The cast system

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) finds out that the Kapoors are having an audition to select the cast for the sequel to Mr. India. Boney Kapoor had been talking about the sequel for quite some time and finally it looked like things were moving. Meanwhile, Shekhar Kapur was last known to be thunking his head on a pillar.

Anyway, SSSK reaches the audition venue, finds a suitable tree from where she can record the proceedings using her pencil and notepad, and makes herself comfortable on one of the branches.

A large group of relatively good-looking young men are sitting in a hall, some showing off their bodies, while others looking plainly nervous. Suddenly Sanjay Kapoor appears with a clipboard. Standing next to him is a rather pudgy-looking fella in glasses who goes by the name of Arjun (click here to see photo).

Sanjay (looks around at the group) - So Arjun, what do you think?

Arjun (looks around) - Naah... none of them are suitable for the role. Tch! They're all too bony.

Hunky guy nearest to them (gets up and shows his fist) - Abbe! Kaun hai be tu? Muscle dekha hai? Abs dekha hai? Bony kisko bola re? Huh huh? Bony kisko bola? Bony hoga tera baap!!

Arjun (smiles and backs off) - Yes yes, that is actually correct. Mera baap Boney hai. Boney Kapoor.

Murmurs of "Abbe Boney Kapoor ka beta hai..." and "Ab toh apna koi chance nahin..." and "Dhakkan lagta hai lekin baap toh isi ko cast karega" and "Chal nikalte hain" are heard through the hall and soon it is empty.

Sanjay and Arjun go inside where Boney Kapoor, Anil Kapoor and Sridevi are busy discussing the script.

Sridevi - So... how's it looking outside?

Arjun - Erm, there is no one outside.

Sanjay glares at Arjun.

Arjun - What? There IS no one outside!

Anil (to Boney) - Dekha Bhaiya? I told you! These youngsters can't do it. Look at me, I still look so young! Everyone is saying that. I'm telling you -- I can play Arun again.

Sridevi - Uh, I always thought you were playing Arun again. I mean, if I'm playing Seema again... Wait a minute... Isn't that so? (turns towards Boney)

Boney - Erm... *cough cough*

Sridevi (to Sanjay) - Sanju, what's happening? Am I in the movie or not??

Sanjay - Of course you're in the movie, Bhabhi!

Sridevi (still looking at them suspiciously) - And my role is...?

Arjun - Erm, you will be in Mala D...

Sridevi - WHAT?! MALA D??????

Sanjay - Bhabhi, he means Mala of Death. Tu bhi na Arjun...

Sridevi - MALA OF DEATH????

Sanjay - Oh yes, we'll have a picture of you on the wall with a mala. To indicate that you are... you know... (looks up and shakes his head)

Sridevi (gives Boney a furious look) - And that's all I get??

Boney - Gulp. Of course not, dear. You'll get to pick the picture too.

Sridevi - Oh wow. Really? May I ask why I will be confined to the wall?

Sanjay - The sequel is set in the future na Bhabhi, that's why. Wayyy in the future. When both Arun and Seema are... (looks upwards and shakes his head)

Sridevi - You killed us??

Sanjay - Bhabhi, there's nothing wrong with being killed in the sequel. Look at Preity Zinta... even she played Mala D in Krrish, no? If she can do it... And she's so young.... (clams up upon receipt of dagger-eyes from Sridevi).. I mean you're also very young...

Anil (clears his throat and declares proudly) - Speaking of looking young...

Boney (irritated) - Shut up, Anil. Not again.

Anil (meekly) - Ok.

Boney - Ok, so that's decided. Both Anil and Sri will be on the wall.

Anil and Sridevi sulk.

Boney - We will have a fresh young pair in the lead instead.

Anil - Fresh young pair chahiye?? Arre pehle bolna tha na! Sonam ko le lo!! Fresh bhi, young bhi. Ghar ki baat hai, fees par bhi discount!

Boney (holds his head in his hands in frustration) - Bas karo, tum log!!

Arjun - I agree with Papa. Waise bhi, Sonam is too thin. Matching achhi nahin lagegi.

Anil - Matching? Abbe kaahe ki matching??

Arjun - I mean, mere saath... she's too bony... everyone these days is so bony...

Anil - Tere saath?? Tu hero hai?

Arjun - I would think so... no, dad?

Boney - Sigh... ek aur aa gaya queue mein... Dekho Arjun, self-made man bano, don't rely on fathers and Godfathers. Apne dum par hero bankar dikhao!

Sanjay (suddenly alert) - Bhaiya, aapne mere baare mein nahin socha?? Ab meri toh self-made man banne ki umar bhi nahin rahi. If Anil is dead in the movie, I mean... I should be next in line, no?

Boney - Chup! Sab ke sab chup! Yeh khandani picture hai iska matlab yeh nahin ki bhai-behen and chacha-bhatiji will act opposite each other!

Anil - But the other Kapoors did it all the time... Shashi Kapoor and Randhir Kapoor acted opposite Neetu Singh...

Boney - Chhee chhee! We are the shareef kind of Kapoors. We won't do that.

Anil - Okay, can I be Mogambo?

Boney - Mogambo?! Tu pagal ho gaya hai? Tujhe bacha kucha career barbaad karna hai? Jab hero apni movie ke remake ya sequel mein villain banta hai, toh pata hai kya hota hai? Aag lag jaati hai aag!

Sanjay - You mean RGV ki aag??

Boney - Heh heh. Correct.

Sanjay - Bhaiya, phir main Calendar ban jaaun?? Woh role toh mujhe de do?

Boney - Offo! I don't want to cast my family members in my movie. Besides, I want Arshad Warsi for the role of Calendar.

Sanjay - Arshad maan jayega? Thoda chhota role nahin hai uske liye? He was Circuit after all. Circuit se Calendar? Thoda analog ho gaya, nahin?

Boney - Theek hai, character ka naam badal denge. Digital Calendar?

Everyone looks at one another and rolls their eyes.

Boney - Achha woh doosre room mein dekho heroine ke audition ke liye kaun kaun aayi hai? I really need a big star.

Sanjay goes into the next room where he finds Sushmita Sen, Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan, Dia Mirza, Tanushree Dutta and Celina Jaitley.

Sanjay - Wow... This is so great. So many of you! So what made you decide to come for the audition?

Tanushree and Celina (under their breath) - Kya karein... Aur kahin kaam nahin mil raha hai...

Aishwarya - Duh! We've all held the Miss India title. Mr. India ke opposite Miss India. Duh!

All the other ladies echo the "Duh!"

Suddenly Neha Dhupia rushes in.

Neha - OMG. Am I late?? Mujhe abhi abhi sms aaya ki saari Miss Indias are here.

Sanjay - Arre Neha, tum? Sorry yaar lekin this movie is not suitable for you. Us type ka role nahin hai....

Neha (startled) - What do you mean us type ka? Kis type ka?

Sanjay - You know... jis type ka tum karti ho... tumhaari har movie mein... yeh thoda... erm, family movie type hai.

Neha gets offended and storms off. The other ladies giggle bitchily.

Arjun walks in.

Arjun - Chachu, what is happening?

Sanjay (happily grins at Arjun) - Look, Arjun! So many of them!

Arjun (looks around) - Tch! They're too thin yaar... these days everyone is too thin yaar...

Sanjay - Lekin thin heroine is hit heroine. And we have so many to choose from! Let me go inside and tell Bhaiya, he will be so thrilled.

Arjun - Ek minute, Chachu.

Sanjay - Kya hua?

Arjun (to the Miss Indias) - Ladies, I am really sorry but the hero is 5'2" and all of you are too tall for him. Sorry.

Sushmita - Ugh. Not again. I will never find a guy who is taller than me. Ever! Bachpan mein itna skipping nahin karna chahiye tha...

Aishwarya - Skipping? You too, Sush? Main bhi karti hoon. I toh skip every other meal!

All the ladies shake their heads and leave the hall, murmuring "Arre crown ka toh kuchh faayda hi nahin hua yaar..."

Sanjay (looks at Arjun in surprise) - Huh? Arjun, what did you mean when you said 'The hero is 5'2"'? Who is 5'2"?

Arjun (displays an evil grin) - Me. Papa ne bola tha na... Aise bante hain self-made men in Bollywood.