The kingly affair

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten reads about the protests against the release of Jodhaa Akbar. She decides to investigate further and goes over straight to director Ashutosh Gowarikar's house. A large number of protesters are standing outside his house. The two in front are burning cut-outs of Gowarikar and Hrithik Roshan, while the rest are shouting slogans asking for the movie to be canned or banned.

Fortunately for her, there is a tree just outside the house. She makes herself comfortable on one of the low-hanging branches right next to the window of his living room, takes out her notebook and starts jotting down the proceedings.

Gowarikar steps out his house and is immediately pelted with eggs. Strangely, the eggs are not rotten, but are hard-boiled. One of the protesters - a teenager - starts collecting the thrown eggs and putting them in a basket.

Gowarikar - Please stop. Rukiye, please!

Protesters - Jodhaa Akbar band karo! Jodhaa Akbar band karo!

Gowarikar - Please listen...

Protesters - We will go to court. We will go to high court! We will go to supreme court! We will get this movie canned!

Gowarikar - Dekhiye... please suniye... Can we talk it out in peace?

Lead protester - Bhai log, ruko! He's ready to talk.

The protesters stamp on the burning cut-outs to extinguish the flames, while Gowarikar winces at the sight. Everyone goes inside. There aren't enough chairs in his living room, so the crowd sits down on the carpet, while the three leaders (rather creatively christened 'Protester 1', 'Protester 2' and 'Protester 3'), sit on the couch with Gowarikar.

There is an awkward silence for a while. Gowarikar decides to try small talk.

Gowarikar (to Protester 1 who is still holding the half-burnt cut-outs) - Toh bhaisaab, what do you do?

Protester 1 (glares) - What do you mean what do I do?

Gowarikar - I mean what do you do for a living?

Protester 1 (beams) - Oh! I make cardboard cut-outs of Bollywood stars in my basement. Some even call it the desi Madam Tussaud's.

Gowarikar - Oh... and what about you?

Portester 2 - I work in a matchbox factory.

Teeanger (clutching on to his basket with eggs) - I work at the bus stop. I sell boiled eggs for breakfast to office-goers.

Gowarikar - And you?

Protester 3 (yells out proudly) - I am a protestant!

Gowarikar - I beg your pardon? You're a what?

Protester 3 - I am a fulltime protestant!

Protester 1 (smacks Protester 3 on the head) - Protester, you moron! Protester!

Protester 3 - Yes yes... protester. That's what I meant.

Gowarikar - But what do you mean - you're a fulltime protester?

Protester 3 - Well, I protest.

Gowarikar - For a living??

Protester 3 - Yup.

Gowarikar - Uhhh... And what do you protest against?

Protester 3 - Bollywood mostly. I protest against movies that are harmful for the impressionable junta of our nation.

Gowarikar (jumps in fury) So where the heck were you when they made Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag???? Huh huh huh???

Protester 3 - Uhhh...

Protester 1 - Gowarikar saab, us aag ko maaro goli, is aag ki baat karo! (points to half-burnt cut-out)

Gowarikar - Well, I just can't believe that of all movies, there would be protests against Jodhaa Akbar! Surely there is something deeper to it. I think it's a conspiracy. But I can't imagine who is conspiring against me and what reason he or she has to stop the movie.

Protester 2 - There is no conspiracy. There is no one person conspiring against you. It's the verdict of the junta to ban the movie.

Gowarikar - But why?? Tell me, what is the problem?

Protester 1 - The problem?? The problem is your movie!

Gowarikar - What did my movie do to you?

Protester 2 - Your movie distorts history.

Gowarikar - How??

Protester 1 - Jodhabai was not Akbar's wife. She was Salim's wife. So she was Akbar's daughter-in-law. (more here)

Gowarikar - Hainn?? And what about Anarkali?

Protester 2 - Well, there was no Anarkali.

Gowarikar - That's not what they showed in the movie Mughal-e-azam! And I think they showed Jodhabai as Akbar's wife in that movie too!

Protester 1 - Yeah, that movie distorted history too.

Gowarikar - Then why were no protests against it?

Teenager (takes an egg out and starts peeling it) - I wasn't born then na.... ha ha ha!

Gowarikar (glares at the teenager and then at the eggshell pieces on his carpet) - But you were born when Asoka released. Did you watch Asoka??

Teenager - Of course! I watch all Shah Rukh movies!

Gowarikar - Do you know that in history there was no scantily-clad princess Kaurwaki he was frolicking in the water with??

Teenager - Of course!

Gowarikar - Then why didn't you protest against Asoka??

Teenager (grin) - Well, Kareena looked hot...

Gowarikar - And Aishwarya doesn't?

Teenager - Nope. I've seen the promos. She's all covered up. Even the necklace she's wearing starts at her neck and ends at her waist. She could just wear only that jewellery and still look all covered up!

Protester 1 (smacks teenager on the head, the egg pops out of his hand and goes rolling under the couch) - Chup be! Bakwaas band kar! Gowarikar saab, aap matlab ki baat karo.

Gowarikar - You tell me na what the real problem is... I don't think it's just the distortion of history you're worried about. Is it a Hindu-Muslim thing?

Protester (looks horrified) - NO!

Gowarikar - Then??

Protester 2 - Well....

Protester 3 - Bol de bol de...

Protester 2 - Actually, you can continue with the movie as long as...

Gowarikar - As long as what???

Protester 3 - As long as that Roshan boy doesn't kiss Aishwarya in this movie like he did in Dhoom 2.

Gowarikar - Huh?? That's it?

Protester - Ermm... Yes. That's it. Do you know the Roshan boy wasn't invited to her wedding because of the kiss?

Gowarikar - Well, he didn't kiss himself. She was there too. Didn't she read the script before signing the movie?

Teenager - Haha! I used to be a spot boy. There is no script in hindi movies. The script is printed after the movie releases. Sometimes.

Protester 1 - Mark my words - that Roshan boy is trouble. I don't even know why you cast him as Akbar. He doesn't look like Akbar from any angle! From what I saw in my history books, Akbar was short and fat.

Gowarikar - So who do you think would have made a better Akbar?

Teenager - Someone like Emraan Hashmi maybe?

Gowarikar (sarcastically) - And according to you, Emraan Hashmi would have agreed to do a movie without a kissing scence?

Protester - Oh my! Never thought of that.

Gowarikar - Anyway, you'll be happy to know that they don't kiss in this movie!

Protester 1 - They don't??

Gowarikar - Nope.

Teenager - Damn! Why not??

Protester 2 - Because, you dhakkan, in the mughal era, they didn't kiss. Did you see any kisses in Mughal-e-Azam?

Teenager - No...

Protester 2 - There you go!

Teenager - But that could be because I didn't see Mughal-e-Azam...

Protester 1 smacks the boy on the head again.

Protestor 3 - So that Roshan boy doesn't kiss her?

Gowarikar - Nope.

Protester 2 - Okay then... we will take your leave now.

Gowarikar - Really? That's it? So I can release my movie? It was all about a kiss?

Protester 3 - Yes yes, we were very concerned about its effect on our moral values.

Gowarikar - So are you happy now?

Protester 2 - Wait... Do you promise not to introduce any last-minute kiss?

Gowarikar - I promise.

Protester 2 - Hmmm... Lagaan aur Swades ki kasam khao?

Gowarikar - Lagaan aur Swades ki kasam. I promise there will be no kiss. Are you happy now?

Protester 1 - Of course! Go ahead and release the movie. We will all watch it. What say, bhai log?

The crowd murmurs in agreement.

Everyone leaves. Gowarikar shuts the door with a puzzled expression on his face.

Protester 1 (to protestor 2) - Chal Bachchan saab ko phone laga aur bol kaam ho gaya.

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