Sunday, May 27, 2007

The old and the beautiful

Ad director R Balakrishnan (RB) has just finished filming ‘Cheeni Kum’ – a Bollywood movie starring Amitabh Bachchan, Tabu, Paresh Rawal and Swini Khara (the kid who plays the character of ‘Sexy’). The topic is bold - a 64-year-old man in love with a 34-year-old woman - but RB thinks the topic is fresh and will work.

Meanwhile, Ram Gopal Varma's 'Nishabd' featuring the same Bachchan romancing an 18-year-old releases at about the same time as Cheeni Kum is supposed to. Nishabd bombs badly at the box-office.

Ram Gopal Varma (RGV) sits in his old tattered office where the walls are covered with old posters of Urmila and Antara Mali in various contorted postures. He looks at the box office results of Nishabd, laughs and cries at the same time. Then he picks up the phone.

RB's phone rings.

RB - Hello?
RGV - Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki!
RB - Hello? Hello? Who's this?
RGV - Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki!
RB - Hello?? Is that you, RGV?
RGV - Muahahahahaha!
RB - Hello? Hello?

RB, furious and panicky, calls up everyone associated with the movie. Tabu can’t make it because Hollywood’s come-a-knocking on her door after watching her in ‘The Namesake’. Paresh Rawal is away shooting for ‘Phir hera pheri, phir se’. Amitabh Bachchan (AB), Swini Khara (SK) and music composer Illayaraja (IR) are seated on the couch. RB is pacing the floor. Sayesha Smitten showbiz kitten is perched on a branch just outside RB's living room window, furiously noting the proceedings.

RB – Guys, I have called you here to tell you something. We have to delay the release date of Cheeni Kum.

AB – Hain? Why?

RB (frustrated) – Why? You’re asking me why?? Amitjeeeeeeeeeee....... it’s you!

AB - What?? Me? What did I do??

Before RB can answer, AB gets a call. He speaks in hushed tones. “Gopal pan masala ad? Hmmm… I don’t really do pan masala ads… Abhishek? No I don’t think I want him to do it either. Hmmm… wow that’s a huge fee… well, I can spare Aishwarya to do it… chalega?”

RB (angrily turns to Illayaraja who’s singing something to himself) - And you...! You you you!

IR - Uh? Me?

RB - I hired you for this movie because I am a diehard fan of yours. And guess what? I just found out you recycled your own songs from old Tamil movies like Mouna Raagam for Cheeni Kum!

IR (sheepishly) - Well, they're nice songs, aren't they? Besides I thought... before someone else remixes them... I should... uh.... umm...

RB - And you've repeated the same songs in different voices many times over!

IR - Well, everyone's doing it... I just wanted to keep up with the times...

RB - But you could have told me about the recycling of the songs...

IR - Well, I didn't think I'd have to. You claimed you're a diehard fan of mine. If you're such a big fan, how come you had not heard my old songs then?

RB - Errrm...

SK (giggles)

AB is off the phone and RB now turns to him.

RB - Why why why Amitjee??? Why didn't you tell me you were doing Nishabd on a similar storyline??

AB - Errm... well, I gave all my endorsements to junior, so I had err... no work... so I signed up for whatever came my way...

RB - But you could have told me it had the same storyline as Cheeni Kum!

AB - Erm... I didn't know the storyline of Nishabd myself till we err... started filming.

RB - You mean you didn't see the script? How could you sign a movie without a script?

AB (whispers to SK) - Errr SK, what does he mean by 'script'?

SK - The script has the details of the movie. The full story, all the dialogues, etc.

AB – Hainnn?? You mean actors get a copy of the script??

SK – Yeah they do.

AB - BEFORE they start shooting???

SK - Yeah. But only in Hollywood.

AB - Ah no wonder! Arre Balki, Nishabd was a Bollywood movie. You know how Bollywood movies work, the script is printed after the movie releases.

RB - But why did you sign up for it without knowing the storyline???

AB - Well, it was Ramu's film so...

RB – Ramu’s film? Ramu’s film?? You'd sign a Ramu film without knowing the storyline?? Did you not see Naach? Argh!

SK (dryly to AB) - Cut the crap yaar. You signed Nishabd because of the hottie Jiah Khan.

AB - What?? Jiah?? Oh my goodness no! Hehehe... no no no! There's no Jiah in my life! *gulp* Only Jaya, no Jiah! Only Jaya...

IR - Ooooh!

RB - What?

IR - That reminds me of that song of Rahman's! Beautiful song... he should totally recycle that... Jaya jaley jaan jaley...

SK – Dude, it wasn't that. It was 'Jiya jaley jaan jaley...'

IR - Oh yeah, Jiah jaley jaan jaley...

AB (glares) - Jiya jaley! JIYA! JIYA!

SK - Hahahaha! Someone's getting a little defensive!

AB (glares) – Hey you brat, why don't you try talking like someone your age? No wonder they cast you as the smartass kid in the movie who talks too much! You're a natural for the role!

SK – And no wonder they cast you as the lecherous old man going after the pretty young thing. You're a natural for the role!

AB - Excuse me?! What are you trying to say here, huh?

SK - Oh puh-leez. You know what I am trying to say. First Kajrare, then sexy Sam and then Jiah! Dude, the older you get, the younger your heroines do, eh?

AB - RB, did you hear that??

SK (sticks out tongue at AB, who reciprocates with the same gesture)

RB (furious) - STOP IT, PEOPLE!! We have a more pressing issue at hand!

Everyone shuts up and looks at RB with serious looks on their faces.

RB - We're screwed. Screwed. When I set out to make the movie, everyone told me ad directors can’t make full-length Bollywood movies. Ad guru Prahlad Kakkar once said, "I want to make a proper movie but my only stumbling block is that I always finish my objective in two minutes." I wanted to prove everyone wrong. And now… that… that Ramu is laughing at me! Everyone’s speculating whether Cheeni Kum will be a bigger flop than Nishabd!

AB - Come on now! This movie is totally different from Nishabd! I don’t have a ponytail in Nishabd, but in Cheeni Kum I do! Remember how I hated the idea, but you made me do it? By the way, I still think it makes me look like a dork!

SK - Well, it's better than your stupid wig in 'Boom', isn't it?

AB glares at SK but looks sheepish.

RB (head in hands) - This movie is doomed! Doomed!

The lights dim as one by one, AB, IR and SK leave the room. RB still has his head in his hands.


Weeks later, Cheeni Kum finally releases. RB is pacing the floor when he hears it. The verdict is out.

RB takes his mobile phone out and scrolls through ‘recent calls’.

RGV’s phone rings.

RGV - Hello?
RB - Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki!
RGV - Hello? Hello? Who's this?
RB - Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki!
RGV - Hello?? Is that you, RB?
RB - Muahahahahaha!
RGV - Hello? Hello?


Sayesha’s rating of Cheeni Kum - * * *

* Run for your life! And do not look back.
** Once-watchable (if you have nothing better to do).
*** Good stuff, watch it in the theatre.
**** Awesome! Watch it in the theatre AND buy the DVD!
***** Holy cow I can’t believe Bollywood came up with this one!!!!!!!!!


creepa said...

wo bhi reading ke baad?

Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! :P

creepa said...

hehhe..mastt likha re! :P
Loved the jaya-jiah-jiya part! :D

Neihal said...

u liked the movies, right??

me planning to watch it, thanks :D

Neihal said...


ummm....Arvinda d SILVAH it is :P

and I lernt my lesson BTW ;)

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

mouna raagam was alsoa telugu movie. baaki post bouncer for me :|

but i am third!!

Sakshi said...

I was looking forward to the movie till I read all the nansense they have stuffed into what would have been otherwise nice script..

Bivas said...

Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki!
still ROTFL =))
simbly supaarb :D
Movies good

Iday said...

Funny man :)
This is a movie i'm gonna let pass...

Naveen said...

awesome madam awesome

Sandip Chaudhuri said...

it released in Jade ?

Krishna Shankar said...

I like your style. Clap clap clap this applause is from me.

oxymoron said...

Cool review style!
started ur new job? i'm guessing ur next post will be on that!

Enigma said...

i loved the movie! it was hilarious... esply the kitchen scenes... its worth a theater watch for sure :)

i even loved the encounters between AB and Paresh Rawal...


Thisisme said...

heheh..nice post :)) but me thinks i will catch this on dvd later..dont like amitabh but luv tabu :P

The Soul of Alec Smart said...

Hi Sayesha,

Had you seen Shootout at Lokhandwala and Cheeni Kum on the same weekend, I bet you would have given Cheeni Kum 4 stars!! ask me..

Been reading this blog for a long time now.. Love it.. Wanted to know if I can blogroll you..

HaRi pRaSaD said...

I came across the title track for the movie when I was channel flipping and almost jumped out of the sofa in Shock! "Hey! Some dumbass has lifted the Maestro's Mouna Ragam tune and used it here" I thought, when "Music - Illayaraja" appeared on the screen!!! I was deleighted. "Ow! Our Raja has gone bollywood!!" Have you listened to the orginal? Beautiful song.And by the way Sayesha, you were shocked on seeing Rajinikanths costumes for "Shivaji" rite?
The designer is Manish Malhotra!!

PizzaDude said...

Wow! I totally loved the way you reviewed it :D

Anonymous said...

Ok man
u really put a lot of thought and effort in reviewing a movie and nikaling baal ki khaal :P

I had to compare the dialogue in beginning with the one at the end to get the whole point..which is that Cheeni Kum is a hit compared to Nishabd

luv the style tho...dhaki tikki dhakki tikki...:P

The Soul of Alec Smart said...

Thankee :) Can I add you to my blogroll?

Naresh said...

Dunno abt the movie, but the review is great! Plain awesome...

Makes me want to watch the movie :)

arpana said...

Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki!


couldnt stop myself from doing that :D

Sayesha said...

Thanks! :P

Yeah I liked it, especially the funny parts! The ending scenes were a bit weird though. :)
ps: Wot lesson? :O

#Ipanema Gal,
Dekh le movie, seriously :)

Funny hai yaar, dekh le! :)


Really? I'd recommend watching it! :)

Thanks, sir, thanks! :)

Yup, like a week ago! :O

Thanks! :)

Thanks! :)
ps: Yup, started. Next post is not abt job, but it's a significant one for me :)
pps: Job post coming up soon though :)

Yeah the kitchen scenes were damn funny! :)

No no no watch it in the theatre! Even I dun like Amitabh but I liked him in this! :D

#The Soul,
Hahahahaha! I heard Shootout was really bad! :P
ps: Yeah you can blogroll me, thanks! :)

Hahahahaha! :D
ps: About the Manish Malhotra bit, :O :O :O :O

Thanks! :)

Hahahaha! Yeah you got it, thanks! :)

#The Soul,
It's an honour :)

Thanks! :) And you should totally watch it!

It's okay, sometimes I do it without any reason too! :P

Bivas said...

Hey I finally watched Metro...abhi abhi theatre se laut raha hoon...Beautiful movie :D
n u hrd rite abt shootout!

Priyanka Sarkar said...

hi sayesha!
bumped into ur blog.....
amazing writing sure this "Script" deserves to be enacted ...:)
very very well written...

Naveen said...

ok. It's better with the commas! :)

How do we know said...

U let me down. Cheeni Kum was all Kum Kum. (spelt with a K)

Bivas said...

n guess wot...kal Cheeni Kum bhi dekh liya...very gud movie :-)
n I thot the kid was pretty cute actually :-)

Risha said...

mast way of writing a review...i loved ur style...will be a regular here now :)

Sayesha said...

Hahaha! I heard Shootout is a hit but it's really bad! :?

Welcome to Sayeshaz and thanks! :)

Hahahaha! :P :P :P

#How do we know,
Really? You didn't like it? Well, I didn't like the way it ended, but the rest was funny! :)

Yeah I liked the kid too... better than the one in Fanaa! :D

Welcome to Sayeshaz! Thanks for dropping by! :)

Nirmal Simon said...

I love hindi songs!Check out it has awesome lyrics from thousands of songs.