E is for 'Eli re eli'

Okay, who here has watched the monstrosity called Yaadein? No no, admit it. I won't judge. For I too, have watched it, my friend. I too have watched it.

You have?

*points squarely*

Shame shame poppy shame hawwwww you have watched Yaadein! Aur koi movie nahin mili?

For the uninitiated, Yaadein is a 2001 movie about three sisters, the Wikipedia entry for which casually states 'The ensemble cast crossover film starring Hrithik Roshan, Kareena Kapoor, and Jackie Shroff in lead roles, was released worldwide on 27th July 2001 to negative reviews.'

Now this song 'Eli re eli' was quite the rage in those days, dubbed by one YouTube commentator as 'Flop film ka hit gana'. Another commentator expresses his/her concerns with 'What kind of a song is this? What if someone random enters the house and sees their eli re eli moments. Matlab kuch bhi?'

So let's take a closer look at what these eli re eli moments are.

The songs starts with a shot of their gorgeous mansion.

But it's all a facade. The truth is that these girls can't even afford clothes and most of the time make do with towels and bedsheets. You'll see.

In fact, they lack even basic comfortable beds and mattresses, and as a result, ALL of them suffer from chronic back pain. The poor things. You can see them writhing in agony as they wake up each morning.

Writhing sister #1

Writhing sister #2

Writhing sister #3 toh couldn't go to sleep only.

After deciding that sleep is rather pointless, they are up and about...

...dressed in bedsheets. Satin bedsheets. All three of them. 

And they dance. 

I grew up with a sister and I can tell you we never did weird shit like this.

The song talks about how akeli their tanhaaiyan are. Translation: Their loneliness is very lonely. Methinks it was written by the same person who wrote 'Ishq wala love'.

They also keep singing about how they wanna get married. Goals, sistahs!

No prizes for guessing whom the award for the ugliest mehendi ever goes to.

Then they change so they can do their weird Sister Act again, but not into normal clothes. They wear bedsheets again, but they're all of different colours! Wow. 

And then they bathe. Their daily routine is all screwed up, I tell you.

And the viewer is subjected to the torture. One by one the sisters bathe. God forbid one of the actresses cries discrimination -- "Mujhe nahaate hue kyun nahin dikhaya??!!"

Bathing sister #1

#Bathing sister #2

Bathing sister #3 (as you can tell, she's the most extra of the trio)

You'd expect them to get dressed into normal clothes now that they've bathed. 

But, no. They stay in their towels. Then they lie down on their beds and sing and dance and roll around like toddlers. 

And then... HALLELUJAH. They get into regular clothes. Like, finally!

But wait a minute...

Are they wearing... identical clothes? Let's take a deep breath and a moment to process this. These 20-something sisters are wearing identical clothes. Because why not?

Reiterating my earlier point, I grew up with a sister and we never did weird shit like this. 

They dance. There are many bum shots. 

Many. 

That's all these sisters do ALL day long. They writhe, wear bedsheets and towels and identical clothes, and dance the bum dance. This song should have been called 'Veli re veli'.

And then our main man Hrithik enters. 

And because he's Hrithik, of course he has to enter dancing. 

The girls run to him. He has news. About a boy. 

They are curious.

"Tum mein se ek hai dulhan woh naveli." He says. "One of you is going to be a bride."

The girls don't seem too pleased about this 'marriage by Indian roulette' system. 

But then Kareena breaks into a happy dance because she suddenly remembers that she's the youngest so it can't be her. 

For no reason again, the girls start dancing. More bum shots. 

Now the whole family -- bungla, gaadi, naukar, chaakar included -- is dancing too. And playing hopscotch. 

Cut to the wedding. It's the eldest who has lost the game -- akkad bakkad bambai bo, shaadi karo and off you go. She leaves amidst much shaadi wala rona-dhona. 

The sad dad steps out just to make sure that #1 is really gone. 'Cos with these girls, you never know. They might just come prancing back. 

Oh hell, she's not gone. She's standing at the gate. We are never told why. I'm thinking maybe the car broke down and the baraat party are all leaving on foot or something. 

But he doesn't go to ask her why. He waits and makes sure she's really gone before heading back inside to start worrying about how to get the other two married off. Especially the annoying youngest one. 

Recently, I saw a meme about this song that went something like 'Eli re eli, kya hai yeh paheli, I want to be fit but eat samosa daily'. Definitely more relatable than the original song. 

Enjoy, my friends. Spread the joy. 

D is for 'Dildara dildara'

Okay, after three songs with poor-quality video, I figured I needed to have something newer. Thankfully, there are plenty of atrocious new songs as well.

However, I must admit that strictly as a song, this number is absolutely fantastic. The saving grace of this disaster, I'd say. But then it's only natural that when a song is this good, its picturisation has to be that bad.

Here's some background for the lucky readers who made the wise decision in 2011 not to subject their brains to the movie Ra.One. So Ra.One and G.One are characters in a video game that have come to life. The evil Ra.One kills the game designer Suraj Subramaniam (SRK) and is out to kill his family too, while the good one, also known as G.One (duh) is their protector. And oh, he looks exactly like Suraj, but has better hair.

And because he's not human, he needs to look angry most of the time.

But sometimes, he just looks like the SRK from My Name is Khan. 

Anyway, so G.One lives with Suraj's wife and kid, and has breakfast with them and stuff.

And because G.One is a computer program, his breakfast is a little different.

Batteries.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's our man, chomping on a battery and then a circuit board. 

No wonder Kareena looks like she can't stomach her toast anymore. 

She is also reminded of her husband Suraj, the original SRK, wearing the most horrendous wig of his entire career, and how he used to really enjoy his...

...thair spaghetti (spaghetti doused in yoghurt).

Yes, because he's a Tamilian who lives in London, and that's how Tamilians living in London like their spaghetti. 

The flashback also shows the moment when Suraj proposed to Sonia. By smartly putting the ring into her champagne, making her choke and almost do a 'I die' before 'I do'.

This is the moment she's choking on the ring. Now where have we seen this expression before? Oh wait, every single Kareena movie, that's where!

The flashback also shows him joining some buskers and doing the mata ka bulawa aaya hai dance (or maybe it's the nagin dance). No problem, bade bade deshon mein you know. 

He also does his signature SRK move with his arms outstretched, and indeed, the girls flock to him. However, for the first time in history, the SRK move has a very different effect on the members of the opposite gender. 

Instead of running to embrace him, they run to him to drop coins into his hands. Bwahahahaha. Rahul. Daam toh suna hi hoga. 

Back to the present, where Sonia is complaining about how hot the day is. Cut to scene where G.One has become... the fan. 

No, he really is. Suspended from the ceiling. Rotating upside down. 

See below for the exact moment that he got the inspiration for his other movie 'Fan'. 

G.One is bonding bigtime with Sonia's son, and decides it's very appropriate to start smoking right in front of the kid. Please note auto-ignition of the cigarette below. 

Except that it's his first time smoking and we all know what happens to computer programs when they enter the real world and start smoking. 

That's right. Short circuit. 

G.One also seems to have magical powers that he casually uses to help Sonia's son impress the neighbourhood girls. 

High-flying kid, this. 

And they are, indeed, very impressed. 

Later, G.One decides that he needs to wear a veshti, just like Suraj in the giant photo hanging on the wall. Why Suraj would choose to fold up his veshti for a seemingly formal photoshoot, and why Sonia would choose to hang that particular photo is beyond me. 

Anyway, G.One manages to nail the look. 

Yeh G.One hai, is G.One ka, yehi hai, yehi hai, yehi hai rang roop. 

Enjoy the good quality of the video and the song, and the terrible quality of... everything else. 

C is for 'Chori chori yun jab'

Today's song features the trio of Sunny Deol, Neelam and Paintal from the 1988 movie Paap Ki Duniya.

So Sunny Deol is imagining himself with Neelam...

But actually there is no Neelam. He's with his best bud Paintal. Who isn't too thrilled to be at the receiving end of Sunny's affections. 

But our hero continues imagining. And for some reason, his imagination takes him to a lakeside gig where he and Neelam are jamming away. 

Please note the drums and guitar in the background and the flute in his hands.

They proceed to do what can only be described as jumping rather than dancing. A pity considering that Neelam is a good dancer, but I guess they had to be fair to Sunny Deol as well. 

We will now pause here to take a closer look at Neelam's outfit. Oh Neelam. Oh poor adorable Neelam. What on earth did they make you wear? 

Her costume starts off innocently enough with a dupatta and a blouse, but just when you expect a lehenga, there is none! There is a salwar instead! Mind. Blown.  

In fact, her outfit is so distracting, you almost don't notice the wireless electric guitar that Sunny Deol is now playing. 

At this point, the cameraman has just discovered the magic of a colour filter, and he decides to show off. Like REALLY show off. Two colours in one screen. Wowza.

In fact, the characters literally dance their way from one colour into the other. 

All right, time to change the location. Off they go to a forest. Neelam is still going strong with her hybrid costumes. This one looks like she's tucked a white top into a white dhoti and embellished it with as much gold as the music director Bappi Lahiri could spare. 

Please note the presence of five Neelams below. The cameraman was surely moonlighting as a wedding videographer. 

Neelam changes her costume again, and it's a belly dance outfit this time. Except that she looks like she's doing ballet. See pose below. 

The cameraman is now lying on the grass to take a creative horizontal shot. Sunny Deol continues showing his talent with an assortment of musical instruments (though the drums have been in the background for a long time now and no one has played them yet...)

Close-up to Neelam and I have no words for her headgear. Maybe she decided the outfit just wasn't hybrid enough compared to the previous ones. 

This headgear could only have been procured from one place -- Burger King.

The song ends with Sunny Deol and Paintal dancing their way back home, with visions of Neelam still popping up now and then. 

The first comment on the Youtube video of this song killed me. Some guy has written, "When I was young I used to watch this video and think that one day I will get a wife like Neelam but finally ended up with a wife who looks like Paintal."  

Oh by the way, the song has this very annoying and repetitive flute bit, and it's been stuck in my head since this morning. Sorry, Bappi da, but it's VERY irritating. Here. Over to you guys. Don't say I didn't warn you.

B is for 'Baarah maheene line mari'

So this 1989 song followed in the footsteps of the format established by Madhuri's hugely popular 'Ek do teen' number from 1988 (and yes, I have seen what they have done with it this year). However, while Madhuri only did intzaar while counting down the days, this song went above and beyond to become The Essential Stalker's Anthem. Baarah maheene line mari, phir bhi laga na number. January mein shuru kiya tha, aa gaya December.

The song starts with a horrified Rekha in a garden. Btw, she looks like how I look when I have just washed my hair and dried it vigorously with a towel and then not done anything else about it.

She's in a garden with her friends when she encounters our main man Jeetendra dancing with his sidekicks. They  are holding up signs that say 'Hi!' Spelt correctly. PHEW. Not 'Hai' or 'Wanna frand me?' 

Jeetendra then proceeds to yell out 'Ae Miss!' and air-measures Rekha's vital statistics. 

He gives his verdict -- 35-25-36. She yells out 'SHUT UP!' but he's not one to be deterred. 

He starts off with how he's been stalking her for a whole year, and that's when you realise that he has exactly 12 sidekicks and they are wearing T-shirts with the names of the months on them. Much wow. 

No ordinary T-shirts these, for they also come with the month names written in Hindi at the back. Just making sure, you know. 

Much dancing by the month-buddhi bwoys. Much fleeing by the hapless girls.

The girls suddenly find themselves at a haldi ceremony that is conveniently happening at a beach that is conveniently located right next to the garden they are in.

Cliche of all cliches, the 12 boys who came armed with 12 burkhas, gatecrash the haldi to continue the harassment.

The girls run back to the beach and Rekha complains to some local fisherwomen about Jeetu and his brigade. The determined-looking women tuck their pallus in and just when you think they're gonna kick some ass...

...they break into dance while their respective men do the saltwater dhulaai. Ok, at least there is some dhulaai.

The other saving grace of the song is that unlike many other songs where the girl gives in exactly after 4 minutes of a harassment song, Rekha tells him off, threatens to call the cops and storms off. 

The song ends with a line that doesn't even rhyme properly with 'number' and 'Disumber'. "Mere dil mein kar gayi puncture", sings Jeetendra amidst the support of all the supporting cast. 

Enjoy this gem. You're welcome.

A is for 'Accident ho gaya rabba rabba'

"Ohhh! That song!"

Yes. That song. Who remembers it?

The song was way ahead of its time in many ways. Accident ho gaya, rabba rabba. Agreement ho gaya, rabba rabba. Permanent ho gaya, rabba rabba. First of all, such deep, meaningful and life-altering lyrics could only have been written by someone as talented as our very talented Mr. Yo Yo Honey Singh. Anand Bakshi managed to achieve this way back in 1983.

The song starts with Amitabh Bachchan looking up at the skies yelling 'ALLAHRAKHA!" and what appears above him is a 'flying' stuffed bird, which I initially assumed (due to the poor quality of the video) to be a pigeon.

The bird brings him a garland to put around his lady love's neck. "Aha! So Maine Pyaar Kiya was not the first movie with a pigeon playing Cupid!" I thought. But it turns out that it wasn't a pigeon, it was an eagle. Yes, AB had an eagle for a pet in Coolie.

Then they dance bindaas. In the middle of the busy road. Amidst traffic. Classic filmi ishtyle. Love it. Also, can't stand it. Perfectly describes my relationship with Bollywood movies.

A truck driver, distracted by their dancing, slams into a wall, and what tumbles out from the back of the truck? TONS OF APPLES! Our lead pair has a new substrate to dance on, yay! Now I am experiencing some major Maine Pyaar Kiya flashback, okay?

After watching the song 238748923 times, I realise that they may not be apples after all. Fine, they might be green mangoes or green lemons or something, but my point is that MPK was not the first time our lead pair danced on or tumbled with tumbling fruit.

Then, Coolie and Julie (no, seriously, that was her name) go to a forest and engage in some... err... yoga and stretches? 

After this, they turn into Tarzan and Jane and make a casual escape by swinging on some vines. The truck driver pursues, only to be hit on the head by large and heavy objects (bricks, stones, coconuts, etc.) that the loyal Allahrakha is loyally dropping from above. Pehle pyaar ka pehla paththar voyeur ko de aa.

13 years ago, I had written a post on misheard lyrics. (I also learnt that day that there is actually a term for misheard lyrics - mondegreens. A great remedy for Monday blues.) One of the commentators on that post had absolutely insisted that the Accident song went 'Accident ho gaya, taxi dent ho gaya, parmanand ho gaya' and he wanted to know if anyone could explain the parmanand part to him. Of course, many jumped in, making the comments space a hilarious discussion field. This was one of the many posts from that era where the comments were way more entertaining than the posts. I had laughed till I had cried at this one. (Sample these: Uske nana ki tareef mumkin nahin, and Aankhon mein ghusa diya, maaf ho, and Ek akela is shaher mein, raat mein aur dopahar mein, sabudana dhoondta hai.)

Anyway, I digress. Here you go, Enjoy this 'accidental' gem!

Going ape(ril)

Hello bewdas,

YES! The A-Z April blogathon is ON and I'm IN! 26 posts in the month of April; one post a day barring Sundays.

However, unlike the last four years, I plan to do it differently this year. Instead of picking a word based on each letter of the alphabet and blogging about it, I'll use songs that start with the letters. And I will share a few random facts and opinions about each song. 

But what kind of songs, Sayesha? English or Hindi? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Of course Hindi, you dhakkan. Shuddh Bollywood songs. (English songs it seems, HAHAHAHAHA. I know maybe a grand total of three English songs. Maybe less. I'm not even kidding.) 

Since April this year starts on a Sunday and you're supposed to skip Sundays, I thought the blogathon would start on Monday, 2nd April, yes? Well, NO. This bleddy April has 5 Sundays so if I skip 1st April, I would find myself labouring over Z on Labour Day. 

So the blogathon starts tomorrow. And no, this is not an April Fool's joke. 

So let me go and mull over which song I should pick from the plethora of A-songs that come to mind, while simultaneously freaking out over what I will do when I reach X. Wish me luck, bewdas, and if you're taking part in the blogathon, leave a comment so I can go read your stuff too! 

Cheers,

Sayesha

All by myself

Last month, I did what I'd never done before. I travelled without Xena. In fact, I was travelling by myself after a decade! The last solo flight I took was in 2008 when I flew to Boston on work. Of course, back then Xena was not in the picture. Once she was born, she accompanied me everywhere. But this time I couldn't take her along. She's no longer in preschool, she's in proper, serious school now and I can't just randomly take off with her. But I had to go. It was my cousin's wedding in India -- one that I absolutely needed to attend. He lives with my parents now and is actually like my own brother really. There was no way I'd miss his wedding.

So I briefed father and daughter to the best of my abilities and took off. My mom-in-law offered to come and help Viv and Xena out in my absence, but I requested her not to 'come to the rescue' so quickly. Viv and I split Xena-related duties equally and just as I manage to do it all when he's travelling, I was confident he'd do the same. Just that the system had never been tested. Though Viv is perfectly capable of taking care of Xena by himself, there had never been a time when I was not in the picture. I needed all three of us to go through this experience without external assistance and see how we fare. Me without her, and them without me. It was important that we knew how to do this.

Viv and Xena did absolutely great, but it was a rather strange experience for me. Liberating, yes, but also very strange. Not so much because I was flying by myself but because I was flying without her. In fact, I kept forgetting that she wasn't with me!

Here are some random thoughts and snippets from the trip.

***

Me (thinking to myself while waiting at the boarding gate) - OMG where is my other carry-on luggage??? I had two, didn't I? Did I forget one somewhere??
Me (1 second later) - Oh wait, I'm thinking of Xena...

***

Me (while boarding) - OMG, a flight without Xena! I can watch all sorts of stuff on the inflight entertainment!
Me (1 second later) - Oh wait, I'm flying AirAsia, not Singapore Airlines...

***

Me (in the flight in the middle of the night) - I need to pee, but how?? I can't wake her up to take her along and I can't leave her sleeping next to a stranger and go!
Me (1 second later) - Oh wait.
Me (in toilet) - OMG I can pee in the airplane toilet without company! Anytime I want! Wooohooo!

***

Old uncle at transit - Beta, can you help me connect to the WiFi?
Me (looking at him and his wife suspiciously, and thinking) - OMG this is what they do. They distract you with a question and then their partner-in-crime takes off with your luggage!
Me (clutching my handbag tightly) - *connects old uncle's and his wife's phones to the WiFi*
Uncle/Aunty - Thank you, beta.
Me (thinking) - OMG where's my other carry-on??? Did they flick it?? Oh wait, that's Xena I'm thinking of... again.

***

Relative 1 at wedding (judgy look) - You left Xena behind and came???
Me (proud look) - Yes.
Relative 1 - And she was ok?
Me (prouder look) - Yes.
Relative 1 - She won't miss you?
Me (proudest look) - I don't think so.
Me (thinking in panic) - OMG what if she doesn't miss me at all?

***

Relative 2 - Did she cry at the airport?
Me - Cry? No.
Relative 2 - Then what did she say?
Me - "Bye, Mommy. Daddy, let's go home now."
Relative 2 (looking shocked) - Wow...

***

Relative 3 - How will she manage??
Me - I didn't leave her behind all by herself. Viv is there.
Relative 3 - He can manage??
Me - Of course. He's the father.
Relative 3 - Wow...

***

5-year-old nephew - Where is Xenaaaa????
Me - Oh, she hasn't come... it's just me this time.
Nephew - Waaaaaaaa! Xena didn't come?? Waaaaaaa!
Nephew's mother - Oh dear, we didn't know she wasn't coming. He spent all morning cleaning his room and prepping the toys he was going to share with her.

***

Aunt - Come over for dinner tomorrow. I'll have all your favourite things ready. Pani puri? Mutton biryani? What else?
Me - Spicy pani puri and spicy mutton biryani sound YUM.
Aunt - Ok. What else would you like to eat?
Me - Nothing else, this is more than enough.
Me (thinking) - Oh but then what will Xena eat??
Me (1 second later) - Oh.

***

Me - What time is the wedding?
Mom - The muhurat is for 11 pm.
Me (thinking) - Oh nooo, I'll miss it then. I'll need to get Xena to bed and I can't leave her there.
Me (1 second later) - Oh wait.

***

Me (day before the wedding) - What time is the XYZ ceremony?
Mom - Around 3-4 pm.
Me (thinking) - Oh no, naptime clash.
Me (1 second later) - Oh wait.

***

Mom - Take this clutch along, it will match your sari.
Me (thinking) - No no, I don't like to carry a purse when I'm in a sari; it's easier to manage her if I have nothing in my hands.
Me (1 second later) - Oh wait.

***

Me (dancing in the baraat in the middle of the road at 10 pm) - OMG I'm dancing in the baraat in the middle of the road at 10 pm.

***

Me (taking 93248273427 photos with the bride and the groom and the 23847328947 cousins) - OMG where's my kid??

Me (1 second later) - Oh.

***

Me (in the middle of the wedding) - I wonder what Viv and Xena are up to.
Me (1 second later) - Hope they're having fun.
Me (1 second later) - Bet they're having fun.
Me (1 second later) - Wait. Hope they're not having too much fun without me!

***

Whatever said and done, it was nice to have Roby the robot carefully placed on my keyboard to welcome me back (Xena was at school when I got home from the airport). 

The back-up plan

Xena (pointing to a cube of flavoured cheese) - Mama, can I try this?

Me - Sure!

Xena - Is it nice?

Me - Well, there's one way to find out.

Xena - Ok, I will try it. But I will need adult supervision. (We use the term a lot because of all the cooking/baking and science experiments we do together.)

Me - Why adult supervision to eat a cheese cube?

Xena - So that if I don't like it, I can pass it to the adult to eat.