Thursday, February 14, 2008

The kingly affair

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten reads about the protests against the release of Jodhaa Akbar. She decides to investigate further and goes over straight to director Ashutosh Gowarikar's house. A large number of protesters are standing outside his house. The two in front are burning cut-outs of Gowarikar and Hrithik Roshan, while the rest are shouting slogans asking for the movie to be canned or banned.

Fortunately for her, there is a tree just outside the house. She makes herself comfortable on one of the low-hanging branches right next to the window of his living room, takes out her notebook and starts jotting down the proceedings.

Gowarikar steps out his house and is immediately pelted with eggs. Strangely, the eggs are not rotten, but are hard-boiled. One of the protesters - a teenager - starts collecting the thrown eggs and putting them in a basket.

Gowarikar - Please stop. Rukiye, please!

Protesters - Jodhaa Akbar band karo! Jodhaa Akbar band karo!

Gowarikar - Please listen...

Protesters - We will go to court. We will go to high court! We will go to supreme court! We will get this movie canned!

Gowarikar - Dekhiye... please suniye... Can we talk it out in peace?

Lead protester - Bhai log, ruko! He's ready to talk.

The protesters stamp on the burning cut-outs to extinguish the flames, while Gowarikar winces at the sight. Everyone goes inside. There aren't enough chairs in his living room, so the crowd sits down on the carpet, while the three leaders (rather creatively christened 'Protester 1', 'Protester 2' and 'Protester 3'), sit on the couch with Gowarikar.

There is an awkward silence for a while. Gowarikar decides to try small talk.

Gowarikar (to Protester 1 who is still holding the half-burnt cut-outs) - Toh bhaisaab, what do you do?

Protester 1 (glares) - What do you mean what do I do?

Gowarikar - I mean what do you do for a living?

Protester 1 (beams) - Oh! I make cardboard cut-outs of Bollywood stars in my basement. Some even call it the desi Madam Tussaud's.

Gowarikar - Oh... and what about you?

Portester 2 - I work in a matchbox factory.

Teeanger (clutching on to his basket with eggs) - I work at the bus stop. I sell boiled eggs for breakfast to office-goers.

Gowarikar - And you?

Protester 3 (yells out proudly) - I am a protestant!

Gowarikar - I beg your pardon? You're a what?

Protester 3 - I am a fulltime protestant!

Protester 1 (smacks Protester 3 on the head) - Protester, you moron! Protester!

Protester 3 - Yes yes... protester. That's what I meant.

Gowarikar - But what do you mean - you're a fulltime protester?

Protester 3 - Well, I protest.

Gowarikar - For a living??

Protester 3 - Yup.

Gowarikar - Uhhh... And what do you protest against?

Protester 3 - Bollywood mostly. I protest against movies that are harmful for the impressionable junta of our nation.

Gowarikar (jumps in fury) So where the heck were you when they made Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag???? Huh huh huh???

Protester 3 - Uhhh...

Protester 1 - Gowarikar saab, us aag ko maaro goli, is aag ki baat karo! (points to half-burnt cut-out)

Gowarikar - Well, I just can't believe that of all movies, there would be protests against Jodhaa Akbar! Surely there is something deeper to it. I think it's a conspiracy. But I can't imagine who is conspiring against me and what reason he or she has to stop the movie.

Protester 2 - There is no conspiracy. There is no one person conspiring against you. It's the verdict of the junta to ban the movie.

Gowarikar - But why?? Tell me, what is the problem?

Protester 1 - The problem?? The problem is your movie!

Gowarikar - What did my movie do to you?

Protester 2 - Your movie distorts history.

Gowarikar - How??

Protester 1 - Jodhabai was not Akbar's wife. She was Salim's wife. So she was Akbar's daughter-in-law. (more here)

Gowarikar - Hainn?? And what about Anarkali?

Protester 2 - Well, there was no Anarkali.

Gowarikar - That's not what they showed in the movie Mughal-e-azam! And I think they showed Jodhabai as Akbar's wife in that movie too!

Protester 1 - Yeah, that movie distorted history too.

Gowarikar - Then why were no protests against it?

Teenager (takes an egg out and starts peeling it) - I wasn't born then na.... ha ha ha!

Gowarikar (glares at the teenager and then at the eggshell pieces on his carpet) - But you were born when Asoka released. Did you watch Asoka??

Teenager - Of course! I watch all Shah Rukh movies!

Gowarikar - Do you know that in history there was no scantily-clad princess Kaurwaki he was frolicking in the water with??

Teenager - Of course!

Gowarikar - Then why didn't you protest against Asoka??

Teenager (grin) - Well, Kareena looked hot...

Gowarikar - And Aishwarya doesn't?

Teenager - Nope. I've seen the promos. She's all covered up. Even the necklace she's wearing starts at her neck and ends at her waist. She could just wear only that jewellery and still look all covered up!

Protester 1 (smacks teenager on the head, the egg pops out of his hand and goes rolling under the couch) - Chup be! Bakwaas band kar! Gowarikar saab, aap matlab ki baat karo.

Gowarikar - You tell me na what the real problem is... I don't think it's just the distortion of history you're worried about. Is it a Hindu-Muslim thing?

Protester (looks horrified) - NO!

Gowarikar - Then??

Protester 2 - Well....

Protester 3 - Bol de bol de...

Protester 2 - Actually, you can continue with the movie as long as...

Gowarikar - As long as what???

Protester 3 - As long as that Roshan boy doesn't kiss Aishwarya in this movie like he did in Dhoom 2.

Gowarikar - Huh?? That's it?

Protester - Ermm... Yes. That's it. Do you know the Roshan boy wasn't invited to her wedding because of the kiss?

Gowarikar - Well, he didn't kiss himself. She was there too. Didn't she read the script before signing the movie?

Teenager - Haha! I used to be a spot boy. There is no script in hindi movies. The script is printed after the movie releases. Sometimes.

Protester 1 - Mark my words - that Roshan boy is trouble. I don't even know why you cast him as Akbar. He doesn't look like Akbar from any angle! From what I saw in my history books, Akbar was short and fat.

Gowarikar - So who do you think would have made a better Akbar?

Teenager - Someone like Emraan Hashmi maybe?

Gowarikar (sarcastically) - And according to you, Emraan Hashmi would have agreed to do a movie without a kissing scence?

Protester - Oh my! Never thought of that.

Gowarikar - Anyway, you'll be happy to know that they don't kiss in this movie!

Protester 1 - They don't??

Gowarikar - Nope.

Teenager - Damn! Why not??

Protester 2 - Because, you dhakkan, in the mughal era, they didn't kiss. Did you see any kisses in Mughal-e-Azam?

Teenager - No...

Protester 2 - There you go!

Teenager - But that could be because I didn't see Mughal-e-Azam...

Protester 1 smacks the boy on the head again.

Protestor 3 - So that Roshan boy doesn't kiss her?

Gowarikar - Nope.

Protester 2 - Okay then... we will take your leave now.

Gowarikar - Really? That's it? So I can release my movie? It was all about a kiss?

Protester 3 - Yes yes, we were very concerned about its effect on our moral values.

Gowarikar - So are you happy now?

Protester 2 - Wait... Do you promise not to introduce any last-minute kiss?

Gowarikar - I promise.

Protester 2 - Hmmm... Lagaan aur Swades ki kasam khao?

Gowarikar - Lagaan aur Swades ki kasam. I promise there will be no kiss. Are you happy now?

Protester 1 - Of course! Go ahead and release the movie. We will all watch it. What say, bhai log?

The crowd murmurs in agreement.

Everyone leaves. Gowarikar shuts the door with a puzzled expression on his face.

Protester 1 (to protestor 2) - Chal Bachchan saab ko phone laga aur bol kaam ho gaya.



venkatesan said...

I hit gold today!!!!!!!!!

venkatesan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
venkatesan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

And Silver to me!Happy Valentine's Day!!

V said...

Dont you mean:

Gowarikar - Lagaan aur Swades ki kasam. I promise there will be '(no)' kiss. Are you happy now?

Loved the twist in the ending :-)


Thisisme said...

hey happy v day!! and do i get bronze :D:D

Iday said...

'v' beat me to that!!! i think that it should be no kiss".

Funny twist at the end :)

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

The Mad Girl said...


Swathy said...

sahi hai bhai..
I am gonna giggle all the way thru the movie remembering ur blog..
loved the "punch" in the end!!sahi kick tha bhai...

Technofun said...

another good one... cant stop laughing :)

I have become ac of your blog.. (abhi fan ka zamana gaya)...

keep posting, happy blogging


shub said...

hahahahahahahahaha! your best ever of this sort! maza aa gaya! :D "From what I saw in my history books, Akbar was short and fat." lol!

mythalez said...


wat a take !!

Bivas said...

dat was "hahahahaha" :D
Akbar=short n fat is so much like the Amar Chitra Katha Comics types :-)
I wonder if thr was a Birbal in this movie, who wud play it? Ummm...maybe Aby Baby wud like to audition for the role ;-)
P.S.: Sadly tickets sold out for this week :-(

Shanks_P said...

Nice post ....
V had our discussion abt 'JA' over lunch and tried to fit in other heros for Akbar....

Salman bhai: Akbar cannot be half naked
Kisser boy: Akbar cannot kiss on screen
SRK: Akbar cannot be another 40 year old choc-boy with six pack, same reason for shayeed k also ;)

Ajay DG: Akbar cannot be expression less
AK: Akbar cannot dwarf...
Final verdict :

AB..... He got class, looks good with a beard, tall and luks like a King ...but then heroine cannot be Aish ....:D

u know the reasons ....for HR boy

Unknown said...

Nice one

Chamki said...

this comment is only about the picture on the top. The Bartender Bhai two thumbs up!
does that mean I get free drinks?


ferret said...

i would vote for this one as the best of 'sssk' reporting :)

Unknown said...

hahaaa. that was good. :-)

Anonymous said...

so funny :)

Adorable Pancreas said...


Thisisme said...

i saw jodhaaa akbar..its AMAZING..i luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv it.,,hrithik rocksssss! so does c it sash!! u will luv it!

Prats said...

Awesome..... Zimplllly Loved it.

Bivas said... tickets at the last minute...what happened next was:
'We went, we saw and we liked it!'
3hrs 20 min is a tad long but I guess the grandeur is simply breathtaking :-)
Loved the Indianised version of Mr.& Mrs.Smith (watch it and u will know what I mean)...something to look out for.
Movie is definitely worth watching at least once.

Directhit said...

sayesha - ur post has made ashutosh not keep a much needed kiss in that post sword fight scene - so bad of you ;-)

V said...

Unrelated: Is there a way to subscribe to the comments along with the post in Google Reader?

Tejal said...

awesomeeeeeeeeee post!!!!
i dont understand WHY they protest so much bout movies?? do they protest bout villages not havin electricity till now? do they protest bout ppl dyin bcoz Raj Thackrey said some whimsical thing? burnin effigies blah blah.. i've never seen mallika sherawat type effigies burnin.. so wat exactly r they complainin bout?
*whacks the protesters with newspapers rather harshly* :P
loved the part wich said- i protest for a living :D
greatttt post!

Sayesha said...

#Mr. Venkatesan,
Congrats! :D

#Mrs. Padma,
Congrats to you too! :D

Yes yes! Corrected it! Thanks for pointing it out! :P

Bronze toh gaya re! Rusted iron chalega? :P

Ufff... all the men are nit-picking! :P

#The Mad Girl,
Thanks! :D

Tell me the review after you watch it! I'm still in two minds. :)

#Technofun aka ac,
Thanks! :))

Hehehe! Thanks! :P


//I wonder if thr was a Birbal in this movie, who wud play it?

Apna Circuit, aur kaun??? :D

Hahahaha! Nice analysis there! :D

//AB..... He got class, looks good with a beard, tall and luks like a King

Hainn?? He looks good with a beard?? I thought he looks like a chor! Oopar se woh hairband. Ya allah!

Thanks. :)

Everyone gets free drinks at Bhai's bar. :)

Hehe... SSSK khush hui! :P

Thanks! :)

Thanks! :)

#Adorable Pancreas,

Oye! Sach bol rahi hai na?? Yeh toh nahin ki paise barbaad hue isliye paying it forward? :P :P I will really go and watch it, you know! Faaltu hui toh teri khair nahin! :/

Thanks! :)

You liked it too??? Hmm... lagta hai dekhna padega... and I read about the Mr. & Mrs. Smith wala scene! :)

Muahahaha! *evil grin* Aakhir impressionable junta ka sawaal hai... aise dusht scenes toh kaatna hi chahiye! :D

Uhh... techsupport aka Viv is not at home. Please try again later. Your call is important to us. Please try again later. :P

Hehe... thanks! :D

Priya Arun said...

ROFLOL! when the movie started in Amitabh's voice it felt like he was baby-sitting his daughter-in-law :-D now we know the truth behind the conspiracy.. very good..

P.S: One is curious about that egg which rolled under the couch. ;-)

Lavs said...

Utterly Butterly hilarious. Keep up the good work.

asuph said...

ha ha ha! thanks for giving us the real reasons behind the scandal. i suspected it had to do something with AB ;-).

Vaijayanta Chattoraj said...

Satish Kaushik or Tiku Talsania would be the best Akbar as they are short and fat. lol. Very humerous post Sayesha.


Vaijayanta Chattoraj said...

Satish Kaushik or Tiku Talsania would be the best Akbar as they are short and fat. lol. Very humerous post Sayesha.


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Anonymous said...

hey nice post! luv hrithik roshan
and regarding the previous post? do u know chinese lol