A twist-ed tale

Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) is sitting in the living room of Abbas-Mastan (who, if you didn't know, are actually two different people) and interviewing them along with the actors of the movie Race. SSSK, accustomed to taking notes perched on a branch, looks around for a tree but doesn’t see any. She sits on the couch, takes out her beloved notepad and starts writing.

SSSK - Firstly, thank you for taking time out for this interview. It's such an honour to be face-to-face with the entire cast of Race.

Sameera - Caste?? Race?? What is she talking about? I don't think I want to give this interview. I think this interview will get us into trouble!

Bipasha (rolling eyes) - She's talking about cast of Race. C-A-S-T of our movie Race!

Sameera - Oh okay okay. Go ahead. I am just cautious… with the reservations and all these days… you never know.

Katrina rolls her eyes.

SSSK - So tell me about Race. I have watched it, but would like to hear your perspective...

Katrina (starts singing) - Race hai saason ki! Race hai dhadkan ki!

Bipasha - Katrina... stop showing off your limited Hindi. Anyway, it's MY song.

Katrina - Oh puh-leez! I'm singing it in the promos!

Sameera - Hey, me too!

A-M - Okay girls, let us answer this question, will you? SSSK, Race is a thriller.

SSSK - So you mean it's a typical Abbas-Mastan movie?

A-M (looking offended) - What do you mean by that??

SSSK - I mean... you know... murders, hot women, conspiracy, infidelity, etc.

A-M - There is nothing typical about this movie. It is as atypical as it gets.

SSK – And how is that?

A-M - You know how critics always say about Bollywood, "Leave your brain at home when you go for a Bollywood movie"?

SSSK - Yes...

A-M - Well, we decided that we will make a movie where people will have to do the exact opposite of 'leaving their brain at home'.

SSSK - Ah, so make their brain work overtime...

A-M - Exactly.

SSSK - So that explains the plot within the plot within the plot within... no wonder all the critics said it's an exhausting movie. I believe the exact words some of them used were "dimaag ka dahi".

A-M - Yes, that's right. You can't just sit there and watch this movie. You have to process it in your brain faster than the movie moves.

Sameera - Yes, that's right.

Saif (smirks) - Ha! Like you would know anything about processing and the brain.

Sameera (to Anil) - Anil Uncle!!! Dekhiye na...

Anil - Arre Saif... be nice to her.

SSSK (turns to Anil) - Speaking of Anil uncle, I want to ask you what every other person watching your movies is wondering. Are you ever going to retire?

Anil (laughs nervously) - Actually, I was all set to retire. I wanted to pass on the legacy to Sonam and then do dad roles. But you guys know what happened to Saawariya... (rests his head in his hands) After that, I figured I have to keep the legacy alive for a while more.

Katrina (giggles) - Till she has a hit?

Bipasha - You're the one to talk?

Katrina (defensively) - Hey, all my movies are hits, okhay?

Saif (deadpan face) - Yes yes, and they're all hits because of you.

Katrina (elated) - Exactly. Thank you, Saif!

Saif rolls his eyes.

SSSK - Well, let's get back on track.

A-M - Sure, sure.

SSSK - So how did you manage to add so many twists and subplots to the story? Didn't your writer go completely nuts?

A-M - Well, normally we wouldn't tell you, but I am sure no one else will repeat our novel idea so we guess it's okay. Well, we hired six writers. Once the first guy was done with the story, we passed it to the next and said, "Story's done, you just need to write the twist in the end." When he was done, we passed it to the next one and said the same thing. After all six were done, we had our script!

SSSK - Wah! Brilliant! What an idea, sirji!

A-M - Actually, we were originally supposed to have seven writers.

SSSK - Really?

A-M - Yeah. The story was actually supposed to develop more.

SSSK (horrified) - DEVELOP MORE??? You're kidding, right?

A-M - No, we're serious. Eventually we wanted to end it with Sameera as the mastermind... but the seventh writer read what was given to him and said.... well, he said... erm, some very bad words... before storming off. So we decided to end it with whatever the sixth guy had written.

SSSK - I see. So how does the movie end?

Everyone - What?!

SSSK - Err... how does the movie end?

A-M (glaring) - We thought you watched it.

SSSK - I did, I did! But I got so confused by the time the Katrina and Akshaye angle happened that I started taking notes in the middle of the theatre. You know me and my notes... By the time, I had sketched the complete relationship and conspiracy tree, the movie was... kind of over. Fast, eh?

A-M (coldly) - Duh! It's called 'Race' for a reason?

SSSK - Of course, of course. So how does it end? Who's the mastermind?

A-M (stare at SSSK coldly) - We can't tell you that.

SSSK - Come on! Katrina, you tell me.

Katrina - Err...

SSSK turns to look at Bipasha.

Bipasha - Actually... uhh...

SSSK - Come on! Saif, you tell me.

Saif - Me? Huh?

SSSK - What about you, Akshaye?

Akshaye - *blank look*

SSSK - Anil?

Anil - Don't ask me, I only appeared in the second half!

SSSK - Sigh...

Sameera - Hey, you didn't ask me!

SSSK - Sigh...

Sameera - What? What?

SSSK - Come on, you guys! Be a sport. How does it end?

A-M - Actually they can't tell you how it ends.

SSSK - I know I know... but come on now...

A-M - No, you don't understand. They can't tell you because...

SSSK - Because?

A-M - Because they don't know it themselves!

SSSK - Huh? What do you mean?

A-M - Well, we shot a lot of scenes that look like the movie's end, and none of the actors really knows what happened.

Saif (dryly) - That is true. Actually I still don't know if I am the good guy or the bad guy... And there's NO WAY I'm gonna sit through the movie to find out.

Akshaye - Me neither yaar... do you know, Anil?

Anil - Yeah I do. I think I'm supposed to be good... but if I'm good, Sameera is bad... and Sameera is definitely good... so am I bad? Okay, now I am confused...

Katrina (to Bipasha) - What about us, yeah? Are we good in the movie?

Bipasha - Good question. I think if Saif is good, I'm good. And if Akshaye is good, you're good. Right?

SSSK – But Saif and Akshaye can’t be both good, isn't it?

Katrina – I think I am good. ‘Cos you know… I...err.. look good?

Bipasha (sits up) – Excuse me?!

Sameera (watched Bipasha sit up, and sits up too) – And excuse me too!

SSSK - What about you, Akshaye?

Akshaye - I don't... really... know...

Saif and Anil shake their heads too.

Abbas-Mastan - But why are you talking about irrelevant stuff, SSK? The movie was a hit. That's all that matters. Hai na?

SSSK - Woh sab toh theek hai, but did any of you know what was happening in the movie?

All the cast members give each other blank looks.

SSSK - Seems like you have a very confused cast...

A-M - Oh this is nothing. You should meet the movie editor. But of course we're paying for his shrink visits.