Monday, March 06, 2006

My work here is done.

My conversations with myself usually don't have a happy ending.

See this for instance. Or this.

They leave me confused, distressed, annoyed, etc. etc.

So you can imagine my state in the last two weeks where I have been constantly talking to myself, trying to make what could be potentially the biggest decision of my career.

Just when I thought my job woes got over for good in 2002.

What do you do when you're in the middle of the ocean, and suddenly the captain of your ship jumps over to a big white ship that just came out of nowhere? While the rest of you try to stabilise the rocking ship, the big white ship sends out a few lifeboats, and many others jump off your ship into the lifeboats, to be taken to the safety of the grand white ship. Your ship shakes and falters. There are too many panicky people at the wheel now, and your ship is even more unstable than before. And they have never steered the ship before. There are no other ships in sight that would rescue you if your ship sinks. And all the lifeboats sent by the big white ship have gone, taking with them the most valuable people you had on board.

What do you do? You are frustrated and confused and fearing for your life.

And suddenly, out of the blue, the big white ship sends a lone lifeboat out just for you. Only problem is - it won't stay and wait for you. It will pass by your ship, and you only get one chance to jump. If you don't, it will pass by, never to return.

Do you stay on your ship or do you take the lifeboat?

It made perfect sense to get into it. Careerwise, not just a step ahead, but a huge leap. Exposure - aplenty. Travel - boundless. Location - close to home and university. Working hours - sane. And of course, the money - I could really do with all that extra money for my Master's course.

It was the biggest dilemma I'd had till date.

Going crazy with my thoughts, I spoke to a few people I probably shouldn't have spoken to, to get their 'advice'. It's during times like these when you discover people who pretend to be your friends but are actually trying to play your mind. You realise that what is a huge dilemma for you is nothing more than gossip to them. Some even delight in the hellish torture of the decision-making process you're going through, when you question your own integrity, your ambitions, your sense of responsibility and a million other things. Lesson learnt - some things are best left to yourself or to someone who's really trustworthy.

But whatever happens, in spite of whatever advice comes to you, from friends, pseudo-friends, and foes, in the end you have to decide something that you know you will not regret. And that decision is only made after you go through the extremely distressing process of talking to yourself. Oh hearing the millions of contradicting statements that go through your mind.

"The company gave you a chance when you were in desperate need of a job. Wouldn't you give them a chance when they need experienced people like you to stick around?"

"It was not the company that gave you a chance. It was a person. The person who was your inspiration, and she has left. There is nothing more for you to learn here. You should leave too."

"But your career is not pegged to a person."

"Your career is not pegged to a company either."

"Didn't you always say you would leave when she left?"

"But you said that for your first two bosses too. They left, didn't they? But you pulled through. Because you love the job."

"You don't live in the days where you worked your whole life for one company."

"There is no such thing as company loyalty. There is only career loyalty. Be loyal to yourself."

"It's time to move on. It has been the time to move on, for some time now. And now is the best chance."

"Aren't you exhausted from editorial work? Take up the opportunity, do something different. It will be a nice break too."

"You're getting an unbelievable deal here. Do you even realise that this doesn't happen to people every day?"

"You'd always wanted to be head-hunted. You'd said, "That's the ultimate compliment to your competence. That someone out there wants you so bad. It must be so flattering to get head-hunted." Now that it's happened, you're upset?"

"But what about your magazine? But what about your other two crucial projects? Are you just going to abandon them?"

"Can you bear to pick up a copy of the magazine at a newstand and not see your name on it?"

"Idealism is passe."

"Would you be really happy doing this?"

"Ever thought about what your team is going to do without you?"

"You have a brilliant team, possibly the best in the company. You have trained them well. Your successor is 80% ready to take over your job."

"But what about the remaining 20%?"

"The environment in the office is so depressing compared to the old happy days."

"The new management is clueless! They don't know a thing about children's book publishing!"

"There is no vision, no big picture anymore. Everyone is merely trying to beat their arms and legs and stay afloat. No one's looking into the distance anymore!"

"Maybe this is when you have a huge opportunity to make a difference, help in the rebuilding process, look into the distance?"

"But there's only so much I can do. In a company as big as mine, I am but small fry."

"Even small fry can make a big difference."

"Don't stay out of pity for your company."

"They did not even counter-offer. Is that how much they value you?"

"You know why they could not counter-offer. They are restructuring themselves. They have bigger things to worry about. Do you really need to be told how much they value you?"

"The ship has not sunk yet! It's merely in the middle of a storm."

"But what if it sinks? Are you gonna look for cover only when you're struggling in the water?"

"But the new management is not convincing."

"Don't give up so fast. There are things you can still do."

"Stay for a few months at least. If you feel let down, leave then."

"The lifeboat will not be around then. What if you let this chance go, and the ship sinks later and you have nothing to hold on to?"

"Opportunity only knocks once. You're foolish if you let this go."

"The timing is just not right. In fact, it's all wrong. You can't go now. You know it."

"You know too much about the new projects. It's a bad time to move now and be grilled for information that will help the big white ship against your own projects."

"Can you really compete against books that you have conceptualised and developed yourself?"

"But you have the option of joining another department in the big white ship. You don't have to compete with your own book. That sounds fair!"

And thus went on and on, the debate that was driving me nuts. I felt sick. I fell sick. The more I thought, the crazier I felt I was going.

Till the weekend came. And with it, came the deadline when the lifeboat would pass by. I had only one chance.

Jump or stay.

It almost broke my heart, but I made my decision.

Even though I know I may wake up one fine day and realise to my horror that I just let the biggest thing that could have happen to me slip by, I will stand by my decision.

Because right now, this is what seems like the right thing to do.

I still love my job, and I believe in it. And I am ready to give us a chance. Us. My company and me. I do understand that this could be a mistake. A wrong move. No one knows. Maybe things will work out. Maybe they won't.

And what if they don't work out?


I do understand that a handful of us can't do a lot. But I will do what I can. In a few months, if the ship really does start to sink, I believe I am capable of swimming ashore, or finding other ships, even if the white ship does not send out another lifeboat my way.

In cases like these, there really is no 'right decision' or 'wrong decision'. There's only 'your decision'. I don't know how I arrived at my decision.
I know it wasn't idealism or morals that made me decide this. Perhaps it was the timing. Perhaps it was my gut feeling. Perhaps it was something else. Perhaps it was a combination of many factors. But whatever it was, I am very aware of it not turning out to be the best for me. And if (and when) that happens, I hope I will be able to turn the situation around. Without regretting this decision. Because even if this does not turn out to be the best decision for me, I know I will learn something from it.

In spite of heavy depression at the possibility that I may have messed up a big career step, I feel a strange sense of relief after making the decision. Suddenly, things are falling back into place. My mind is at peace.

It's time to get working. It's time to shoo away the depressing vibes in the office. It's time to try and change things. It's time to spread the sheer joy of publishing books for children. It's time to make my team the most fun and kickass team all over again.

It's time to put the 'pub' back in 'publishing'.
(And no, I don't mean turning up drunk at work!)


Anonymous said...

i am one of those that come by but usually dont comment on ur blog, but i thought i would today...
whatever decision u made, must the right one, as long as u believe it is, that is the only criteria :)
dont have a blog of my own, but dont want to be just another till later

BP said...


Anonymous said...

May the force be with you!

Sahil said...

well done. It's great that you've made your decision and will stick by it. You've weighed things out and you gotta do what your heart says. And if it says to do this, then so be it.

Abh khubh mann laga ke kaam karna, ok? Dubti hue naya ko bachana hai. And you gotta turn things around, become CEO, and eventually head hunt all the people who deserted YOUR company. Chaleyga?

Anonymous said...

You are the best judge under the circumstances nd am sure u'll b fine...

Its always preferable that the journey is as enjoyable as the destination. As for the big white ship....well I am sure there will be many more in the future, looking out for you..& who knows u cud make this one...a big white ship someday:-))

It would have been nice if the current management gave u some kind of equity stake in the co....a gesture of their appreciation for the decision u took!!

PS surely couldn't have been as difficult as choosing between guys or was it...;-)))

t said...

Know wot Sayesha-di? Even I went thru the same when I wanted to quit my first co. and join my 2nd. I went thru hell lot of thought process and put myself thru questions like,
- wud i like leaving a place which gave me my first exposure to the professional world?
- wud i want to quit the co. which picked me out of like 400 applicants, while i was still in my 3rd yr of engg?
- wud i want to quit my co. which introduced me to one of the greatest men I've come across in my life (my then-manager)?
- and lastly, wud i regret?

but unlike what you did, i quit anyway... and i am happy... but it was quite a bit of mind-haggle before i did it :)

and as always, you know what to write :)

ritzkini said...

All the best,babe !
inshallah,good decision..

Anonymous said...

You did the right thing. If they sent a lone boat your way then they know your value. Your brand value will increase by staying loyal to a sick company when you had the choice to abandon it. If things work for you then you will be rewarded for your loyalty if not then you can ask for the life boat and they will send it. Your ex boss who I believe is fond of you is in the white ship and you know whom to call if the worse comes to worse.

Isliye bindaas reh aur dimag ka bheja fry mat kar! Ek tequila shot bana mere liye! :p~~


Sriniketh S said...

Writing down ur thoughts does take some talent....u r good at it.
I went thro the same thing when I was offered a second job 15 days after I had joined my first one. I quit the job to join the new one. I categorised the pros and cons of each, wrote them down and arrived at a decision.

But at the end of day felt that I had actually taken the decision right at the beginning and the whole exercise was only to prove "the part in me wanting to stay back" that leaving is better :-)
I am sure if u just ponder over this thought, u will find that u had always wanted to stay back

Sayesha said...

//as long as u believe it is, that is the only criteria

That's so true. I was going crazy when I finally realised that there was no 'right decision' or 'wrong decision'. There was only 'my decision'.

Hehe... stop smiling, Missy, in the next coupla months, I'm gonna fill in the 20% and make you 100% ready to take over :)

Thanks! Really need the force! :)

//You've weighed things out and you gotta do what your heart says.

Yeah. :)

//And you gotta turn things around, become CEO, and eventually head hunt all the people who deserted YOUR company. Chaleyga?

Hahahahahahaha! Thanks for lifting my spirits, Sahil. You can be a funny guy at times! :D

#Well wisher,
Thanks, dear! I hope I will be fine. :)

//a gesture of their appreciation for the decision u took!!

Naah, am not expecting anything of that sort... they're too busy fire-fighting. I will just try and do what I can.

//surely couldn't have been as difficult as choosing between guys or was it...

Haha! Hmmm... now that's a thought! ;)

As I always say, if you're happy, then it's all worth it :)

Thanks, dear. Am still a bit shaky about my decision, hopefully it will turn out all right. :)

Thanks yaar... tuney apne pehle paragraph mein bilkul mere dil ki baatein keh di hai :)

Lekin second paragraph mein sab chaupat kar diya! Piyakkad kahin ka! :D

You're absolutely right. That's exactly my story too, including the list bit :)

Siddhu said...

It feels so much better after you've made your decision, right?:) It's particularly better when you know its done for now, and u dont have to worry about an alternative.

I can seriously understand cuz these were just bout the same things I was thinking when I was contemplating leaving Singapore for Europe.

And once I did so and landed in Europe, all I felt was an overwhelming sense of relief that - one way or the other - my decision was made! :D Guess that's exactly what you're feeling right now.:)

Aslam said...

I wouldn't have let my morals(whatever is left of them) stand in the way and I'd taken the easy way out i.e. the lifeboat, unless of course the white ship had the letters TITANIC inscribed on it. So basically, following in the captain's footsteps and being pretty gutless.

All credit to you for not deserting the ship. But time will tell if it was the right decision.

Sayesha said...

You're so right. The feeling of having taken the decision is so relieving! :)

Hey, you're still around! I thought you abandoned my blog and jumped into a big white ship! :)

//I wouldn't have let my morals(whatever is left of them) stand in the way

Nahin yaar, it's not about morals. It was just about giving my new ship and new captain a chance before I start thinking solely about myself. There is a very high possibility that I will start looking for white ships and lifeboats a few months down the road... errr... I mean... ocean. But I needed to buy this time to train up my team to survive without me, and to see if the new captains are really as clueless as they seem at present :)

Well, if they can't steer, and won't let me steer, I am out. :)

Sayesha said...


Almost forgot this bit! :P

//But time will tell if it was the right decision.

As I mentioned before, I believe that in such situations, there is no 'right decision' or 'wrong decision'. It's all about 'your decision'. Looking back and regretting is not something I like to induge in. :) Even if I realise later that I shouldn't have done this, I will not dismiss it as 'the wrong decision'. I will just 'take a new decision' then. :)

Anonymous said...

//Piyakkad kahin ka!

Tere bar mein piyunga nahin to kya kulfi khaunga? :/


Anonymous said...

Hey kiddo, follow your heart and you'll be just fine.

Don't worry about big white ship not offering you a job in the future, out of spite because you 'rejected' them once long ago. Wimmen might pull that kind of stunt, not logcal companies :P

Lastly don't bother asking anyone-especially friends - what to do? In these situations your initial gut instinct is always right while simultaneously being very vulnerable to suggestion.


Anonymous said...

#Lesson learnt - some things are best left to yourself or to someone who's really trustworthy.

Good lesson. Tough to learn, tougher to accept (that ppl u thought trustworthy can actually turn out to be otherwise) and most easy to forget/overlook. Never forget this lesson. Learning it the second time is even more painful. Experience.

As for the decision, I'd recommend the little story "Who Moved My Cheese". Good to keep the running shoes around. U'd never know when you would need it. :)

Shobana said...

good luck sayesha:) good that you followed ur heart and no matter what decision u take ur talent will get u places:) as long as u believe in urself thr is nothing to worry:)
these decisions are really tough...taking advice is the most useless thing to do it all the more confuses you.. its just that u feel u have heard wht others have to say.. its ultimately ur decision and no matter wht anyone says u r gonna do wht u think is right:)

Anonymous said...

>>people who pretend to be your friends but are actually trying to play your mind.

I am fearful of meeting such people. Have come across them. People who pry things out of us, pretend to be oh-so-concerned and use that as fodder for gossip with others.
But unless we take little risks, we will not know what people are really made of too.

And I agree somethings are better kept to ourselves. Can another person completely understand our struggle? I guess not. They can try but still...that divide will remain. What a friend can help with is perhaps, help us talk about it more, or give us options we might have missed thinking about...or just brainstorm with us.

Anyways, Sash, it sure must have been tough...going through that dilemma. I am glad that you arrived at a decision that you felt was right at this time. It's scary to think that opportunities might never come again, but I feel they are everywhere. Look, and you will see. Maybe you will come across an even better one. You are a talented, hardworking person getting great experience and believe me, there will be newer horizons waiting for you in the future Sash.

Take this as a challenge, and do your best. I see the passion in you. That matters a lot.

Thanu said...

Good luck with ur decision and hope that u bring the sinking ship afloat

Anonymous said...

And Sash, any decision you make will have its different colors n textures and ups n downs. A different set of challenges anywhere you go...

Ah, decision making time is Toughhh! :-) A libran like me knows that, hahaa :-) They say we are quite indecisive :-)). I start weighing all the pros n cons too, and totally tire myself out. But the path becomes so much clearer when it comes from the heart. I do believe in certain rights and wrongs, but that concept can sometimes put unnecessary pressure on us and stop us from being true to ourselves.

Aj said...

Yaar there will always be people in favour of both sides

I wont say you made a right decision or a wrong one!

But I would say the best judge lies within.. Do what your heart wants you to do. Real satisfaction is in that only.

Leave a job when you feel you are not growing there. Money and opportunities may come later also.

Life is after all a risk a big risk business at every moment :)
Those who play for win. Win it.

Suds said...

Hey Sayesha, I have gone through exact same stuff long back. It was in year 2000. I had a offer from one of the biggest companies in Software IBM and my boss from my previous company was planing to start a company( He asked me to join him and help him setup the whole operation in US. It was tough. But then I spoke to my very close friend N. She is just great. She told me one thing

"Decision is not which job u want to take, Deicision is whether u want to be small part of big entity or big part of small one. One job gives u an opportunity to learn, teach and grow with the small company. I am confident you will get a job if ur small company closes down also. So don't worry abt that."

I never regretted my decision. Maybe life would have been different. But life is what u make of it. So remember the decisions u make in given circumstances are always correct. So don't worry everything will be fine. Just work ur heart out. Change things that u don't like. When there is total confusion in ur company, look at it as an opportunity not as a disadvantage. Make it successful.:)


Anonymous said...

Hey Sayesha:
Some thoughts...i'm writing them here cause its better than not saying anything :D

In my limited opinion, most right or wrong strategies are emergent. You go with what you feel is right given your limited resources and then work hard to make your decision turn out right.


-- Yash

Anonymous said...

Hey forgot to mention something else... just beware of the "escalation of commitment" syndrome.

-- Yash

The Girl Who Sold The World said...

Yeah, that's what I went through a few months ago! Not regarding job, obviously...but deciding whether I should try for engineering or not...and I chose not to! YAY!
It's during times like these when you discover people who pretend to be your friends but are actually trying to play your mind.
EXACTLY! That's how I felt like at that time!
AND, till now, I think my decision was right. :D
I guess perhaps you'll soon come to know if yours was right or wrong...though, maybe it was all fine since you actually want to work in this company, right? What's the point in doing something which you won't enjoy? That's one of the main reason behind my decision too. =)
Enough of serious already exhausted brains will perhaps die. And yeah, me back here again because there was free time.
Now, serve me today's special "above 18 only" drink at Sayeshaz. :P Muahahahaha.

Vikram said...

Gosh, that is some thought process. For me it's simple - deal or no deal. hehe..:P

But on a serious note, don't decide on something thinking you shouldn't regret it. That's not in your hands. Just weigh out everything and see what's best for you. I'm guessing this peice of advice may appear superfluous to you by now. :)

Sayesha said...

Kufi?? YIKES. I dun sell no yucky things in de bar! :/ Theek hai theek hai, yeh le tera drink aur chup chaap se ek koney mein baith ja. :D

Thanks yaar! :)

//Don't worry about big white ship not offering you a job in the future, out of spite because you 'rejected' them once long ago. Wimmen might pull that kind of stunt, not logcal companies

Hahahaha! Dunno about the wimmen part, but I do hope you're right about the ship part! :P

Hey, welcome to Sayeshaz. Thanks for your comment. :) And yeah, I've read the book :)

Right you are! Thanks! :)

//People who pry things out of us, pretend to be oh-so-concerned and use that as fodder for gossip with others.

Gosh, that was SO what it was! :O

Yeah, it was a very tough decision, and there was no way to be sure that it was the best thing for me, lekin I had to do it. That seemed more 'right' than the other option. Ab dekhte hain! :)

It's not in my hands to bring it afloat, but I will do whatever I can to help the guy at the wheel :)

This Arien totally agrees with the Libran! ;)

//I wont say you made a right decision or a wrong one! But I would say the best judge lies within.. Do what your heart wants you to do. Real satisfaction is in that only.

My thoughts exactly. Thanks, yaar! :)

I'm so happy it worked out for you. Whatever decision we make, as long as we learn something from it, I guess there is real right or wrong, hai na? :)

//You go with what you feel is right given your limited resources and then work hard to make your decision turn out right.

Yes, I agree. And you also leave the option open of turning around without regretting what you'd decided first. :)

//just beware of the "escalation of commitment" syndrome

Yup yup, that's what's freaking me out. In this day and age, it's not quite the thing to do :)

#The Girl,
Arre phir se waapas? Balti bhar bhar ke pee rahi hai aaj?? :O

ps: Good that you're proud of your decision! :) Ab ja padhai kar! :D

//For me it's simple - deal or no deal.

Arre yaar, wish it was that simple re... teri Sash pagal ho gayi soch soch ke! :(

//don't decide on something thinking you shouldn't regret it.

Like I said before, I rarely regret things I do. There's just no point, even if this decision was 'the wrong one' in that sense, I will move on without regretting making this decision. Because I know every decision I take will teach me something, so there is nothing to regret really. :)

Anonymous said...

As they say, there's no point considering 'what-if's in life. You can only take one route. You've chosen yours and you're happy with that. That's it then :) Tomorrow, you'll encounter another fork in the road ahead... The fun is in the journey and not the destination (definitely not if you consider end-of-life as the destination :P)

Of course, don't forget the lessons you learnt along the way.

Suds said...

Sayesha, I agree. Also as I said I always believe every decision I take is right. Because in those circumstances that was the best I could do...:) so don't worry and take it easy...:)

Ravi said...

In all sincerity, I don't know whether it was the most benefecial decision in monetary &/or market value terms or not. But as long as you don't regret it, as long as your heart stands by your decision, as long as you want to put the 'pub' back in publishing, it damn well is the right decision.

I realise that we give way too much importance to decision making. If the decision is not easy or forthcoming, the choices are anyway not far apart. It means risk or benefit by choosing any one path will not be too high. So why worry?

All the best!!

Anonymous said...

//Lesson learnt - some things are best left to yourself or to someone who's really trustworthy.

Very valuable lesson indeed...Most times, people don't understand what you're really going through...

//In cases like these, there really is no 'right decision' or 'wrong decision'. There's only 'your decision'.

Kudos to that!! Exactly!! Right or wrong, you made the decision and you'll stand by it no matter what the outcome may be...Yes, the relief after making the decision one way or the other is such a burden off the heart...

Quit fretting, continue your job as you've always done and time will give you the answer...

Go girl, put the "pub" right back into "publishing"...Good luck!!

Raj said...

I never repent doing anything cos I believe that one does what seems best at that moment. It may turn out to be wrong later but so what.\n\nSo whatever decision you have made is the right decision.\n\nAnyhow, good luck. I hope things go well!! :)

Vinesh said...

end of the day.. bottom line..
next morning if u wake up wanting to go to office...
just go..

R said...

hmm...well ,
a) though it is not about morals for u the fact remains that u did not just abandon ur team.
b)You never know how things will turn out.Something that looks ultra gud rigt now mite seem usless later.Hence you really dun know wat u have lost out on by letting go of that offer.In retrospect this cud be the wisest carrer decision.:)

c) you have made an important decision, hence you need positivez coming your way..
You will do good!

Ram said...


I came across your post doing some random skipping [six degrees of separation is all that is between us anyway], and just wanted to send you my wishes for a bright and fulfilling career - wherever you might be.

As you say, there is no right or wrong decision. There never is, otherwise there would be nothing to think about. At the end of the day, its how you feel. If you had to think about whether you should accept an offer with a bigger company that is paying you more and providing you with every other benefit, then that tells me you had issues with it anyway. So its all good.

Instead of wishing you a "stable" and "rewarding" career in your "teeny small boat", or wishing that your boat overtakes the big steamer - I wish that you face more such choices in the future, with the caveat that you have the strength and the confidence to come out tops every time!

Too senti, but its late and I was reading some old poems on the web and complaining about my lonely life! Sorry!

Take care,

rachana said...

Sayesha the blogger is a tough fighter..recently she defeated Sayesha the person and was back on blogs..then she leveled a attitude fight with some one..Win or lose, to give a fight is important.. Best luck!!

Chints said...

right decision sash!

always go by your gut feeling. As far as my experience with the life goes, gut feelings have always proved right for me.

R said...

The Girl
We've talked about this, right! I did the same.. It feels great!

Sayesha.. Bravo! I'm sure you're all set. All the best! Hit it!

Sayesha said...

Aye aye, captain! :)

Yup that's the plan. Thanks! :)

Actually in my case, the choices are really far apart, which is why the decision was even tougher :)

Thanks! :)

My thoughts exactly :)

//next morning if u wake up wanting to go to office

Haha! I have to wake up at 6 every day! What do you think? ;)

Thanks! :)

Welcome to Sayeshaz! I was gonna say 'Hi, Ram!' when I realised it doesn't quite sound right. :D

Thanks for your wise words and wishes :)

Well said, girl! It's the fight that matters! :)

Thanks! :)

Thanks! :)
ps: Naya photu-shotu? ;)

Jina said...

I totally understand what u feel..I almost felt like Im reading my mind when i read this post..coz this is exactly wat Im goin thru...:)..kudos dear..

Shekhar said...

Hey Sayesha, my late two-penny bit.

I don't wanna say anything about your decision at all, whether it is right or wrong. All I wanted to tell you was that when I read through this post, I actually stood up from my chair and gave you a small applause for your courage, lady. I firmly believe you deserved it.

//In cases like these, there really is no 'right decision' or 'wrong decision'. There's only 'your decision'.

Very true.

Kusum Rohra said...

Hey sayesha, heres hoping that 'your decision' does prove out to be the 'right decision' :)

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