Aap ki Kkapoooorrr

The word had reached Himesh. His new movie Karzzzz was short on funds. Some of the producers, after seeing his moronic behaviour on TV during Zee Saregamapa, had decided to pull back. Himesh decided to take matters into his own hands. He got his secretary to send letters to all movie producers to ask if they would be interested in funding his movie. Interested parties were to meet him in his office the next day.

Sayesha Smitten showbiz kitten sniffed out this piece of news, and as usual perched atop a tree outside the office, furiously taking notes.

Himesh (to his assistant) - Ankooorrrr...

Assistant (pleadingly) - Sir, it's Ankur.

Himesh - Haan, wohi toh! See if any of the producers are outside?


Ankur steps out and is back in a few minutes.


Himesh - So? Anyone out there?

Ankur - Sir... woh... ladies...

Himesh - Ladies? There are ladies out there? My fans?

Ankur - Nahin sir... Not fans... woh TV wali ladies...

Himesh - TV wali ladies? You mean TV reporters?

Ankur - Nahin sir...

Himesh - What nonsense are you saying Ankooorrr? How many ladies are there??

Ankur - Only one, sir.

Himesh - Huh? Only one? Toh 'ladies' kyun bola? Pehle bus conductor tha kya??

Ankur - Jee, sir.

Himesh - Theek hai theek hai, send her in.


Ankur escorts the "ladies" into Himesh's room.


Himesh - Hi, have we met before?

"Ladies" - I doubt it. I have heard about you though... I mean I have heard you.

Himesh - Oh... thanks. But are you a producer?

"Ladies" (smiles) - Yes, I am.

Himesh - Oh okay, but I can't quite remember sending you the letter. How did you get it?

"Ladies" (coyly looks at her nails) - Oh I have my sources.

Himesh - Hmmm... okay. So are you interested in funding my movie Karzzzz?

"Ladies" - Very much so!

Himesh - But why?

"Ladies" (coyly looks at her nails) - Well, I am Ekta Kapoor. I'll fund anything that starts with a 'K'.

Himesh - Oh, you're Ekta Kapoor! THE Ekta Kapoor? Woh TV wali?

Ekta (blushes) - Oh thanks! Yeah, that's me.

Himesh - I am so flattered that you agreed to fund my second movie! Did you like my first movie 'Aap ka surroor'?

Ekta - Oh I loved it!

Himesh - You did? Thank you. What did you like the most about the movie?

Ekta - The fact that the word 'surroor' in the title had three Rs.

Himesh - Huh? Errr... okay. But what did you like in the movie?

Ekta - Oh I'm sorry. I didn't watch the movie.

Himesh - You didn't? You didn't watch my first movie but you're ready to fund my second?

Ekta - Well, I am Ekta Kapoor. I'll fund anything that starts with...

Himesh - Ok ok I get it. You'll fund anything that starts with a 'K'.

Ekta (grins) - Correct!


Himesh (scratches his cap and whispers to Ankur) - Dekh toh Ankooorr, baahar aur koi hai kya?

Ankur is back in a second.

Ankur - Nahin sir, bas yehi ladies aayi hai.

Himesh - Hmmm... Theek hai.


Ekta - So tell me about the movie.

Himesh - Well, it's a remake of the old movie Karz. It's about a boy who is in love with a girl and then he gets killed and...

Ekta - Oh no I don't need to know the story... I have never cared for the story even in my own TV serials!

Himesh (slightly annoyed) - Then what do you want to know about the movie?

Ekta - Important details... like how many Zs are there in the title.

Himesh - How many... what the... uh... okay.

Ekta - So?

Himesh - Four maybe?

Ekta (looks horrified)- Four maybe?? Let me call my astrologer, this is an important decision.

Ekta exchanges a few hurried words with her astrologer on the phone.

Himesh - What did he say?

Ekta - He thinks there should be five Zs.

Himesh - Five? But the promo posters are out, and I think they have four.

Ekta - You *think*??



Himesh - Ankooorrrr, madam ko poster dikhao.

Ankur (holds up the poster) - Dekho madam. 4 hain na? Hilela effect hai na, aasani se pata nahin chalta kitne Zs hain.

Ekta - Theek hai, hilela hai toh thoda aur hilne do. Ek aur Z laga do.

Himesh - But... critics are already slamming the movie because of the ZZZZ. Some are even saying that the review of the movie is already in the title!

Ekta - Sorry Himesh, I'm a stickler for correct spelling. I can only fund this if it has 5 Zs.

Himesh (resigned look) - Theek hai theek hai. Ankooorrr, poster redesign karwa do.

Ankur - Jee sir.

Ekta - I notice you have removed your cap in this one.

Himesh - Yes, I have.

Ekta (mutters under her breath) - Pehle topi pehenkar audience ko topi pehnaya... aur ab...

Himesh - Do you like it?

Ekta - Love the new look! Achha, who's the heroine?

Himesh - It's a new girl Shweta.

Ekta - Photo dikhao?

Himesh (shows her the photo) - Pretty, huh?

Ekta - She's okay-okay. We'll need to change the heroine.

Himesh - Change the heroine?? But we've already shot some scenes!

Ekta - So? Minor changes in the storyline will do the trick. We'll just kill her off, and then reveal that she wasn't dead. Plastic surgery and poof! We have a new heroine!

Himesh - Minor change... but it's not the girl who's supposed to die... it's me.

Ekta - Don't worry. Instead of killing you off, we will give you amnesia. So you won't even realise the girl has changed.

Himesh - But...

Ekta - Any objections?

Himesh - No, I guess...

Ekta - Good. So are you composing the songs as well?

Himesh - Of course! That's the whole point, right? I'm an actor-cum-singer-cum-composer.

Ekta (mutters under her breathe) - Well, I think you're a moron-cum-moron-cum-moron.

Himesh - In fact, I just composed the title track for the movie in my head!

Ekta - Really? That's great. Can I hear it?

Himesh - Sure! (picks up a magazine from the coffee table, rolls it up and holds it in his trademark upside down microphone style) - Huzooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrr........

Ekta (jumps) - Uhhh? Isn't this an old song of yours? Are you recycling??

Himesh - Patience, Ekta, patience. May I continue?

Ekta - Uhh... sure... sure.

Himesh - Huzooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Ekta looks at her watch.

Himesh - Huzooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Ekta (clicks impatiently) - Himesh, I'm kinda getting late...

Himesh - No worries, here comes the punchline after the last huzoor.

Ekta - Go ahead.

Himesh - Huzooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... Ekta Kapooooooorrrrrrrr!

Ekta (looks up startled, but ecstatic nevertheless) - Oh. OH! I'm in the title track?

Himesh (grins) - Didn't I tell you I just composed it in my head? Do you like it?

Ekta - Oh I LOVE IT. Especially the punchline. It's like music to my ears!

Himesh (glares angrily) - It is music.

Ekta (bites her tongue and then quickly recovers) - Of course! Of course! What I meant was... it's a very... erm... musical... uhh... piece of music!

Himesh - Thank you, Ekta!

Ekta - Okay then, I'm off. Will give you a buzz later.

Himesh - Oh no no no. Give me a buzzzzz! (winks)

Ekta (turns to deliver a fake laugh) - Ha. Ha. Ha. Himesh, you are so funny. Sure sure. I'll give you a buzzzzz. (rolls eyes and walks out)

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