Q is for Qayamat ho

Does anyone remember Doordarshan's Baingan Raja from the late 80s? (Gaaah, I feel old even talking about it.)

When I saw Abhishek Bachchan in this song from the movie Tera Jadoo Chal Gaya (2000), my very first thought was 'OMG BAINGAN RAJA!'


See for yourselves!


Baingan Raja also has magical powers. Check out the levitating leg.


It's so refreshing to see a thumka from the hero for once, even though the heroine is right there dressed in a thumka-friendly outfit.


Baingan Raja undergoes several costume changes in the song. Including this outfit that he borrowed from Daler Mehendi. And when you wear a Daler Mehendi oufit, you gotta do some tunak tunak. It's mandatory.


Imagining the wedding photoshoot? Check out how her outfit pales in comparison to his.


Presenting once again, the green to shame all greens.

Check it out.

P is for Paas woh aane lage zara zara

Oh man!

I had the perfect P song -- 'Pagal hua' from the 1999 movie Kohram. Where Nana Patekar and Tabu (playing an army officer and a police officer respectively) are doing amazing dance steps in amazing outfits.



One leeetle problem, however. The video owner has disabled playback on other sites so I cannot gif the heck out of this mindblowing song. So here it is -- bonus P song. Please watch it -- you will never look at Nana Patekar or Tabu the same way again.

***

Today's actual P song is 'Paas woh aane lage' from the 1994 movie Main Khiladi Tu Anari.

Now I did watch the movie when I was a kid but I couldn't remember much so I went to Wikipedia, where I read this very simple one-sentence synopsis that makes total sense.

"While Karan and Basanti fall in love with each other, Deepak falls in love with Karan's sister, Shivangi, which makes Karan mad and he tries to get rid of Deepak Kumar, for which Deepak Kumar reminds Karan that he wanted to hang around with him because he wanted to learn what it is like being a cop, and apologises for loving his sister Shivangi, which makes Karan guilty and tries to win back Deepak Kumar for his sister and Mother-in-Law."


So the song is an instructional video on pain management at home. It starts off with Saif and Rageshwari suffering from chronic lower back pain and trying to find various treatments for it.


Body still hurting? Try this champi method.


No results? Then try reiki.


Rolling on the grass has a massaging effect, which can help get rid of body aches and pains. You can even use your full body weight to massage a fellow sufferer.


If nothing is working, do not lose heart. Aquatherapy has proven effective for many people.


If the pain has spread to the face, you can consider applying some soothing petals or embarking on heat therapy by bringing your face in close contact with a lit candle.


Once you're rid of your pains, remember that prevention is better than cure. Exercise daily and make sure you do your stretches properly.

For the full video showing all treatment options, see below.

O is for O ajnabi

In general, I intensely dislike most Kareena Kapoor movies.

But Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon (2003) I dislike with a vengeance. IT.IS.BAD. Every actor does a terrible job and there is a CGI parrot in the movie.

So this song starts with Hrithik Roshan doing what I find myself doing sometimes when trying to get dressed for a party.


Though I'm curious about why he's throwing his clothes out of a moving train, I can't get myself to watch this movie. Again. No can do.


Look what they have reduced an otherwise decent actor to.

So we gather that he's heartbroken because his sweetheart is getting engaged to his boss.


Here is said sweetheart, so dramatically heartbroken that she almost breaks her friend's shoulder.


Why does this give me Koi Mil Gaya vibes?

Abhishek Bachchan is the only sane person in the song who is not overacting.


Mainly because he has played 'the guy who's about to get married to girl who loves another guy' 8785403725804 times in his career, so he can just sleepwalk through this role.


Meanwhile, Hrithik is still doing his 'Mirror mirror on the wall, who can weep the best of all' routine.


The engagement is supposedly on a boat. Called LOVE BOAT. Yes.


Kareena Kapoor's brief said 'Look distraught.' Methinks she read it as 'Look disgusted'.


I'm quite amazed that no one in the whole damned LOVE BOAT has noticed that the dulhan-to-be doesn't exactly look happy.


In fact, she's not just unhappy. She's furious. Oh wait, wrong brief again?

Even her mom seems totally oblivious.


She's waiting for Hrithik but he's not done throwing his clothes from the train yet.

Enjoy this cryfest.

N is for Neal n Nikki

'Neal n Nikki' from 2005 is the kind of movie I STRONGLY SUPPORT.

Such movies need to be made from time to time to showcase Bollywood's nepotism ki dukaan so that wealthy producers watch and learn from it and then tell their kids, "Nahin beta, isse achha tu engineer hi ban ja."


The song starts with producer da puttar Uday Chopra and Kajol's baby sister Tanisha Mukherjee (who actually started dating when shooting for this movie) talking about their first crushes.


So Neal was 4 and this was his first crush. Pray tell me which 4-year-old girl dresses like this.


Don't let his silly dance moves undermine the meaningful lyrics of the song:

I'm the Neal
I'm the man
Rockstar
Superstar


Now it's Nikki's turn. Her story is about to unravel. Along with some of her clothes.

So she says she was 9 and fell in love when she saw George Michael on TV.


And he breaks the news to her that he was gay. Like this.


She's so upset about it that she rips her top off.

Her lyrics are no better.

Nikki Bakshi
Sweet and sexy
Full-on rocking
Hot and happening


Meanwhile, he's now talking about his next crush when he was in high school. A hot algebra teacher. Nothing wrong with that except what is written on the board.

ALGEBRA
2x1 = 2
2x2 = 4
2x3 = 6
and so on.


Speaking of alge-bra, Nikki's wardrobe malfunction continues. (Apparently,  her role was offered to Ayesha Takia who turned it down. One can only guess why.)


Uday's future may not be bright, but his lipstick sure is.


And then they have the audacity to do this. NO. NEAL N NIKKI, YOU DON'T.

Watch the song. And then watch the movie. Because it has an amazing rating of 3.3 on IMDB.

M is for Mana abhi ho kamsin

I don't think anyone can deny that Neelam was one of the cutest actors of her time. In fact, she was the very definition of 'cute'.

Now imagine someone out-cute-ing Neelam!

That, my friends, was Karan Shah.


Gaaaaah. He was SO cute that Neelam paled in comparison!

This song is from the 1984 movie Jawaani (yes, the movie with that very catchy song 'Tu rootha toh main ro doongi sanam'). It was the debut movie of both these cuties.

Karan is telling Neelam, 'Mana abhi ho kamsin'. 'Kamsin' means 'juvenile'. And guess how old Neelam was when she did this movie? 15 (some sites and videos say 14)!

And now let's get down to the actual song. The choreographer had called in sick that morning...

...so they used the bagal ke studio ka aerobics instructor.


...who, looking at Neelam in this gif, obviously teaches swimming on the side too.


I have...



...no words. Literally.


Oh, look! There's a bit of yoga in the mix as well.


This reminds me of the 'Modi on a rock' memes.


This gives me anxiety.


And why this shot had to begin at her crotch is beyond me.


Seriously now, how lazy was this choreographer??!! Yeh kya step hai??!!

Watch it. The two cuties will make you forgive everything.

L is for Lucky lips

Did anyone watch this Salman Khan movie from 2005 called 'Lucky - No Time For Love'? Though quite a forgettable movie by itself, it was much talked about because of the leading lady bachi Sneha Ullal's strong resemblance to Aishwarya Rai. The makers thought they had hit the jackpot because Bhai and Ash had broken up so the audiences would lap up Ash Lite. Unfortunately, the audience found her just as wooden as the original version.


Oh oh oh! I just recognised Meher Vij from Bajrangi Bhaijaan and Secret Superstar. She played the mom in both. I had no idea she was a part of these bathroom antics!


Yes, this is exactly why girls go to the bathroom together.


These girls are on a mission — to teach the world this amazing dance step. And they will go to great lengths to do it.


Target spotted — random motorists at the traffic light...


Wedding parties...



Even children are not spared.


They board buses full of sailors and randomly start dancing.


You're not alone in cringing at this step.

Look at these men. They have died on the inside after watching the girls dance.


Budget Aishwarya's paltan is undeterred though. They have got the full junta on their side.

Enjoy!

K is for Kyun phool khilte hain

Remember the era when Shilpa Shetty used to look and behave like this?


And Saif Ali Khan used to look and behave like this?


Remember the era when heroines chose the gaudiest colours for their outfits and make-up?


The era when the only competition to the colours on her were the colours on him?


Remember the era when heroines would wear full-blast lehengas simply to go for a stroll in the park, but the hero would be in regular (well, almost) clothes?


Remember why people all over the world laugh at us Indians and ask if we really dance around trees?


Remember the era when scriptwriters used to go a little overboard with the 'chulbuli' heroine, until she got a little psycho? (Tell me she's not freaking you out now.)


Remember the era when heroines wore more jewellery than Bappi da?


Remember the era when the hero and heroine were always running?


Oh. SO. MUCH. RUNNING.


Remember the era with songs like this?

J is for Jaate ho jaane jana

What comes to mind when you think of Shabana Azmi?

A sari-clad, serious, elegant, no-nonsense lady?

This song by itself is nothing to write home about, but what makes it so much more interesting is Shabana Azmi of all people indulging in a bit of nonsensical comedy.


The song, from the 1977 movie Parvarish,  starts off with Neetu Singh and Shabana Azmi pretending to jump off a bridge, but then Amitabh Bachchan and Vinod Khanna come riding along.


The girls think that their knights on shining motorbikes are here to rescue them.


But uh oh, that's not the case. The guys are literally saying "Kthxbai." Bhaav nahin dene ka.


Neetu Singh can do this kinda comic stuff in her sleep, but coming from Shabana Azmi, it's quite a pleasant surprise.


Oh, the sheer amount of fabric used up by the four pairs of pants! (Also, is anyone else bothered by that weird fold in Shabana's pants?)


The two girls are trying to motivate each other to convince the men that they are going to end it all. They try various ways — lying down on railway tracks with nary a train in sight...


...attempting to set themselves alight...


...when they are incapable of setting even a matchstick alight.


The men then gallantly come forward. And offer them lighters.


They also set up a bonfire right under the tree the girls are perched on. Methinks joke's gone a bit too far maybe?


The girls then climb up a building under construction. The guys are already stationed in their 'Need a push?' positions.


Finally, the girls realise that their plot's not working and apologise.

Here's the full song.

I is for In the night no control

This song is a cringe-fest.

I have no problem with Akki and Rekha being together in this song, but I have a big problem with what they are doing together.


Okay, I'm just hoping that's ketchup on his face and not blood. Because she licks it. Yes, they show her licking it. (I spared you guys the gif. You're welcome.)


Quiz time - what has more hair, Akki's chest or Rekha's head?


Lyrics for your reading pleasure:
Even the naughty girls need love, hai na?
Dhak dhak dhak dhak dhak dhak dil dhadke
Love me love me love me, yeh bole


Meri zulfon se, saason se
Meri aankhon se, hothon se
Zulfon se, saason se, aankhon se, hothon se
Jaayega bachke kahan?

That was the harmless part of the lyrics. Here comes the real killer:

In the night, no control
Kya karoon, kuchh toh bol
Tod de yeh badan
Take my love, take my soul


So he places a slice of cheese on the back of his hand, drizzles chocolate sauce over it and feeds it to her.

If you thought that was YUCK, try this.


Yep, that is Akki. Not a body double.


Just double bodies.

Slithering around in the mud.


Bas yehi dekhna baki reh gaya tha. This is how you drag Bollywood's good name through the mud. Literally.


Okay, that's enough Internet for the day. Bye.

Dekh lo but don't say later that I didn't warn you. You WILL need a bath after watching this song.

H is for Hum tumse muhabbat karte hain

Some of you may remember Fardeen Khan and Meghna's Kothari's disastrous debut Prem Aggan (written, produced and directed by Daddy Dearest). The movie tanked but somehow, Fardeen got the Filmfare Best Debut award (bought, purchased and acquired by Daddy Dearest?).

Most people today who know of this movie do so thanks to Kanan and Biswa's hilarious review.

I had featured another song from this movie in the April challenge last year, but this movie is a gift that keeps on giving. For I have another song this year, which is just as uhhh... [insert suitable choice words].

So the song starts off with the two lovebirds on the top of a mountain. They slowly turn.


They have run away from their homes and are going to take the plunge. Like, literally.


WHAT?! Noooo, surely you guys are not going to...


Oh yes, we are.


Oh, you gullible reader, how worried you got for their safety. Just look at her, casually waving as if she's just bumped into an old friend at the mall. "Eh hiii, tu yahan kar raha hai??"


Oho what dancing. Aha what dancing.


Oho what shorts. Aha what steps. You will see more of these shorts later. In different colours.

I can imagine the props guy calling Firoz Khan from the shop.

PG - Hello, sir?
FK - Arre kahan hai tu??
PG - Sir, heroine ki shorts lene ke liye gaya tha.
FK - Aur?
PG - Sir, sale lagi hai, sir. Rainbow colours ka full set.
FK - Full set? Really?! Haan toh lekar aa na!
PG - Ok, sir!


The answer to every girl's "Bhaiya, koi aur colour nahin hai?" question.


Seriously, yeh kya hai? I am not sure whom to fault — the choreographer or the dancers.


Okay, maybe the choreographer because even diggaj dancers CANNOT make this step look normal.


Actually, I take my words back. It's the dancers. For sure.

Dekho.