Yours for keeps

You know your joke is really, like REALLY bad, when even Viv, the king of bad jokes, refuses to laugh at it. :|

So Mr. Wicket Keeper is in Malaysia with the team for a tournament, and when he called yesterday after the first day of the match, I said brightly, "Hi Viv, hope you're keeping well. Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Complete silence. Hmmph! :/

In search of the truth - IV

I haven't posted anything on the search keywords bewdas have used to land at the bar in some time. Luckily, there are no really disturbing ones in this round, but 'Sheela Kijwani' turned up -- that was fast! And someone tried to find the Bhai on linkedin. Underworld ke links linkedin par nahin hote, beta. Muahahaha!

Anyway, here is the list:

• veshti
• senorita banana
• wedding sehri things
• akshay kumar barana de lyrics
• sayesha on the orcdks
• dil toh pagal hai dialogues
• Mirja Ghalib ki gajalein
• hot sexi movie on facebook
• juba pe laga lyrics
• jab we met... ek dam kadak beauty ..dialogue
• badminton player ali yaar baig's narcotics baned
• dehleez ke diye
• galyan sakli sonyachi lyrics
• cost of haircut at vlcc
• on the rocks
• jigar ka tukda means
• "sheela kijwani" sayesha
• mineral water pani puri indore
• veer zaara locations wagah border
• words to write in a farewell card
• sonakshi taller than salman
• mujh se ladne ki himmat to juta loge par kaminapan kahan se laoge?
• Sayesha bartender Bhai, linkedin

Truth of the youth

I had been hearing and reading a lot about Munni vs. Sheela on radio. Also, someone's Facebook status was 'Agar Sheela pehle jawaan ho jaati toh Munni itni badnaam nahin hoti'. Sheesh, but it made me laugh. So I decided to look up this Sheela chick.

And it drove me nuts. I'm not sure if it's in a good or a bad way. Agreed, that Katrina looks hot and the tune is really catchy, but what's with the lyrics???

My name is Sheela
Sheela ki jawani
I'm too sexy for you
Main tere haath na aani

Am I missing something? What does she mean "My name is Sheela, Sheela ki jawani"? Sheela ki jawani what?! There's no follow-up to the words 'Sheela ki jawani'! She just goes on to a completely new statement! In English! It's driving me mad!!! I need to be able to explain it!!!! (Though honestly I don't think it bothers anyone as much as it bothers me.)

Wait, maybe she's Sindhi and her surname is Kijawani? Now THAT makes sense -- My name is Sheela. Sheela Kijawani. Like 'My name is Bond. James Bond.' No? Okay fine. Hmmph. You explain it.

For those who have not yet seen the song (unlikely), check it out, featuring as the video of the week at the bar -- 'Love-it-or-hate-it-you-can't-ignore-it -- Sheela ki jawani'.



Video courtesy Youtube

It runs in the family

So the Standard Chartered marathon bib (the one that goes on the runners' back) has a space where you can write a slogan to encourage the runners behind you. Viv gave me the task of thinking of a cool slogan to put on his.

I thought and thought and after a while all I could suggest was, "Why don't you overtake me so I can see if you have a cool slogan or not?" I thought it would really encourage (or piss off) the runner behind and egg him/her to go faster (unless he/she had a really bad slogan and would prefer to stay behind Viv). Needless to say, I got a dirty look from Viv for my suggestion. That was it. It was 2 am for heaven's sake. The only part of my brain that works at such an hour is the Bollywood lobe.

So my filmi mind went on overdrive and came up with all of these slogans below, all of which got systematically rejected, of course. In the end, he went with the rather mellow "The end is near... Keep going." (I came up with the "The end is near" and I wanted to add three exclamation marks after it and leave it at that, but he added the "Keep going." and killed the drama.) Hmmmph. Booooo-ring!

So here's the list of my cool (and rejected) Bollywood slogans:

• Bhaaaaago mohan pyaare...
• Dauuuddd (imagine the annoying way in which Rahman sang it)
• Bhaaaago... building mein... aag lag gayi hai! (think Asit Sen)
• Towards the run-ji trophy
• Mere run mein runne wali
• Bhaag Dhanno bhaag!
• Main tujhko bhaga laaya hoon tere ghar se!
• Run-chhoddas Shyamaldas Chanchad
• Bhaagte raho!
• Chal bhaag yahan se!
• Kyon aage peechhe dolte ho bhanwron ki tarah?
• Duniya hai mere peechhe, lekin main tere peechhe
• Aage aage chale hum, peechhe peechhe preet mitwa
• Mere peechhe mere aage, haath jode duniya bhaage
• Megha chhayi aadhi raat, bai-run ban gayi nindiya
• Bhaag utha insaan
  
• Raja ko running se pyaar ho gaya
• Hum hain run-bhoomi ke run-veer!
  

Got any more?

The plane truth

I got scolded. :(

By a 4-year-old. :( :(

You know how when your nieces and nephews are very young and they say these cute little random things that you love to hear so much? And then they grow up and you realise that you haven't?

Happened to me. :( :( :(

When Aishu was about 3, she used to look at the yellow school buses passing her window in fascination and dream of the day when she would be in one of them. And when I'd call her and ask, "Aishu, when will you come to Singapore?" she'd say, "I'll go to Singapore tomorrow in the ellow school bus." And then I'd ask her the same question 383565739393 times in the conversation just to hear her say 'ellow school bus' 383565739393 times.

So recently I remembered that and asked her, "Aishu, when will you come to Singapore in the ellow school bus?"

"Mausiiii...!" she exclaimed in indignation. "You don't go to Singapore in the yellow school bus! You go to school in the yellow school bus. You go to Singapore in an aeroplane!"

:|

Down the drain

'Twas a usual day at work, just another Friday
But as you'll know from this story, it just wasn't my day
Without much further ado, let me spin the yarn
About what happened that fateful day, that made me go, "DARN!!"

Agreed that I'd bought you for a measly two bucks
But you were so pretty... Shucks! Shucks! Shucks!
You were this big, sparkling, purple earring
Classy and gorgeous, with just a hint of bling

'Twas just my bad luck that you went and fell
Headfirst, before I saw, into the death well
Well, not so much a death well, as the office toilet bowl
My heart broke thus, and no one could console

A quick mourning session
Followed by deep depression
Then panic began to set in
And I began sweatin'

'Cos you were lying there at the bottom of the bowl
And of the situation, I didn't have much control
I felt like a killer, with a body on his hands
"Get rid of the evidence!" Such a situation demands.

There were people waiting, who also had to pee
And before I got out, I had to get rid of thee
So forgive me, beloved earring, I had to press 'flush'
And soon you were out of sight with a sudden gush

I pocketed the other, and made my way out
The day was a disaster, I was miserable throughout
I don't know what to do with your partner who's now single
So I decided to go home and write, erm, this very long jingle.

Under the spell

My phone thinks it's damn smart. It does not provide me with alternatives when it can't recognise a word I'm trying to type -- it actually replaces the word without consulting me.

Yesterday I was typing out a list of Indian spices for Viv to get from Mustafa and one of the items I wanted to include was 'Everest chilli powder'.

And what did I end up typing?

'Severest chilli powder'.

Oh well, good for me. :P

Advant-age Aish

So my niece Aish calls after like a gazillion years. Obviously she's learnt something evil at school because her first question itself is politically quite incorrect.

Me - Hi Aishu, how are you??

Aish - Hi Mausi, how old are you?

Hainn?! Ahem. Ok fine. So I tell her my age.

Aish - And Mausa, how old are you?

Viv tells her his age.

We are still not fully over the depression when she drops the bomb.

Aish (and you can hear the pride in her voice) - I am FOUR YEARS OLD.

Me - GEE! THANKS A LOT, AISHU!

Aish - ??

***

I have something to say to the toddlers of the world -- there are some very insecure grown-ups around you, would you please just STOP SHOWING OFF???

Match point

So Viv and I were setting off on our post-dinner walk when I remembered that I'd wanted to put on a facial mask that evening but forgotten about it. Putting it on after the walk would mean having to wait for it to dry so I could wash it off before I went to bed. (Oh the complexities that life throws our way, no?)

"Darn. Mask lagaake nikalna tha, nahin? Walk par hi dry ho jata." I joked.

And instantly both of us started singing, "Mask lagaake tuney mara, ghayal ho gaya dil bechara!" Then we realised we were both singing the same thing and stopped in the middle of the soundtrack, struck with total shock/horror/awe/amusement/delight.

After the walk, we reached home and we saw my bedroom slippers near the shoe rack. I'd forgotten I had them on till I'd reached downstairs and then come up again to change. They were a bit muddy so I'd left them outside.

"What about these? Are you going to take them inside?" The Virgo man asked.

"Yep. I'll wash them now when I wash my feet. Waise bhi pair toh dhona hi hai."

And instantly both of us started singing again, "Pair toh dhona hi tha!" Then we realised we were both singing the same thing and stopped in the middle of the soundtrack, struck with total shock/horror/awe/amusement/delight.

Sometimes I wonder how fate brought us together. And then something like this happens that answers it all.

Yep, the dhakkans that we are, no one in their right mind would have married either of us. :)

Leave of absence

Ok ok ok I know I know. Trust me -- I KNOW. I have been missing from the bar for too long and the barrels are all empty and the bewdas are all sober and all that. Truth is -- I have no real excuse. I have always hated the 'I have no time' excuse because I have always believed that if you really want to do something, you'll always have time for it. So there. Guilty as charged. No excuses. Head hung in shame and all that.

So, in general, here's a catch-up on what's been happening. Absence makes the heart fonder and the mind wander, so pardon the randomness.

• S2 moved back to India. For good. I am still in denial.

• I cannot, I repeat, CANNOT wait for the new Harry Potter movie. True, I am a bigger fan of the books than the movies, but there is no thrill like watching the movie version of books you truly love, unless of course you have violent objections to the casting. I have no violent objections to the casting (yes, not even to the 'movie-Hermione is too hot compared to book-Hermione').

• It's appraisals' season at work, and it's not particularly my favourite one. Judgement day is never easy, and I hope I can be fair to my staff and that my boss can be fair to me.

• Diwali was a quiet affair. Viv and I didn't do much. A simple rangoli, a simple pooja, four diyas at the doorstep, a few episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and a simple dinner with a good friend.

• Yesterday, I watched an episode of Bigg Boss on Youtube and almost fell off my chair. O.M.G. That Dolly Bindra makes Rakhi Sawant look like a classy Victorian lady, doesn't she?

• Viv and I have started taking long walks (2-3 km after dinner IS long, okay?) after dinner. It's not only good exercise, it's such a great way to catch up with each other after a long hard day at work.

• Viv's third (or is it the fourth?) marathon is coming up soon. Excited!

• I watched Jhootha Hi Sahi and found it really funny. John should truly write a book called 'How to be really really hot and still be likeable'.
  
  
• I also had the chance to finally watch Zanjeer - the movie that made Amitabh Bachchan a superstar after a string of 13 flops. Total disappointment. Erm, what was the big deal really?
  

• I just realised this evening that making sambar is the most bartan-consuming culinary activity ever. One to soak the tamarind, one to soak the dal, one to soak the small onions, a pressure cooker, a wok and what not -- all just to make one dish! It's really as much effort as cooking the dish, which is why I really don't mind the current cooking-washing division of labour between Viv and me. Husbands who don't cook OR do the dishes, shame on you!
  
  
• I haven't spoken to my 4.5-year-old niece baby Aish in a month. Seriously. When I call, she's at school and when she calls, I'm at work. I feel like she's already a hard-to-get-hold-of American teenager and soon she won't know me at all. Time to plan the next big family reunion!
  

And that's all for now, folks. I'll be back. Soon, I hope. Can't let Dad win the blogging battle, can I? ;)