It happens only in India

Snippets from my recent Delhi-Agra-Jaipur trip:

Road sign that cracked us up - "For accidental help, dial 1033."






















Bhumigat paidal paar path = subway. Awesome.


















My friend from Hong Kong (pointing to a top) - How much is this?
Shopkeeper - 550 rupees, madam.
Friend - 550 rupees??? That's too much!
Shopkeeper (with a heavy accent, especially on the word 'crepe') - But, Madam, this is crepe material!
Friend - This is crap material?! What the?!!


Dubbed movie playing in local theatre - 'Italian haseena ka pyaar'


Sign on the back of an auto-rickshaw - "Buri nazar wale, tu videsh chala ja." LOL!


Entrance fee to the Taj - 20 rupees for Indians, 750 rupees for foreigners! What the...?!


Guard at Sikandra wants to charge Viv and me 'foreigner fees' because we are with 'foreigners'. What the...?!


Name of a restaurant that suddenly appeared in the middle of the fields during our drive from Delhi to Jaipur - Achanak restaurant.


Name of a sweets shop in Jaipur - Chakh le, India!


Name of a towel shop in Jaipur - Towel hi towel


Had a chance to watch some new hindi movie trailers on TV. That guy Kamal Khan in Deshdrohi... is he for real?? Step aside, Himeshbhai, you've got competition!


All in a day's work - Psychotic driver of ours who spoke on his mobile while driving, barked some very bad words to a cyclist, almost hit four people, took out the bumper of a parked car while backing, and then calmly drove away.


Front page news in the Times of India - A Dutch couple was asked to pay 10,000 rupees for 4 samosas by the shopkeeper who claimed that they contained special herbs and had aphrodisiac qualities. The couple paid up but went to the police. The shopkeeper refunded 9,990 rupees. Sheesh.


Oh no! Singlish has reached India!

















Taking a picture in the middle of the road standing next to my friend, the decked-up groom on the decked-up horse - priceless.


Playing dumb charades huddled around the radiators in the lawn waiting for the wedding to begin - hilarious and heart-warming at the same time.


Watching an overnight wedding, while OD'ing on masala chai - an out-of-the-world experience.


Our Rajasthani driver Bholaram calls my mobile several times while we're at the wedding sangeet as he's in a hurry to drop us back to our hotel. We, of course, are having too much fun to want to go back. At his third call, as I look at the ringing phone in despair, my friend from Hong Kong takes the phone from my hand, and answers it, "Bholaram! Wassap?" I don't think I had laughed that hard in ages.


Finally I fulfilled my wish.

















Wah Taj wah! It truly lived up to all the hype. I never saw it as a memento of love, but it sure is one heck of a beautiful structure.

Home run

Singapore ke thakele mausam
Se apun fultu pakela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Bhaad mein jaaye air-conditioner
Kya jhanjhat hai, jhamela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Jahan sardiyon ka mausam
Raapchik hai, albela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Bachpan ki Bhaigairi ki
Yaadon ka jahan mela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Jahan ki sadkon par apun
Kitne barson khela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Jahan sab yede bindaas hain
Aur sabka bheja satkela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Jahan sabke paas time hai
Kyunki har koi vella hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Jahan har gali mein pani puri
Ka laga ek thela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai!

Tunn in, bewdas!

The following two posts are rather close to my heart.

Dell-wale CPU le jayenge

What was that again?

Now they are special not because of what I wrote, but because of the total party zone that the comments space of these posts became. The bewdas' amazingly hilarious experiences described in the comments space can lift my spirits any day and make me fall off my chair laughing. So when something similar happened a couple of days ago, I couldn't resist converting it into a blog post.

Shub started it. She sang a customised bewda song. In a totally harmless email thread (okay fine, the email was about splitting the cost of the last vodka bottle that the guys had bought to make cocktails for the last F1 race. Yeah, that's the only way I will watch those things.).

Shub - "Tunn ho to...gaata hai dil...jo tunn nahi...to geet kahaaan?"

Of course, I can't resist such things, can I?

Me - Shub, tunn bin jaaun kahan? :D

And then Pizzadude jumps in.

Pizzadude - Tunn bin jiya jaaye kaise, kaise jiyaa jaye tunn bin?

Me - Humko sirf tunn se pyaar hai! :D

And then Viv decides to 'contribute'. Ahem.

Viv - Tunn tunna tunn tunn tunn tara... chalti hai kya nau se gyaara (gyaara to reduce work time by 1 hour so that we can squeeze in an extra drinking session!). I get a special award for maximum tunn count in 1 line :) I think I'm sounding tunn now... although most of this is out of tunne...

And then he calls me.

At work.

Viv - Did you see my email? Did you see my email??

Okay, when the guy you live in the same house with sends you an email and calls you (at work!) to ask if you have read it, it can cause quite a panicky situation.

Me - You emailed me?? Why?? What happened??

Viv (I can hear his grin over the line) - I wrote the best tunn line. Read it read it!

Sheesh.

So I open my email and read it.

Viv - So?

Me - So what?

Viv - What do you think?

Me (deadpan) - It's the worst.

Viv (distraught) - Nooooo...........

Me - Well, if you want to see real good stuff, let me open a special counter at the bar. When the bewdas mix their own drinks, you will see some real masterpieces.

All right, let's show him, bewdas! :D

Blind spot

So I'm singing 'Maine pichhle saath dinon mein' as I'm making dinner. Viv is hanging around the kitchen, generally not doing anything useful, but whatever's on the cutting board is disappearing at an alarming rate.

"Do andhe match ke passes! Mere naye naye sunglasses!" I sing/yell.

"Hahaha!" He starts laughing.

"What?!" I glare at him.

"Do andhe match ke passes?"

"Isn't that what he sings?"

"Hahahaha! No!"

"Are you sure??"

"Yeah-a! What is andhe matches?"

"Err... I don't know... You know the lyrics these days..."

"But andhe match ke passes?"

"Well, maybe andhe match ke passes means... like... you know... blind passes?" I make a feeble attempt.

"And what on earth are 'blind passes'?"

"Blind passes... as in passes when you don't know what your seat number is? You know? Like a blind date?" I try to sound confident.

Viv gives me the 'you're-bullshitting-and-you-know-it' look.

"Okay fine, I don't know what andhe matches and andhe passes are. But this movie has weird lyrics! They have a song about hissing snakes! Zehreele zehreele! Kaale neele peele!" I am still in denial.

"Okay fine, let's listen to it."

I play the song on the computer.

Farhan shrieks, "Do andhe match ke passes!"

"See?? I mean, hear??" I do a victory dance.

Viv plays it again.

Farhan shrieks again, "Do andhe match ke passes!"

"Hahahaha!" Viv is laughing non-stop.

"What?!"

"It's one-day match ke passes!"

"No it's not!"

"Okay, what do you think makes more sense, huh? Andhe match or one-day match?" He smiles his annoying wise smile.

I don't have words. I just stare at him blankly.

The most shocking part of this conversation was the complete role reversal. Usually he kills the lyrics and I resurrect them. This whole conversation was all wrong - it was as if he was saying my dialogues and I was saying his.

Mere yeh din aa gaye hain?

Now Viv has started correcting lyrics I sing????

I must be losing it.

I need a holiday dammit. :/

iShuffle-d

So Pizzadude has tagged me with a very fun music tag.

Here are the rules:
1. Put your music player on Shuffle mode.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. Write the song name no matter what it is.
4. After you've answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and let them know they've been tagged.

Before embarking on this, I loaded a lot of songs into my ipod to get as big a database as possible for the answers. Oldies, newbies, ghazals, tapori songs, everything. After I did the tag, I realised that almost every song can fit every situation, and so seem very apt for any of the questions. The romantic numbers especially are especially versatile, though they don't keep the gender in check - see number 8 below. Sheesh! :/

And this is what I have:

1. If someone says "Is this okay?", you say:
Dhoop mein niklo, ghataaon mein nahakar dekho
Zindagi kya hai, kitaabon ko hataakar dekho

2. What would best describe your personality?
Aaj main boond hoon, boond hoon barish ki
Aaj main hoon leher, leher hoon khwahish ki

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
Yeh tumhaari meri baatein
Hamesha yun hi chalti rahein

4. How do you feel today?
Aisa jaadu daala re
Surmayi hai ujaala re

5. What is your life's purpose?
Where's the party tonight?
(Hahahahahahahaha!)

6. What do your friends think of you?
Tu hi tu, tu hi tu satrangi re
Tu hi tu, tu hi tu manrangi re

7. What do you think of your parents?
Tu hi meri shab hain, subah hai, tu hi dil hai mera
Tu hi mera rab hai, jahan hain, tu hi meri duniya

8. What do you think about very often?
Mera dil le gayi oye kammo kidhar
Main dhoondhun usko idhar udhar
(Sheesh!)

9. What is 2+2?
Katra katra milti hai, katra katra jeene do
Zindagi hai, behne do, pyaasi hoon main pyaasi rehne do
(Well, this kind of answers the question if you count the number of times the word 'Katra' is used. But an awesome answer to this would have been 'Garaj baras pyaasi dharti par phir paani de maula' because it actually has a line that I simply love - 'Do aur do ka jod hamesha char kahan hota hai. Soch-samajh walon ko thodi nadani de, maula.')

9. What do you think of your best friend?
Kabhi dil ke kareeb tumhe mere naseeb
Yun layenge socha na tha
(Hehe... true about Viv)

10. What do you think of the person you like?
Kiska hai yeh tumko intzaar main hoon na
Dekh lo idhar toh ek baar main hoon na

11. What is your life story?
Tinka tinka zara zara hai roshni se jaise bhara
Har dil mein armaan hote toh hain, bas koi samjhe zara

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Azeem-o-shaan shehenshah farma rawa
(Yeahahahaha!)

13. What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Yeh jo thode se hain paise, kharch tumpar karoon kaise
(I like this one! Economical!)

14. What do your parents think of you?
Na hai yeh paana, na khona hi hai
Tera na hona jaane kyun hona hi hai
(Wah wah, I really hope this is how they miss me back at home.)

15. What will you dance to at your wedding?
Chak de India!

16. What will they play at your funeral?
Mora saiyaan mose bole na
Main laakh jatan kar haari
(OMG! So apt! Hahahahahaha!)

17. What is your hobby/interest?
Phir haath mein sharaab hai sach bolta hoon main
Yeh cheez laajawab hai, sach bolta hoon main
(Sheesh!)

18. What is your biggest secret?
Muhabbat meri jo pyasi hui toh gehri meri udaasi hui
Zindagiiii mein hai tum bin yeh veeraniyannnnn
(Oh no and now the biggest secret is out... that I have Himeshbhai's songs on my ipod!)

19. What do you think of your friends?
Do pal ruka khwaabon ka caravan
Aur phir chal diye tum kahan hum kahan
Do pal ki thi yeh dilon ki daastaan
Aur phir chal diye tum kahan hum kahan
(Ah... true in some ways...)

20. What should you post this as?
Tanha dil tanha safar
Dhoondhe kise phir kyun nazar
Tanha dil

21. What do you think about this tag?
Mujhse naaraaz ho toh ho jao
Khudse lekin khafa khafa na raho

As usual, I tag all the people who have a blog, but have not blogged in the last one month.

A song and a dance

The results of the poll are out!

The third place goes to AB junior for his rap act in Bluffmaster - Ek main aur ek tu hai.

Though AB senior happens to have quite a few songs that are popular with the bar's bewdas and bewdis, the poll was to identify one song, and so he was a close second with Rang barse.

And, Aamir, just like the meaning of his name, leads the poll with his tapori rendition of 'Aati kya khandala'.

Yup, my vote went to Aamir too (one of the bewdas who couldn't comment from his office even sent me an sms to vote for Aamir, hehe!). The only problem I find is that Aamir's dance moves and expressions are so priceless in the video that you almost forget to appreciate his singing! Watch it!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAhtjIriQps

I wonder if any digitisation was done though. I heard Kareena singing Dev's 'Jab nahin aaye they tum, tab bhi mere paas they tum' live at a show for army officers, and after that, I could only say 'Jab nahin gaaye they tum, tab hi theek they tum'.

In another awards ceremony I watched a few years ago, Aamir decided to do a live rendition of the Khandala song. I'm not too sure what he was thinking, but he dragged Rani Mukherjee up on stage as well. After listening to that, boy, am I glad they got Alka Yagnik for the original. But Aamir really rocked the song.

Oh by the way, Will Smith wasn't too bad either!

Singing praises

So this month's poll is on Bollywood actors who have sung their songs themselves. Okay, at least one song. I wanted to provide a few examples, but didn't want to influence the results. Besides, any Bollywood bewda/bewdi worth his/her salt should know his/her facts. :P

Who do you think did the best job and which song was it?

PS: And oh, this is only for actors who have more movies they have acted in than songs they have sung, so this eliminates people like Kishore Kumar and Sonu Nigam and Farhan Akhtar. And oh, Himesh Reshammiya!

PPS: I just had an alarming realisation that not a lot of actresses are asked to sing their own songs. I wonder why... hmmmm... Anyway, forget the girls for now, let's stick to guys for this poll.

PPPS: Comment-moderation is enabled so it will always show '0 bewdas got fultu talli' till the post is closed for voting. This is for the benefit of the Gold-yelling bewdas! :P