Party piece

Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) has managed to gatecrash the wedding reception of Riteish Deshmukh and Genelia D'Souza. She approaches the couple to wish them.

Genelia - Oh no, not this cuckoo reporter! I was in one of her interviews once and I can't take it again. I'm off to powder my nose. Isko tum sambhaalo.

SSSK - Congrats, Riteish! I am so happy for you. You are the face of this country!

Riteish (flattered) - Really? You think so? What makes you say that?

SSSK - Oh no, I was just translating your surname.

Riteish - Uh... Ummm... Please excuse me, I have to go powder my nose too. Please go ahead and mingle.

SSSK looks around, spots a bitter-looking Nargis Fakhri in a corner, and approaches her.

SSSK - So Nargis, you must be thrilled. Your very first movie Rockstar was a big hit!

Nargis - Oh please. It was an out and out Ranbir movie. Everybody hated my acting. I thought I'd at least get the 'Fresh face of the year' award!

SSSK - Hmmm... True... So why do you think you didn't get it?

Nargis (bitterly) - I asked them, didn't I? And you know what they said?? They said my face is not fresh! Apparently, it was already revealed to the world in 1934 by Walt Disney! I don't even know what that means! (bursts into tears and walks off)

SSSK spots Bappi Lahiri holding a glass in one hand and one of the many gold chains around his neck in the other hand, singing "O mere dil ke chain..."

SSSK - Bappida, you must be so disappointed. You weren't even nominated for the best singer award for the hit song 'Ooh la la'!

Bappida - Aarey nahin nahin. I'm just happy they still let me sing in spite of my atrocious accent. Ham Bidda Balon ka pikchar mein gana gaya. Pikchaar heet, gana heet, what else could I ask for? Aagla saal isse bhi daarty daarty pikchaar mein gaayega.

SSSK and Bappida spot Akon talking to Vishal and Shekhar. Akon was nominated for the song 'Chhammak chhallo'.

Bappida - Acchha SSSK, ek baat batao. Udhaar dekho toh. Akon hai jo Bishal-Shekhor se baat kar raha hai?

SSSK - Yes.

Bappida - Nahin. Tum saamjha nahin. Ham pooch raha hai ki Akon hai.

SSSK - Yes, it is him.

Bappida - Bat who is it? Wohi toh ham poochh raha hai. A-kon hai??

SSSK - Ohhhhh! You meant 'Yeh kaun hai?'

Bappida - Yes yes.

SSSK - Bappida, yeh Akon hai.

Bappida - Acchaa acchhaa toh tumko bhi nahin maloom...

SSSK - Huh? Mujhe maloom hai. Yeh Akon hai.

Bappida - Maloom hai toh ulta hamko kyun pochhta hai re?

SSSK - Maine kahan poochha? Maine toh bas kaha ki yeh Akon hai.

Bappida - Huh... Aajkal yeh reporter log bhi baada baada party mein aakar kaam chhodkar drank rehta hai...

Bappida walks off. SSSK spots Sonakshi Sinha.

SSSK - Sonakshi! We didn't see you in any of the movies in 2011. Would you like to say something about that?

Sonakshi - Ummm... Ok. Uh... Thappad se darr nahin lagta, saheb. Pyaar se...

SSSK - Arre yaar, pak gaye hum log. Do saalon se yehi dialogue bol rahi ho har jagah. Kuch aur nahin hai bolne ko?

KHAAMOSH!! Shatrughan Sinha appears and takes his crying daughter away.

SSSK - Thappad se yaad aaya, I must find SRK!

SSSK finds SRK.

SSSK - Sir, Shirish Kunder ki pitaai karke aap toh sach mein Tees Maar Khan ho gaye! I saw all the Kha.One jokes in the Amul ads too. Suna hai aap Ra.One ka sequel bana rahe ho Kha.One?

SRK - What nonsense! Tum presswalon ki wajah se hi industry mein maar-peet hoti hai! Kisne kaha ki main Ra.One ka sequel bana raha hoon Kha.One?? Maine abhi title finalize nahin kiya hai!

SSSK - Uhhh.... Never mind then. Sir, mere paas kuch suggestions hain title ke liye.

SRK - Ok. Chalo sunao.

SSSK - How about 'Ek bandar Kunder ke andar'? Or maybe 'Shirish par barish (mukkon ki)'?

SRK (rolls his eyes) - Arre wah. Very good.

SSSK (feeling encouraged) - Sir, ek gana bhi hai. Shirish will sing to Farah. The song is sung to the tune of that famous song where Sunny Deol's scooter wouldn't start.

Farah O Farah! Shah Rukh ne mara!
Din mein nazar aaya tara!
Ab ek pal bhi, tumse na bichhdun
Pit jaaun na main dobara!

SRK gives her some false encouragement again and leaves. SSSK stands there for a while, looking very pleased with herself. Then she spots Zoya Akhtar.

SSSK - Congratulations, Zoya! I have a question for you. Some people thought that 'The Dirty Picture' deserved the Filmfare best film award more than 'Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara'. What do you have to say to that?

Zoya fumes but does not say anything.

SSSK - So are you also going to join the sequel bandwagon like your brother?

Zoya - Interesting that you mention it. Farhan and I are actually thinking of doing a sequel. We need some clean movies to counter the dirty dirty pictures that people make. In fact, we are calling our sequel 'Gandgi Na Milegi Dobara'.

SSSK spots Bipasha Basu, Priyanka Chopra and Sonam.

SSSK - Bipasha! Congrats! The song 'Bipasha' is a hit!

Bipasha - Thank you, thank you.

Priyanka and Sonam make faces at each other.

SSSK - So Priyanka and Sonam, we have a song for Bebo and now one for Bipasha. Is there a Priyanka or Sonam song in the making?

Priyanka - Erm... Actually my producers wanted to have a Priyanka song, but the lyricists are saying that the only word that rhymes properly with 'Priyanka' is 'Sri Lanka' so we scrapped the idea.

SSSK - I see, I see. And Sonam, what about you?

Sonam - Yes yes, something similar happened to me too. The lyricists said that the only word that rhymes properly with 'Sonam' is 'Onam'. And I can't have that, can I? I mean... It goes against everything I stand for!

SSSK - What do you mean??

Sonam - Onam!!! Hello??!! It's a rice harvest festival! Rice!!! CARBS!!! After losing like 50 kg to be in the movies, I can't have a CARBS song to my name!!!

SSSK looks flabbergasted. Sonam and Priyanka leave.

SSSK - Toh Bipasha, one personal question, ok? What happened with you and John?? We thought you had him pinned down for marriage?

Bipasha - Sigh... John ko pakadna mushkil hi nahin, namumkin hai.

SRK (overhears) - Meri picture ka dialogue modify karke maarti hai??? Mujhse permission liye bina??

Amitabh (overhears and glares at SRK) - Teri picture??? Arre meri picture ko hi modify kar diya! Mujhse permission liye bina!!

SRK pretends to have spotted someone and excuses himself.

SSSK - Amit ji, one question, please!

AB (irritated) - Offo! Not again. No, we don't have a name for Beti B yet. Happy now?

SSSK - Erm... No, that was not my question. I just wanted to know what you think of the Agneepath remake. Are you offended that it's such a big hit compared to your original movie?

AB - Not at all. I am not offended. Dekhiye, flop movies ko remake toh karna hi chahiye. Using newer technology and reviewers' harsh comments on the original, you can improve every aspect of the film. Risk bhi kam hai, and there is a high chance of the remake doing better than the original. In fact, I'm also thinking of remaking Abhishek's flopped movies.

Abhishek (looks thrilled) - Pa, really?? Aapne kabhi bataya nahin...

AB (gives him a dirty look) - Apne chhote se dimaag par zyada zor mat daalo. Jo kaam diya hai pehle woh karo. December tak mujhe baby ka naam finalized chahiye, samjhe?

Abhishek sulks.

SSSK - Toh Abhishek ki kaun kaun si movies ko remake karenge aap?

AB - Duh! All of them!

Abhishek (protests) - All of them?? But Pa, I had some hit movies too...

AB - Not because of you...

Abhishek - Ok, Pa. Jaisa aapko theek lage. I promise I will work harder this time and truly make you proud!

AB - You will work harder?? Erm, but I'm not even casting you in the remakes!

Abhishek - WHAT?! You're not?? Who's playing my parts then?? Don't tell me it's Hrithik or Ranbir or Imran...

AB - Nope. I am casting someone dependable for your parts. Someone who can act.

Abhishek - Who????

AB - Me.