Monday, January 07, 2008

A helping hand

Every time I watch India playing a cricket match and struggling against good fielders, I wish I could extend my hand and put it through the TV screen, all the way till the fielder, lift him up using my thumb and forefinger so that he dangles from my little nail hundreds of feet above the ball that is now going for a beautiful FOUR. I then gently put him down and retract my match-winning device or helpful hand, through the TV screen back to my living room, in preparation for the next one. Now that is what I call getting really involved in a match. A couple of days ago, I discovered that matches are not the only things I get involved in.

Recently, I got myself all three hindi channels - Sony, Zee and Star Plus. The main reason was that my Chinese friend Starbreez whom I'd inducted into the ‘Bollywood zindabad baaki sab murdabad’ club, had started supplying me with the latest Bollywood trivia and I was freaking out. I had to get back in the groove, I had to expose myself to the latest songs and trailers and then tell her things she did not know but I did. Hah!

So I told myself that I'd treat myself to the hindi movie channels after wrapping up my latest book (for the uninitiated, I corrupt young minds by writing books for them) as the work on the book barely gave me any TV time. Last week, the publisher called to tell me the book had hit the stores (pray for me, will you, that it doesn't end up in the 'half off' bin?) and I promptly subscribed to the hindi channels. Besides, Mom's dropping by Singapore on her way back to India from the US and since I can't get leave for the entire two weeks, hindi channels would serve as the best entertainment for her. (Of course, no amount of hindi channels can be as entertaining as baby Aish singing "Haina bolo bolo" in that baby voice of hers, but sorry Mom, I've gotta work with the resources I actually have.)

Anyway, so I have been watching quite a bit of the three channels I got in order to decide on which of the three I'm going to keep after Mom goes back. Keeping all three would be a waste – I don’t watch so much TV. My only criterion is that I will keep the one with the least number of saas bahu serials. Maximum Bollywood. Minimum bawling. So I've been noting down all details of saas-bahu serials that crop up during my channel surfing. And that's where I came across the trailers of this new (?) serial called "Baabul ka aangan chhoote na". Oh, the audacity to call it that! Wait till you hear the plot.

This bahu-looking err... bahu is asking the audience, "Pati ke liye karwa chauth ka vrat ya apne beemar pita ko aspatal pahunchana? Aap meri jagah hote toh kya karte?"

After thunking my head on the wall several times, I decide it’s time to lend a helping hand.

The bahu is rambling on about other events that are putting her in a spot when suddenly, the shoot is interrupted by the hand of Sayesha, which has somehow entered the grand haveli where the bahu is whining. The ghar ka wafaadaar naukar yells out in excitement, "Phata poster, nikli Sayesha!" Sayesha’s hand picks up the newspaper from the coffee table, rolls it and thwacks the bahu's head repeatedly. A voice booms in the living room, "DUH! Your dad is so ill he has to be rushed to hospital. Your husband is just standing there eating laddus while you starve the whole day for his long life. Do I really need to tell you main teri jagah hoti toh kya karti?"

*resounding slap*

The bahu is now lying on the carpet, holding a hand to her cheek. The camera focuses on her face, zooming in and out repeatedly until the audience gets a headache. The camera than pans to show the expressions on the faces of each of the people present there including the family dog. Some weirdass music plays in the background. The bahu looks stunned. Her husband in his bhola-bhala kurta pyjama looks stunned. Her father-in-law with his fake white hair looks stunned. Her mother-in-law with her purple lipstick looks stunned. Her sister-in-law with her super-short wig looks... you get the drift. Wafaadaar naukar (who is actually the bahu's real dad) looks at bahu’s expressionless face and says, “Lagta hai yaad-daasht chali gayi hai.”

The giant hand punches wafaadaar naukar in the nose and tries to make its way out of the giant haveli. Before it can get back into my living room, a girl in a kurti and long skirt runs towards it, grabs it and shakes it and says, "Oh my god. What a plot... I'm bowled over."

“Kaun hai be?” the voice booms again as the hand struggles to free itself.

"Hi, I'm Ekta... meri nayi serial mein kaam karogi? Serial ka naam hai “Kkkiiska haath?"

Giant hand picks up the rolled-up newspaper again.


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26 comments:

shub said...

again, how many leaves left this year?! Please use them up soon! :P

fursht!

Cinderella said...

silver!!!!

i wish you can actually do this 'slap stuff' with ekta kapoor's serials.. this lady has taken a heavy toll of useful 'mother hours'. :)

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

omg bronze!
bleddy serials make my blood boil

vivek said...

woo hoo ... that was hilarious .. wish I could do that in real life.
(I'm vivek, not a blogger. I hit upon your blog while reading my friend Angad's blog). Can't stop laughing .. :D.

Clueless said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *pauses for breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Damn, this was so funny. By the time I got to "Kkkiiska haath?", I couldn't hold it in anymore. I don't think your hypothetical-newspaper thwacking has ever been put to better use. :D

Indian TV channels these days are The Suck, really. I can't find anything decent to watch! Everytime I pick up the newspaper (*keeps out of your reach*) to go through the schedule for the day, I keep coming across this "Mere Bhains Ko Anda Kyon Mara" thing they keep showing EVERY single day, and then I lose all hope for Indian TV. *sigh* I think your "helping hand" would be a great boon, if it could be done.

While you're at it, could you reach a hand into the TV and smack those senseless people umpiring the India/Australia matches? Grr.

The Mad Girl said...

Thwack Thwack Thwack!! how I love the sound!! and they sound so much the better when the neweapon hits Kekta.
Well yes! these hindi soaps are competent enough to drive people crazy! The quintessential good saas bad bahu combo or the vice versa,ghastly make-ups, immortal husbands and a steady line-up of new avtars and not to forget the forced Punajbi,Tamil or bengali accent...all make me go GRRRRRR!!

a very funny post, very sayesha if I dare to say so.:)

Amey said...

Oh, sorry for nitpicking... If the naukar is bahu's real dad, then who is she rushing to the hospital?

That said, isn't the plot plain madness? I am not so well conversant with the details, but does karva chauth stop you from going out of house for the day?

mythalez said...

kkyunki haath mein bhi akbaar hota hai :P

Angelsera said...

hahaha...that was good..
man the number of times i have felt like doing tt during a saas bahu serial!And the way the camera goes back n forth, zoomed in n out unnecessarily.
Yday my mom was surfing when we saw that one of the serials on Zee, had done a remake of Cinderella w the bahu being Cinderella!! I mean come on already!! How dumb can ppl b to b watching this?

oh btw..happy new year! and Sandy really liked the jigsaw..put all our names at the back..

Sayesha said...

#Shub,
Oye! Meri leave ke peechhe kaiku? Leave ko kanjoosi se use karne ka... apun ko year-end mein India jaane ka hai! :D

#Cinderella,
//this lady has taken a heavy toll of useful 'mother hours'. :)

Hahaha! I asked my Mom whether she watched this crap and her reply was "CHIH!" Hahahahaah! :D

#Ipanema Girl,
Hehehe! :D But they're very entertaining in a different way. I think I will follow one or two and see how much more idiotic they can get! :P

#Vivek,
Welcome and thanks! :)

#Clueless,
Hehehe! Yeah man, the entire Aussie cricket team needs some serious THWACKING! :/

#The Mad Girl,
Thanks! :)

#Amey,
//If the naukar is bahu's real dad, then who is she rushing to the hospital?

Ufff! Sam samjhana padta hai... bahu's biological dad abandoned her when she was three, he wanted to pursue his dreams (of becoming wafaadaar naukar? Ah well.) She was brought up by the step-dad who's now ill and deserves her attention. Ghusi bheje mein baat ya newspaper thwack chahiye? :P

//but does karva chauth stop you from going out of house for the day?

Wohi toh! Dunno what logic that is! And if she's so helpless, why doesn't her husband drop the laddoo and drive her to the hospital?? Dhakkan kahin ka! :/

#Mythalez,
Jodhaa-Akhbaar! Hahaha! Sorry sorry bad joke! :P :P :P

#Angelsera,
OMG I've seen that Cinderella one! It's madness I tell you! Just when you think these serials can't get any sillier... :/

Happy new year to you too! And glad Sandy liked the puzzle! :D

Sanchit said...

Thwack... This is exactly what we friends discussed over coffee last nite.. A stunner. Zoom In and Zoom Out again and again..

Tejal said...

heyyyyy bhai.. hows u?? happy new yearrr!! hehe..sorry for the long absence from the bar..sorta got caught in stuff..maafi bhai maafi!!
hehhe..kya bhai.. subscribe bhi kiya toh ye teen channel..! trailor hi dekhna tha toh mtv india lene tha na!

Divya said...

Hello! New visitor here. And you couldn't have said it better about the ads of this particularly irritating soap ( the other versions are more bearable, with both families having uncanny coincidences while choosing dates to celebrate)! Btw, fultoo timepass your blog, off to dig into the archives!:)

Janefield said...

There was one serial called 'Baabul Ki Duaaein Leti Jaa' once upon a time. No, I never watched it!! The title was enough to make me shudder :P

And good you got all Zee, Sony, and Star idiotic channels, now you can also waste your time fruitfully :P Waise, if you wanted to just keep up with Bollywood gossip to be one up on your Chinese pal (of all the competitions?!?!) Zoom is the best to subscribe to. These tridevs are utter waste only.

Zoom mein daily gossip aata hai, Mid-Day ishtyle! Especially since aajkal mid-day bhi mid-day ki tarah nahin raha :(

Bivas said...

seriously...how cud u watch that?!!!
Those serials are utter crap...Ekta Kapoor ki supari kaise nahin nikli abhi tak...naa jaane kitne gharon ko barbaad kiya hoga aaj tak (with almost all her programs being sadistic dramas and unrealistic plots).
'Hum Paanch' ke baad shayad usne koi dhang ki cheez banayi hi nahi!

Bivas said...

oh n btw...how old is 'Baa' again? Double century laga daala kya? ;-)
The last I hrd she was 120!!!

Lively said...

I wish that putting hand through the TV screen could work, i mean for everone who hates K label serials (or serials in general). The way you imagined it was hilarious though.

Yay!! I commented from office!!! Meaning i'm able to access blogs.
Calls for a round of tequila shots everyone. This one from me.
Cheers!!! :)

Sayesha said...

#Sanchit,
Ah the headache-inducing zoom! :P

#Tejal,
Arre! Aao thakur! Long time no see! I think more than me, Viv missed you at the bar! :D Happy happy new year!
ps: There's no MTV India here. :(

#Divya,
Welcome and thanks for commenting! :)

#Janefield,
There is no Zoom here yaar! :(

#Bivas,
I didn't watch it re... I caught the trailers when I was channel-surfing for movie trailers! :D

#Lively,
Thanks! And thanks also for the tequila shots, basements stocks were dwindling. :P

satish said...

hehe!

bhai..yaane ki.. buss.. kaise kar lete ho aap yeh sab??!

Joy said...

Fundoooooooooooooo... Great read!

Iday said...

This is to convey to the "J K Rowling in the making" that i was here, read and enjoyed the post, but in my brain dead state could not think of good any comment!!! But i was here okay...

realistic dreamer said...

LOL! u have some sense of humor! :D

rt said...

I wish for such hands tooo.....!!!

Tejal said...

Viv missed ME at the bar??? :O :O :O
*perched on cloud 999 n refuses to step down*

chanakya said...

hey back after a long time,
2 weeks vacation in India :D
you haven't takes Star Gold???????
Hindi movies all day long and its pretty decent as well.
They show classics too.

Sravya! said...

Good one... :)