The Khan-ference

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) finally bagged the interview that no one else ever had.

The three big Khans. In her treehouse.

Amjad Khan. Kader Khan. Saroj Khan.

Of course not, silly! Gotcha!

So Salman, Shah Rukh and Aamir were seated on a 3-seater couch while SSSK was on her purple beanbag with her notepad and pencil.

SSSK - Before we start... I just want to say... It is such an honour to have all of you here. All of you had movies releasing this year, quite close to one another actually, and it's just so great to have the opportunity to interview you about them.

The three Khans smile politely.

Shah Rukh - Actually, everyone thinks we're competitors and hence enemies. But it's not like that. We're actually very good friends.

Aamir (inches away from Shah Rukh) - Yes yes, we're just friends.

SSSK - Before we start, would you like something? Coke? Pepsi?

The Khans - Sure! Thanks!

SSSK - Errr... Coke or Pepsi?

Aamir (to Salman) - Oh! Errr... Abbe tera wala kaun sa hai? I think I am allowed to drink what you don't endorse. What do you endorse?

Salman - You mean this year or next?

Aamir - Oh...

Shah Rukh - Hmmm... Akshay ka kaun sa hai?

Salman - Thums Up. The mardon wala drink.

Shah Rukh - Hmmm... then I don't know what we're allowed to drink.

SSSK - So what do I get then?

The Khan (consult among one another and then say in chorus) - Nimboo pani, please.

The Khans sit sipping nimboo pani while SSSK starts the interview.

SSSK - Salman, we will start with Yuvvraaj since it was the first to release.

Shah Rukh - Dabba.

Salman (displeased) - I know...

Shah Rukh - Kyun yaar??? What happened??

Salman - I don't know man... they said Katrina ko le lo. Aur kuchh nahin karna padega, aur picture hit ho jayegi.

Aamir (giggles) - Heh heh!

Salman (annoyed) - Why are you giggling?

Aamir - Because Subhash Ghai is a dhakkan. Arre if you take Katrina in a movie, you show her. You don't put a musical instrument the size of King Kong right in front of her.

Salman - Oye! Don't talk nonsense about her. She's not the showpiece anymore. She's the number one Bollywood actress right now.

Aamir - Haan... yeh din aa gaye hain Bollywood ke... Katrina Kaif is the number one actress...

Shah Rukh - Arre wait na... aaj Katrina hai, kal Anushka hogi. Have you seen how successful Deepika is? Sab meri wajah se...

Aamir - Oh puh-leez. You and the schoolgirls you pick every year. Sheesh. I'm telling you, Asin is the next big thing in Bollywood.

Shah Rukh (poking Aamir in the ribs) - Aha! Yeh baat hai... someone's having sinful thoughts about a-sin, eh?

Aamir (offended) - Shah Rukh!

Salman - Achha is it really true? I saw her interviews. Her name is really supposed to be like that? "A" from Sanskrit (meaning "without") and "Sin" from English, meaning "without sin" meaning "pure"?

Aamir (sheepishly) - Yeah... something like that...

Salman (grinning) - Seriously?? Ha ha ha!

Aamir (irritated) - Yeah... what's your problem?

Salman - Naah... nothing... I think I'm gonna name my kid "Agreed".

Shah Rukh (delighted at Salman) - Duuude.... burrrrnnnnn!!!!

Shah Rukh and Salman high-five each other, while Aamir sulks.

SSSK - Err... shall we move on to 'Rab ne bana di jodi'?

Shah Rukh (proudly) - With pleasure.

Salman - Aila! Hit ho gayi yaar...

Shah Rukh (more proudly) - Totally.

Salman - This is not fair yaar... teri har movie hit ho jaati hai... aise hi! What's your secret, bol na?

Shah Rukh (leans forward and whispers) - Me. New girl half my age. Long movie title. Bingo!

Aamir (very annoyed) - Please. The length of the title doesn't matter. Ghajini bhi hit hai. Gha-ji-ni. One word.

Salman - Actually I always found that title a little weird. What does it mean anyway?

Shah Rukh (nonchalantly) - Female elephant.

Aamir - WHAT?!

Shah Rukh (loudly) - FEMALE ELEPHANT.

Aamir - Female eleph... what the..?! No, it's not.

Shah Rukh - Yes, it is. You know how elephants are supposed to have very good memory? Well, Aamir's movie is about a female elephant who suffers from short-term memory loss.

Aamir - WHAT?! That's nonsense. And Ghajini does not mean 'female elephant'.

Shah Rukh - Really? How do you know?

Aamir - I know.

Shah Rukh - How? Kya aap paanchvi pass se tez hain?

Aamir glares at Shah Rukh.

Shah Rukh - Ooh I have an idea. Why don't you phone a "friend"? Let's ask the one with the part-Sanskrit name.

Aamir - Stop it, Shah Rukh! You're treading dangerous ground here.

Shah Rukh - So is she... a-sin-gle gal? Bwahahaha!

Aamir - I'm warning you, Shah Rukh...

Shah Rukh - Actually, if her character's name in the movie had been Asin instead of Kalpanaaa, your character's tattoos would have been a little less painful. What say?

Aamir (snarling a la his character in Ghajini) - Grrrr...

Shah Rukh - Asin. Asin. Asin.

Aamir - Shah Rukh!

Shah Rukh - Oye, chilla mat!

Aamir (rolling up his sleeves and showing his bulging biceps) - Kyun, kya kar lega?

Shah Rukh - Asin ke baare mein Kiran ko bataaun?

Aamir - Gauri ke baare mein Karan ko bataaun?

*stony silence in the room*

SSSK - Erm... This is not going too well...

The Khans - But we are going... Sorry SSSK, looks like this interview won't work.

SSSK - Please please. One last question. Last year, there was a lot of hulla-gulla on who gets to release his movie first. How did you decide the order of releasing your movies this year? Surely it must have been tough?

Salman (smiling) - Ah! Good question. We agreed to release the movies in the order of seniority. The most senior got to release his movie first.

SSSK - Seniority?! Seniority in what??

Salman (grinning) - Toplessness, what else?

SSSK - Huh?

Shah Rukh (winking) - Abs...olutely!