Repeat telecast - the sequel

And this is what happens when you play too much 'Akhoo!' with your baby.

Repeat telecast

I was fortunate enough to capture something very cool on video. Viv was talking to Xena and he kept saying 'Aakhoo!' in a false, high-pitched voice. Turn up the volume to hear her response. :)

Biker chick

Bewdas who have been here for a while may remember the series of photo posts (here and here) I had done for my niece baby Aish. Well, Aish is now a young lady of five who would take offence at such posts. It is therefore no wonder that baby Xena has now stepped into those tiny shoes.

The 10-step guide to becoming a biker chick baby

by Xena the gundi warrior princess

The warrior princess diaries - I

Some of you have asked me how baby Xena has been doing so I thought I'd update with a post every now and then.

• Xena has now reached the regular newborn baby weight. Thanks to the supplements she is taking, she looks healthy and chubby, and has started fitting into newborn clothes. She is on six different medicines/supplements at the moment.
  
  
• We have gone back to the hospital about four times since she came home, for her follow-ups. At the last visit, she met her neonatologist, physiotherapist and dietitian. Wow, check out the entourage. Sounds like she's some millionaire heiress eh? They were mostly happy with her progress, though there are still many more follow-up visits to come. She has her brain and spine scans scheduled in a month's time, and hopefully all will go well.
  
  
• She has recently started very sincere attempts to eat her right hand. Strangely, her physiotherapist was elated to see that. When I asked her why, she said that premature babies have trouble bringing their extremeties to the midline of their bodies. So the fact that Xena can bring her hand to her mouth is a good sign. So if you see a crazy mother telling her baby, "OK enough of the right hand, baby, now try to eat the left hand." that would be me.
  
  
• The trust issues she had as a premature baby who spent two months in the ICU are slowly resolving themselves. She is less startled when we touch her, and readily rests her head on our chests. She has also stopped sleeping with both her hands stretched out smack in front of her face (a defense mechanism in premature babies). Sometimes she does sleep in the Manoj Kumar pose though.
  
  
• Contrary to what they were saying when she was in the hospital, EVERYONE now says that she looks EXACTLY like Viv. She even has his characteristics, such as an unhealthy obsession with tomatoes. (We placed a fake one in front of her and you should have seen how excited she got.) Now I try to look for the tiniest of things she got from me. So far, I have got 1) chin, and 2) rate of growth of fingernails.
  
  
• It is hilarious when Viv turns her feeding bib around so it becomes a cape, and makes her 'fly' through the air. She does look like a miniature Superman then. He also likes to move her legs so it looks like she is running very fast, and then says, "This is Flash Gordon in slow motion."
  
  
• When Xena drinks milk, she likes to do a rowing action with her right hand. Viv calls it her 'right arm fast - delivery stride', whatever the heck that means.
  
  
• She loves her bathtime and has clearly indicated that she prefers her bathtub to her crib. I can't wait for the day she goes swimming with her mommy.
  
  
• She has started to make some sounds other than crying. Her first word was 'Agoo'. My friend Reghu thinks she was caling him. I actually agree. Her second word was 'Igoo' and her third was 'jing', which reminded me of the saying 'Duniya ka har teesra bacha Chinese hota hai.' Yesterday, she said her fourth word - 'hoey'. I think she was calling her Uncle Joey in Spanish.
  
  
• She really likes to look at the ceiling and walls for some reason. We may thrust our faces in front of her all day, but she will find a way to squirm and look past (our ugly mugs?) and gaze at the ceiling and walls. I think she will grow up to become an artist and is currently surveying her canvas?
  
  
• So far, she has only stepped out of the house to go to the hospital and the ICA. Recently, we took her for a short walk downstairs. While we were busy pointing out the trees, plants, flowers and butterflies to her, she was looking at - you guessed it - the sky!
  
  
• I believe she will never forgive Viv and me for the photo on her passport. She looks like a fat, unhappy boy in it.
  
  
• Her paternal grandmother (paati in tamil) is visiting us now. I crack some really bad jokes on that. For example, 'Xena is the life of the paati'. When I put Xena in mom-in-law's arms, I tell her that it's now 'paati time', and she is entering the 'paati zone'. Once, Xena and I were walking around looking for her and we couldn't find her. I started singing, "Where's the paati tonight?" I pity Xena for the jokes she is forced to listen to, both from her papa and mama.
  
  
• And finally, a picture (didn't think the bewdas would let me get away without one). Zillion thanks to Shub for taking this picture with her big fancy camera last night!
  

Out of the picture

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) gets a call from an association called 'Hindi Chalchitra Hindi Kalakar' -- a bunch of folks protesting the presence of 'phoren' actresses in Hindi movies. They have approached the powers that be and got permission to have these actresses go through a Hindi test, and only those who pass it would be allowed to work in Hindi movies. They selected SSSK to administer the test because they wanted, in their own words, "someone cheap and jobless". Ahem. The invites have already been sent out to affected actresses, and the date, time and venue have been fixed. SSSK quickly gets to creating the test questions.

On the day of the test, SSSK is stationed at the registration table when the folks from the association arrive. They collectively frown at the large banner that SSSK has put up. The banner says:

HINDI QUALIFYING TEST FOR HINDI MOVIES
PROUDLY BROUGHT TO YOU BY
THE HITCH-HIKER'S ASS

So they ask SSSK, "What on earth is that? What is hitch-hiker's ass??"

"Oh, I wanted to put something which the actresses would understand," says SSSK. "'Hindi Chalchitra Hindi Kalakar' kind of shortens to 'Hitch-hiker'. Besides, it is symbolic, isn't it?"

"Symbolic?" They ask.

"Oh yes! Since these actresses are kind of hitch-hikers who have hitched a ride on the Bollywood bus, it just makes sense, no?"

"Hmm... But what about the ASS?? What's that??" They ask.

"Oh I wanted to put 'association' but I ran out of space so I had to stop at 'ass'. And... this is symbolic too!" She says proudly.

"The ass is symbolic??"

"Oh yes. These people can't speak Hindi but act in Hindi movies. They only made it to our movies because of their good-looking asses, no?"

Various forms and stages of amusement, awe, confusion and disgust appear on their faces. Nevertheless, they walk in and take their seats.

A pretty actress walks up to the registration table.

SSSK (taking out her notepad and pencil) - Name, please.

Pretty actress - Jacqueline.

SSSK - Hold on, let me write that down. D-R-Y-C-L-E-A-N.

Jacqueline - Dryclean?? Excuse me, I am not Dryclean. I am Jacqueline. Jacqueline Fernandez. Former Miss Sri Lanka. I am in the new Murder movie.

SSSK - Ah ok. Sorry sorry. Please take your seat.

Another pretty actress walks in.

Giselle - Hi, I am Giselle.

SSSK (writes down laboriously) - G-CELL. Hehe! Your name sounds like a battery, no?

Giselle (gives SSSK a dirty look and proceeds to her seat) - It's Giselle. Giselle Monteiro.

SSSK - Next!

Barbara - Hi, I am Barbara. Barbara Mori.

SSSK - Heh heh! Barbara Mori, main nahin maakhan khayo...

Barbara - Excuse me?!

SSSK - If you knew Hindi, you'd get the joke. Sigh...

Barbara takes her seat just as Katrina Kaif walks in, looking furious.

Katrina - Why am I here??? Why do I have to take the test? I have worrrked in so many Hindi movies!!

SSSK - Memorising the dialogues is a different thing, Katrina. This test is for your knowledge of Hindi.

Katrina - Oh please. Mera Hindi achi hai. Mujey yahin test kar lo?

SSSK - Ok fine. Katrina, tum shuddh Hindi mein ek vaakya ka nirman karo.

Katrina (aghast) - Wha... What shuddh... Vaakya... Nirma... You mean the deterrrgent powderrr?

SSSK - I rest my case. Please take your seat.

Katrina takes her seat, fuming.

The test begins.

SSSK - This is a buzzer round. I will name some Hindi movies and you have to tell me what the name means. Whoever presses the buzzer first will get to answer first. Twenty points for the correct answer, minus ten for the wrong answer.

The actresses exchange puzzled looks with one another.

Barbara - Buzzer? Where's the buzzer? All we have in front of us are steel plates and spoons...

SSSK - Ah yes, that is the buzzer. Our budget is a little low, you see...

The actresses roll their eyes but quickly pick up the plates and spoons.

SSSK - Hmm... so the first move name is 'Nagin'. If you know its meaning, press the buzzer NOW.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - I know! I know!

Other actresses look at her jealously.

SSSK - Very well, Jacqueline. What does 'nagin' mean?

Jacqueline (confidently) - It means "Don't count." Correct??

SSSK (makes a face) - Minus ten.

Jacqueline (indignantly) - But... but... Na gin... Don't count...

SSSK - Next word - Aatish.

Barbara (clangs plate) - Ummm... I know this one!

SSSK - Excellent. So what does Aatish mean?

Barbara (confidently) - An incomplete sneeze!

SSSK (rolls her eyes) - Minus ten. Next word - Parampara.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one. It's the sound made by a trumpet!

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Rajnigandha.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Uhhh... It is when superstar Rajnikanth forgets to bathe...?

Some of the association folks look horrified.

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Khandaan.

Katrina (clangs plate) - Of course I know this one. It's what Salman donated to the Being Human foundation. Khan daan.

SSSK - Sigh... Minus ten. Next word - Baghban.

Giselle (clangs plate) - Ummm... When you are disallowed entry into a garden 'cos you plucked the flowers?

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Banaras.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Easy-peasy. It means "Make juice."

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Bemisal.

Barbara (clangs plate) - Countries that signed the nuclear non-proliferation treaty?

SSSK - What?! Oh! Be-missile... Hmmm... creative, but still minus ten. Next word - Dastak.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one! My Hindi teacher says "Dastak gino" all the time. Dastak means 'until ten'!!!

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Hawalaat.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one! I was trained in Brazillian kickboxing. It means kickboxing. Hawa laat.

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Naraaz.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Ha! I know this one! I am starring in Raaz 3 you see. Naraaz means 'no secrets'.

SSSK - Sigh. Mere Bollywood ka kya hoga... Last word - Qurbani.

Katrina (clangs plate) - I know this! I go for it all the time, especially before the release of some of my movies.

SSSK - WHAT??!!

Katrina - Yup, at the gurrrudwarrra.

SSSK - Qurbani at the gurudwara????!!!!!!

Katrina - Yeah. It's soothing, isn't it?

SSSK (almost falls off her chair and then has a sudden realisation) - OH!!!! You mean gurbani. PHEW!!!! AND... MINUS TEN!!!

Katrina - But I answerrred corrrectly... Didn't I?

SSSK (ignores her) - Okay, it's the end of the quiz. And all of you have flunked it. Hopeless. HOPELESS!! I want to disqualify all of you but I have been asked to pass at least one. Just so the Hindi Movies Dubbing Association (also known as DubAss) won't lynch me for taking away their jobs. I'll give you one last chance. Each of you write down the names of 5 hindi movies and remember to spell them correctly. The one who scores the most will pass.

Barbara, Jacqueline and Giselle whisper amongst themselves. "Not fair... Katrina has been around for so long... we are newbies..."

SSSK (eavesdrops) - Remember, the spelling is key. You have to spell it exactly the way it is spelt in the movie.

SSSK tears a sheet off her notepad for each actress. She clangs a plate and they get busy writing. SSSK walks around, invigilating. The actresses are nervously trying to remember the names of the movies mentioned in the buzzer round. Jacqueline has written one word 'Nagin'. Giselle is trying hard to spell 'Parampara'. Barbara has written 'Be-missile'.

At the end of the test, SSSK collects the 'test papers' and quickly marks them. Katrina Kaif is announced the winner. Apparently she has aced the test. Katrina punches the air and leaves the room. The association folks and SSSK also leave.

The other actresses gather to discuss. "How did she ace the test?? Even if she managed to think of 5 Hindi movies, how did she get the spelling right???? With all the numerology stuff, it's not easy to spell the names of Hindi movies anymore!"

Suddenly they spot the test papers still lying on SSSK's desk. They make a mad dash for Katrina's sheet and find the following written on it:

Race
Welcome
Blue
New York
Partner

True colours

I dress Xena in blue as much as pink (and whatever other colours I can find in her size.). We were at the ICA today and she was in a blue top, with a white and blue swaddle. A lady, who had been looking at her for a while, turned to me and said, "Oh, what a handsome boy! "

"Thank you," I said. "It's a girl though."

"Oh!" She said, "What a pretty girl!"

Rhyme and reason

Xena has finally finished her homework given by Mom-Bhai -- that of writing down ten nursery rhymes. Here they are:

Twinkle twinkle little star
I have entered mommy's bar
I will charge hafta so high
Her bewdas will cry and cry!

Baa baa new bewda
Have you any hafta?
The bar now has cover charge
which I will take rafta rafta!

Baby Xena
Yes Papa!
Charging hafta?
No Papa!
Open your fist, what are you hiding?
*Opens fist* Ka-ching ka-ching!

Pussy cat pussy cat
Where have you been?
I have been to the bar
And then an ATM machine.
Pussy cat pussy cat
What did you do there?
I paid hafta at gunpoint
If you're going there, beware!

Little Miss Xena
Was having her dinner
Of spicy pani puri
Along came a bewda
And eyed her dinner, aha
So she crushed him in fury.

Little Bo Peep
Has lost all sleep
'Cos Xena took all her sheep
As the hafta was too steep.

Humpty Dumpty sat on Xena's wall
No wonder they got into a brawl
All of mommy's bewdas
And all of mommy's bouncers
Couldn't put Humpty together at all.

Hickory Dickory Dock
A punch, a kick, a sock
Xena struck only one
And that too in fun
But all of the gundas ran away in shock.

I hear thunder
A bigtime gunda
Oh do you, oh do you?
Dhishoom dhishoom punches
Dhishoom dhishoom punches
'Cos she knows kung-fu.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To meet the Bhai's daughter
Both fell down
And left the town
After watching the scene of slaughter.

For cryin' out loud

Xena has been home for about 3 weeks and I believe I have deciphered most of her cries. Here's what I think they mean.

1. I'm hungry!
2. I'm hungry! Again!
3. I'm hungry! Again! (Don't give me that incredulous look. I'm a baby, what do you expect?)
4. I'm sleepy.
5. I need a diaper change. Not that I have done anything, but I would like it changed, thank you.
6. I miss my papa, is he working late today?
7. I don't care if it's 3 am. I want to be held.
8. I'm bored. (Of course we newborns get bored!)
9. I just sneezed/coughed/farted/peed/pooped/burped/puked so I need to cry.
10. I can't believe you left the room; I was only pretending to sleep!
11. Are you guys laughing at me?!
12. Please change the playlist. I can't take it anymore.
13. Please stop singing, mommy.
14. You, papa, should never sing. Ever. You don't even know the lyrics to nursery rhymes!!
15. Please don't address me by that ridiculous nickname. How will I show my face to my baby friends??
16. Why is everyone around me sleeping?
17. Please don't make me wear this. Contrary to what you think, it is not cute.
18. No camera, please.
19. Hello??!!! A phone camera is also a camera!!
20. Please don't touch my hair, you're messing up my 'do.
21.The swaddle is either too loose or too tight, I don't know which one it is.
22. Take off the swaddle, I want to sleep without it!
23. You put me to nap without a swaddle?! Of course I'll wake up in 30 seconds and cry!
24. I am a very busy person and I just had a long, tiring day.
25. I started crying and I don't quite remember why, but I am a girl of principle and hence I shall continue crying.

Got milk?

So we went to the hospital yesterday for Xena's surgery follow-up. After we had seen the surgeon, we dropped by the special care nursery to pick up the last batch of frozen breast milk (some 20 bottles) that we had delivered while Xena was there and that she had not consumed. From there, we went to the ICA to sort out Xena's immigration status (yep, she is still considered a social visitor until she gets a passport/IC).

Viv was in the queue and I was sitting in the waiting area when Xena started crying. I had got a bottle of milk for her, but I was finding it a bit hard to open the milk bag while holding her. Seeing my predicament, a lady who was just leaving, offered to open the bag and take out the bottle. She opened it, handed me the bottle, and left. But not before giving the strangest look, first to me, and then to Xena. Oh well, I thought, she is really tiny, and sometimes people do give us strange looks.

It was only when I was putting the bottle back that I realised what had happened.

She has seen the 20 bottles of milk at the bottom of the bag.

Somewhere, a lady is probably blogging about the strange woman she met at the ICA who seriously overestimates her tiny baby's appetite.

:|

Spot the difference

So Viv had to go to the US for a week on work and returned last night. I asked him if he noticed anything new/different about Xena. Since I stare at her face for 23 hours and 30 minutes a day, it's hard for me to tell if she now has fuller cheeks or more defined features, etc. etc. I figured that he had not seen her for a week so he would be able to spot any differences.

"So? Anything new?" I asked.

He stared at her face for a few seconds and then said jubilantly, "She has eyebrows!!!!!!"