Saturday, January 26, 2008

Aap ki Kkapoooorrr

The word had reached Himesh. His new movie Karzzzz was short on funds. Some of the producers, after seeing his moronic behaviour on TV during Zee Saregamapa, had decided to pull back. Himesh decided to take matters into his own hands. He got his secretary to send letters to all movie producers to ask if they would be interested in funding his movie. Interested parties were to meet him in his office the next day.

Sayesha Smitten showbiz kitten sniffed out this piece of news, and as usual perched atop a tree outside the office, furiously taking notes.

Himesh (to his assistant) - Ankooorrrr...

Assistant (pleadingly) - Sir, it's Ankur.

Himesh - Haan, wohi toh! See if any of the producers are outside?

Ankur steps out and is back in a few minutes.

Himesh - So? Anyone out there?

Ankur - Sir... woh... ladies...

Himesh - Ladies? There are ladies out there? My fans?

Ankur - Nahin sir... Not fans... woh TV wali ladies...

Himesh - TV wali ladies? You mean TV reporters?

Ankur - Nahin sir...

Himesh - What nonsense are you saying Ankooorrr? How many ladies are there??

Ankur - Only one, sir.

Himesh - Huh? Only one? Toh 'ladies' kyun bola? Pehle bus conductor tha kya??

Ankur - Jee, sir.

Himesh - Theek hai theek hai, send her in.

Ankur escorts the "ladies" into Himesh's room.

Himesh - Hi, have we met before?

"Ladies" - I doubt it. I have heard about you though... I mean I have heard you.

Himesh - Oh... thanks. But are you a producer?

"Ladies" (smiles) - Yes, I am.

Himesh - Oh okay, but I can't quite remember sending you the letter. How did you get it?

"Ladies" (coyly looks at her nails) - Oh I have my sources.

Himesh - Hmmm... okay. So are you interested in funding my movie Karzzzz?

"Ladies" - Very much so!

Himesh - But why?

"Ladies" (coyly looks at her nails) - Well, I am Ekta Kapoor. I'll fund anything that starts with a 'K'.

Himesh - Oh, you're Ekta Kapoor! THE Ekta Kapoor? Woh TV wali?

Ekta (blushes) - Oh thanks! Yeah, that's me.

Himesh - I am so flattered that you agreed to fund my second movie! Did you like my first movie 'Aap ka surroor'?

Ekta - Oh I loved it!

Himesh - You did? Thank you. What did you like the most about the movie?

Ekta - The fact that the word 'surroor' in the title had three Rs.

Himesh - Huh? Errr... okay. But what did you like in the movie?

Ekta - Oh I'm sorry. I didn't watch the movie.

Himesh - You didn't? You didn't watch my first movie but you're ready to fund my second?

Ekta - Well, I am Ekta Kapoor. I'll fund anything that starts with...

Himesh - Ok ok I get it. You'll fund anything that starts with a 'K'.

Ekta (grins) - Correct!

Himesh (scratches his cap and whispers to Ankur) - Dekh toh Ankooorr, baahar aur koi hai kya?

Ankur is back in a second.

Ankur - Nahin sir, bas yehi ladies aayi hai.

Himesh - Hmmm... Theek hai.

Ekta - So tell me about the movie.

Himesh - Well, it's a remake of the old movie Karz. It's about a boy who is in love with a girl and then he gets killed and...

Ekta - Oh no I don't need to know the story... I have never cared for the story even in my own TV serials!

Himesh (slightly annoyed) - Then what do you want to know about the movie?

Ekta - Important details... like how many Zs are there in the title.

Himesh - How many... what the... uh... okay.

Ekta - So?

Himesh - Four maybe?

Ekta (looks horrified)- Four maybe?? Let me call my astrologer, this is an important decision.

Ekta exchanges a few hurried words with her astrologer on the phone.

Himesh - What did he say?

Ekta - He thinks there should be five Zs.

Himesh - Five? But the promo posters are out, and I think they have four.

Ekta - You *think*??

Himesh - Ankooorrrr, madam ko poster dikhao.

Ankur (holds up the poster) - Dekho madam. 4 hain na? Hilela effect hai na, aasani se pata nahin chalta kitne Zs hain.

Ekta - Theek hai, hilela hai toh thoda aur hilne do. Ek aur Z laga do.

Himesh - But... critics are already slamming the movie because of the ZZZZ. Some are even saying that the review of the movie is already in the title!

Ekta - Sorry Himesh, I'm a stickler for correct spelling. I can only fund this if it has 5 Zs.

Himesh (resigned look) - Theek hai theek hai. Ankooorrr, poster redesign karwa do.

Ankur - Jee sir.

Ekta - I notice you have removed your cap in this one.

Himesh - Yes, I have.

Ekta (mutters under her breath) - Pehle topi pehenkar audience ko topi pehnaya... aur ab...

Himesh - Do you like it?

Ekta - Love the new look! Achha, who's the heroine?

Himesh - It's a new girl Shweta.

Ekta - Photo dikhao?

Himesh (shows her the photo) - Pretty, huh?

Ekta - She's okay-okay. We'll need to change the heroine.

Himesh - Change the heroine?? But we've already shot some scenes!

Ekta - So? Minor changes in the storyline will do the trick. We'll just kill her off, and then reveal that she wasn't dead. Plastic surgery and poof! We have a new heroine!

Himesh - Minor change... but it's not the girl who's supposed to die... it's me.

Ekta - Don't worry. Instead of killing you off, we will give you amnesia. So you won't even realise the girl has changed.

Himesh - But...

Ekta - Any objections?

Himesh - No, I guess...

Ekta - Good. So are you composing the songs as well?

Himesh - Of course! That's the whole point, right? I'm an actor-cum-singer-cum-composer.

Ekta (mutters under her breathe) - Well, I think you're a moron-cum-moron-cum-moron.

Himesh - In fact, I just composed the title track for the movie in my head!

Ekta - Really? That's great. Can I hear it?

Himesh - Sure! (picks up a magazine from the coffee table, rolls it up and holds it in his trademark upside down microphone style) - Huzooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrr........

Ekta (jumps) - Uhhh? Isn't this an old song of yours? Are you recycling??

Himesh - Patience, Ekta, patience. May I continue?

Ekta - Uhh... sure... sure.

Himesh - Huzooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Ekta looks at her watch.

Himesh - Huzooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Ekta (clicks impatiently) - Himesh, I'm kinda getting late...

Himesh - No worries, here comes the punchline after the last huzoor.

Ekta - Go ahead.

Himesh - Huzooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... Ekta Kapooooooorrrrrrrr!

Ekta (looks up startled, but ecstatic nevertheless) - Oh. OH! I'm in the title track?

Himesh (grins) - Didn't I tell you I just composed it in my head? Do you like it?

Ekta - Oh I LOVE IT. Especially the punchline. It's like music to my ears!

Himesh (glares angrily) - It is music.

Ekta (bites her tongue and then quickly recovers) - Of course! Of course! What I meant was... it's a very... erm... musical... uhh... piece of music!

Himesh - Thank you, Ekta!

Ekta - Okay then, I'm off. Will give you a buzz later.

Himesh - Oh no no no. Give me a buzzzzz! (winks)

Ekta (turns to deliver a fake laugh) - Ha. Ha. Ha. Himesh, you are so funny. Sure sure. I'll give you a buzzzzz. (rolls eyes and walks out)



Dhara said...

Gold !!!!!!! damn ,it tempted me to delurk for the second time

Dhara said...

glad to hear from your the showbiz kitten after a long time. Hilarious post bhai !

Bivas said...

seriously...y do people allow such remakes...y did they give him the rights for a remake in the first place?!!!
It is definitely goin to be a zzzzzzzzz film with all those extra z's
First RGV ki Aag and now this...
Hey Bhagwaan! Utha Le...Mujhe Nahin, yeh classics ka kabada karne waalon ko!

aequo animo said...

Silver!!, Am I lucky or what :D

Bivas said...

Happy Republic Day! :-)

K said... do you write such masterpieces? :D

And a bronze. I think. :P

Navdeep said...

First of all, death to everyone who took away the medals, especially to Dhara Dhara Shuddh Dhara. Hmph. Her gold is not as shuddh.
Yenyway, I louuuuuud this piece! Felt good to come back here and see the showbiz kitten in her tree-top action. :P
And iss Himessssss ka koi kucch karrrrro. Why, oh why is he hellbent upon degrading our poor ol' Bollywood? Sash bhai, I give you his supari. Tapka daalo saale ko. :D
Oh, and Happy Republic Day and all that jazz.

Navdeep said...

And a big fat THENGA to jallo urf tgfi. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Aur jaaye woh NYC! :D

The Mad Girl said...

Seriously can't Saysha and her rolled up newspaper do something to this pain Himesh?
Thikane laga dena bhai.(is that correct?)

mythalez said...

rofl ... hope they both get to read this ... atleast they ll know what 'entertainment' is :P

V said...

Not a bad post...for some reason liked this better than ur recent ones.

How're you?

and pardon the sms-ese :-)


Lavs said...

"Ekta (mutters under her breathe) - Well, I think you're a moron-cum-moron-cum-moron."

Absolutely hilarious:-)I am gonna link you up at my space.

Nidhi said...

hahahaha....loved the piece " of the movie is already in the title!"
hilarious thinking indeed :D

Guruprasad said...

Hilarious! take a bow!

Hershey Desai said...

oh my... when it said sayesha on the rocks..I didn't expect it to be meant literally..

first time here. And the first post I see, a chat between two of the most annoying "celebrities".

but yet, anyone who can make me read something about himesh and ekta has got to have some talent.

the first line of the dialogue itself made me laugh..ankooorrr..

i wonder if I call my college "Kollege" will she fund my "kollege education"..

A G said...

Ekta (grins) - Correct!

This should be Korrrect :D

Cheers to bartender bhai.

i will produce your next movie :D


Confessions of a Born Procrastinator said...

Five ZZZZZ's "Some are even saying that the review of the movie is already in the title!"

Ha ha... too good... :)

Sayesha said...

Thanks! :D

//Hey Bhagwaan! Utha Le...Mujhe Nahin, yeh classics ka kabada karne waalon ko!

Couldn't agree more yaar!! :/


Happy Republic Day! :D

Thanks! :P

Abbe! Tu?! Yahan? :P Bechari Dhara par gussa kaiku nikal reli hai.. apni speed badha! :P

//Sash bhai, I give you his supari. Tapka daalo saale ko. :D

Laga diya hai apun chhokra log! Topi pehenkar disguise mein chala jata hai na isliye thoda time lag rela hai. :P

#The Mad Girl,
Hehehe! Thanks! :P

Thanks! :)

Thanks. Aapki kripa hai. :)

Thanks! :)

Haha! No no, I actually read somewhere that some critic said that the review of the movie is already in the title! :P

Thanks! :)

Thanks! :D

#A G,
Sheesh! You have been Ektaa-ed!

#Born Procrastinator,
Thanks! :P

Amey said...

Bhai, Karzzz(z?) pe apun ne bhi ek post lekhela hai...Jara padh lena

Aur ye, "Ekta-ed" kya cheej hai... "ek-taal" to pata hai.