The heroine hunt

Flashback

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten found out that director Abhishek Kapoor was planning to make a trip to his cousin Ekta Kapoor's place for advice on his new movie Rock On. Needless to say, in no time, SSSK was perched on a branch of a tree outside Ekta's house, furiously taking note of the proceedings.

Abhishek - Hi, Ekta Didi!

Ekta - Arre Abhishek! How are you? Batao, kaise aana hua?

Abhishek - Actually I need some help from you. I'm looking for a heroine for my new movie Rock On. Thought I could get some advice from you.

Ekta - Achha, you want a heroine? No problem! I have a whole database of out-of-work TV actresses whom I killed off in my serials.

Abhishek - That's awesome! Can I see the database?

Ekta - Sure! You can even select a few and use all of them. The story, of course, can be tweaked to justify why the heroines keep changing. I can help with that. Heck, even my spot boys know how to do that!

Abhishek - Errr... thanks, Didi. But I think one would be enough.

Ekta - Your wish. Let's use this whiteboard to organise our ideas. But let me get you some tea first. Ramu Kaka!! Do chai lana.

Abhishek - Wow. Your servant is actually called 'Ramu Kaka'?

Ekta - Of course not. Don't be ridiculous, Abhishek. Which servant is called Ramu Kaka these days?? It's just a generic name for servants.

Abhishek - Hmmm... so what's his real name?

Ekta - I have no idea.

Abhishek - Errr... okay...

Ekta starts writing on the whiteboard. 'Ramu Kaka' brings the tea. Abhishek takes the script out and starts looking through it.

Ekta - How many, Abhishek?

Abhishek - Oh, two.

Ekta - Two?? Bas?? Are you sure?

Abhishek - Yes, yes. I'm watching my waistline.

Ekta - Huh? Waistline kahan se aa gaya? I'm asking you about this.

Abhishek looks up, and Ekta has written "ROCKK ON" on the whiteboard.

Abhishek - Didi, there's a typo...

Ekta - Typo??? Where??!!

Abhishek - I think 'ROCK' has only one 'K'.

Ekta - Don't be silly. Anyway, I just asked you and you said two.

Abhishek - I thought you were asking how many teaspoons of sugar for my tea.

Ekta - Oh okay. Anyway, are you sure you want only one K?

Abhishek - Err... I'm pretty sure, Didi.

Ekta - Your wish. But I'm telling you, adding extra Ks really help. Take my newest movie for instance - C Kkompany. Watch my words. I predict it will be a huge hit, you know.

Abhishek - Errr... I'm sure it will, Didi. But if you don't mind, I'll stick to one K.

Ekta - Fine, your wish. But don't come to me later to tell me I didn't warn you.

Ekta rubs out the extra K. She brings 87 fridge magnets, each with the face of a TV actress and sticks them all over the whiteboard.

Abhishek - Wow. That is one impressive collection you have.

Ekta (grins) - Thank you. Okay, let's pick 'em now. Bataao, hero kaun hai?

Abhishek - It's Farhan Akhtar.

Ekta - Farhan who??

Abhishek - Farhan Akhtar, Didi! The director??

Ekta - Ohmygawdddd the Dil Chahta Hai guy? The Lakshya guy?? He's acting now??

Abhishek - YES!

Ekta - He's the hero???

Abhishek - Yup! Cool, eh?

Ekta - Ohmygawdddd! Hmmm...

Abhishek - What are you thinking?

Ekta - I was wondering... it's actually a crazy idea... but it may work... since your hero is a direcor, maybe your heroine should be a director too, yeah? How cool would that be??

Abhishek (looks sceptical) - Really? You think so? That'll work?

Ekta (has a dreamy look in her eyes) - Of course! It would be so great! I can already imagine the movie posters - Introducing Farhan aur EK...

Abhishek - EK?!

Ekta (sheepishly) - Errr... I mean... Introducing Farhan aur EK nayi heroine...

Abhishek - Hmmm... but I don't know any female directors...

Ekta - Ahem *cough* ahem *cough* ahem *cough*

Abhishek - Didi, are you okay??

Ekta - I'm fine I'm fine.

Abhishek - So I was saying - I don't have any female directors in mind who can play the part. I can only think of Farah Khan, but she won't agree because Farhan turned down her offer of playing Lucky in Main Hoon Na. Deepa Mehta and Meera Nair are way out of my league. I don't know anyone else.

Ekta - Ahem *cough* ahem *cough* ahem *cough*

Abhishek - Besides, Farah wouldn't look good with Farhan. He's so slim and fit, the heroine needs to be very svelte.

Ekta - Hmmmph!

Abhishek - Sorry? You said something, Didi? I didn't hear you.

Ekta - Err... I said, "Hmmm..." I'm thinking. Thinking...

Abhishek walks over to the whiteboard and looks at the magnets one by one.

Abhishek - Hmmm... naah, none of them fits the role. What do I do now? Where do I look?

Ekta - Ahem *cough* ahem *cough* ahem *cough*

Abhishek - I think you are falling sick, Didi. Your throat sounds really bad. Maybe you should get some rest, I'll see what I can do about my heroine-hunt.

Ekta - Ahem *cough* ahem *cough* ahem *cough*

Abhishek - Okay Didi, bye! Take care! I'll keep you posted if I can think of someone suitable.

Ekta - AHEM *COUGH* AHEM *KKOUGH* AHEM *KKKOUGH*!!!!!!!!!!

Abhishek leaves.

Ekta starts singing in a depressed voice.

Ekta - Dil kkke armaan aansuon mein beh gaye...