Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Party pooper

So SSSK has somehow snagged an invitation to the Jai Ho success party. Her eyes are darting sharply from person to person until she spots the Khan-daan. A depressed Salman is drinking in a corner. Sohail and Arbaaz are giving him company. Malaika is standing next to them, looking annoyed.

SSSK - Hi, everyone. I'm SSSK, reporter for the Akh-bar.
Everyone (down and low) - Hiiii....
SSSK - Oh dear, what happened??
Arbaaz - We're mourning the failure of Jai Ho.
SSSK - Failure?? But this is the movie's success party!
Salman (gulps down his drink) - Arre koi samjhaao isko. Success party dete hain toh movie successful hoti hai.
SSSK - I thought movie successful hoti hai toh success party dete hain.
Salman - Sigh. Kis zamaane ki movie reporter ho yaar?
SSSK - But the movie crossed the 100-crore mark. Why would you call it a failure?
Salman - Because, you dhakkan, it did not make 100 crores in the first week. A Salman Khan movie that does not make 100 crores in the first week is a BIG FAT FAILURE. Shah Rukh's Chennai Express was a big hit. Aamir's Dhoom 3 was a bigger hit. I thought I would be the winner of 'Khan banega crorepati'! *sniffles*
Sohail - Sorry, bhai. It's my fault. I should have stuck to the original title 'Mental.' 'Jai Ho' sounds too... Aamir Khan, nahin? All your movies that have single-word English titles are hits. Wanted, Ready, Bodyguard... 'Mental' would have been perfect. And it describes your movies perfectly.
Malaika (mutters under her breath) - Sigh... What a family my hubby has. One brother is senti, and the other is mental.
Arbaaz - Well, if you'd agreed to do another Munni number in Jai Ho, maybe it would have been a bigger hit!
Malaika - Achha?? Why me?? Go to Bebo na! Ask her to do another Fevicol number. Hmmmph!
Arbaaz - You're still mad about that??
Malaika - Hmmmmph!
Salman - Stop fighting, yaar. It's nobody's fault, just mine. I shouldn't have promoted it as a 'different' movie...
SSSK - That's true, Salman. No one wants to watch a 'different' Salman movie.
Salman - And you know what the biggest tragedy is?? It's not different! It is a typical Salman movie. *bangs head on table*
SSSK - It's ok, Salman. You still have lots of movies coming up...
Sohail - Actually the next one is called 'Kick'. Single-word English title! Yahooooo! Kick kick kick!
Salman (drunk and furious) - Come, let me give you one!

Sohail runs. On his heels is Salman. On his heels is Arbaaz. On his heels is Malaika.

SSSK walks around, and suddenly spots Katrina.
SSSK - Katrina! Hiiii!
Katrina - Errr... Hi... And you are?
SSSK - I'm SSSK. We've met before, remember? At the 'Firangiyon, Hindi Seekho' competition?
Katrina (proudly) - Oh yeah, I won that one.
SSSK - So how are things?
Katrina - Great. Doom was a big hit so... life's good.
SSSK (explodes) - Doom?? DOOM???? You won that competition, you've been in the Hindi film industry for more than a decade and you still can't pronounce "DHOOM"???
Katrina (gulps) - Uhhhhhh... Sorry... I know it's 'DOOM'. Better?
SSSK - Sigh... From Boom to Doom. Bollywood is doomed all right. How did they sign you when you can't even pronounce the name of the movie right??
Katrina (bursts into tears) - I begged them, okay?? I just wanted to get all three Khans on my resume before they... you know....
Uday Chopra walks over.
Uday - Katrina! any problem?
Katrina flees, sobbing. Uday looks at SSSK, puzzled.
SSSK - We were just talking about Dhoom 3.
Aditya Chopra and Rani Mukherjee walk over to defend their khandaan ka chirag.
SSSK - So Uday, is the Dhoom series all you do? Not getting any other offers, huh?
Uday - Uhh... Err... I'm getting tons of offers, okay? But I reject them all. I'm very focused, you see. I don't want to dilute the success of my Dhoom brand...
SSSK (bursts into hysterical laughter) - You think you stand for the success of the Dhoom brand??
Uday - Why, yes! Of course!
SSSK (to Rani Mukherji) - Didi... Tera devar deewana.

The Chopra clan leaves, seething.

SSSK spots Priyanka Chopra.
SSSK - Priyanka! How are you??
Priyanka - Who are you??
SSSK - Ummm... I'm SSSK, reporter for the Akh-bar. I have a few questions for you.
Priyanka - Errr okayyy...
SSSK - I listened to your album "I'm feeling so idiotic." It's nice.
Priyanka (coldly) - It's "I'm feeling so exotic."
SSSK - Oh yes yes, exotic! But I did want to ask you how "exotic" rhymes with "tropics".
Priyanka - ....
SSSK - I mean, I can think of so many words that would have rhymed better with "exotic".
Priyanka - Oh yeah?? Like??
SSSK - Neurotic, psychotic, idiotic, chaotic, robotic, narcotic, antibiotic...
Priyanka - Ok ok fine. Bas karo! Please.
SSSK - Ok, never mind. Let's talk about something else. What do you feel about your cousin sister Parineeti? Do you think she will surpass your success?
Priyanka bursts into tears. Karisma, who's standing nearby, nods her head sympathetically.
Karisma - I understand, Priyanka. Yeh chhoti behnen...
SSSK - Karisma! Just the person I was thinking of! What do you think of Virat Kohli?
Karisma - Virat Kohli?? Why??!!
SSSK - I think you should date him.
Karisma - *You* think I should date him?? Pray why??
SSSK - Then the circle of love will be complete.
Karisma - Circle of love?! Huh??
SSSK - See, the circle goes like this. Karisma has dated Abhishek who has dated Aishwarya who has dated Salman who has dated Katrina who has dated Ranbir who has dated Deepika who has dated Ranveer who has dated Anushka who has dated Virat Kohli. So if you date Virat Kohli, the circle would be complete!
Karisma (speechless for a moment) - Were you actually invited to this party??

SSSK storms off, deeply offended.


Gundz! said...

ROFL especially the "Circle of Love" [How did you manage that one?] and "Khan Banega Crorepati".

Very funny piece.

Yamini said...

hahahhaaa!! :D

AFter such a long time! Loved it!

Sri said...

Hahaha...how do you come up with such funny stuff!!

Didi tera devar deewana...awesome!

Arun said...

SSSK is in fine form!

Prathima said...

Welcoming SSSK back after a long time! Doom and the circle of love..superb!

Arun said...

Hehe, top gun reporter SSSK pulled off mission impossible and witnessed the wrath of Khan, was the nemesis of the Chopra clan, and made Kaif tremble over doom.

Sigh, this is what having to shovel snow off of 100 feet of driveway twice in a week (and once tomorrow) does to oneself.

Smitha said...

Lol :-)...found the article hilarious!

Ketaki... said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ketaki... said...

OMG!! You are funny.. I loved this one.. Couldn't stop laughing at my desk :D

rt said...

hilarious circle of love..