A helping hand

Every time I watch India playing a cricket match and struggling against good fielders, I wish I could extend my hand and put it through the TV screen, all the way till the fielder, lift him up using my thumb and forefinger so that he dangles from my little nail hundreds of feet above the ball that is now going for a beautiful FOUR. I then gently put him down and retract my match-winning device or helpful hand, through the TV screen back to my living room, in preparation for the next one. Now that is what I call getting really involved in a match. A couple of days ago, I discovered that matches are not the only things I get involved in.

Recently, I got myself all three hindi channels - Sony, Zee and Star Plus. The main reason was that my Chinese friend Starbreez whom I'd inducted into the ‘Bollywood zindabad baaki sab murdabad’ club, had started supplying me with the latest Bollywood trivia and I was freaking out. I had to get back in the groove, I had to expose myself to the latest songs and trailers and then tell her things she did not know but I did. Hah!

So I told myself that I'd treat myself to the hindi movie channels after wrapping up my latest book (for the uninitiated, I corrupt young minds by writing books for them) as the work on the book barely gave me any TV time. Last week, the publisher called to tell me the book had hit the stores (pray for me, will you, that it doesn't end up in the 'half off' bin?) and I promptly subscribed to the hindi channels. Besides, Mom's dropping by Singapore on her way back to India from the US and since I can't get leave for the entire two weeks, hindi channels would serve as the best entertainment for her. (Of course, no amount of hindi channels can be as entertaining as baby Aish singing "Haina bolo bolo" in that baby voice of hers, but sorry Mom, I've gotta work with the resources I actually have.)

Anyway, so I have been watching quite a bit of the three channels I got in order to decide on which of the three I'm going to keep after Mom goes back. Keeping all three would be a waste – I don’t watch so much TV. My only criterion is that I will keep the one with the least number of saas bahu serials. Maximum Bollywood. Minimum bawling. So I've been noting down all details of saas-bahu serials that crop up during my channel surfing. And that's where I came across the trailers of this new (?) serial called "Baabul ka aangan chhoote na". Oh, the audacity to call it that! Wait till you hear the plot.

This bahu-looking err... bahu is asking the audience, "Pati ke liye karwa chauth ka vrat ya apne beemar pita ko aspatal pahunchana? Aap meri jagah hote toh kya karte?"

After thunking my head on the wall several times, I decide it’s time to lend a helping hand.

The bahu is rambling on about other events that are putting her in a spot when suddenly, the shoot is interrupted by the hand of Sayesha, which has somehow entered the grand haveli where the bahu is whining. The ghar ka wafaadaar naukar yells out in excitement, "Phata poster, nikli Sayesha!" Sayesha’s hand picks up the newspaper from the coffee table, rolls it and thwacks the bahu's head repeatedly. A voice booms in the living room, "DUH! Your dad is so ill he has to be rushed to hospital. Your husband is just standing there eating laddus while you starve the whole day for his long life. Do I really need to tell you main teri jagah hoti toh kya karti?"

*resounding slap*

The bahu is now lying on the carpet, holding a hand to her cheek. The camera focuses on her face, zooming in and out repeatedly until the audience gets a headache. The camera than pans to show the expressions on the faces of each of the people present there including the family dog. Some weirdass music plays in the background. The bahu looks stunned. Her husband in his bhola-bhala kurta pyjama looks stunned. Her father-in-law with his fake white hair looks stunned. Her mother-in-law with her purple lipstick looks stunned. Her sister-in-law with her super-short wig looks... you get the drift. Wafaadaar naukar (who is actually the bahu's real dad) looks at bahu’s expressionless face and says, “Lagta hai yaad-daasht chali gayi hai.”

The giant hand punches wafaadaar naukar in the nose and tries to make its way out of the giant haveli. Before it can get back into my living room, a girl in a kurti and long skirt runs towards it, grabs it and shakes it and says, "Oh my god. What a plot... I'm bowled over."

“Kaun hai be?” the voice booms again as the hand struggles to free itself.

"Hi, I'm Ekta... meri nayi serial mein kaam karogi? Serial ka naam hai “Kkkiiska haath?"

Giant hand picks up the rolled-up newspaper again.


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