Back with Da-bang(g)

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) was invited to the Dabangg success party at Shatrughan Sinha's house. She almost fell off her portable treehouse when she saw the invitation addressed to her. But then she saw the tagline at the back of the card - 'Arbaaz Khan Productions. Publicity ke liye sala kuchh bhi karega.' - and it all made sense.

Even though SSSK reached the place exactly on time, it was already crowded. She somehow managed to push her way through and find the main cast.

Malaika (pokes Arbaaz in the ribs) - Oh shit. She's here.

Arbaaz (howls in pain) - Ouch! I told you not to do that, Malaika! You're all bones. It hurts!

Malaika (gives Arbaaz a dirty look) - She's here!

Arbaaz - Who??

Malaika - SSSK...

Salman - Who is SSSK?

Malaika - That third-class reporter who climbs trees... writes trash... cracks bad jokes and laughs at them herself... We need all the publicity we can get, so I sent her an invitation too. Beware of her, she's 100% cuckoo and tends to ask very uncomfortable questions...

SSSK walks towards the Khans.

SSSK - Hello, Khan-daan! (giggles uncontrollably at her own joke)

Malaika gives her a dirty look. Everyone else politely nods at SSSK.

SSSK takes out her notepad and a pencil and gets started.

SSSK - So Salman, congratulations on the hit. What a comeback after Veer!

Salman - Thank you, thank you.

SSSK - So what made you cast Sonu Sood as the bad guy? His body looked so much better than yours!

Salman - Ughhh... not this question again.

SSSK - Well?

Salman (in a depressed tone) - Well, I had already cast him long ago. I was labelled fat in Veer so I thought I'd train and get my abs back to show off in Dabangg. Looks like Sonu had trained harder.

SSSK - Then why didn't you simply replace him? Say with... Daler Mehendi?

Salman - Sigh... you know me. Ek baar jo maine commitment kar diya... toh main khud ki bhi nahin sunta. (grins proudly)

SSSK - That's a line from Wanted.

Salman - Erm. Don't you have questions for Arbaaz and Malaika?

SSSK - Sure, let's go with Arbaaz first.

Arbaaz (under his breath) - Oh crap.

SSSK - So Arbaaz, why are you in all of Salman's movies???

Arbaaz - Uhh... errr...

SSSK - Thank you. Malaika, why are you always doing item numbers? Do bache ho gaye, kuchh toh sharm karo.

Malaika - Duh! I'm hot, that's why. (walks off)

Salman - Erm. Come, I'll introduce you to Sonakshi.

SSSK is introduced to Sonakshi.

SSSK - So Sonakshi, how was it working with a superstar like Salman? Scary?

Sonakshi - Salman se darr nahin lagta, SSSK. Flop ho jaane se lagta hai.

SSSK - Arre wah, tum toh abhi bhi Dabangg mode mein ho.

Shatrughan Sinha walks towards them.

SSSK - Shatruji, badhaai ho. Beti ki picture hit ho gayi.

Shatrughan (raises both hands and looks up) - Sab ooparwale ki meherbani hai.

SSSK - Achha? Salman second floor par rehta hai????

Shatrughan - KHAAMOSH!

SSSK - Sorry sorry, just couldn't resist that. Waise, Sonakshi looked good in the movie. Hemaji ki yaad aa gayi.

Shatrughan (beaming) - Really? Hemaji??

SSSK - Yeah! It's been a long time since we saw a fat heroine in our movies, no? Very refreshing.

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. Next question. So now that Sonakshi's career is set, what is next?

Shatrughan - Well, next we're going to work on Luv's debut.

SSSK - Erm, didn't Luv already debut in the superflop Sadiyaan?

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. So Salman is helping with Luv's debut too?

Shatrughan - Oh yes, Salman is like family now. We're all working like a family to promote Luv.

SSSK - Even Kush?

Shatrughan - Of course!

SSSK - Of course. Luv ke liye sala Kush bhi karega...

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. Waise I think Luv and Kush should both join politics and become MPs like you.

Shatrughan - Really? What makes you think that?

SSSK - Naah, then you three can call yourselves MP3. Heh heh heh!

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. I must go find Sonu Sood.

SSSK walks towards Sonu Sood. Suddenly a girl screams, "Sonuuuu! Sonu is here???!!!!" Many hot girls scream and run towards where Sonu and SSSK are standing. Sonu Sood grins to himself, adjusts his hair and puts on sunglasses.

The girls come to a screeching halt.

One of the girls - Uhh... this is not Sonu Nigam. Who said Sonu is here??

Uncomfortable silence surrounds them. All the girls retreat. Sonu takes off his sunglasses, puts them back in his pocket and leaves the party in gloom.

SSSK finds Arbaaz again who is really drunk and is humming "Zandu balm Zandu balm peeda-haari balm".

SSSK - So Arbaaz, what is with the Zandu balm lawsuit?

Arbaaz - I don't know what's wrong with those people. They make a painkiller but they themselves are a pain! They paid us to put their name in the song and now they're suing us. Bloody leeches, trying to maximise publicity. And they succeeded too. In fact, they owe us big time. Their sales sky-rocketed right after the movie!

SSSK - Really?

Arbaaz - Oh yes, people rushed out in flocks to buy Zandu balm right after the movie! Some couldn't even wait till the end of the movie, they ran out during the interval itself! How cool is that??

SSSK - ...