Thursday, June 30, 2011

Out of the picture

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) gets a call from an association called 'Hindi Chalchitra Hindi Kalakar' -- a bunch of folks protesting the presence of 'phoren' actresses in Hindi movies. They have approached the powers that be and got permission to have these actresses go through a Hindi test, and only those who pass it would be allowed to work in Hindi movies. They selected SSSK to administer the test because they wanted, in their own words, "someone cheap and jobless". Ahem. The invites have already been sent out to affected actresses, and the date, time and venue have been fixed. SSSK quickly gets to creating the test questions.

On the day of the test, SSSK is stationed at the registration table when the folks from the association arrive. They collectively frown at the large banner that SSSK has put up. The banner says:


So they ask SSSK, "What on earth is that? What is hitch-hiker's ass??"

"Oh, I wanted to put something which the actresses would understand," says SSSK. "'Hindi Chalchitra Hindi Kalakar' kind of shortens to 'Hitch-hiker'. Besides, it is symbolic, isn't it?"

"Symbolic?" They ask.

"Oh yes! Since these actresses are kind of hitch-hikers who have hitched a ride on the Bollywood bus, it just makes sense, no?"

"Hmm... But what about the ASS?? What's that??" They ask.

"Oh I wanted to put 'association' but I ran out of space so I had to stop at 'ass'. And... this is symbolic too!" She says proudly.

"The ass is symbolic??"

"Oh yes. These people can't speak Hindi but act in Hindi movies. They only made it to our movies because of their good-looking asses, no?"

Various forms and stages of amusement, awe, confusion and disgust appear on their faces. Nevertheless, they walk in and take their seats.

A pretty actress walks up to the registration table.

SSSK (taking out her notepad and pencil) - Name, please.

Pretty actress - Jacqueline.

SSSK - Hold on, let me write that down. D-R-Y-C-L-E-A-N.

Jacqueline - Dryclean?? Excuse me, I am not Dryclean. I am Jacqueline. Jacqueline Fernandez. Former Miss Sri Lanka. I am in the new Murder movie.

SSSK - Ah ok. Sorry sorry. Please take your seat.

Another pretty actress walks in.

Giselle - Hi, I am Giselle.

SSSK (writes down laboriously) - G-CELL. Hehe! Your name sounds like a battery, no?

Giselle (gives SSSK a dirty look and proceeds to her seat) - It's Giselle. Giselle Monteiro.

SSSK - Next!

Barbara - Hi, I am Barbara. Barbara Mori.

SSSK - Heh heh! Barbara Mori, main nahin maakhan khayo...

Barbara - Excuse me?!

SSSK - If you knew Hindi, you'd get the joke. Sigh...

Barbara takes her seat just as Katrina Kaif walks in, looking furious.

Katrina - Why am I here??? Why do I have to take the test? I have worrrked in so many Hindi movies!!

SSSK - Memorising the dialogues is a different thing, Katrina. This test is for your knowledge of Hindi.

Katrina - Oh please. Mera Hindi achi hai. Mujey yahin test kar lo?

SSSK - Ok fine. Katrina, tum shuddh Hindi mein ek vaakya ka nirman karo.

Katrina (aghast) - Wha... What shuddh... Vaakya... Nirma... You mean the deterrrgent powderrr?

SSSK - I rest my case. Please take your seat.

Katrina takes her seat, fuming.

The test begins.

SSSK - This is a buzzer round. I will name some Hindi movies and you have to tell me what the name means. Whoever presses the buzzer first will get to answer first. Twenty points for the correct answer, minus ten for the wrong answer.

The actresses exchange puzzled looks with one another.

Barbara - Buzzer? Where's the buzzer? All we have in front of us are steel plates and spoons...

SSSK - Ah yes, that is the buzzer. Our budget is a little low, you see...

The actresses roll their eyes but quickly pick up the plates and spoons.

SSSK - Hmm... so the first move name is 'Nagin'. If you know its meaning, press the buzzer NOW.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - I know! I know!

Other actresses look at her jealously.

SSSK - Very well, Jacqueline. What does 'nagin' mean?

Jacqueline (confidently) - It means "Don't count." Correct??

SSSK (makes a face) - Minus ten.

Jacqueline (indignantly) - But... but... Na gin... Don't count...

SSSK - Next word - Aatish.

Barbara (clangs plate) - Ummm... I know this one!

SSSK - Excellent. So what does Aatish mean?

Barbara (confidently) - An incomplete sneeze!

SSSK (rolls her eyes) - Minus ten. Next word - Parampara.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one. It's the sound made by a trumpet!

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Rajnigandha.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Uhhh... It is when superstar Rajnikanth forgets to bathe...?

Some of the association folks look horrified.

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Khandaan.

Katrina (clangs plate) - Of course I know this one. It's what Salman donated to the Being Human foundation. Khan daan.

SSSK - Sigh... Minus ten. Next word - Baghban.

Giselle (clangs plate) - Ummm... When you are disallowed entry into a garden 'cos you plucked the flowers?

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Banaras.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Easy-peasy. It means "Make juice."

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Bemisal.

Barbara (clangs plate) - Countries that signed the nuclear non-proliferation treaty?

SSSK - What?! Oh! Be-missile... Hmmm... creative, but still minus ten. Next word - Dastak.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one! My Hindi teacher says "Dastak gino" all the time. Dastak means 'until ten'!!!

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Hawalaat.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one! I was trained in Brazillian kickboxing. It means kickboxing. Hawa laat.

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Naraaz.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Ha! I know this one! I am starring in Raaz 3 you see. Naraaz means 'no secrets'.

SSSK - Sigh. Mere Bollywood ka kya hoga... Last word - Qurbani.

Katrina (clangs plate) - I know this! I go for it all the time, especially before the release of some of my movies.


Katrina - Yup, at the gurrrudwarrra.

SSSK - Qurbani at the gurudwara????!!!!!!

Katrina - Yeah. It's soothing, isn't it?

SSSK (almost falls off her chair and then has a sudden realisation) - OH!!!! You mean gurbani. PHEW!!!! AND... MINUS TEN!!!

Katrina - But I answerrred corrrectly... Didn't I?

SSSK (ignores her) - Okay, it's the end of the quiz. And all of you have flunked it. Hopeless. HOPELESS!! I want to disqualify all of you but I have been asked to pass at least one. Just so the Hindi Movies Dubbing Association (also known as DubAss) won't lynch me for taking away their jobs. I'll give you one last chance. Each of you write down the names of 5 hindi movies and remember to spell them correctly. The one who scores the most will pass.

Barbara, Jacqueline and Giselle whisper amongst themselves. "Not fair... Katrina has been around for so long... we are newbies..."

SSSK (eavesdrops) - Remember, the spelling is key. You have to spell it exactly the way it is spelt in the movie.

SSSK tears a sheet off her notepad for each actress. She clangs a plate and they get busy writing. SSSK walks around, invigilating. The actresses are nervously trying to remember the names of the movies mentioned in the buzzer round. Jacqueline has written one word 'Nagin'. Giselle is trying hard to spell 'Parampara'. Barbara has written 'Be-missile'.

At the end of the test, SSSK collects the 'test papers' and quickly marks them. Katrina Kaif is announced the winner. Apparently she has aced the test. Katrina punches the air and leaves the room. The association folks and SSSK also leave.

The other actresses gather to discuss. "How did she ace the test?? Even if she managed to think of 5 Hindi movies, how did she get the spelling right???? With all the numerology stuff, it's not easy to spell the names of Hindi movies anymore!"

Suddenly they spot the test papers still lying on SSSK's desk. They make a mad dash for Katrina's sheet and find the following written on it:

New York


V said...

Couldnt get any right either :-|

Angelsera said...

the funniest comment I read abt why Giselle was used in the movie..they cudnt find a homely looking Indian girl..that they had to use a phoren girl for tt!

Kanan said...


Oh my! this was classic. Loved Barbara Mori, main nahin maakhan khaayo and banaras had me go LMAO!

Fun stuff... I almost thought out of the picture had something to do with Aish and Heroine. ;)

ಅಶ್ವಿನಿ/ Ashwini said...

OMG , from where do you get these ideas Bhai.. It was hilarious, and Katrina oooops.. I loved the post. Na-Gin - Dont count ... :) :) ha ha ha

Anks said...

nearly fell off the chair... hilarious!!!

give my love to xena...:)

yab said...

totally hilarous!!!! Loved "maiya mori.." touch :) the last one - list of movies- takes the cake though!!

Prats said...

ROFL!!!! Hilarious.... You are awesome... Couldn't stop laughing.

Nidhi said...

Classic!!! I specially liked your spelling "gurrrudwarrra" for Katrina :)

And the list of movies by Kat...well, hehehehehehe ;D

naween said...

This was super-duper funny!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Perfect ending, as always :-)

Hillarious. Super cool. :-)

Deepu said...

ROFL, that was awesome.

Arun said...

LOL! Inspired! Beats "31 ways to sue the baby" hollow! :)

Obscure Optimist said...

SSSK after a long time... and what an interview Bhai... Awesome!! :D :D
best part was "Oh I wanted to put 'association' but I ran out of space so I had to stop at 'ass'"

Double triple Awesome!! :D

Sudeep said...

For a second I thought you would keep Katrina out of this, but nahi tum kaha man-ne wali ho. Chalo jeeta diya so we are good :P

Loved the Rajni joke the most.

Nachu said...

this one was super-hilarious...
be-missile - awesome :D
and the list of HINDI movies!!!

BTW, with the amount of hindi I kno, just cudnt figure out this joke , "Barbara Mori, main nahin maakhan khayo"

"main nahin maakhan khayo" - translates to "I didnt eat butter"?
Puhlez do explain the joke and enlighten me :D

Anonymous said...

Madly funny as usual!

mythalez said...

excellent collection of movie names :) ... hilarious as always!

diyadear said...

hey sayesha the mom,

good one.. loved rajanigandha and the last 5 by katrina.. She sure is smart isnt she ;)

Live2cherish said...

Simply hilarious!

humblog said...

Did Viv give you creative input on this ;-)

Why wasn't "Man ka meet" on the questionnaire?

humblog said...

Sayesha, I would like to invite you to this competition.

Anonymous said...

Mera comment kahan gaya?? :(

Arun said...

Sister and I were on a long drive, sis driving. I took out my iPhone and read out aloud SSSK's latest. Midway through sis requested to kindly stop; laughing so hard posed a driving hazard. Said Rajnigandha merited an Emmy or Pulitzer or whatever.

How do we know said...

Holly hogging HILARIOUS!! The Classic Bhai is back.. Hail the Mighty One!

Sachin Garg said...

A.W.E.S.O.M.E. is the word!!
Great going Saysha!!

Sachin Garg

Bloomsandbugs said...

Sayesha, I was hoping for a review of "Pyaar Ka Panchnama". I do have my opinion of the movie, but was interested in hearing yours.

Deepti said...

u shud try ur luck in Bolloywud a story writer...u are awsum...:)

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha this is gold!!!

Sri said...

Hahahaha...what a compilation!

Maybe you should sell your ideas to Karan Johar for his show!