Sayesha on the rocks

Peeling guilty?

2012-01-23T15:01:00.008+08:00

So today is the first day of the Chinese New Year and hence a public holiday. Viv is home and I am so glad because we have a long list of to-do items. Xena's clothes are in the wash and need to be hung to dry, her bottles need to be washed and sterilised, she needs to be fed, lunch needs to be cooked and had, packing for Perth needs to be started, the itinerary needs to be finalised, etc. etc. As I get ready to cook lunch, Viv asks me what he can do to help. I am thrilled because my Mondays are never like this. Usually it's just Xena and me, and frankly speaking, she's not that good at hanging her clothes to dry or washing and sterilising bottles or cooking lunch or packing or finalising itineraries.

It's already 11:30 am so I want to get lunch cooked quickly so we can focus on the rest. I think of how he can help me with lunch.

"Do you like to peel garlic?" I ask.

"No." is his (very prompt) answer.

Fine. That's fine. I had asked him if he liked to peel garlic. Well, he doesn't like to peel garlic. Fair enough.

"Can you peel the garlic?" I rephrase my question.

"Uh." is his (a little less prompt than before) answer.

Hmmm. Okay. Deep breath. I can handle this.

"Hmmm, ok. If you don't want to peel garlic, that's fine. You can just do something else. Why don't you feed Xena? It's time for her puree." I ask.

He jumps at the chance. He is experienced with bottle-feeding and is confident of doing this. And it means he gets to spend time with Xena and that's always fun. More fun than peeling garlic for sure. So I give him the puree, and explain what to do, including the arrangement of the spoons ("You give her one spoon so she thinks she is in control, but you feed her with the other spoon."), and explain about the back-up if she rejects the puree ("Let her gum on a piece of apple and a piece of Baby Bites.") and how to administer the Baby Bites ("Each pack has two, you eat one in front of her and give her the other one.") and the final step ("Of course, you will need to eat what she doesn't finish.")

I enter the kitchen and start peeling the garlic, singing "Aa dekhen zara..."

The following is a list of what I hear while I'm in the kitchen, every two minutes or so.

"Okay baby, try some puree. It's yummy!"

"This is your spoon, ok? Hold it."

"Uhh... she is completely rejecting the puree!!"

"Try it, baby. It's niiiiice!"

"She's not even opening her mouth!"

"Okay, let's put the puree in YOUR spoon and try."

"Oh no! She threw her spoon away!"

"Baby baby, what are you doing? No no no no no!"

"Oh my god what a mess!"

"Now she's pulling the hair on my legs! Oww!"

"Ok ok, try this apple now."

"She threw it! Now what??"

"Okay okay, papa and baby are going to have Baby Bites together!"

"Um... What do I do if she bites a big piece off the Baby Bites??"

"Ok, I am going to dip the Baby Bites in the puree and give her!"

"I dipped it in the puree and it got soggy and broke off!"

"Oh noooo...."

"BABY!!! What are you doing????"

"What is she doing????"

"Why is she doing this???"

"Oh noooo it's ALL OVER THE PLACE!"

"She can't climb out of the bumbo seat by herself yet, right? I need to go get a washcloth!"

Soon enough, I hear cries of help. Not so much from Xena as from her papa. I come out of the kitchen and assess the situation. She has obviously given him a tough time -- she has not eaten anything at all, has puree all over herself, has thrown away whatever she could get her hands on, and finally and most importantly, thrown up on him. He looks helpless and distressed.

"So... how was your first experience feeding her puree?" I ask.

"Uh."

Moral of the story: when your wife asks you to peel garlic... you'd better man up and peel garlic.

Catch-up #1

2012-01-17T23:10:00.012+08:00

So here I am, playing catch-up with the bar again.

I suddenly realised three very strange things: (1) I did not write an 'Annual report' post for 2011, like I have been doing in the last few years; (2) I did not make any resolutions for 2012; and the most horrifying one (3) I wrote only 64 posts last year, wayyyyy wayyyyy below what I did in earlier years. Sheesh. Well, all of these can somewhat be attributed to all the happenings last year. The first half of my year was spent running to and fro between home and hospital, and the other half was, um, spent running to and fro between home and hospital. Oh well. I would say that it was an interesting year in general, strengthening and humbling at the same time.

2012 feels strangely different. Maybe I find it strange that I am home all the time. Or maybe the fact that I am home all the time and not minding it so much is stranger. From leading a team of 35, to reporting 24-7 to a baby is a huge change. There is definitely a sense of loss of power from being a career woman to a stay-at-home mom, but there's a different kind of empowerment. I remember my sister saying that she never once regretted quitting her job when Aishu was born, and now I know what she meant.

It feels strange to be sitting in this room, on this computer and typing this. Usually I'm on the iPad because then I can be right next to Xena. But today, I wanted to take some time off and spend it at the bar, letting my thoughts out on the iMac (yes, we're an Apple family) which actually allows me to type long sentences and paragraphs. (I can hear Viv and Xena 'conversing' in the next room -- it's hilarious.) But I figured I need to make some time for the bar every now and then, even if it's just a random catch-up post like this. Not because I want to up the number of posts, but because I really really like to blog. And as I always tell myself -- if you really really want to do something, you will really really find time for it.

In other news, two very important men in my life have majorly let me down. Relax, Dad and Viv, it's not you guys. It's my beloved Shah Rukh and my beloved Imtiaz Ali. I watched Ra.One and Rockstar on Mio TV. (That's one great thing about Mio TV. New movies come on it so fast I don't even miss going to the theatre.) And may I just say Oh.Em.Gee. Seriously, SRK, what were you thinking? I don't think I have watched a movie as bad as Ra.One in ages. And though Rockstar was a huge hit and critically acclaimed and all that blah blah, I found it terrible. I just didn't get it. In the immortal words of the Black Eyed Peas -- where is the love? When I watch a love story, I need to feel the love. I need to want the lovers to get together. In Rockstar, I couldn't be bothered. Just like Love Aaj Kal, I felt nothing for the protagonists. Maybe it was because the leading lady in both movies were so bad. I have always found Deepika Padukone the worst actress today (Sonam Kapoor is a close second), but when I saw Nargis Fakhri aka Donald Duck in Rockstar, I couldn't believe I could find an actress worse than Deepika. And with that, Raju Hirani topples Imtiaz Ali to take the top spot in my favourite directors' list. Maybe Imtiaz Ali thought he would make real actresses out of Deepika and Nargis the way he did with Kareena (you know he did), but dude, catalyst kitna bhi solid kyun na ho, reACTants barobar na ho toh ghanta reaction hoga?

All right, enough about Bollywood. Because once I start, I can't stop. Oh, just one more thing. I'm totally not looking forward to catching Don2 on TV. On second thoughts, I may just watch it to get some material for an SSSK post. And oh, I am totally obsessed with the songs from the movie Love Break-ups Zindagi. And oh oh oh, I was totally surprised to find out recently that John Abraham has an MBA! (I told you once I start, I can't stop.)

Ok ok, digress digress. Viv and I are planning a trip to Perth this month. Though Melbourne and Sydney were higher up in our holiday list, we want to take a short flight first and see how Xena does before we venture further. Our 5th anniversary is coming up, and we thought we should take a family holiday driving around Perth. (We have already delegated tasks. Xena will drink and Viv will drive. I will supervise.) This is going to be Xena's first overseas trip, and I am super kicked and super nervous. Bewdas who live in Perth or have been there, your suggestions on what we should see/do are most welcome!

Chinese New Year is coming up, and it will be a long weekend! We're planning to have a pot-luck lunch at our place with friends, followed by dumb charades using names of B (and possibly C, D and E) grade Hindi movies. Sample these -- Haseena Haathi Wali and Mita De Bindiya Utha Le Bandook. (I swear I am not making these up. These are actual movie names.)

So that's what I have been upto. Bewdas, how have you been? :)

Two of a kind

2012-01-10T15:05:00.005+08:00

Fans of Archie comics would remember that Jughead has an 'identical cousin'. When I first read that story, my reaction was "What? Identical cousins?? That's pushing it a bit too much."

Until recently, when Viv and I noticed that Xena has started displaying more and more characteristics of baby Aish, my sister's daughter.

I found a photo of Aish when she was as old as Xena is now, and put them together to compare. The whole family is going a little berserk at the striking similarities.

Music to my ears

2012-01-08T12:47:00.004+08:00

I noticed Xena trying to play a very strange set of musical instruments, but she was having a little difficulty managing them. With a little help from mommy, she put together an interesting melody. Check it out.

Does this count?

2011-12-31T00:10:00.005+08:00

Baby's first Christmas!

2011-12-25T12:31:00.003+08:00

Just for laughs

2011-12-17T21:27:00.002+08:00

If you liked this, you may like the below. :)

The warrior princess diaries - V

2011-12-14T19:34:00.016+08:00

Okie dok, long time no Xena update. (Thanks, Arun, for the reminder!)

Well, this is not so much an update as a compilation of my FB status updates (that's all the time the girl gives me, and hence the much ignored bar). So those on my FB list may find this repetitive but I figured I should compile everything in one place so that when Xena grows up, she can read it and then sue me for violation of baby privacy.

Xena recently attended her first Christmas party -- with 23 babies no less! It was quite a sight (and complete chaos) as all the mommies put all the babies on a mat on the floor for a photograph. Xena was fine and smiling until the cute Chinese baby boy next to her started hitting (on) her!

I have been feeling a lot better lately as more and more people have been commenting that she looks like me. Finally! Phew! A few months ago, everyone (and by that, EVERYONE) said that she's all Viv with no trace of me at all. No wait, some people said that she even looked like Viv's sister, Viv's father, and what not. And oh, who was that person who very annoyingly said that she even looks like Viv's grandmother but nothing like me?? Yeah, that was my mom. :/

Last month, Xena had her first solid food -- 1/1000th of a banana, and gave me a hurt "And you had kept this from me all these months??" look. But that was just the first time. Now she can't stand bananas. Or avocado. Or butternut squash. Or sweet potato. Or rice cereal. I am lucky if she eats 1 teaspoon of anything without starting her protest rally. Remember when you were a picky eater as a child and your mom used to say, "Dekhna, jab tumhaare bache honge..."? Yeah, that bad-dua actually works...

Ok, here's some advice for new moms. Before you pat yourself on the back for managing to get a big spoonful of apple purée into your baby's mouth, move your face away. Remember... babies can, will and have the right to sneeze before swallowing. It's their way of saying 'In your face!' Literally. Lil Xena is already into vandalism. She has been spray-painting mommy all over with purée at every opportunity she can get. I am seriously considering borrowing Viv's cricket helmet.

It's December, which means that finally sunny Singapore gets some good rain -- every day! Two days ago, Xena and I had a lovely mommy-baby bonding moment observing the rain pelting down on the window pane. She lost interest after a while though. I suspect it was because I started explaining to her how thunder and lightning work. Sheesh. Side effects of being a primary science book editor...

Then there was this time she was sitting on the bed (she has been sitting up without support now, and she can manage that for a few minutes) and she toppled over, and the first thing this nerd mommy said as she picked up her baby was, "Centre of mass, baby, centre of mass!"

Weather permitting, I take Xena for a walk every day. Last week, I met the world's most polite toddler during our walk. She actually asked, "Excuse me, can I see your baby, please?" and after looking at Xena, said "Thank you." and left. A friend of mine said that I should have bagged and tagged that very rare species.

Xena keeps me busy and these walks are the only form of exercise I am getting. Wait, that's not true. The rest of me may be gym-deprived but thanks to the ridiculous faces and sounds I make all day long for Xena's entertainment, my facial muscles are in top form!

Xena was busy playing with her toys and I managed to intervene just in time to prevent a Tyson-Holyfield moment. Let's just say Xena's stuffed purple elephant is sure glad that she doesn't have any teeth yet.

I am not very sure if she is teething yet, but her finger-chomping is full on. First she chomped on her own fingers. Then she chomped on my fingers. Then she made me chomp on her fingers. At one point, I considered chomping on my own fingers just to complete the circle. I finally put mittens on her hands to stop all the slurpy chomping and it was hilarious -- she looked like she was just about to take something out of the oven!

A friend of Viv's once said about babies, "It's like they download new features overnight!" Truer words were never spoken. Xena woke up one morning with the raspberry function downloaded, and now a lot of her actions are accompanied by that hilarious sound.

Speaking of new features, Xena and I had a disagreement over her bedtime and she insisted she was right. And the very next moment, she had her foot in her mouth. Muahahaha. Ok, I meant literally. Some of my Chinese and Malay friends remarked that when a baby starts chomping on his or her feet, he or she is putting in a request for a sibling. HOLY COW. Thankyouverymuch.

Viv ran the StanChart marathon this year too, and Xena and I tracked his route using the 'Find My Friends' app on the iPad. Well, I did the tracking and pointing "Look, papa is here!" and "Oh look, papa is now here!" while she just looked bored.

Were you affected by the Kolaveri phenomenon? I was! And very much so. And Xena had to suffer the consequences. (No, I didn't play it for her all the time. I did something worse. I SANG it to her all the time.)

I was once interrupted in the middle of singing a lullaby by Xena's own singing. Yep, her majesty prefers to sing her own lullabies, thankyouverymuch.

Ok, before you call child services, let me tell you that I don't always sing for her. Sometimes I play songs online for her too, especially during her massage. Once I played Kailasa, but I got THE look. I knew it. I shouldn't have started off with Sheila ki jawani.

Viv is great with her. He is in charge of her massage and bath before he leaves for work, and he bottlefeeds her after coming back from work. He sings to her and she sings back! (Hmmph!) The only thing he's not very good at is fashion designing for babies. There was this time when she spit up a bit of milk and he changed only her top. I swear she looked like Govinda in her yellow top and pink pants!

She doesn't have much hair yet, but I bought this hairband for her online, which comes with two nylon pigtails attached. It was such a riot when I put it on her. She suddenly looked a lot older! (Yes, yes, calm down, there is a picture below).

She doesn't sleep much in the daytime but calls it at a day quite early at about 6:30 pm. If I want to watch something on TV in the afternoon, she gears up to watch it too. But Viv and I have a strict no-TV policy with her, so I put a tissue box in front of her and tell her that's her TV and she watches that without complaining.

Because of her short daytime naps, I can't get much done during the day. I have to split tasks such as cooking and washing and sterilising her bottles into short chunks. However, on one memorable afternoon, she took a record 3-hour nap. I suspect she was watching a full Hindi movie in her dream. Without fast-forwarding the songs. Aakhir beti kiski hai...

Oh the luxurious life of a baby. Once Xena woke up in the middle of the night, distressed because her sleeves were too long and she couldn't see her fingers. I rolled back her sleeves, she examined (and probably counted) all her fingers and promptly went back to sleep.

She is generally a happy baby, but what I like the most is that she reserves her best toothless watermelon smile just for mommy. (What is a watermelon smile, you ask? Well, it's a smile that looks like a watermelon slice -- when the upper lip is a horizontal line and the lower lip is a semicircle.)

Can't put a name to her?

2011-11-25T10:17:00.014+08:00

It's a scene of total chaos at the Bachchans'. The Bachchan clan is in the living room, everyone talking at once. There is a punditji sitting on a mat on the floor. Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten is sitting on a branch on the tree in the garden, hurriedly taking notes.

Amitabh - Ok everybody, I have called this urgent meeting because it has become a matter of embarrassment that we don't have a name for the baby yet! So let's get cracking and decide on the name today itself.

Abhishek (beams proudly) - Pa, I have already asked everyone on Twitter to suggest names. What an idea, sirjee, huh? Bas ek do din ki baat hai, achha sa naam rakh denge.

Amitabh - Twitter?? You asked tweeple to name your baby? Cheh! This is a private affair. Hamaare ghar ki baat hai!

Abhishek (mutters under his breath) - Says the person who tweets if he pees.

A servant comes, holding the phone.

Servant (to Aishwarya) - Madamji, aapke liye hospital se phone aaya hai...

Aishwarya - Hospital se phone? What do they want now? Bol do unko... hum bill pay chuke sanam!

Amitabh (to servant) - Aur kisi ka phone uthaane ki zaroorat nahin. Not until this discussion is over. Punditji, aap hi kuchh achha sa naam bataayein?

Punditji - Yajmaan, main sochta hoon ki naam toh bache ke maa-baap ko hi rakhna chahiye. Kyun Abhishek, tumhaari kya rai hai?

Abhishek - Meri toh Aishwarya Rai hai! Heh heh!

Amitabh gives him a dirty look.

Punditji - Meri taraf se taiyaari ho chuki hai. Namkaran ka shubh muhurt bhi nikal aaya hai. Bas naam aur naamkaran kahan karna hai yeh bata deejiye, main pahunch jaunga.

Amitabh - Kahan karna hai matlab?? Duh! Twitter par, aur kahan?? Oh I see! Abhishek, zara punditji ka account khulwa dena twitter par...

Punditji (looks lost) - Jee? Twitter? Yeh kaun sa mandir hai? Yajmaan, naamkaran toh mandir mein kiya jata hai...

Amitabh - Twitter mandir hi hai, punditji. Wahan par ek karod se zyada log mujhe worship karte hain... (gives a condescending look to Abhishek)

Abhishek (looks grumpy) - Pa, aap Twitter par bahut zyada regular hain is liye itne followers hain... Mujhe toh time hi nahin milta...

Amitabh - Haan haan kyun nahin, dozens of movies ke offers jo aa rahe hain!

Abhishek - Pa, jab mera career khatam ho jaayega aur main retired ho jaunga toh main bhi...

Amitabh - Toh what are you waiting for??

Jaya - Stop it, you too! Let's focus on the issue at hand! Abhishek, do you have any suggestions?

Aishwarya - I have one...

Jaya - I did not ask you. You stay out of this, my dear. Abhishek, do you have any suggestions?

Abhishek - I have one, I have one! Abhineta. The name starts with Abhi and it means 'actor'. And if acting doesn't work out, she can join politics and be a 'neta'! Heh heh!

Amitabh (shakes his head) - Sheesh. Sometimes it's hard to believe you're my son... Aishwarya, what did you see in him?

Aishwarya - Actually...

Amitabh - There is no need to answer that.

Abhishek - Ok, let's look at the suggestions given by some of the tweeple. Shaayad kuchh achha sa naam nikal aaye?

Amitabh - Ok fine.

Abhishek - Ok this one is from Malaika Arora. She says we should take 'Ash' from 'Aishwarya' and 'Shek' from Abhishek. Not a bad idea, huh?

Jaya - ASS SHAKE?!

Abhishek - Ahem. Ok rejected. I should have known, it's Malaika after all... Ass shake... uska toh kaam hi wohi hai...

Amitabh - SRK ne koi suggestion diya hai?

Abhishek - Haan, lekin we won't take that.

Amitabh - Why not?!

Abhishek (looks around shiftily)- Because his Ra.One did better than our Raavan. Hmmph!

Amitabh - Ok, that's a good point. And what did Karan say?

Abhishek - Karan didn't suggest a name but he has asked for dates.

Jaya - Dates? Whose?

Abhishek - Baby's. He wants to have her on his show as soon as she can speak.

Aishwarya - Koffee with Karan? You want our baby to have coffee with Karan??

Abhishek - Of course not! Arre, it's a special episode. It will be called Toffee with Karan.

Amitabh - Haan woh sab baad mein. Woh Navratan lal tel waalon ka bhi phone aaya tha. I told them baby will do the endorsement as soon as she grows some hair.

Abhishek - Oh look, Sushmita also sent a message.

Aishwarya (surprised)- Oh, she did?? What does she say??

Abhishek - She says she has reserved a place for baby in her beauty pageant training academy.

Aishwarya - Oh that's nice of her.

Abhishek - Wait, there's a PS in small font.

Aishwarya - What does it say??

Abhishek - PS: I beat you in the Miss India contest in '94, ha!

Aishwarya storms off and reaches the garden.

SSSK climbs down from the tree to get a byte.

SSSK - Aishwarya! Aishwarya!

Aishwarya - Huh?! Who are you??

SSSK - I am a reporter. Could I please just ask you one question?

Aishwarya - Finally! Please go ahead.

SSSK - So I read that you gave birth without opting for any painkillers? Why? I mean... why why why?

Aishwarya - Hmmm... I am going to answer that question not because I want to, but because in this house someone has finally asked for MY input.

SSSK - Erm... Sure...

Aishwarya - Well, I have dated Salman Khan and now I am a Bachchan bahu. What's a little physical pain compared to that, eh?

Aishwarya winks and goes back into the house, leaving SSSK gaping.

The discussion is still going strong. It's also not going anywhere.

Amitabh - We need a really really good name. Something that stands out. Something that is royal and majestic and announces the arrival of the greatest actress of all time.

Abhishek & Aishwarya - Actress??

Amitabh - Of course. She will be a very talented actress.

Abhishek - Actress toh theek hai, Pa, but how can you be so sure ki talented actress banegi?

Amitabh (exchanges a look with Jaya, leans forward and looks straight at Abhishek and Aishwarya) - Yes, I am sure. You see... talent skips a generation.

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time

2011-11-19T18:36:00.004+08:00

The designer qaidi sits alone in her cell, thinking about what she has done.

(Criminal record: Didn't finish her milk. Repeat offender. Already on parole.)

The warrior princess diaries - IV

2011-10-28T23:11:00.006+08:00

So Shub reminded me that it has been a while since I posted any updates on Xena's health. (Yes yes I know I know. The bar is increasingly becoming a reminder-based system, and all posts are baby-related. Blame Xena, not me.)

So here are some updates from the last few follow-ups Xena had at the hospital. The brain scan showed that the bleed is now smaller but it's still there. They will scan again in two months to check the size. Her heart scan showed that the 'unnatural hole' that the doctors had hoped would have closed has still not closed. They will scan again in a year's time to check on it. Her weight gain is quite slow; she is gaining about half of what regular babies gain each month. As she was very premature and had very low birth weight, some other developmental delays may occur, such as the timeline for crawling, sitting without support, etc. Let's see.

Before her heart scan, the doctor asked me, "Pacifier ready? Milk ready?" I nodded, wondering how much she was going to cry. To our surprise, not only did she not cry at all, she even held the doctor's hand and tried to guide the sensor as if saying, "Offo, this is how you do it!" The doctor and the nurse were amused to no end.

At her last blood test, the nurse was examining her hand to find a vein when she said, "Wow. So many!" I looked at her hand to see what she was talking about and saw them - poke marks from all the blood tests she had had in her ICU days. I think I counted about 19 in total on both hands. :(

Every single time she went to the hopsital, the doctors and nurses referred to her as 'he'. Sheesh. Even when she was in a PINK bodysuit! Double sheesh. So for her vaccination appointment, I made her wear a romper with words that said it loud and clear - Baby Girl.

Xena had fever after her vaccination. It was the first time she was unwell at home. It's really really scary when babies get fever. Viv and I were up sponging her, giving her paracetamol and taking her temperature every now and then. Fortunately, she was totally fine by morning and showed all signs of her usual cheerful self.

Xena outgrew two outfits. Finally. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was.

Mom has gone back and suddenly the house seems odd. I have had my parents or in-laws at home with me since January, so it seems everything has suddenly gone quiet. Xena and I do try to make as much noise as possible though. For example, we danced to Ra.One's 'Chammak chhallo' today!

There was a problem with Mom's ticket and she jokingly asked Xena to 'fix it'. Next thing we know, her departure was postponed by a week. YEAY! I told her that our little 'travel agent' had 'fixed it' and kept a nice bonus for herself -- an extra week with grandma! When I told my sister, she was horrified. "Here I am, hoping to make Aishu the President of USA, and you're calling Xena a travel agent???"

I found some home remedies on google for Mom and Dad, and Mom was so impressed. "Yeah, I have an MBBS from Google University." I told her. From that day, Mom started calling me 'Doctor' and Xena 'compounder' from that day! (You can only imagine my sister's horror when she heard this.)

I had a wonderful heart-melting moment last week. I woke up, stretched and turned to look at Xena who had been sleeping next to me, and she had also just woken up and was stretching in exactly the same way!

Speaking of waking up, Xena thinks my nose is a knob that she needs to turn at 6 am every day "in order to wake mommy up".

She has discovered that she can hold both feet with her hands and 'shows off' at every opportunity she can get.

She has learnt to pull her own hair in frustration. I suppose she figured that she had pulled almost everything off Mommy's head already, so it was time to move on to 'blacker' pastures. Luckily, she doesn't have much on her head at the moment. And I know you guys are going to ask me what I did to frustrate her thus, so here it is -- I was singing. Happy now? Hmmmph!

I caught her doing crunches! All right, who called her fat??

She has started a new trick of giving 'taal' by beating her palm on my hand, as if she is singing some major Indian classical piece.

Remember how our moms used to say, "You will understand when you have your own kids." at every opportunity they got, and we never took it seriously? Well, from experience, it's true. You start to see the world and your life in a completely new light once you have a kid. And the biggest change that I have noticed is that even though I had always been terribly close to Mom, now I appreciate her so so SO much more.

A bundle of laughs

2011-10-27T23:11:00.005+08:00

Xena's 12-step guide to project management

2011-10-20T22:10:00.008+08:00

On speaking terms

2011-10-19T22:21:00.005+08:00

After a week of trying to teach Xena to say the preferred "Mama" and "Papa", this is the result. She said "Amma" and "Baba" in the same, erm, "sentence".

What can you do, the gundi wants her own terms.

Behind-the-scenes / The-making-of video

My word!

2011-10-07T09:33:00.002+08:00

Check out the first set of tiles I got in a game of Words With Friends. :D

The warrior princess diaries - III

2011-09-29T19:48:00.012+08:00

No no no, I haven't completely forgotten about the bar. It has been at the back of my mind along with the 383846458292846585 other things I have promised myself I would do something about as soon as Xena gives me some time. And here I am.

My dad is now here to see baby Xena. Which also means that he and my mom will leave soon. She has been here for almost two months, and Dad always gets here towards the tail-end of her visits because his third kid -- his garden -- cannot be left unattended for more than two weeks. Hmmph! I was totally getting used to chai and gupshup with mom and Xena (just to be clear -- no chai for Xena, gupshup only).

Speaking of my dad, he has gone nuts. Coconuts to be precise. He has a cough so he has quarantined himself for a few days before he can play with Xena, so he spends his time on the beach picking up coconuts to plant in his backyard! There are now four very large coconuts next to his suitcase that he looks lovingly at every day, while Mom shakes her head in disbelief. (Okay, it's very strange to be blogging about him knowing that he will be on this very computer in a few hours reading this and saying, "Arre you blogged about me??")

Dad also said that he is extremely amused that his 'wild, carefree and happy-go-lucky daughter' is now 'a responsible mother'. (His words, not mine.)

I do know what he means though. Sometimes I myself can't believe that Viv and I are parents. Maybe it was because of all that we went through or the fact that she came to us two months earlier than expected, but sometimes we just look at her and ask each other, "Oh my goodness, did we really make this one?" But then there are moments when I totally feel like a mother, like when she sees me and gives a sudden smile, or when I am making the bed and I see her tiny pillow tucked between Viv's and mine, or when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water and see her stroller in a corner of the dining room, or when I am folding her laundry and I hold up a tiny sock, totally amazed.

Oh. Em. Gee. Dad cracked what I believe is his first ever Bollywood joke! That too involving Xena! "Xena isi ka naam hai." He declared.

The very musical Xena woke me up this morning by reaching out and strumming my lips as if they were guitar strings. Seriously, there is no better alarm clock than a baby who wants to play at 6 in the morning every day.

I read that babies laugh hysterically if you rip paper in front of them. I verified this successfully. Xena laughed so loudly my mom actually got a little scared and asked me to stop. Unfortunately, it was a one-time offer only. She refused to repeat it in the same way when Viv got home. I have since torn up 373855839320274 newspapers but all I get from her is a "My mommy has gone completely bonkers" look.

Xena went to Pizza Hut! Her first outing to an air-conditioned public place (well, excluding the hospital, of course). Well, she didn't do much other than napping and throwing up (well, there has to be some drama. And that's how she marks her territory. Been there done that. Literally.) but it was a big step for our confidence in taking her out more. One of the waitresses there recognised us and said, "Oh my goodness, you had a bayyy-beee!"

I am beginning to believe that throwing up on her outfits is her way of telling me that she doesn't approve of what I make her wear. Ahem.

My mom has come up with this ingenious way of vomit management. Since Xena tends to throw up right after a feed when we're burping her, Mom just hands her a small plastic container and makes her sit up. It's hilarious to see her actually holding the container herself and waiting for (a) the burp, or (b) the throwing-up.

She is generally a lively kid and grins very widely when she's happy (which is most of the time). In fact, sometimes I forget that she's not a regular baby and still needs special care. She had a follow-up visit with the hernia surgeon who thinks that further surgery will most probably not be required. Touchwood. We are seeing the cardiologist next month about the hole in her heart. Fingers crossed that all goes well.

She continues to amaze me with the list of what disturbs her sleep. I was channel surfing with her sleeping on my lap when I switched to a channel that was showing 'India - A Love Story'. It's a Brazillian TV show, where Brazillian actors play Indians and these "Indians" are shown to be wearing sherwanis and maang tikaas when they go to buy vegetables. Sheesh. But that's another story. So the title song of this show is 'Beedi jalai le'! (Trust me. I am not making this up.) and it stars Himesh Reshammiya (ok I made that up.) So Xena slept through Sunidhi Chauhan yelling "Beedi jalai le!!" at the top of her voice, but woke up because I cracked a knuckle.

I read that now is about the time when she will start recognising her own name and responding to it. Oh my goodness. She has like one thousand names, 999 of them courtesy of my mom. No, I cannot disclose any of them, as your kid may be in school with my kid some day and I will not want my kid coming home to me in tears because someone told everyone at school about the embarrassing nicknames that her grandma gave her.

She is finally big enough to fit into the very pretty lehenga-choli that Shub got for her, and here's a picture of my dancing queen.

Picture perfect

2011-09-19T13:01:00.005+08:00

I was holding Xena and strolling along the beach yesterday when Clueless took this lovely picture of us that I absolutely had to stick on the bar's notice board.

Love how we are mere specks amidst nature's grandeur. :)

A nose for trouble

2011-09-18T08:55:00.003+08:00

MTV is shocking.

Shocking shocking shocking.

I got a big shock the other day, and I thought I should warn all of you out there who may unknowingly switch on the TV and see what I saw, and hear what I heard. And I think Xena did too. Oh the horror.

Lock your doors and windows. Hide your kids.

He is back.

(And no, he is not better.)

V-oil-a!

2011-09-12T15:09:00.007+08:00

Sometimes the funniest compliments come from the most unusual sources. Come to think of it, they probably never meant it as a compliment but we extracted one anyway. I remember being super thrilled when the bouncer at a casino entrance in Malaysia demanded to see proof of age before he let me in. Muahahaha! Today something similar happened.

I had taken Xena to the hospital for her follow-up with the surgeon. I also dropped by the hospital's pharmacy to pick up a bottle of MCT oil, as Xena's current bottle is running low. MCT (Medium-chain triglyceride) oil is something that helps in quick weight gain. As Xena's birth weight was very low, MCT oil had been prescribed by her doctors to help her put on weight quickly. However, you can't simply pick up a bottle of MCT oil in the pharmacy and head to the cashier; you have to order it through the pharmacist.

Me - Hi, I'd like to order a bottle of MCT oil.

Pharmacist - Sure, ma'am. For yourself or baby?

:D :D :D :D :D

A small wish

2011-09-09T18:48:00.011+08:00

Every year, I try to plan or be part of something special for Viv's birthday -- sometimes a triple surprise, sometimes a kidnapping, and sometimes just some silly poetry. This year, things have just been so hectic with Xena that I couldn't think of anything elaborate. Add to that the fact that Viv is away on work in Amsterdam.

So I decided to outsource it to Xena. (Child labour?)

Mom and I had secretly bought a 'I <3 Dad' t-shirt last week, and kept it hidden till Viv had flown off. So for his birthday, I clicked a picture of Xena in the t-shirt and sent it with a birthday wish to Viv from Xena's gmail account (of course she has one!). Needless to say, it made his day! :D

Game is up!

2011-08-27T23:10:00.010+08:00

The warrior princess diaries - II

2011-08-20T15:37:00.000+08:00

IambackIambackIambackIambackIambackIamback!!!!!

Okay, a lot has happened since the last update on the warrior princess that I posted in early July. Friends who read my blog would have read some of these updates on Facebook, but I still wanted to keep everything in one place on the blog for archiving purposes.

The big news first. I quit my awesome awesome job at the prestigious 204-year-old publisher. :( But... but... but... I have a new job. My new boss is extremely demanding, likes to play politics, makes everyone work overtime, talks nonsense, wears tiny outfits and is often spotted drinking or napping. But she is very generous with the bonus -- a huge toothless grin reserved only for her mommy. Yep, that's right. I have decided to be a stay-at-home-mommy until Xena's hospital visits and medication stop. Even though I will miss the career I had painstakingly built by breaking free from the shackles of engineering and bulldozing my way into publishing, Xena needs my company more than a company needs me. We thought long and hard about it, and decided this was the best for her. Her special needs mean that we can't place her in a childcare centre or have a nanny. Though one set of Xena's grandparents will be here most of the time, we did not want grandparenting to be so stressful for them. They should not be measuring medicines and running to the hospital and keeping note of the baby's throwing up. They have already had their share of stress in life, and should now just spend time agoo-ing with their granddaughter.

Xena is still on a lot of medication and supplements, which need to be given in very precise quantities (sample this -- 2/3rd of a 2.5-ml spoon, 8 times a day. What the...?!), and if she throws up (which she does regularly), it needs to be adjusted in the next feed. So I have to do weird calculations like this, "Hmmm... so she threw up about half of her feed, which means at the next feed, I need to add 1/2 of 2/3rd of 2.5 ml, in addition to 2/3rd of 2.5 ml. Aaaaaa!" And of course, hope that she doesn't throw up again, or I'll really need to engage the services of Shakuntala Devi.

She showed the first classic sign of being a party animal when she got drunk (on milk) and threw up in a cab. She also haq se threw up on my dear dear friend Starbreez when the latter came to visit. Well, as I said, Starbreez can now truly consider herself as family. Ladies and gentlemen, I now live in constant fear. Fear of the ultimate WMD that Xena comes fitted with -- projectile vomiting.

Xena is now outgrowing the word 'agoo'. She sure has said that a lot in the last few weeks, and now only uses it sparingly, when she's very very happy about something, such as erm, pooping. Speaking of 'agoo', when she went to the hospital for her last blood test, she smiled and chuckled at the nurse and said 'Agoo'. The nurse smiled back and the very next second poked her with a giant needle. And that is why humans learn very early not to trust one another. :|

These days she wakes us up at 5 AM with her Carnatic classical singing. We have no option but to politely listen and applaud. Sometimes I pitch in, but I get a look of disapproval. It was hilarious when Mom handed her a tiny bolster. It looked like she was playing a tanpura to accompany her singing.

I spend a lot of time thinking up novel ways to entertain her. Once I staged an intense fight (with sound effects and all) between a toy moose and a toy dog. She loved it. Viv says I am a violent mother.

Speaking of violence, Xena has now started pulling my hair with violent determination. She's like a tiny Tarzan using my hair as vines. Thousands of mothers have been bullied by infants into cutting their hair really short. I am still standing strong. Let's see.

She is still not allowed into air-conditioned crowded places, so other than her hospital visits, we only take her for short walks. We did take her to the beach once for a dinner outing, and to our surprise, she was a very well-behaved baby, interrupting the conversation of the grown-ups around her only to put in a humble request for milk.

Even though Mom is fully aware of my intense dislike for gold, she got a gold chain, bangles and get this, A RING, made for Xena. A gold ring for an infant. Ya allah! She made Xena wear everything for a picture ('only for the picture', I told her), and I just stood there shaking my head at my child who was now bearing a close resemblance to Bappi Lahiri.

Sometimes it takes an incredibly long time to put her down for a nap. I have to hold her close to me and then... I rock. (Yeah, literally and otherwise. Hehe!) Sometimes I get bored because she has already half-closed her eyes but is not fully sleeping yet. So I start reading up on the iPad about baby care. As I say, it takes more than just parents and grandparents to take good care of a baby. You need google. You definitely need google.

Even though she's a real gundi, she is reinforcing every stereotype about women. She uses tears to get her way, starves herself or throws up because she probably thinks she's too fat, and it's impossible to figure out what she wants.

Xena is quite adversely affecting my dressing sense and I am pretty sure I am gonna get arrested by the fashion police soon. She insists I only wear clothes with cartoons on them. She only finishes her bottle if she can tug at the cartoon on my T-shirt. On days when I wear 'normal' T-shirts, she gives me a disappointed look and refuses to drink milk.

It's amazing how she can sleep through the sounds of the construction next door, but wakes up crying at the rustle of a chocolate wrapper. Perhaps she is trying to tell me something in a diplomatic manner? Excuse me, missy! I have lost all 13 kgs I had put on when you were inside. I deserve my chocolate now!

Lately, she has started trying to eat her hands, even though the doctor has said no solids till she is 6 months old. It's amazing how she rejects the bottle as if she's very full, and then proceeds to chomp on her fingers. I nearly fell off laughing when Clueless referred to it as 'finger food'.

I had never thought how much work taking care of a baby is. Yes, Xena has special needs, but her regular needs are enough to keep me on my toes. I really salute the mother of twins, especially my friend Karen who is taking care of premature twins rather admirably.

On the watch

2011-08-14T08:38:00.004+08:00

Me (to mom) - So Mom, now that I am a mother too, give me some tips on good upbringing.

Mom (smiling) - Don't worry, you'll get there.

Me - No, but tell me how you managed to keep my sister and me, well, you know... morally upright, through the rebellious teenage years.

Mom (smiling again) - Well, it's too early. There's time for that.

Me (really really fishing for a compliment) - No, I mean, we were so good as teenagers. You could fully trust us. You never had to keep your eye on us all the time.

Mom (without batting an eyelid) - I had my eye on both of you all the time. You just didn't know it.

:|

Random review: Zindagi na milegi dobara

2011-08-07T20:37:00.008+08:00

My apologies to the bewdas and bewdis for my prolonged absence from the bar. I have been terribly busy serving her majesty the warrior princess 24 hours a day. Today, her papa (whose cricket match got washed out) offered to look after her, while I whisked my mom off to watch Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. And though there is tons of Xena stuff that I will be blogging about, I thought of doing up this review before I get back into the endless loop of milk and diapers. A special shoutout to Yamini for getting me back to the bar!

So here goes, my random thoughts after watching Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara:

Is it only me who keeps calling it Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara because that's how the words were arranged in the title song in 'Rock On'?

So how come someone thought of casting Hrithik and Katrina together ONLY NOW?! Gosh, what a good-looking pair! So much beauty at once... Aaaahhh! My eyes! My eyes!

Hrithik's hair is dreeeeamyyy...

I am beginning to really like Katrina as an actress. She had so many preachy lines in the movie, but she managed to pull them off quite well. Katrina, please get your Hindi diction right soon so SSSK can stop making fun of you.

Did you know that Mandi Sidhu, the girl who played Rohini, was offered the role of Latika in Slumdog Millionaire? Freida Pinto must be thanking her stars that Mandi turned down the role. (Btw, I did not like Slumdog Millionaire. At all.)

Farhan Akhtar seems to be involved in a lot of movies about friends (and their spats) - DCH, Rock On and now ZNMD.

I read an interview somewhere that Abhay Deol was the only guy not shirtless in the Tomatina festival because the stylist told him that squashed tomatoes on his hairy chest would not make a pretty sight, and he didn't want to wax his chest. Sheesh.

I can't really decide if I find Kalki Koechlin very pretty or horribly ugly. Weird, I know. :|

I LOVED the Doordarshan scene. That logo and that depressing music. Goodness.

It was really cute to have the three guys sing the Senorita song themselves. Hrithik sounded really good.

Deep sea diving, sky diving, bike-riding -- did the actors really do all that themselves or was it body doubles and effects?

Hmm... so why on earth did 'Saare jahan se achha' start playing when they were about to jump off the plane?

I liked the idea of the three guys fighting with the ghosts from their past, but the Naseeruddin Shah angle seemed a bit too 'off the story', if you know what I mean.

Speaking of Naseer, why oh why has he played that same role in so many movies? Pani puri on the house for the bewda/bewdi who can name the maximum number of movies in which Naseer has had an illegitimate child. So far, I have got four.

Repeat telecast - the sequel

2011-07-26T13:33:00.009+08:00

And this is what happens when you play too much 'Akhoo!' with your baby.

Repeat telecast

2011-07-16T20:20:00.012+08:00

I was fortunate enough to capture something very cool on video. Viv was talking to Xena and he kept saying 'Aakhoo!' in a false, high-pitched voice. Turn up the volume to hear her response. :)

Biker chick

2011-07-10T14:46:00.012+08:00

Bewdas who have been here for a while may remember the series of photo posts (here and here) I had done for my niece baby Aish. Well, Aish is now a young lady of five who would take offence at such posts. It is therefore no wonder that baby Xena has now stepped into those tiny shoes.

The 10-step guide to becoming a biker ~~chick~~ baby

by Xena the gundi warrior princess

The warrior princess diaries - I

2011-07-06T14:18:00.009+08:00

Some of you have asked me how baby Xena has been doing so I thought I'd update with a post every now and then.

Xena has now reached the regular newborn baby weight. Thanks to the supplements she is taking, she looks healthy and chubby, and has started fitting into newborn clothes. She is on six different medicines/supplements at the moment.
We have gone back to the hospital about four times since she came home, for her follow-ups. At the last visit, she met her neonatologist, physiotherapist and dietitian. Wow, check out the entourage. Sounds like she's some millionaire heiress eh? They were mostly happy with her progress, though there are still many more follow-up visits to come. She has her brain and spine scans scheduled in a month's time, and hopefully all will go well.
She has recently started very sincere attempts to eat her right hand. Strangely, her physiotherapist was elated to see that. When I asked her why, she said that premature babies have trouble bringing their extremeties to the midline of their bodies. So the fact that Xena can bring her hand to her mouth is a good sign. So if you see a crazy mother telling her baby, "OK enough of the right hand, baby, now try to eat the left hand." that would be me.
The trust issues she had as a premature baby who spent two months in the ICU are slowly resolving themselves. She is less startled when we touch her, and readily rests her head on our chests. She has also stopped sleeping with both her hands stretched out smack in front of her face (a defense mechanism in premature babies). Sometimes she does sleep in the Manoj Kumar pose though.
Contrary to what they were saying when she was in the hospital, EVERYONE now says that she looks EXACTLY like Viv. She even has his characteristics, such as an unhealthy obsession with tomatoes. (We placed a fake one in front of her and you should have seen how excited she got.) Now I try to look for the tiniest of things she got from me. So far, I have got 1) chin, and 2) rate of growth of fingernails.
It is hilarious when Viv turns her feeding bib around so it becomes a cape, and makes her 'fly' through the air. She does look like a miniature Superman then. He also likes to move her legs so it looks like she is running very fast, and then says, "This is Flash Gordon in slow motion."
When Xena drinks milk, she likes to do a rowing action with her right hand. Viv calls it her 'right arm fast - delivery stride', whatever the heck that means.
She loves her bathtime and has clearly indicated that she prefers her bathtub to her crib. I can't wait for the day she goes swimming with her mommy.
She has started to make some sounds other than crying. Her first word was 'Agoo'. My friend Reghu thinks she was caling him. I actually agree. Her second word was 'Igoo' and her third was 'jing', which reminded me of the saying 'Duniya ka har teesra bacha Chinese hota hai.' Yesterday, she said her fourth word - 'hoey'. I think she was calling her Uncle Joey in Spanish.
She really likes to look at the ceiling and walls for some reason. We may thrust our faces in front of her all day, but she will find a way to squirm and look past (our ugly mugs?) and gaze at the ceiling and walls. I think she will grow up to become an artist and is currently surveying her canvas?
So far, she has only stepped out of the house to go to the hospital and the ICA. Recently, we took her for a short walk downstairs. While we were busy pointing out the trees, plants, flowers and butterflies to her, she was looking at - you guessed it - the sky!
I believe she will never forgive Viv and me for the photo on her passport. She looks like a fat, unhappy boy in it.
Her paternal grandmother (paati in tamil) is visiting us now. I crack some really bad jokes on that. For example, 'Xena is the life of the paati'. When I put Xena in mom-in-law's arms, I tell her that it's now 'paati time', and she is entering the 'paati zone'. Once, Xena and I were walking around looking for her and we couldn't find her. I started singing, "Where's the paati tonight?" I pity Xena for the jokes she is forced to listen to, both from her papa and mama.
And finally, a picture (didn't think the bewdas would let me get away without one). Zillion thanks to Shub for taking this picture with her big fancy camera last night!

Out of the picture

2011-06-30T12:02:00.002+08:00

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) gets a call from an association called 'Hindi Chalchitra Hindi Kalakar' -- a bunch of folks protesting the presence of 'phoren' actresses in Hindi movies. They have approached the powers that be and got permission to have these actresses go through a Hindi test, and only those who pass it would be allowed to work in Hindi movies. They selected SSSK to administer the test because they wanted, in their own words, "someone cheap and jobless". Ahem. The invites have already been sent out to affected actresses, and the date, time and venue have been fixed. SSSK quickly gets to creating the test questions.

On the day of the test, SSSK is stationed at the registration table when the folks from the association arrive. They collectively frown at the large banner that SSSK has put up. The banner says:

HINDI QUALIFYING TEST FOR HINDI MOVIES
PROUDLY BROUGHT TO YOU BY
THE HITCH-HIKER'S ASS

So they ask SSSK, "What on earth is that? What is hitch-hiker's ass??"

"Oh, I wanted to put something which the actresses would understand," says SSSK. "'Hindi Chalchitra Hindi Kalakar' kind of shortens to 'Hitch-hiker'. Besides, it is symbolic, isn't it?"

"Symbolic?" They ask.

"Oh yes! Since these actresses are kind of hitch-hikers who have hitched a ride on the Bollywood bus, it just makes sense, no?"

"Hmm... But what about the ASS?? What's that??" They ask.

"Oh I wanted to put 'association' but I ran out of space so I had to stop at 'ass'. And... this is symbolic too!" She says proudly.

"The ass is symbolic??"

"Oh yes. These people can't speak Hindi but act in Hindi movies. They only made it to our movies because of their good-looking asses, no?"

Various forms and stages of amusement, awe, confusion and disgust appear on their faces. Nevertheless, they walk in and take their seats.

A pretty actress walks up to the registration table.

SSSK (taking out her notepad and pencil) - Name, please.

Pretty actress - Jacqueline.

SSSK - Hold on, let me write that down. D-R-Y-C-L-E-A-N.

Jacqueline - Dryclean?? Excuse me, I am not Dryclean. I am Jacqueline. Jacqueline Fernandez. Former Miss Sri Lanka. I am in the new Murder movie.

SSSK - Ah ok. Sorry sorry. Please take your seat.

Another pretty actress walks in.

Giselle - Hi, I am Giselle.

SSSK (writes down laboriously) - G-CELL. Hehe! Your name sounds like a battery, no?

Giselle (gives SSSK a dirty look and proceeds to her seat) - It's Giselle. Giselle Monteiro.

SSSK - Next!

Barbara - Hi, I am Barbara. Barbara Mori.

SSSK - Heh heh! Barbara Mori, main nahin maakhan khayo...

Barbara - Excuse me?!

SSSK - If you knew Hindi, you'd get the joke. Sigh...

Barbara takes her seat just as Katrina Kaif walks in, looking furious.

Katrina - Why am I here??? Why do I have to take the test? I have worrrked in so many Hindi movies!!

SSSK - Memorising the dialogues is a different thing, Katrina. This test is for your knowledge of Hindi.

Katrina - Oh please. Mera Hindi achi hai. Mujey yahin test kar lo?

SSSK - Ok fine. Katrina, tum shuddh Hindi mein ek vaakya ka nirman karo.

Katrina (aghast) - Wha... What shuddh... Vaakya... Nirma... You mean the deterrrgent powderrr?

SSSK - I rest my case. Please take your seat.

Katrina takes her seat, fuming.

The test begins.

SSSK - This is a buzzer round. I will name some Hindi movies and you have to tell me what the name means. Whoever presses the buzzer first will get to answer first. Twenty points for the correct answer, minus ten for the wrong answer.

The actresses exchange puzzled looks with one another.

Barbara - Buzzer? Where's the buzzer? All we have in front of us are steel plates and spoons...

SSSK - Ah yes, that is the buzzer. Our budget is a little low, you see...

The actresses roll their eyes but quickly pick up the plates and spoons.

SSSK - Hmm... so the first move name is 'Nagin'. If you know its meaning, press the buzzer NOW.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - I know! I know!

Other actresses look at her jealously.

SSSK - Very well, Jacqueline. What does 'nagin' mean?

Jacqueline (confidently) - It means "Don't count." Correct??

SSSK (makes a face) - Minus ten.

Jacqueline (indignantly) - But... but... Na gin... Don't count...

SSSK - Next word - Aatish.

Barbara (clangs plate) - Ummm... I know this one!

SSSK - Excellent. So what does Aatish mean?

Barbara (confidently) - An incomplete sneeze!

SSSK (rolls her eyes) - Minus ten. Next word - Parampara.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one. It's the sound made by a trumpet!

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Rajnigandha.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Uhhh... It is when superstar Rajnikanth forgets to bathe...?

Some of the association folks look horrified.

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Khandaan.

Katrina (clangs plate) - Of course I know this one. It's what Salman donated to the Being Human foundation. Khan daan.

SSSK - Sigh... Minus ten. Next word - Baghban.

Giselle (clangs plate) - Ummm... When you are disallowed entry into a garden 'cos you plucked the flowers?

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Banaras.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Easy-peasy. It means "Make juice."

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Bemisal.

Barbara (clangs plate) - Countries that signed the nuclear non-proliferation treaty?

SSSK - What?! Oh! Be-missile... Hmmm... creative, but still minus ten. Next word - Dastak.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one! My Hindi teacher says "Dastak gino" all the time. Dastak means 'until ten'!!!

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Hawalaat.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one! I was trained in Brazillian kickboxing. It means kickboxing. Hawa laat.

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Naraaz.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Ha! I know this one! I am starring in Raaz 3 you see. Naraaz means 'no secrets'.

SSSK - Sigh. Mere Bollywood ka kya hoga... Last word - Qurbani.

Katrina (clangs plate) - I know this! I go for it all the time, especially before the release of some of my movies.

SSSK - WHAT??!!

Katrina - Yup, at the gurrrudwarrra.

SSSK - Qurbani at the gurudwara????!!!!!!

Katrina - Yeah. It's soothing, isn't it?

SSSK (almost falls off her chair and then has a sudden realisation) - OH!!!! You mean gurbani. PHEW!!!! AND... MINUS TEN!!!

Katrina - But I answerrred corrrectly... Didn't I?

SSSK (ignores her) - Okay, it's the end of the quiz. And all of you have flunked it. Hopeless. HOPELESS!! I want to disqualify all of you but I have been asked to pass at least one. Just so the Hindi Movies Dubbing Association (also known as DubAss) won't lynch me for taking away their jobs. I'll give you one last chance. Each of you write down the names of 5 hindi movies and remember to spell them correctly. The one who scores the most will pass.

Barbara, Jacqueline and Giselle whisper amongst themselves. "Not fair... Katrina has been around for so long... we are newbies..."

SSSK (eavesdrops) - Remember, the spelling is key. You have to spell it exactly the way it is spelt in the movie.

SSSK tears a sheet off her notepad for each actress. She clangs a plate and they get busy writing. SSSK walks around, invigilating. The actresses are nervously trying to remember the names of the movies mentioned in the buzzer round. Jacqueline has written one word 'Nagin'. Giselle is trying hard to spell 'Parampara'. Barbara has written 'Be-missile'.

At the end of the test, SSSK collects the 'test papers' and quickly marks them. Katrina Kaif is announced the winner. Apparently she has aced the test. Katrina punches the air and leaves the room. The association folks and SSSK also leave.

The other actresses gather to discuss. "How did she ace the test?? Even if she managed to think of 5 Hindi movies, how did she get the spelling right???? With all the numerology stuff, it's not easy to spell the names of Hindi movies anymore!"

Suddenly they spot the test papers still lying on SSSK's desk. They make a mad dash for Katrina's sheet and find the following written on it:

Race
Welcome
Blue
New York
Partner

True colours

2011-06-28T19:39:00.002+08:00

I dress Xena in blue as much as pink (and whatever other colours I can find in her size.). We were at the ICA today and she was in a blue top, with a white and blue swaddle. A lady, who had been looking at her for a while, turned to me and said, "Oh, what a handsome boy! "

"Thank you," I said. "It's a girl though."

"Oh!" She said, "What a pretty girl!"

Rhyme and reason

2011-06-21T22:10:00.002+08:00

Xena has finally finished her homework given by Mom-Bhai -- that of writing down ten nursery rhymes. Here they are:

Twinkle twinkle little star
I have entered mommy's bar
I will charge hafta so high
Her bewdas will cry and cry!

Baa baa new bewda
Have you any hafta?
The bar now has cover charge
which I will take rafta rafta!

Baby Xena
Yes Papa!
Charging hafta?
No Papa!
Open your fist, what are you hiding?
*Opens fist* Ka-ching ka-ching!

Pussy cat pussy cat
Where have you been?
I have been to the bar
And then an ATM machine.
Pussy cat pussy cat
What did you do there?
I paid hafta at gunpoint
If you're going there, beware!

Little Miss Xena
Was having her dinner
Of spicy pani puri
Along came a bewda
And eyed her dinner, aha
So she crushed him in fury.

Little Bo Peep
Has lost all sleep
'Cos Xena took all her sheep
As the hafta was too steep.

Humpty Dumpty sat on Xena's wall
No wonder they got into a brawl
All of mommy's bewdas
And all of mommy's bouncers
Couldn't put Humpty together at all.

Hickory Dickory Dock
A punch, a kick, a sock
Xena struck only one
And that too in fun
But all of the gundas ran away in shock.

I hear thunder
A bigtime gunda
Oh do you, oh do you?
Dhishoom dhishoom punches
Dhishoom dhishoom punches
'Cos she knows kung-fu.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To meet the Bhai's daughter
Both fell down
And left the town
After watching the scene of slaughter.

For cryin' out loud

2011-06-16T19:50:00.001+08:00

Xena has been home for about 3 weeks and I believe I have deciphered most of her cries. Here's what I think they mean.

1. I'm hungry!
2. I'm hungry! Again!
3. I'm hungry! Again! (Don't give me that incredulous look. I'm a baby, what do you expect?)
4. I'm sleepy.
5. I need a diaper change. Not that I have done anything, but I would like it changed, thank you.
6. I miss my papa, is he working late today?
7. I don't care if it's 3 am. I want to be held.
8. I'm bored. (Of course we newborns get bored!)
9. I just sneezed/coughed/farted/peed/pooped/burped/puked so I need to cry.
10. I can't believe you left the room; I was only pretending to sleep!
11. Are you guys laughing at me?!
12. Please change the playlist. I can't take it anymore.
13. Please stop singing, mommy.
14. You, papa, should never sing. Ever. You don't even know the lyrics to nursery rhymes!!
15. Please don't address me by that ridiculous nickname. How will I show my face to my baby friends??
16. Why is everyone around me sleeping?
17. Please don't make me wear this. Contrary to what you think, it is not cute.
18. No camera, please.
19. Hello??!!! A phone camera is also a camera!!
20. Please don't touch my hair, you're messing up my 'do.
21.The swaddle is either too loose or too tight, I don't know which one it is.
22. Take off the swaddle, I want to sleep without it!
23. You put me to nap without a swaddle?! Of course I'll wake up in 30 seconds and cry!
24. I am a very busy person and I just had a long, tiring day.
25. I started crying and I don't quite remember why, but I am a girl of principle and hence I shall continue crying.

Got milk?

2011-06-14T18:23:00.002+08:00

So we went to the hospital yesterday for Xena's surgery follow-up. After we had seen the surgeon, we dropped by the special care nursery to pick up the last batch of frozen breast milk (some 20 bottles) that we had delivered while Xena was there and that she had not consumed. From there, we went to the ICA to sort out Xena's immigration status (yep, she is still considered a social visitor until she gets a passport/IC).

Viv was in the queue and I was sitting in the waiting area when Xena started crying. I had got a bottle of milk for her, but I was finding it a bit hard to open the milk bag while holding her. Seeing my predicament, a lady who was just leaving, offered to open the bag and take out the bottle. She opened it, handed me the bottle, and left. But not before giving the strangest look, first to me, and then to Xena. Oh well, I thought, she is really tiny, and sometimes people do give us strange looks.

It was only when I was putting the bottle back that I realised what had happened.

She has seen the 20 bottles of milk at the bottom of the bag.

Somewhere, a lady is probably blogging about the strange woman she met at the ICA who seriously overestimates her tiny baby's appetite.

:|

Spot the difference

2011-06-13T21:09:00.004+08:00

So Viv had to go to the US for a week on work and returned last night. I asked him if he noticed anything new/different about Xena. Since I stare at her face for 23 hours and 30 minutes a day, it's hard for me to tell if she now has fuller cheeks or more defined features, etc. etc. I figured that he had not seen her for a week so he would be able to spot any differences.

"So? Anything new?" I asked.

He stared at her face for a few seconds and then said jubilantly, "She has eyebrows!!!!!!"

Collateral damn-age

2011-06-11T11:09:00.002+08:00

Now I am generally not the "Why me???? Why only me???? Why not them??????" kind of a person, but recently a situation presented itself before me that made me say these very words.

Recently, my niece Aishu celebrated her 5th birthday. Mom, who is in the US now to see her freshly-minted grandson, was giving me the low-down on the phone. Aishu had had a lot of people wishing her and asking her how old she was. "I am FIVE years old!" She declared. In jest, my mom asked her, "And how old is your mom?" She looked lost for a while and then came up with what she considered a number much bigger than five.

"Ummm... Mom is fifteen years old." She said.

"And your Dad?" Asked my mom, after she was done laughing.

"Hmm... Eighteen."

The rising levels of amusement around her and the fact that nobody was correcting her was making her more and more confident, so her answers started coming in thick and fast.

"How about grandma?"

"Grandma... Twenty-four years old."

"And grandpa?"

"Twenty-seven years old."

"How about Mausi?"

"Mausi? Thirty years old."

:|

No seriously, why me???? Why only me???? Why not them?????

Get a grip

2011-06-10T19:05:00.004+08:00

Air apparent

2011-06-09T17:05:00.008+08:00

As a new parent, one of the first things you learn in Baby101 is the importance of burping the baby. Yes, that bodily function which when performed by a grown-up in public earns dirty looks, is a vital part of feeding a baby. Tiny bubbles of air in your little one's stomach can cause much discomfort for the baby and heartbreak for you to watch her suffer. It is for this reason that you must learn as quickly as you can, the art of burping a baby. It is a real art form, and technique is king. Pat the baby's back too gently and all you'll get is a dirty look from your little one ("You can't burp a baby??? Epic fail!"), but pound too hard and you'll have a merlion situation at your hands.

So today Xena was in one of those cranky modes where the skies erupt and the earth trembles and I pull my hair out. I was very distressed. I had bathed her, fed her, changed her diaper, held her, and done everything I could think of. But she just kept crying. And that's when I wondered if she needed a second round of burping. Now my technique of burping her is a little different, especially when it's burp round 2. I hold her upright in my arms and walk around the house in a sort of fierce dance mode -- something that looks like a cross between tap dancing and bhangra, and something that amuses my mom-in-law to no end. Viv, however, thinks it looks like Haka. Yes, the traditional war dance from New Zealand. Sheesh.

So I did the tap/bhangra/haka for a few minutes and suddenly out came this industrial-grade ~~burp~~ BURRRRPP!!!

There was complete silence for a few seconds. And then the sun shone and the breeze blew and the birds chirped and everything was all right with the world. Xena looked at me and blinked her eyes innocently, as if she had nothing to do with what had just happened.

The first words that came out of my mouth were, "Kyun re shyani, nikal gayi teri saari hawa?"

Whooops. Occupational hazard. Too early to teach her the stuff?

I know I know. I have got to stop behaving like a Bhai and start behaving like a mother!

Hospital-ity

2011-06-05T11:56:00.009+08:00

Note: Thanks to all bewdas for the overwhelming number of comments on the 3-part Xena posts. It was especially heartening to see such a large number of lurkers/first-time commentators sending their good wishes to the gundi. Please pardon the delay in responding to the comments. I have just finished replying to the emails I received. I will, of course, be responding to every comment.

***

More snippets from Xena's and my hospital stay

- Since I was in the hospital for a month with not much to do, I got really friendly with the nursing students. I remember one particular pair that had just started their internship that day. As expected, they were not given anything important to do. They were so bored they would come by and chat with me every few hours. "We have nothing to do!" They would lament. The next evening, they popped by my bed, looking super excited. "I reckon someone gave you some work?" I asked. "YES!" They said. "We just changed the diapers of TWO babies!" They said, almost breathless with excitement. I was so amused. Talk about crappy jobs!

- I hated the hospital food. But the good thing was that you could actually order the kind of food you wanted (Chinese, Malay, or Indian), so I kept trying different combinations to see if I would finally get something to my liking. I didn't, but one fine morning, I took the lid off my "Indian vegetarian" breakfast and almost fell off the bed with delight. Luckily the gazillion probes and sensors that bound me tightly to the bed prevented me from falling off. One of the medical students attending to me that morning stopped in the middle of his speech, eyed my plate enviously and said, "Is that pav bhaji????" Muahahahahahaha!

- The babies in the special care nursery had name tags on their cots. All babies were identified by their mothers' names, but there was a blank for the baby's name too which parents could fill if they wanted. The baby boy next to Xena actually had 'Superman' on his tag! I am not kidding you. We found out later that he was one of twins and the father had temporarily named them 'Superman' and 'Batman' for their SCN tenure.

- During one of the classes we took on caring for premature babies, the speaker wanted to say, "All visitors must wash their hands before touching the baby." He ended up saying, "All visitors must wash the baby before touching the baby." It looked like only Viv and I got it. Needless to say, we nearly fell over laughing in the middle of the class.

- Just before my surgery, the anesthetist held a slab of ice somewhere on my skin to check if sensation had indeed gone off and the surgery could start. "Sayesha," he asked, "Can you feel that?" I responded with a "Feel what? Where?" He laughed his head off and then said, "Okay then, that settles it. We'll begin."

- One of the cleaners in the ward took a real liking towards me. And like many people, she assumed that just because I am Indian, I could speak Tamil. She would talk to me nineteen to the dozen in Tamil and I'd pick up key words and nod along. She was really surprised to see me stay for so many days and one day she told me something strange. From the keywords and gestures, I guessed that either she was talking about someone who ran away from the hospital or she was advising me to run away from the hospital (an option which I did consider at one point). Anyway, I nodded along. The next day she came in, looked at me and said, "Still here?" Hmm.. So I reckon she had asked me to run away then?

- During kangaroo care, Xena would move her hands and legs a lot. One day, the alarm started beeping very loudly because her heartbeat was showing a very low number. DONG DONG DONG! went the alarm. The nurse came running, took one look at the number on the screen and immediately picked up the baby to check what was happening. It turns out the naughty girl had nicely peeled off the heart rate probe from her chest and stuck it -- guess where? On my chest! The nurse couldn't stop laughing.

- In a similar 'pin the probe' game, she had stuck it on her diaper. This time it was a doctor who noticed the strange numbers and checked. "Oh so that's the diaper's heart rate!" Both of us said at the same time! Heh heh! A doctor after my own heart.

- When Xena was moved out of the incubator into a cot, she was finally given some clothes to wear. All this while she had just been in a diaper. They put on what they called a 'baju' (Malay for 'shirt/top'). She was still so tiny that the baju reached her ankles, making her look very much like Yoda. I could totally imagine her rolling her eyes and saying, "Fashionable this is not."

- Once in a while, they also put on a cap for her. There was this one particular cap that came in a ghastly shade of orange, which was probably meant for an XXL baby. It was so big for Xena that they had to roll up the edge like a thousand times before it fitted her head. I swear she looked exactly like Shah Rukh Khan in Paheli.

A familiar beat

2011-06-03T10:06:00.005+08:00

During the six times that I was wheeled to the delivery suite, I met some of the nurses again and again. Most would recognise me as 'that crazy case' and welcome me back so I was erm, kind of getting spoilt.

However, there was this one nurse who didn't recognise me even though she was attending to me for the second time that week. I was feeling a bit disappointed and almost said, "Remember me? The crazy case?" But I controlled myself. Anyway, she was hooking me to the CTG machine to record the baby's heartbeat. As usual, gundi Xena was using the walls of mommy's womb as her personal trampoline and it was very difficult to put the probe on a single spot on my tummy and 'catch' her to get the heartbeat. The nurse tried for a full 10 minutes (it usually takes about 10 seconds), and then looked at me for a while, showing faint signs of recognition. "Ah!" I thought, "Finally she recognises me!"

But she didn't say anything to me and I was disappointed again. I figured she saw thousands of faces every day so it was understandable that she wouldn't remember a particular one. She turned to try and locate the baby again. Once again, Xena gave her a tough time. Finally the nurse looked at me, grinned widely and said, "OH!!!!!!! THIS baby?! I know THIS baby!!!"

You don't say

2011-06-02T06:57:00.001+08:00

So I decided to compile a list of marriage/pregnancy-related things people have said that have come across as insensitive, inconsiderate or just plain annoying. I am more than certain that they didn't mean it to be this way, so I thought it would be best to put them all together so we don't unknowingly end up saying any of these to others. Feel free to use the comments space to add on annoying stuff you have come across!

- Let's start from the beginning. When you meet a newly married couple, do not say, "So how is married life treating you?" Trust me, married people hate that question. It's really stupid, cliched and don't even get me started on the phrasing. You'll find that it's always single people who ask that question. Married people never ask other married people that. Because they know how annoying it is.

- You have no right to ask anyone when they plan to have a baby. Trust me, there is no polite way of asking. All versions of that question are rude, and should not be asked.

- Just because you had a baby as soon as you got married doesn't mean that is everyone else's plan.

- Do not use the phrase "family way". If you ask a couple when they are planning to go the "family way", you are implying that the two of them are not a family. What the...?!

- Another super annoying question, "So when are you giving us good news?" The only thing more annoying than the phrase "good news" here is if they spell it as "gud news". Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!

- Never look at anyone and ask, "Are you pregnant?" You may end up inadvertently calling them fat.

- Never email anyone to ask if they are pregnant just because you have a hunch/feeling, etc. etc. You have no idea what they may be going through and they would not know how to answer your question.

- When someone tells you that they are on leave because the doctor has advised complete bed rest at home due to pregnancy complications, do not say, "Oh ok. Enjoy your stay at home!" Enjoy?? What do you think this is -- a Hawaiian vacation?

- When someone has preeclampsia due to which their blood pressure is shooting up, please do not say, "Relax." Preclampsia-induced blood pressure does not just go away if you "relax".

- Right after you ask someone how their baby is doing in the ICU, do not take out your mobile phone and say, "You want to see pictures of my newborn baby?" Trust me, I don't.

- When you find out that someone has had a premature baby who is in the ICU, do not chirpily call or send a message saying, "Oooh congratulations!"

- When you ask them how the baby is doing and they tell you that the baby's brain is not mature enough to do several things at once, and so when she is drinking milk, she forgets to breathe, do not laugh. You may be tickled by the idea of someone forgetting to breathe, but trust me -- a baby forgetting to breathe is not funny.

Shadow play

2011-06-01T20:09:00.001+08:00

A serious is-sue

2011-06-01T06:30:00.003+08:00

Me (looking up from the Dr Sears' website)- Hey Viv, did you know there are 31 ways to soothe a baby??

Viv (without batting an eyelid) - But why on earth would you want to sue the baby????

Me - :|

New kid on the blog - part 3

2011-05-31T23:23:00.026+08:00

It was finally the morning of the surgery. I had never entered an operation theatre in my life before so I had no idea what to expect. They asked me if I wanted to go for general anesthesia or epidural. I knew that general anesthesia would be great because I would just go in and come out without being conscious of anything in between, but I had been told that GA could make the baby groggy and that would mean that the neonatologists would not be able to do an accurate assessment of the baby's condition. So I opted for epidural. A note on that. Yes, you feel no pain at all but you can totally feel the tugging and pulling they do! I wasn't sure if that was normal so I actually turned to the anesthetist who was standing by my head and said, "Excuse me, I can feel some tugging. Is that normal?" (On hindsight it was quite comical for a patient in the operation theatre to say that in the middle of a surgery.) He assured me it was normal.

In about half an hour, the surgeon moved the screen separating my face from hers and said, "Congratulations! The baby is out." The baby is out??? What did that mean -- the baby is out?? "Of course she is out, but is she alive??" I wanted to scream. Well, she had said 'Congratulations' and they all looked pretty relieved so I figured the baby was indeed alive. They stitched me up and I was wheeled to the recovery area for a blood transfusion. Later, I was taken to the recovery ward, where finally I saw Viv. He told me that the baby had been immediately taken to the neonatal ICU (NICU) for assessment. Her Apgar score was quite good, 8 followed by a 9.

I could see she was already papa's girl. Viv's lucky number is 9 and his birthday is 9/9. The surgery was scheduled at 9, the baby's weight was 990 gm, her final Apgar score was 9 and she was born at 10:01 am. Where's 9 in that, you ask? Well, 1001 is binary for 9, isn't it? (When I pointed this out to Viv, he was so thrilled! Nerds of a feather flock together...)

My blood pressure continued to be very high even after the delivery and so I was still on full bed rest. Viv went down to see the baby and took pictures with his phone. She was covered with tubes and sensors all over. Trust me, that is not the first view of your baby you want. She had been classified as a VLBW, which has nothing to do with the LBW we all know and love. VLBW stands for Very Low Birth Weight, and such infants are at a high risk of... well, everything. The lower the weight of the baby, the higher the chances of complications are, including some long-term ones. The IUGR had made her smaller than regular babies born at the same 32 weeks.

Just when I thought Viv and I could just stop worrying about me and focus on the baby, we realised it wasn't so. My blood pressure stayed high and just wouldn't come down. They gave me a medicine called Adalat which quickly brings down the BP but also gives you the mother of all headaches. When I was asked to describe the pain on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being absolutely unbearable), I gave it an 8.5. It really was. But what to do, Adalat ka yehi faisla tha. Heh heh! I read that the effects of preeclampsia could last for weeks or months after delivery so I really had no idea when I would have the sensors and BP cuff and the catheter (Ugh the catheter! Don't even get me started on that.) off me. Worse, they would not let me go see my baby. First, I wasn't allowed off the bed, and second, they were probably worried my BP would shoot up even more if I saw the baby in that condition.

Finally, after staying in the recovery ward for days (again, a place where most people stay only for a few hours), they said I could sit in a wheelchair (my stitches made it impossible for me to walk) and go see my baby who was in the NICU.

Let me give you a peek inside the NICU. Well, when you first enter, it's scary. Alarms are ringing everywhere, there are funny lights all over and you are greeted by the sight of many struggling babies 'trapped' inside glass incubators, with wires and tubes all over them. It looks like some kind of an heartless experiment at first, and you want to kill the evil guys, but then you realize that the 'evil guys' who putting their hands into the incubators and 'torturing' the babies are actually the angels who are trying to save these innocent lives.

Viv wheeled me into the NICU and took me to her incubator. Even though I had seen her photos on his phone, nothing had prepared me to see a baby of that size, in an incubator, struggling to get the tubes off herself. It was really heart-breaking. I could hardly see the baby. Instead, I saw a tiny, fragile 'thing' with an eye mask covering the upper half of the 'face' and a large breathing tube with two prongs going into the nostrils, covering the rest of the face. Other tubes led from her hands and legs to machines. Where was my baby? She was in an incubator under blue lights (for jaundice), hooked to a lot of machines with alarms that seem to go on forever. I did not break down though as I had anticipated. However, looking at her in this condition, on all the different kinds of life support, I went numb.

As premature babies' bodies are not equipped to handle nutrition that is not through the umbilical cord, they had put her on the IV drip and were going to test her tummy for tolerance towards milk. Mother's milk is truly nectar for premature babies as it has antibodies which are critical to the infection-prone babies. The doctors had asked me to express milk and send it to the NICU for the feed testing. Now here's the thing. When your baby is suddenly delivered at 32 weeks, your body simply isn't prepared to immediately start producing milk. Here I was, placing an order for milk, when it seemed like my body had gone on strike and the workers were complaining that production could not start that early as the factory had not been set up. "Well, what can I do? The CEO is already here! Surprise visit and all that. You just gotta do it." Luckily, they were going to test her tummy using 1-ml feeds first so within a few days I was able to send that much (in a syringe no less)!

Meanwhile, they finally discharged me with a lot of strong BP medication. They also asked me to buy a monitor and record my BP at home three times a day. The doctors said that preeclampsia-induced high BP is something that can take its time to go and there's not much I could do about it other than taking medication.

After that, our lives revolved around hospital visits. I was up and about in two weeks, and even though the stitches still hurt, I often forgot that I had had surgery. The focus was just to make sure Xena was stable and putting on weight. I could not believe it -- I had put on 13 kgs over the course of the pregnancy, and my baby did not even take up 1 kg of it.

All babies lose weight initially and Xena did too - about 45 gm. I remember being so elated when she put back 7 gm of that. Who imagined we would be celebrating our baby's weight gain in grams? But Viv and I did.

Initially, her body rejected the 1-ml feed, but the next round was better. They started slowly increasing the feeds to 2 ml, 3 ml and so on. While regular newborns were drinking 50-60 ml, my baby was on 2 ml.

Her jaundice was very persistent. While it is common for newborns to get it, it usually goes away with a few days of phototherapy, while for Xena, it was on for weeks.

Daughter of the notorious Bhai, Xena had started her gunda-gardi in the NICU pretty early. She bullied the doctors and nurses and almost always had her way. They were sick of resetting the tubes and sensors because she would just pull everything out. At first she was on breathing tubes with 22% oxygen, but she kept pulling it off. They even folded a thick piece of cloth and placed it over her neck so her hand couldn't reach her breathing tubes. In spite of that, she managed to pull them off. It was her way of saying that she didn't need the tubes and could breathe on her own. Finally, the doctors shook their heads, rolled their eyes, and took off the tubes as a challenge to her. Lo and behold, she really could breathe on her own!

Most premature babies are passive and weak, and pretty much lie there in the incubator. Not Xena! The social worker allocated to our case (the hospital allocates a social worker to the parents of all premature babies) said that in her 12 years of working in the NICU, she had not seen a more active baby than Xena. All the nurses we met said, "Oh your baby is so active. She kicks and pulls away all the tubes!" One of them even joked that they were considering changing the 1-nurse-to-2-babies ratio and allocate a dedicated nurse just to prevent Xena from pulling out the tubes! She was so tiny that the nurses could just pick her up with one hand! (New meaning to "She's a handful." huh?) and yet so powerful that it was next to impossible to wrench away a tube from her tiny fists. "Fight the battles, baby, not the tubes!" I would tell her.

Her initial heart scan showed a condition called Patent Ductus Arteriosis (PDA). Basically an artery called the ductus arteriosus lets the blood bypass the lungs because the fetus gets its oxygen through the placenta. The ductus normally closes soon after birth so that blood can travel to the lungs and pick up oxygen. When the ductus does not close properly, it can lead to heart failure. In most babies, the ductus closes on its own, though in some cases it reopens. For Xena, it closed, but before we could celebrate, it reopened. Thankfully, it closed again and no surgery was needed.

Meanwhile, we registered her birth at the ICA and were asked to get her passport made within 42 days! There is no way we could get a photograph of her face or her thumbprint for the passport. So we had to get a special social visit pass made for her so she wasn't considered an illegal resident. Sheesh. Didn't think paperwork would be another thing to think about in the middle of all that.

She did well in the NICU, breathing on her own and putting on weight and tolerating higher feed amounts. In two weeks, she was stable enough to be transferred to the step-down NICU. This was also part of the NICU but it was for babies who did not need very intensive care. However, the very next night, we received a call from the hospital to say that she had had a very bad desat. I didn't even know what a desat was -- apparently it's when the oxygen saturation in the blood drops because the baby forgets to breathe. Apparently, Xena had stopped breathing and had started to turn blue. They managed to resuscitate her by putting in a ventilator, which is basically a tube that goes all the way to her lungs. She was transferred back to the NICU, all feeds were stopped and she was put back fully on IV again. We rushed to see her and she just looked so frail and helpless and there was blood around the lung tube.

The doctors suspected necrotising enterocolitis (NEC) as the reason why she had the desat, which really surprised us because NEC is a very serious condition related to the baby's diet, and breast milk is known to help prevent NEC. She had been fine on breast milk all this while. However, we found out that the nurse in the step-down ICU had given her formula milk for a day because she thought there was no more breast milk! You can imagine how furious we were because here we were, ferrying 7-8 small bottles of breast milk to the NICU every day -- there is no way the milk could have gotten over. When we asked her to check again, she found 12 full bottles! Breast milk plays a critical role in preventing NEC, and no wonder that within 24 hours of having the formula, she was back in the ICU. We read this scary article about NEC and were very traumatised to know that one in four babies dies of NEC.

So she was off feeds and on IV and antibiotics for a week, with 8-hourly scans. They also took took a lot of blood for tests and cultures and another transfusion was needed. Once she was stable again (and had kicked off the breathing tubes) she was transferred back to the step-down ICU. However, based on our last experience, we decided not to go over the top with joy. And sure enough, they told us that one of the visiting moms had contracted chicken pox so they were checking with the moms of all babies if they have had it before. I had never had it which means Xena did not have the immunity against it. They gave her a jab with antibodies, and luckily there was no adverse reaction.

By the time, she was 1 month old, she was stable again and weighing 1400 gms. They only discharge premature babies after they reach the 2-kg mark. She put on weight a few times but lost again to go back to 1400 gms. The weight loss was partly due to the energy she spent in crying. It was really heart-breaking to see her cry of hunger, pain and discomfort, but we could do nothing. They let us put our hands through holes in the sides of the incubator to touch her though.

Her next round of gunda-gardi involved the feeding tube through which they gave her milk. One day, she cried so hard, she got really agitated and pulled out her feeding tube all the way from her stomach! I nearly fell down with shock when I saw her waving the end of the tube at me in a "Look ma, no tube!" gesture. They put in a new feeding tube, this time through her nose. They tried to get her started on bottle-feeding but premature babies are not able to coordinate breathing, sucking and swallowing at the same time. Also, the doctors said that the effort she would have to make to take in milk any other way than the tube would be so much that she would lose weight, and their priority was to have her gain weight.

One of the doctors had told us that when it comes to premature babies, they take one step backward for every two steps forward. Sure enough, each time she made some progress, we got some bad news too. Premature babies tend to get hernias as their inner abdominal wall is very soft. Xena's abdomen scans showed two hernias. One was an umbilical hernia which docs said should go away by itself but the other was an inguinal hernia for which she would need surgery. Surgery on a baby of that size?! Doctors said that she was too small for surgery at that time so they would wait till she was about 2 kg. I was totally freaking out at the thought of her being under anaesthesia, but the doctors said that it would be a minor procedure.

We found it difficult to follow the NICU visiting hours, as it was painful to leave if she was crying. We just had to trust that the nurses would pacify her. She was turning out to be quite independent though -- the other day, she was crying and the pacifier kept falling off. I had to leave and the nurses were busy tending to the other babies so I put the pacifier in her mouth and told her 'Mummy has to leave now. Will you hold your pacifier, baby?' and she did!! On one hand, I was happy that she could 'take care of some things herself' but it was also heart-breaking that a newborn didn't have her parents around all the time to tend to her needs.

When she reached the 1.5-kg milestone, she was moved out of the incubator into a cot. This meant that she was more 'accessible' to us and we didn't have to put our hands into the holes in the incubator just to touch her. She was still on the feeding tube though, as bottle-feeding was causing desat.

We had started kangaroo care, which is a technique where you hold the baby skin-to-skin. This helps to create warmth, security and bonding in babies who have to stay in the NICU for very long. So I would go down to the hospital for kangaroo care every day. About kangaroo care itself, well, if you can put your baby on your chest and button up all the way, that is one tiny baby. Viv also tried it once but I told him vainly his kangaroo care doesn't come with a value-added service like mine did. You see, I sang to the baby during kangaroo care. Muahahaha! Singing was easy. The tough part was choosing which song to sing. Of course, the big song those days was 'Sheela ki jawani', but that was perhaps a tad inappropriate for a baby. So I sang the title song of Main Hoon Na because I truly did feel like that about her:

Kiska hai yeh tumko intzaar, main hoon na
Deh lo idhar bhi ek baar, main hoon na
Khamosh kyun ho, jo bhi kehna hai kaho
Dil chahe jitna pyaar utna maang lo
Tumko milega utna pyaar, main hoon na

Of course, sometimes she took my words too seriously, especially when I sang "Khamosh kyun ho..." and she would wail to a degree that exhibited the exact opposite of khamosh. (Erm, she also cried if I went off-key. Sheesh.)

I would sing a different song each day and over the days, I found out which songs she liked. Main hoon na, Tinka tinka and Sau gram zindagi were her favourites. When I'd first heard the Sau gram zindagi, I loved the melody but I wondered what exactly what the words meant. Sau gram zindagi? 100 grams of life? What did that mean? Ironical that the song came to have its own meaning in my life, where we were literally counting the grams of life on Xena. Sometimes the wait for her to get home seemed so endless. I celebrated my first birthday as a mother without my daughter. I celebrated my first Mother's Day without my daughter.

We got so used to seeing her that she didn't seem small to us anymore. In fact, I pointed to one of the other babies and told Viv, "Look look, GIANT BABY!!!" He said, "Erm, that is not a giant baby. That is a regular-sized baby. Our baby is small."

On 30th April, she was finally moved out of the setp-down NICU into what they call a 'special care nursery' (SCN) where they trained her to bottlefeed without having a desat. The SCN was a crazy noisy place, with alarms beeping all the time, the only thing louder than those were the babies wailing ("I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!"). Xena quickly made herself at home, and I could totally imagine the gunda-gardi at night with the babies bullying the newcomer babies and demanding 'hafta' of the order of 'char peti milk'.

Xena did well in the SCN, but as usual, there was the not-so-good news. Her brain scan showed a small bleed. Premature babies are at risk of such haemorrhage, and doctors said that as long as it does not progress, it should resolve itself. Her heart scan confirmed the small hole that one of the doctors had initially suspected. She also has anaemia. The doctors will do follow-up for 8 years (!!) as premature babies are susceptible to a host of problems involving developmental milestones such as speech, walking and learning.

As for what caused all of this, the doctors are not sure. It had definitely something to do with the placenta, as the surgeon who did the c-section said that she found a large blood clot behind the placenta, which itself was half-detached. "We were surprised the baby hung on for so long in spite of that!" She said. Apparently, even a day's delay in the surgery could have spelt danger. I am just thankful that even though all this happened, Xena and I were in good hands. The doctors and nurses did such an incredible job taking care of us (and pretty much saving our lives) that I was ashamed that I had had doubts about the 'government hospital'. I wish I could donate a large sum of money to the hospital, but their bill already made sure of that. ;)

Viv and I attended classes on taking care of premature babies at home. They even had a session on infant CPR, which we attended, hoping the entire time that we would never have to use it. We were very nervous about taking her out of the controlled hospital environment with all the sensors and monitors that alarmed as soon as something went wrong. Even when we held her in the hospital, we would be constantly watching the heart rate, oxygen level and breathing rate. We heard a horror story of someone whose baby went home to come back to oxygen support the very next day because she caught an infection at home.

Xena's hernia surgery was on 19 May. I still remember watching my tiny baby taken into the operating theatre. When she came out, she was hungry and in pain, and was crying a lot. She was still on IV and they could not give her any milk, so they gave her a pacifier and she kept it on for four hours straight, hoping that maybe suddenly milk will come out of it. It was really heart-breaking to see that. Two days later, she was discharged. She was stable, could bottlefeed, and had recovered well from the surgery. Her homecoming on 21 May, more than 2 months from the time she was born, was a strange experience. We were excited and nervous at the same time. On her first night at home, Viv and I pretty much stayed up all night watching her, with the sole aim of keeping her alive (I kid you not.). We tried to recreate the hospital environment as much as possible so it would be easy for her to do the transition. We wash our hands every time before touching her. She is in an air-conditioned room all the time. Even at night, there is always a light switched on. She is not allowed visitors. Viv and I have not even kissed her face yet. When we feel like kissing her, we kiss the top of her cap.

Though she was born two months ago, medically she is considered a newborn as they count the age for all developmental milestones from 40 weeks of gestation. Xena is still tiny; we did not even buy any bottoms for her as the newborn tops reach her ankles! She has been home for over a week now, and we are still learning how to take care of her. The biggest challenge remains winning her trust. Premature babies who spend months in the ICU do not trust anyone. They associate human touch with pain, discomfort and disturbance. They have only experienced needles and sensors and incubators. They have not felt anyone's loving and caring touch. They develop a fierce kind of independence and self-reliance. So when they get home, it is difficult for parents to make them feel secure as they don't even trust their own parents. This comes across in small ways such as getting startled when touched (even if it's to just change the diaper) as they feel it could be someone trying to poke a needle, sleeping with both hands in mid-air in front of her face in a 'don't touch me' gesture, trying to snatch the milk bottle away (they feel that it would be taken away before they finish) or simply and most heart-breakingly, looking at the parents with distrust in their eyes. We are still working to overcome all of this and make her feel truly at home.

***

Some of you have asked me why I never mentioned all of this on the blog when it was happening. Well, here's the reason. The bar is a happy place. It has always been and it will always be. I wanted our story to reach at least a small positive point before sharing it. And even though we don't know what is in store for us and baby Xena in the future, for now we are in a happy place. Xena is alive, stable and home.

In the beginning, whenever I thought of everything that was happening to us, and saw my 990-gm baby, small and frail and helpless in the NICU, with so many tubes and needles, a lot of thoughts haunted me initially - Why us? Why our baby? Viv and I are good people, what did we do to have this happen to us? And that's when I realised it -- there is a lot of suffering in the world and we humans have to share it all. What have we done to deserve a perfect life? Why should we expect a perfect life when our fellow human beings have to go through so much pain and suffering? In the end it all comes full circle. We could either sit and cry every day or we could be strong and brave and positive. We took the second option because that is what would help our baby. The little one was fighting so hard at her end, she had so many well wishes coming her way, how could we let her down by being negative?

And why did I write all of this in such excruciating detail now? Because if some day, Xena, Viv or I forget to appreciate the value of life or the power of good wishes, we can come back and read this to remind ourselves.

At the end of it, I told myself what I have said again and again -- Everyone has problems. You just gotta make a bigger deal of the happy stuff.

New kid on the blog - part 2

2011-05-29T12:05:00.003+08:00

You know how most advice we give people or people give us is just words? Well, once in a while, you get a piece of really good advice that changes your life.

One of Viv's colleagues heard about what had happened to us, and asked Viv to speak to his wife who was a gynaecologist at KK Hospital. Viv spoke to her and her advice was this - "Switch to KK immediately." At first we were a little apprehensive. KK was a government hospital, not where I had imagined giving birth to my baby. Secondly, our doctor in the private hospital knew our case history and starting from scratch with a new doctor and a new hospital didn't seem like a good idea. But there were important considerations, one being that staying on at the private hospital with the $1000-a-day NICU costs would make us go bankrupt. The costs would be lower at KK. Secondly, we found out that the neonatal team at KK was very good. Also, as I told Viv, "This is Singapore. Even a government hospital can't be that bad."

There was a problem though. One-third of Singapore's population is born at KK so if you call to get an appointment, the earliest slot they would give you would be 2 or 3 months later. By then, my baby would probably already be born! Viv's colleague's wife came to our rescue again and got us an appointment for the very next week.

We saw the doctors at KK who studied all our reports and scanned me a zillion times again. During one of the scans, they said that there was a possible gap in the baby's cerebral hemisphere. So in addition to being classified as 'severe IUGR', they also added 'possible FA (fetal anomaly)' to my case file. In addition to the chances of her survival, we now had her heart and brain to worry about. Every week I would make my way to KK to be scanned again. The baby was still growing very very slowly. They transferred my case to the HRC (high-risk consult), a team of doctors who work on high-risk pregnancies.

In late February, I received a call from the hospital. The doctor said that the HRC had recommended that I get admitted as soon as possible as they suspected that I could give birth prematurely anytime so it was safer to be in the hospital if that happened. I was due in mid-May. This was end-Feb. "So when should I come and get admitted?" I asked. "Today." Said the doctor.

So I packed my hospital bag and made my way to KK. I was immediately wheeled to the delivery room and plugged to the CTG machine to monitor the baby's heartbeat. The plan was to monitor the baby's heartbeat and deliver immediately if the baby showed any signs of distress. I was keeping my fingers crossed that delivery could be delayed as much as possible so that the baby had enough time inside to get ready for the outside world. The lungs of the baby are especially vulnerable if delivery is done too early, so they gave me steroid injections to mature the baby's lungs. "These injections will be quite painful," said the doctor, to mentally prepare me. If I had foreseen the next one month of my life, I would have laughed at that statement. For the pain caused by the steroid injections was nothing compared to what I was about to face.

I had taken time off work for the prescribed bed rest and my mom had flown down to take care of me. She was to fly off the day after I got admitted (she had to go to the US to my sister). Unfortunately, the delivery room I was in only allowed the husband to go in and so for a while it looked like Mom would have to go off without even meeting me! Fortunately, nurse Thong (No, I am not making up the name) in the delivery room was kind enough to sneak my mom in for a quick 'Good bye and good luck' hug.

My time in the delivery suite was extremely uncomfortable. I was on full bed rest, hooked to a couple of machines, one of which churned out a continuous printout of the baby's heart rate. I was asked to lie on my left side to maximise blood flow to the baby, and it was very uncomfortable to lie on my left side 24-7. On some nights, I would wake up to find myself on my right and freak out completely, leaning over to see if the baby's heart rate was all right. Viv was with me all the time, and would stay up at night to keep an eye on the heart rate.

For the next few days we kept our eyes glued on the CTG machine for any drops in the heartbeat, or 'decel' as the nurses called it. Baby Xena, being the extremely jumpy baby that she is, really made the nurses work for their money as she would kick the sensor off and the signal would be lost and the nurses would come running to set it on again. However, on some occasions, there would be an actual decel and I would be put off food and immediately on IV to prepare me for delivery if needed.

I stayed on in the delivery room for four days. An interesting thing I found out was that the charges in the delivery room go by the hour. Mainly because most women go in only for a few hours and don't walk in with a tent and picnic basket, intending to settle there like I did. No wonder the fattest part of our very fat hospital bill were the delivery room charges.

Another interesting thing we found out is that even though there is only one NICU, the charges for the baby's stay depend on what class of ward the mother was in. Since we expected Xena to be in NICU for a few months, we were advised to pick the lowest class of ward - Ward C. Viv was apprehensive. Ward C meant that I would not have a dedicated gynaecologist. Whoever was on call that day would be the one attending to me after reading my case notes. Ward C meant a shared space with 5 other beds, no air-conditioning, a common bathroom, noisy visitors, curtains in the name of privacy, and obviously no couch for the husband to stay over. Ward C was not what I had had in mind for my pregnancy. But we had no other choice. If Xena survived, we needed to be able to afford her NICU care. So even though Viv said I could go for B1 or B2 if I wasn't comfortable with C, my answer was the usual, "This is Singapore. Even Ward C cannot be that bad."

A few days later, they decided that baby Xena really did not intend to come out so soon, and they moved me out of the delivery suite to the general ward. The plan was to still continue to monitor the baby's heart rate but three times a day for an hour each instead of being hooked to the machine and not being able to move. I still remember how thrilled I was to get 'unstrapped' and actually be able to move about. I sent a message to Viv from my very simple bed in ward C, "I am not strapped! There is a ceiling fan! As far as I am concerned, this is a 5-star hotel!"

Every morning, the nurses would do their rounds in the ward and the senior nurse would brief the others on the case histories. I was so sick of hearing the same thing every morning when they passed my bed. They would say my name, followed by "Severe IUGR. FA." whereas others' would sound something like "Delivered last night. Discharging tomorrow." On some mornings, I felt like getting up and declaring before she could, "Severe IUGR and FA. That's me. Argh! Happy now?"

I would watch my neighbours come and go, and I would just sit there and wonder. Most of them stayed only for a day or two. They would be warded upon delivery and have their babies brought to them every few hours. Visitors would come and see the babies, and I would just sit there and wonder.

There was only so much time I could spend in the ward staring at the CTG graph. Viv got me the iPad and for the first time ever, I appreciated that purchase. I spent long hours researching the terms related to my case. Once in a while, I would blog too, to get away from it all. Oh by the way, the Sheela I'd mentioned in this post was the head nurse of the ward. Heh heh!

However, within a week, I was back in the delivery suite as the baby's heartbeat dipped a lot. They stopped my food and put me back on IV to prepare for an emergency delivery. Baby Xena was determined though and managed to steady her heartbeat again. So back I went to the general ward again. This happened about six times in total. So I ended up mentally preparing myself six times for an emergency delivery. But the brave little girl hung on for dear life and the decels were not very persistent.

So it just looked like I was to keep shuttling between the delivery room and the general ward and stay in the hospital on bedrest from Feb till May. Then there was that scary night when I woke up to find myself bleeding. If you have seen 'The Time Traveller's wife' you will know what exactly I felt at that moment. I just had enough time to make a phone call to Viv before I was wheeled away to the delivery suite again. "This is it," I though. "Either I have lost the baby already or I am going to." Back I went to the delivery suite and back I went on IV again. The heartbeat showed some sharp dips but steadied again. The doctors said that if this kept happening, they would cross their fingers and hope that I reached at least week 34 before I delivered so that the baby had a better chance. Her weight, calculated from the measurements taken during the scans, was only around 800 grams and so she needed to stay in as long as possible. For the uninitiated, regular babies born at term weigh between 3 and 4 kg and I could not imagine what would happen to a baby born at 800 grams.

I suppose my long stay in the delivery ward was a standing joke among the doctors who, being on rotation, rarely saw a patient twice. Some of thom got really friendly with me. The doctors in the delivery ward would grin and ask me, "Still here, Sayesha?" and the nurses in the general ward would grin and ask me the same question. Some even said, "Ah, welcome back, Sayesha!" Then there was the time when I had barely gone back to the ward when I was sent to the delivery suite again. The nurses laughed and I laughed with them. It really was getting ridiculous.

And because I was such an 'interesting' case, sometimes the doctors would bring with them a host of curious medical students. They would then politely ask me if they could prod my abdomen and I would politely oblige.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I would hear the screams of pain from the neighbouring rooms, followed by the wail of a baby. I would wonder whether I would ever get there.

I still had blood tests done daily and sometimes twice a day. Sometimes they would have trouble finding a vein that had not already been poked recently. In that sense, I sure donated a lot of blood. They would scan me every 2 days to monitor the baby's growth. Around early March, when the baby was weighing about 0.95 kg, my blood pressure started to go up. They also measured high blood pressure in the umbilical cord and suspected a problem with the placenta. On one of the days, my BP showed a reading of 191 and I was wheeled to what they call the triage as the delivery rooms were all full! The triage had a very narrow bed in an extremely cold room, and I was strapped to the CTG machine again, lying on my left, my upper abdomen hurting like crazy. The other women waiting there were taken in, in the order of pain and I was the second last. Xena was jumping so much the graph went bonkers and I wasn't sure if something horrible was happening to her or the sensors had just gone off. They don't allow even the husband into the triage area so I was there all by myself, panicking my heart out.

Finally I got a room, and they did more blood tests, one of them being for preeclampsia. Preeclampsia is this pregnancy-related conditon where the mother develops high blood pressure and high urine protein. Apparently it happens to 1 in every 5 pregnant women. If untreated, preeclampsia can lead to eclampsia and cause the mother to have a seizure. The only cure for preeclampsia is immediate delivery of the baby. Preeclampsia and eclampsia can also cause the placenta to detach, cutting off all nutrient supply to the baby.

Unfortunately, I was found to have severe preeclampsia. My blood pressure was shooting up. They were doing all they could to keep it down. They gave me medicine and it didn't work. They gave me stronger medicine and it didn't work. Then they injected magnesium sulphate into my IV inlet. I asked them what it did. "This will prevent you from having a seizure." Holy cow. They had to make sure my condition didn't progress to eclampsia. Suddenly I had a Kuch Kuch Hota Hai moment as I actually wondered if I should also write letters to my daughter a la Rani Mukherji. (Yeah you can take me out of Bollywood and put me in a hospital, but you can't take the Bollywood out of me.)

My kidneys had already started to fail. The urine protein reading was 10 times the normal amount. It looked like there was no way out but to deliver the baby. All this while they had been focusing on keeping the baby in for as long as possible. Now it looked like keeping the baby in posed a threat to my life. "You are our patient too," said the doctor. "We can't put your life at risk." Once again it seemed like it was straight out of a Bollywood movie. "Hum maa aur bache mein se kisi ek ko bacha sakte hain..."

So they decided to deliver the baby. It was to be an emergency c-section, but they wanted the neonatologists to be prepared as soon as the baby was born so they could immediately attend to her. So it was kind of a 'scheduled emergency c-section' at 9 am the next morning (17 March). In my one-month hospital stay, I had been wheeled to the delivery suite six times, and yet, that was not where my baby was meant to greet me. I was going to be wheeled into the operation theatre instead. Viv asked me to get some rest the night before, but neither he nor I could fall asleep. We did not know what would happen the next day. Due in May, the baby was going to be forced out in March. What if something horrible happened that night itself? Would we really have a baby to hold the next morning? We did not know. I wanted to sleep so that these questions wouldn't keep popping up in my head, but sleep was far away. It really was the longest night of our lives.

[Read New kid on the blog 3rd and final part - Xena's two months in the hospital and her gunda-gardi in the ICU]

New kid on the blog - part I

2011-05-27T12:14:00.003+08:00

You know how sometimes time simply seems to fly? It appears as if on Monday you received a wedding invitation from a couple, on Tuesday you attended their wedding, on Wednesday they told you they are pregnant, on Thursday you received an sms that went something like 'Blessed with a baby boy/girl weighing xx kg. Mom and child are doing well.' and on Friday you get an email (from the child, no less) saying, "Uncle/Aunty, please come for my 1st birthday." How does that make you feel? (Yeah, old, I know.) For most people, that's how fast and smooth the baby section of their lives seem to go. Of course, not everyone has it fine and dandy. There are also couples that are advised to terminate their pregnancy due to complications, or those who have to deal with the baby's and mother's lives being in danger, or those whose babies have to be in the ICU for months. But then these things are so rare and they always happen to other people, don't they?

Well, that's what we used to think too. Until the day Viv and I woke up to realise that we were the other people.

So the story starts on 9 Sep 2010 when Viv opened the birthday gift I gave him. It was a small box and inside was what looked like an iPod. But it wasn't an iPod. It was a positive home pregnancy test. (Yeah, I know. Cool way to break the news to your spouse. Touching and disgusting all at the same time.) I was toying between this and a highly dramatised version of a popular Bollywood scene of the 80s - "Main tumhaare bache ki ma banne wali hoon." but chose this one finally, because it meant that I did not have to buy Viv a separate birthday gift. I told him that this gift was so great that I did not owe him any more birthday gifts for the next decade. And he actually agreed.

We were elated. I was particularly excited because my sister, who lives in the US, was going to have a baby boy at the same time as I was going to have a baby girl! (Yes, I know. My mom shook her head at us and said, "Hey bhagwaan, main kahan jaaun?") We spent hours on the phone comparing symptoms ("Ooh you threw up breakfast? Yeay, me too! Same pinch!"). The first few months went by the usual way - throwing up, clothes getting tighter, wearing loose tops so no one at work suspected it till it was time to tell them, weird cravings (fortunately for Viv, no mood swings), etc. Speaking of weird cravings, the weirdest I had was for baby food. Yes, you read that right. And not just any baby food, but Cerelac (original), the baby food that I had had as a baby. Poor Viv went to Mustafa and got me three tins. (Yeah, he's a keeper. I know.)

We went for the usual doctor visits and everything was looking great. Until that one particular day when the doctor seemed to be frowning at the ultrasound. He measured the head and abdominal circumference, and the femur length a few times. His brow deepened. We asked him what the matter was. "The baby looks a little small.", he said. Small? So what? Babies are supposed to be small, aren't they? Besides, not all babies are born the same size. Some are just small. So we were not too worried. Until the next visit when the baby seemed to have fallen further behind in growth. The doctor asked us to go for a more detailed scan. The detailed scan said that the baby was fine structurally, but she was definitely very small. The case was classified as severe IUGR (intra-uterine growth restriction). IUGR is when the baby does not grow at the expected rate, and it can happen to a variety of reasons ranging from placental problems to chromosomal abnormalities.

"So what's next?", we asked the doctor. He said that he would continue to monitor the baby's growth, but suggested that we go see a specialist for a Doppler test to check if the blood flow through the placenta was all right. So we went to the specialist and that's the point where the faint lines of worry on our brows so far started to deepen. The specialist took a really long time scanning me, and then called another doctor who also spent a really long scanning me, and finally they said that they suspected that the baby had a heart condition called coarctation of the aorta. I still remember clearly what he typed in his report to my doctor - "Irrespective of the reason for the IUGR, prognosis looks poor." Then he turned to ask us what our religion was. It was a really strange question to ask, I thought. It was only later that I realised that he was trying to find if we had any religious restrictions regarding termination of the pregnancy. Termination?? I could not believe I was listening to someone talk about termination while my baby was kicking inside. But we had to be practical. If the baby really had complications such as a possible chromosomal disorder and a heart problem, what kind of quality of life were we promising her? The specialist left the decision to us but he was leaning towards termination.

We called my doctor and told him everything. He asked us if we were for termination. We said we needed some time to think about it, and that's when he told us that we had two days to decide and go through it because I was already in week 24, after which termination of a fetus is illegal in Singapore. Two days to decide whether we wanted to kill our baby?! I need not describe what Viv and I were going through. We decided to go for an amniocentesis the same day and try to get the results as soon as possible, even though normally it takes a few days for the fast results (that looks for a few common chromosomal defects) and a few weeks for the full results. Amniocentesis is this really scary test where they poke a needle all the way into the womb and collect some fluid right next to the fetus and test it for genetic abnormalities. We figured that if the test indeed showed a serious problem, we would at least have a solid reason if we went for termination instead of a 'suspected heart condition' in the baby. Amniocentesis has a 0.5% risk of miscarriage so there was a chance that even if there was nothing wrong with the baby, the test could do something to her! But this was really the best we could do so we went for the test. I had a screen in front of me where I could see the very long needle approaching my baby as the doctors carried out the test. Worse, they did not get any fluid at the first attempt so the test had to be done all over again!

I asked the doctor how the termination process would work if we opted for it. He said they would induce labour. Induce labour at 24 weeks?! I was to go into labour and give birth to my dead baby?? Only I know how I managed to keep myself from breaking down right there.

We were to get the FISH (Fluorescent In Situ Hybridization) test results in two days' time. This meant that if the results were poor and if there indeed was a serious genetic problem, we would go for termination the very same day. I went home, stayed in bed all day and bawled my eyes out, something I can't ever remember doing before. Meanwhile, Viv asked our doctor if we could get a second opinion on the scan. Our doctor recommended someone and got us an appointment for the next day. This doctor also scanned me for a very long time but did not say anything till the end. And what he said gave us the first ray of hope for the first time in several weeks. "I see no coarctation whatsoever.", he said. No coarctation whatsoever. Two contradicting opinions. Both experts in their field. What were we to do?

This doctor did say that he detected a hole in the baby's heart but it was something that could only be studied once the baby was born. He also said that if we were to keep the baby, I would need to go on immediate bed rest. The baby, if she survived, would most likely be premature and would need ICU care for months. He warned us of the ICU costs in the private hospital where my doctor was. Apparently a bed in the neonatal ICU can cost about $1000 a day. Yes, you read that right. $1000 a day! He showed us a picture of a similar case - an Indonesian couple who had twins and spent $100,000 on hospital bills. Bankrupt, they moved back to Indonesia.

So we went back to our doctor the next day who had the amniocentesis results with him. "The results are bad..." I heard him say. "Bad?? The results are bad??" My world came crashing down. "Back!" he quickly clarified. "Back, Sayesha, back. The results are back!! And everything looks fine." There were no genetic problems reported by the FISH test, although we would still need to wait a few weeks to know if there were none of the less common chromosomal defects. So, at that point in time, the only thing we needed to consider was the coarctation of the aorta. He left the decision to us. Though the test had ruled out major genetic disorders, severe IUGR still carried the risk of intra-uterine death. Add to that the possibility of the heart problem (coarctation and/or the hole) and the underlying reason for IUGR, which could be anything, and eventually manifest in anything.

We came back, called our families, and spoke to each other at length. And finally we made our decision. We would not voluntarily let our baby go. There just didn't seem to be enough evidence for us to opt for the worst. The baby was actively kicking, she had always been a kicker. Though I would have given anything to ask her what was going on inside, or to be able to deduce from her kicks what she wanted us to do, that was not to be. So in the end, we decided that if the baby was meant to leave us even before she met us, we would let it be her decision to make, not ours.

Read New kid on the blog - part 2.

I kid you not!

2011-05-26T23:49:00.013+08:00

Putting an end to all the speculation in the comments section of the last post, I introduce to the bewdas, baby Xena. :)

Nicknamed so for obvious reasons, this warrior princess was displaying her formidable fighting skills even before she was born. (And I am not just talking about the kicks and punches she regularly administered to me.)

Stay tuned to know more about the fights she fought and will need to continue fighting.

No return/refund, only exchange

2011-05-24T01:10:00.003+08:00

Aish (in her best "Excuse me, this isn't what I ordered" tone) - Who is this??? Where's the baby sister???

My sister - Well, you don't have a baby sister, Aishu. You have a baby brother.

Aish - But I didn't want a baby brother! I wanted a baby sister!!

Sis - But you have a baby brother. We can't just leave him here in the hospital and go home, can we?

Aish - Yes, let's leave him here in the hospital and go home.

Sis (horrified but staying calm) - Erm... But think of what would happen if we just leave him here?

Aish - Hmmm... Someone else can take him home.

Sis - Look, he's crying. Shall we take him home? Please?

Aish - Hmm... okay fine, we can take him home for now. But later, we will exchange him for Mausi's baby girl.

***

I will now leave the bewdas to digest the news while I go and write another post with the dramatic details.

Random review: Khoon bhari maang

2011-05-16T09:30:00.009+08:00

So I convinced Viv and my mom-in-law to watch Khoon Bhari Maang on TV with me. I had seen it when I was a kid and sold it to them as the 'ultimate 80s' revenge saga'. And boy, was it entertaining as hell (though not quite in the same way as a regular entertainer).

Here are my random thoughts after watching the movie:

Does anyone remember how popular the song 'Hanste hanste' was? We used to sing it in all the time in singing competitions in school, because it was an easy-to-sing, suitable-for-family-audiences kind of a song.

I quite like the song 'Jeene ke bahaane laakhon hain' too.

It was really Rekha, wasn't it, who was pushed into the lake? Crocodile or no crocodile, it takes guts to be pushed into a random lake by a fellow actor. *Respect* to Rekha for not using a body double!

Speaking of body doubles, I was wondering why Rekha had her hair open like Kali Mata in the last scene, because it totally didn't go with the rest of her outfit (black leather). And then I realised that they needed a body double to do all the jumping and somersaults and the long hair just helped to conceal the fact that it was a guy doing the jumps.

I was glad to see that Rekha spoke to her plastic surgeon in English. Warna aaj kal toh... even policemen abroad seem to speak Hindi in some of the movies today! Of course, Rekha had to do the obligatory 'face the camera and translate in Hindi' act - "Ek naya chehra... jise koi pehchaan na paaye..."

The surgery scene was quite graphic, huh? And the blood they used both in this scene and the one with the crocodile was such a dhinchak red! I am glad that shade is not used anymore.

Tom Alter was, as usual, the staple Hindi-speaking Caucasian in all movies in the 80s. Though in this movie, thankfully he only spoke two words in Hindi.

Hell, I had completely forgotten that Shatrughan Sinha was in this movie! So Rekha marries like three guys?!

Kader Khan was soooo annoying in the scenes with the vet. And his dialogues were so bad I am sure he wrote them himself. I am so glad they have stopped doing a completely independent comedy track in today's movies.

One must say Kabir Bedi cut quite a dapper figure. And amazingly, he still looks the same today!

I knew that one of Sonu Walia and the Baaliya guy was there to run between the shooter and 'shootee' and save the shootee's life, but had forgotten who it was. Glad it was Sonu Walia.

Why oh why did they have to shoot the horse in the climax scene? And Rekha's character being an avid animal-lover, asking the wounded horse to carry on because "izzat ka sawaal hai"??

Towards the end of the movie, when Rekha drags Kabir Bedi to the same lake with the crocodile, I turned and asked Viv, "So do you think she will push him in, or will Shatrughan Sinha appear and say, 'Kanoon ko apne haath mein mat lo, Aarti'?", he said it would obviously be the latter. Heh heh, I thought to myself. (She actually does push him down.)

And lastly, if there ever was an award for the ghastliest costumes used in a song, it has to go to this one!

Have a Bolly good time V

2011-05-15T10:14:00.003+08:00

Here's the fifth of the Bollywood A to Z quizzes. The theme for this one is 'Bollywood child artists'. See if you can identify A to Z?

A and B, who starred opposite each other in movie C, were incidentally cast as brother and sister in the movie D as child artists. D was directed by E, who also went on to direct the cult classic F, in which G appeared as a child artist. G, who had also appeared on a tin of baby food, was cast opposite A in H, his debut movie as a grown-up actor. H was directed by I, who used to direct blockbusters such as J, but has gone kind of bonkers lately. J starred A and K in the lead. K was cast as a child actor in the hit movie L, where he went to pee in the middle of the title song. One of K's hit movies had him playing uncle to three kids, one of whom was played by M. M was seen recently in the mindless comedy N, which also starred O. O's uncle P starred as a chubby boy in movie Q as the younger version of his father. As a child, P's wife R was cast in a double role in the movie S. R's uncle-in-law T starred in controversial movie U directed by P's father. In U, V played the young version of the rather scantily clad lead actress (and also Miss Asia Pacific) W. W and X played siblings in a 70s' flick Y. X's son Z starred as a child qawwali artist in a song in his father's movie. To close the loop, Z and A starred in a terrible movie directed by I, where they were on the run, with nothing less than a nuclear bomb in tow.

Word for word

2011-05-03T11:20:00.003+08:00

My in-laws like to watch this health programme on TV called 'What's good for you?'.

The other day, I was in the computer room when the programme was on. Suddenly I heard my Dad-in-law shout, "Wah wah!"

"Wow, he must really like the programme..." I thought to myself.

And that's when I realised it. The programme had started and he was just calling my Mother-in-law who was in the kitchen. (In Tamil, the word "wa" means "come".)

Have a Bolly good time IV

2011-04-24T21:41:00.003+08:00

Here's the fourth of the Bollywood A to Z quizzes. The theme for this one is 'special appearances'. See if you can identify A to Z?

A made a special appearance in movie B in the early 90s, starring C and D in the lead. C wasn't seen in any more movies for the next 10 years or so, but D has had a flourishing career. D's movie E had F in a special appearance, along with a string of other stars. D and F also had a husband-and-wife cameo in movie G, starring H and I in the lead. H and I both had cameos in movie J, where D also made a special appearance; all three had speaking roles in the movie. J had K in the lead, and K's dad L also had a cameo in the movie. Movie J also starred M in a prominent role. M's wife N made a special appearance opposite him in movie O. P, who was cast opposite the leggy Q in movie O, was cast opposite H in movie R, where S had a tragic cameo - his character dies in the movie. S's wife T made a special appearance as a blind girl in a terrible movie U, featuring V, W and D in the lead. W had a cameo in movie X where he played himself and one of his dialogues included an insider joke about the leading lady. W and Y were the male leads in a comic caper Z, and were never seen together in a movie again, though there have been rumors about a sequel. To close the loop, movie Z also had a special appearance by A.

In search of the truth - V

2011-04-19T17:24:00.003+08:00

It's been four months to the last 'In search of the truth' post, and here it is, the latest list of search keywords that bewdas have used to land at the bar. I am amazed at the regularity at which people are searching for 'veshti' and 'dragonfruit' and 'haircut prices at VLCC'. The one that amused me the most in today's list is the last one, for many reasons: the sms lingo, the arrow after 'SHEILA', the word 'killah' and last but not the least, the inclusion of the two hearts in the search keywords. :D

Commuter's helmet
dragon fruit
ja mata di
Kabir ke dohe song Dhan De Dhan Na Ghate
meaning +salgirah
kajra copper concentrate
kijwani surname
sayesha on the erocks
cost of haircut at vlcc
veshtiman
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
sayesha singapore
hopscotch blog
Cin Forshay lunsford agent
Tere dar par sanam translation
combodia girl friend look 40 up 50 don
non-veg dohe
salgirah meaning
singer of juba pe laga laga
pani puri sayesha
kajol lovely lines in ddlj move in written anjana andekha koi ane lag
galyan sakli sonyachi meaning
one ok rock
bhaigiri dialogues
tere bin laden sayesha
sudeep actor earrings
sayesha on the rocks munnadi
www.santa banta aisah takia hot movies 12 ya hot m...
Wot is the cost of a girls haircut at Habib's?
do aur do ka jod hamesha char kahan hota hai meaning
who put the goat in there
dragon fruit in india
a stick figure wearing a cape
pani patasha
sayesha rocks
vlcc hair cut price
ideas for dumb charades
drive picton to kaikoura
definition of bewda
Cricket bat dimensions
Rongoboti
The little things that make life worth living
Shyam tolani
Hrithik Roshan look-alikes
jakie sharoff famyli foto
tage mahal
no one killed jessica bad words
beer tag lines
things will work out in the end
spice ad subramanium almunium
www.gold bumming
spider man
www. jai mata di
agar life real toh jab we met
andaz apna apna firauti ki kasam
SHEILA ---->sheila ki jawani...M TOO SEXY 4 YA....MAIN TERE HATH NA AANI....♥ ♥...killah song..

You are my soniya

2011-04-14T19:09:00.000+08:00

So last evening I excitedly messaged Viv, "Guess what? My colleagues had a HUGE bouquet of roses delivered home for my birthday!"

"Where do you think they got the address from?" was his message. At the end of his message was a winky smiley, which I totally didn't notice and so I wrote back, "HR, of course."

He showed his annoyance, "You didn't get it, did you? That they got the address from me?"

Yikes.

So I wrote back, "Of course I did. You're the one who didn't get it. HR = Hrithik Roshan!"

Just about saved my ass, methinks. :P

Caught in the act

2011-04-04T17:20:00.012+08:00

Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) has bagged the perfect assignment - a two-week internship in casting. She is assisting Madhur Bhandarkar in casting for his new movie about the 2011 cricket World Cup. She is excited. Not only will she get first hand experience in casting, she will also get to meet tons of actors who had refused her interviews, and also have a juicy article to boot.

She reaches the studio for the first meeting. Subramaniam, Madhur's other assistant, gives her a quick orientation.

Subramaniam - Myself Subramaniam. This is Madhur sir. This is script. This is camera. These are the cricketer sirs. These are the empty chairs. Actor sirs will be late as usual.

SSSK - Cricketers? The cricketers are here?!

Subramaniam - Of course. Madhur sir tends to get into controversies, no? That's why he prefers that the cricketers choose or at least agree on the actors who should play them.

SSSK - Ah, brilliant idea.

Two hours later, a few of the character actors start trickling in, but none of the big shot actors who had been shortlisted turn up. Finally, after everyone has settled down, the meeting begins. Madhur starts off by telling the cricketers that they will be discussing potential actors who can play them in the movie.

Yuvraj - Madhur, I have a question. Why do we need actors?? Why can't we just play ourselves?

There is a murmur of general agreement in the room.

Madhur - Because I have seen you guys act in ads.

There is a murmur of general disagreement in the room.

Sehwag - Okay, forget the others. I am quite good I think. Did you see my acting in the ad with Ranbir? I thought I looked genuinely clueless, no?

Madhur - That's because you were genuinely clueless.

There is a murmur of general agreement in the room.

Suddenly Rakhi Sawant barges into the room.

Rakhi - Hello? Hello?

SSSK - Oh hi, Rakhi. What's up?

Rakhi - Who are you? Where is Madhur?

SSSK - I am assisting him in the casting for the World Cup movie. I think you are in the wrong studio...

Rakhi - I am in the right studio. I am here to audition.

SSSK - Huh? Audition for the role of?? There are no female parts in this movie. Erm, in spite of his name, Mahela is a guy, you know right?

Rakhi - Please. Mujhe pata hai. I am here to play the crackter of Poonam Pandey.

SSSK - Poonam Pandey?? The model who wanted to strip if India won??

Rakhi - Haanji.

SSSK - You want to strip in the movie??

Rakhi - Offo! Did she strip? Did I marry Elesh? Bolne aur karne mein bahut fark hai.

SSSK (to Madhur) - Hmmm... we can actually have her in an item song. What do you think?

Madhur - Oh yes. Good idea. But we need to get Poonam Pandey's okay on this.

Yuvraj - Haan toh bulao na. Baahar khadi hai.

Madhur - Baahar khadi hai?????? Poonam Pandey baahar khadi hai????

Gambhir (sighs) - Yeah. Finals ke din se hamare peechhe lagi hai. Hum jahan jaate hain, woh wahan aa jaati hai. Always ready to strip. Sigh...

Yuvraj - You are saying it like it's a bad thing!

Madhur - Subramaniam, please call her in.

Rakhi - Main bulaakar laati hoon.

Rakhi comes back a few minutes later.

Madhur - Where is Poonam?

Rakhi - Woh toh latter likhne chali gayi...

Madhur - Latter... I mean letter? Didn't she already write a ridiculous letter to the BCCI?

Rakhi - Haanji, they didn't reply na... so she wants to write another latter.

Sehwag - Okay guys, let's focus now. Madhur, who will play me?

Madhur - Emraan Hashmi. You guys look similar. And Mahesh Bhatt is the producer of the movie.

Sehwag - Oooh, serial kisser! Lekin woh kisko kiss karega? Movie mein toh sirf guys hain!

Rakhi - He batter not kiss me, Madhur. Ask Mika what heppens to pipal who kiss me!

Everyone ignores her.

Kohli - Who plays me, man?

Madhur - Oh, we will have the fillers for secondary characters like you, Raina and Munaf. You know, people like Tusshar Kapoor, Kunal Khemu, Shreyas Talpade, etc.

Kohli, Raina and Munaf leave the room, offended.

Gambhir - Aur main?

Subramaniam - Gautam sir, aap toh Gambhir sir hain... we will get a serious actor to play you. Heh heh!

Gambhir - Sheesh, that's seriously the saddest and most overused joke about my name...

Gambhir also walks out.

Dhoni - Ahem, I think we're forgetting the captain here! I want nothing less than SRK or Hrithik Roshan.

Madhur - Erm... actually we had Manoj Bajpai in mind... we want someone from the Bihar/Jharkhand area to bring authenticity to your small-town-fire-in-belly character.

Dhoni - Manoj Bajpai?????? As me??????? NO WAY!

Subramaniam - Dhoni sir, it's either Manoj Bajpai sir or Ravi Kishen sir...

Dhoni - Ravi Kishen the Bhojpuri movie guy??

Subramaniam - Yes, Dhoni sir...

Dhoni (sulking) - Manoj Bajpai it is.

Yuvraj - Oye! Mere saath aisa mat karna tum log! I want a bad boy to do justice to my bad boy image... Salman Khan. He even had a movie called Yuvraj!

SSSK - Yuvi, the movie was not Yuvraj, it was Yuvvraaj.

Yuvraj (gives her a dirty look) - Doesn't matter. I want Salman.

Subramaniam - Yuvraj sir... Salman sir is too expensive after Dabangg... we're going with Suneil Shetty sir.

Yuvraj (sulking) - Chalo Ravi Kishen se toh better hai...

SSSK (blushing) - Zaheer, don't you want to know who is playing you?

Zaheer (shyly) - Sure...

SSSK - Abhay Deol.

Zaheer (surprised) - Really? Abhay Deol? How come I get Abhay Deol?

SSSK (blushing) - Because I like you and I like Abhay Deol and I think you guys are kinda similar in personality.

Zaheer (also blushing) - Sure... if you think so.

Sreesanth (impatiently) - Tum logon ka love story khatam hui toh yeh batao who is playing me!

SSSK (irritated at being interrupted) - Tch. For you... Hmmm... Bobby Deol would be a good fit.

Sreesanth (smiles proudly) - Why? Because you like me and you like Bobby Deol and you think we are kinda similar in personality?

SSSK - Of course not, Sreesanth. Don't be ridiculous.

Sreesanth - Then why Bobby Deol??

SSSK - Because he is the only one with crazy hair like yours!

Sreesanth - Please, I am a better dancer than Bobby Deol, ok?? If you cast me, I can also do an item number.

Madhur - Ugh, ok fine. You can do a guest appearance with Rakhi in the item song. Happy now?

Rakhi - Dance with Sreesanth? Oh please. I'd rather dance with Mika.

SSSK - Oooh, Mika. Madhur, how about Mika instead of Bobby? Same kind of hair...

Madhur - Good idea. We will take the cheaper of the two. Bobby just had a hit, so it could just be Mika.

Sreesanth - No no, Bobby is good, Bobby is okay...

Everyone ignores him.

Madhur - Bhajji next... we need either a sardar or someone who can suit the sardar look.

Subramaniam - Madhur sir, if we're taking Mika sir, maybe we can get Daler sir for a discount for Bhajji sir's role?

Madhur - Daler? For Bhajji?? Would you look at the two of them, Subramaniam??

SSSK - Oooh I know I know! Sunny Deol! He's played a sardar tons of times. And if we end up taking Bobby as Sreesanth, we may get a discount on Sunny as Bhajji!

Madhur - Sheesh. SSSK... Agar Sunny ka haath dhaai kilo ka hai, toh Bhajji ka haath dhai gram ka hai! We need a thinner guy.

SSK - A thin sardar... hmmm...

Sreesanth - Oooh, how about Siddhu?

Subramaniam - Siddhu sir! Oh yes. He's thin.

Madhur - But acting?

SSSK - Acting bhi kar lega. Nautanki hai ek number ka.

Subramaniam - Madhur sir, we can also ask him to point at the Sri Lankans and laugh at the end of the movie after India wins the cup. He's quite good at laughing unnecessarily.

Madhur - Hmm... okay, give him a call. Let's see.

Bhajji (looks devastated) - Siddhu? Seriously?? Siddhu as me??? I think I am gonna cry.

Sreesanth - Ha ha ha! Aaand... life comes full circle. Tuney mujhe rulaya, maine tujhe rulaya! Ha ha ha!

Sreesanth breaks into an impromptu dance. Everyone ignores him.

Madhur - Now the toughest part... who plays Tendulkar? Hmmm....

SSSK - Hmmm...

All cricketers - Hmmm...

Subramaniam - Madhur sir, the choice is obvious. Only Rajni Sir can play Sachin Sir.

Sachin (utterly shocked) - WHAT????!!!! Rajnikanth to play me??? I am 37. He is 62!!

Madhur (also taken aback) - Subramaniam, what makes you say only Rajni can play Sachin??

Subramaniam (smiles wisely) - Sir, only God can play God. No?

Fool khile hain gulshan gulshan

2011-04-01T20:36:00.005+08:00

What do you do when you are woken up in the morning with a frantic message from your fellow Bollywood junkie friend (let's call him Thud) that goes something like this?

"OH. MY. GOD. KJo is apparently getting married. To a WOMAN!!!!!!!!!"

You open one eye and send this message.

"Nice try. Check the date. :/ "

His reply comes.

"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez!!!!! I can't believe I fell for it."

Heh heh. Dude, we don't call you Thud for nothing, You fall for everything. :P

Okay, to be honest, even I would have fallen for it if I had read the news article first, and I would have been the one sending that frantic message to him. It's just that Viv had just been telling me the night before that he planned to fool his colleague by switching the keyboard and mouse connections of his computer with the colleague's and the telling him that it was due to an update from Apple. And that's how I remembered that today was April Fool's day. (Well, he didn't do it in the end. I guess jo garajte hain who baraste nahin and all that.)

The thing is - it's hard to fool people on 1st April. Especially if they remember the date. I have never tried any funny tricks on my bar's bewdas on April Fool's Day because it's so easy to figure that it's a prank. I think April Fool's day should fall on a different date each year. Perhaps each year it can be the next date. For example, if it falls on 1st April this year, it should fall on 2nd April next year. Once you reach 30 April, you go back to 1 April again. That way, we will be more likely to not remember on the day itself (haven't you had days where you wondered if the current year was a leap year or not?) and the world will have more successful and funnier pranks.

Pee(r) pressure

2011-03-30T09:10:00.000+08:00

Viv - Do you remember the movie 'Me, Myself and Irene'?

Me - Yeah. Why?

Viv - If the movie's title was in second person, what would it be?

Me (not daring to venture any guesses but gearing up for the bad joke that I know will follow) - Erm... what?

Viv - You, Yourself and Urine.

:|

New kids on the block

2011-03-26T10:01:00.001+08:00

As Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) drove her portable treehouse towards the venue of the party, she looked at the invitation card that she had managed to get her hands on.

Ranbir Kapoor and Imran Khan would like to invite you to a special 'Welcome to Bollywood' party.

"Ha!" SSSK said to herself as the treehouse swerved dangerously, "You think if you don't invite SSSK, she won't invite herself??"

She reached the venue and found a stretch of road leading towards the lawn where the party was. She took the treehouse all the way in and parked it next to a tree.

"Ah." She said. "Perfectly disguised."

She clambered over the longest branch, armed with her notepad and pencil and surveyed the area.

It was a small party of about twelve. Ranbir Kapoor and Imran Khan were dressed similarly, in black, and were standing right under the branch, mingling with their guests. Ranbir was getting progressively more and more drunk. Based on her exemplary stalking abilities, SSSK was able to instantly tell that the invite had been sent to star kids and newbies making their debut in Bollywood.

Ranbir - Abbe woh chhoti bachi kaun hai?

Imran - Chhoti bachi? Woh? Arre woh Mahesh Bhatt ki beti hai...

Ranbir - Mahesh Bhatt ki beti... Pooja Bhatt??? Isn't she like... umm... 83?

Imran - Arre Pooja nahin, Mahesh Bhatt ki chhoti beti Alia Bhatt.

Ranbir - Aha! Chal ragging karte hain...

Imran - Abbe bahut innocent hai yaar, rehne de... shakal dekh kar lag raha hai rone lagegi... phir Mahesh Uncle Mamu ko phone karenge and as usual I'll get into trouble...

Ranbir - Abbe, hum log seniors hai. Freshies ki ragging toh karni padegi...

Both walk towards Alia.

Ranbir (more than a little tipsy) - Helllooooo... Alia. Correct?

Alia - No, it's not Ahluwalia. It's Bhatt.

Ranbir - Whatt??

Alia - No, Bhatt!

Ranbir - Huh???

Imran (rolls eyes) - Sheesh. Hi, Alia. I am Imran. This is Ranbir. Thanks for coming to our party.

Alia - Oh it's my pleasure.

Ranbir - So Alia, rumour has it that you're dating your co-star Varun Dhawan?

Alia - Ummm... ya.

Ranbir - This Varun Dhawan is David Dhawan's son, yeah? The Govinda wala David Dhawan??

Varun (suddenly turning up from nowhere) - Hey! I take offense to that.

Ranbir - Oh... sorry, bro. I retract the statement.

Varun - No worries. Anyway Dad said I can't take offense till I become a star.

Imran - Ahem. Okayyy... So Alia, you're only 17. Your Dad is okay with you dating Varun?

Alia - Ummm... ya. Dad is the one who asked Varun and me to say that we're dating.

Varun - Oh yes, that's correct.

Imran - Huh? Why??

Alia and Varun (together) - Because then people will watch our movie.

Somewhere in a posh house several miles away, Mahesh Bhatt, listening to the conversation through a bug, does a facepalm.

Ranbir and Imran try to hide their sniggers.

Imran (spots hot chick) - Va va vooooooom! Who is that?????

Ranbir - Abbe, stop drooling. Shaadi-shuda insaan kahin ka!!

Imran - Bol na, kaun hai yeh??

Ranbir - Tere league se bahut oopar hai. Rockstar ki heroine hai.

Imran - So what? Main bhi Superstar ka bhanja hoon!

Hot chick (flirtily) - Hiii, boys!

Alia checks out the hot chick from top to bottom with a look of disgust.

Ranbir (Gabbar style) - Ab tera kya hoga, Alia?

Imran - Umm... Hi, I am Imran. And you are...?

Hot chick - Nargis. Nargis Fakhri.

Imran - Nargis what-ri??

Nargis - Fakh! Fakh!

Alia (presses her hands over her ears) - Aaaaaaaaa! Profanity. Profanity. I'm only 17!

Ranbir (spots Ahana Deol walking towards them) - Alia, tujhe toh paap lag gaya. Ask Ahana to purify you... with her Kent Aar-Wo purifier. Ha ha ha!

Ahana (gives Ranbir a dirty look) - Please. That's not the only thing I am known for. Both Didi and I have tons of offers, ok?

Imran (under his breath) - Esha ko disha nahin mil rahi, aur Ahana ko bahana nahin mil raha! Ranbir, chal yaar, let's see ladke kaise hain.

Both approach a pimply teenager.

Ranbir - Hi, I am Ranbir. This is Imran. And you are...?

Pimply teenager - Tiger. Tiger Shroff. Son of Jackie Shroff.

Imran - Tiger Shroff?? Hahaha! Asli naam kya hai?

Tiger (offended) - Yeh asli naam hi hai.

Ranbir - Abbe, jab tere dad ka asli naam Jackie nahin tha, toh tera asli naam Tiger kahan se?

Tiger - What?? Dad ka asli naam Jackie nahin hai???

Imran (showing off his Bollywood knowledge) - It's actually Jai Kishan Kakubhai Shroff.

Tiger - WHAT?!! You must be joking. (dials a number) Dad?? Your real name is Jai Kishan Kakubhai Shroff??? Like.. seriously?? What?! O.M.G. What about my real name? Is it Tiger or not?? WHAT?! Then what is it?? WHAT???!!! Jai Hemant?? What kind of a name is that???

Ranbir and Imran are having a tough time controlling their giggles. A very upset Tiger Shroff walks off.

Ranbir - Tiger toh gaya, yeh kaun aaya?

Rocky - Hi, I am Rocky Deol.

Ranbir - Achha?? Hahahaha! Rocky?? Asli naam kya hai?

Rocky - It is Rocky. Mere family mein aise stylish naam hi hote hain. Jaise ki Papa is Sunny and chachu is Bobby.

Imran (delighted to be able to show off again) - Don't you mean Ajay Singh Deol and Vijay Singh Deol?

Rocky - WHAT?!!

Rocky undergoes the same 'dial Daddy's number' routine and leaves the party, visibly upset.

Imran - Yeh kya kya naam rakh dete hain log apne bachon ke??

Ranbir - Hahaha! I know man... Achha is bakre ko pakadte hain, shaayad iska koi normal naam ho.

Imran - Hey, bro. I am Imran and this is Ranbir. And you are...?

Bakra - Hi, I am Sakshi.

Ranbir (chokes on his drink) - WHAT?! (whispers to Imran) Abbe how drunk am I? I swear I see a guy in front of me!

Imran (under his breath) - It is a guy, you dhakkan. (to Sakshi) You are Sakshi??

Sakshi - Yep. I am Sakshi Khanna. Vinod Khanna's son.

Ranbir - So your name is really Sakshi? You are a guy and your name is Sakshi??

Imran - Shut up, Ranbir.

Sakshi (sulking) - Well, yeah... I don't know why Dad decided to name me Sakshi.

Ranbir - Hmmm... Maybe he hates you. Yeh baap log hote hi aise hain, bachon ki khushiyan dekhi nahin jaati unse. Mere wale ko hi dekho, he keeps asking me to stay away from my heroines and focus on my career. Jealoussss!

Sakshi (temper rising) - My Dad doesn't hate me ok??!! And I will change my name before my debut ok??? And then no one will tease me ok?????

Imran - Baap re, itna gussa! I have a great suggestion for your new name based on your fiery temper. You should call yourself AgniSakshi! Ha Ha ha!

Sakshi storms out.

Ranbir and Imran have a debrief session by the pool.

Imran - So? What do you think? How's the competition?

Ranbir - Competition?! Hahahaha! Look at them, man! Total dhakkans. Relax, we have nothing to worry about. It's going to be us all the way.

Meanwhile, in one of the hotel rooms upstairs, Shah Rukh, Aamir and Salman are watching Imran and Ranbir using a spy cam.

Aamir - So? What do you think?

SRK - Hahahaha! Look at them, man! Total dhakkans. Relax, we have nothing to worry about. It's going to be us all the way.

Perspective

2011-03-24T08:45:00.005+08:00

I really should do a series called 'gyaan for grown-ups' by baby Aish. Sample this.

Me (on phone to sis) - What's Aish up to? Getting ready for school?

Sis - Actually she has a fever, so she won't go today. Aish, you want to talk to Mausi?

Aish (feeble voice) - Mausiii...

Me - Yes, Aishu... What happened to you?

Aish - I have a fever...

Me - Poor baby... it will get better soon. How did you get it?

Aish - I got it from my friend. And I can't go to school now.

Me - Oh dear. You must not like it at all, isn't it?

Aish - No, I still like the friend. I just don't like the fever.

Point of return

2011-03-23T23:12:00.002+08:00

The Bhai is back.

A thousand apologies to the bewdas for suddenly disappearing on them, and a thousand thanks to the bewdas who wrote in to check on me. No, the Bhai wasn't arrested or anything. (Well, come to think of it, she kind of was, but we will talk about that another day.)

For now, I am back in the bar and it's business as usual.

Cheers!

Mum's (the) word

2011-03-02T06:03:00.004+08:00

So Mom was here for a visit, and on one of the days, Viv and I were supposed to call her when she was at home and tell her to take a bus and meet us at a place at a particular time. Now this was going to be a big event, because she had never really taken the bus by herself to a new place before. Viv had given her rough instructions, but had told her that we would call and tell her again.

When we called her, the phone was beeping (or like my niece Aishu says, "Mausi, your phone is crying. You need to charge it.") so Mom said she will change the batteries first in case we got cut off in the middle of our conversation. So she hung up and that's it -- we just couldn't get through to her after that. It looked like the phone was indeed out of charge, and though Viv had shown her where the charged batteries were, she was probably having a tough time opening the phone to change them. I don't blame her -- many a pretty and blameless fingernail of mine had perished in the attempts to change the batteries and so it was always Viv who changed them.

Viv and I stared at each other. Now what??

"Do you think she will panic?" He asked.

"No," I said, "I think she's already panicking!"

"Maybe she will just stay put at home?"

"But what if she leaves home based on your earlier instructions?? And then we can't find her??"

"Maybe we should go home now and pick her up?"

"What if she has already left home by the time we get there?"

"Maybe she will try to open the phone with a screwdriver or something?"

"Maybe she has already broken the phone?"

Ok. Ok. Stop panicking. Regroup. Regroup. Think. I told myself.

"Ah!" I said.

"What?" Viv asked.

"She will go to a neighbour."

"Are you sure??"

"Yep. She's an Indian Mom. They do that. I'm telling you. She will pakka go to a neighbour!"

I was confident, even though I had just had this conversation with her a few days ago.

Mom - So who lives here?
Me - Dunno.
Mom - And this side?
Me - Dunno.
Mom - And opposite?
Me - Dunno.
Mom - You don't know your neighbours??
Me - Um, no. It's different in Singapore. We don't really have the "Aunty, Mummy ne ek katori cheeni mangaayi hai." or "Bhabhiji, hum ek mahiney ke liye out of town ja rahe hain. Yeh rahi ghar ki chaabhiyan, zara nazar rakhiyega?"
Mom - So you have no interaction with your own neighbours??
Me - Yeeahh.. Not so much. If I went over and started talking to them about cheeni ki katori or chaabhiyan, I'd probably get dirty looks...

I don't know. Maybe it's me, maybe I've just become cynical, but the vibrant 'neighbour culture' in India, is truly found only in India. It's not like I have not made an effort, but things here are more formal and people don't 'haq se' impose themselves on their neighbours the way they do in India. And that's how I have adapted myself to live here.

Anyway, so back to my story and how it ended -- Mom called Viv about 15 minutes later. From some unknown number.

Not only had she found a willing-to-help neighbour, she had found a happy-to-help Indian neighbor.

Jai ho, Mom!

A household name

2011-02-28T17:00:00.005+08:00

Okay, someone just introduced herself to me with a "My name is Sheela." and I just gaped at her for five seconds, not knowing what to say. All I can say is that it took an immense amount of self-control not to say the next few lines, complete with the clapping hands dance movement.

Guess that's one more name that will be struck off the new editions of baby name books, along with Munni.

Sibling revelry

2011-02-15T12:14:00.008+08:00

My sister and I are on google video chat this morning, and she grins and asks, "So how did you celebrate Valentine's Day?"

"Did you just say - celebrate Valentine's Day???" I asked.

We looked at each other, there was a 2-second pause, and then both of us burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Sometimes there's nothing as heartening as two sisters sharing the exact same sentiment about something. :)

Come again?

2011-02-07T11:28:00.006+08:00

So I was flipping through the channels when Viv asked me to stop at one. The song 'Bahara' from 'I Hate Luv Storys' was playing. The song makes me cringe (not as much as the way the word 'stories' has been spelt in the title, or the movie itself, or Sonam Kapoor, but it still makes me cringe for some reason).

"Eeeee. This one? I hate this song!" I said.

"WHAT?! I love it!" He said, shocked.

"I don't understand it. What is "Bahara bahara... hua dil pehli baar ve"?? Is something missing? What does she mean "Dil bahara hua?" What does bahara mean anyway??"

"You don't know what bahara means?????" He looked really shocked this time.

"Erm, no... I know 'bahaar' is spring. What is bahara???" I said, a little embarrassed, because I am always making fun of his knowledge of Hindi lyrics and their meaning.

"Bahara," he said slowly and solemnly, as if he was explaining something to a small child, "means 'come out'."

Count on me

2011-01-31T16:39:00.010+08:00

Me (on the phone with my niece who is four and a half) - Hi Aishu! Your mom says you have picked up some Spanish from your Dora DVDs??

Aish - Yes!

Me - That's great! Can you count from 1 to 10?

So Aish counts to 10 in Spanish. I don't know if it's correct but it sure sounds impressive.

The next day...

Aish - Mausi!!

Me - Yes, baby!

Aish - Yi, er, san!

Whoa. Did she just say 1-2-3 in Chinese???? I can hear my sister laughing in the background.

Me - Wow, Aishu!!! Now you're learning Chinese!!!! Can you count to 10?

Aish - I can count to 3. Yi, er, san!

Me - Okay, let me teach you how to count to 5, ok? Yi, er, san, si, wu!

Aish - Yi, er, san, si, wu!

Me - Very good! If you remember this tomorrow, I'll teach you how to count till 10, ok?

The next day...

Aish - Mausi... Yi, er, san...

Me - What's next?

Aish - Hmmm...

Me - Si, wu!

Aish - Yi, er, san, wu, si!

Me - Uh oh! It's yi, er, san, si, wu!

Aish - Yi, er, san, si, wu!

Me - Very good!

Aish - And how do I count to 10?

Me - Try and remember 1 to 5 first, and then I'll teach you how to count to 10. Ok?

Aish - Hmm... why don't you just email it to me?

Me - !!

All in a day's work

2011-01-29T20:29:00.005+08:00

So Viv and I had been doing some housekeeping on old files and folders, and we couldn't finish it over one weekend. Some of the folders that he was supposed to sort were on the floor and they stayed there the whole week.

On Friday, I finally lost it and said, "Viv, when are you going to clear these folders off the floor? They have been there all week yaar!"

"Arre, tomorrow is Saturday na..." He said.

"Hmmm... ok. Thanks." I said gratefully.

10 seconds later...

"Hehehehehe..."

"What hehehehe??" I asked.

"Fooled you! I didn't say I'll clear the folders tomorrow. I was just telling you what day it is tomorrow." He grinned.

:|

***

Happy anniversary, you dhakkan. May the madness never end! :)

Have a Bolly good time III

2011-01-16T17:30:00.003+08:00

Okie dok, so here's the third of the Bollywood A to Z quizzes. The theme for this one is sibling rivalry, which actually makes the quiz relatively easy to crack. See if you can identify A to Z?

A and B are siblings who have starred in a couple of movies together, though A is obviously more successful than B. B is married to C who has also appeared in many movies, though never as a lead. C's sibling D has played in the lead, but has failed to make the impact that C has. D's best friend E has also made a successful career in Bollywood and is the pioneer of a recent and much-aped body-related trend. E's sibling also did well in the industry, even winning a national award for the movie F. F was directed by G, who worked for his sibling H in his early days in Bollywood. G has won multiple awards and there is even a lake named unofficially after him. G's kids I and J are also part of the industry, albeit in different fields. I has made a mark while J is still struggling (and has probably given up by now). J's debut movie was K, which was also the debut movie of L. L's career did not really take off but sibling M is a successful star, and has even made some waves abroad. L also tried out television but did not meet any success. The same television show also featured N in another season. N's Bollywood career never really took off, but the name N features amongst Bollywood's top MMS scandals. N's sibling O made a sensational debut in the movie P directed by Q. Q's sibling R also happens to work in Bollywood, though in a different line. P featured a popular dance number choreographed by the very successful S, whose sibling T is associated with comedy movies. The first movie S choreographed in was U, featuring V in the lead. V's sibling also featured in a few movies alongside his brother, and even tried his hand at a leading role, but without success. V acted in a ground-breaking movie directed by W whose sibling X is also a filmmaker. X's last movie Y with W in the lead, featured Z in a cameo. To close the loop, Z is so not friends with A anymore.

The birds and the nerds

2011-01-12T19:30:00.000+08:00

Me - Hmmm... so these birds are supposed to be... umm... angry?

Viv - Yup.

Me - Because the pigs stole their eggs?

Viv - Yup.

Me - The pigs stole their eggs??

Viv - Yup.

Me - And they launch themselves off a slingshot to hit the pigs?

Viv - Yup.

Me - And most of them just die and then they explode?

Viv - Yup.

Me - And yet, they're so eager to die, the second in line is already jumping up and down waiting for its turn on the slingshot?

Viv - Yup.

Me - And some of these pigs wear... umm... helmets?

Viv - Yup.

Me - And you don't find any of this ridiculous???

Viv - Try it.

Ooooh. Dangerous dangerous words. Bad bad idea.

Now I am addicted. :|

And the biggest side-effect?

Like Viv says (and I fully agree), every time you see a bird anywhere, you wonder if it's angry.

Random review: No one killed Jessica

2011-01-10T20:10:00.006+08:00

Ah. First Hindi movie of the year in the theatre. I didn't want it to be a serious one, but I did want to catch 'No one killed Jessica' just because Raj Kumar Gupta's first movie 'Aamir' was just so mind-blowingly awesome. So, there we were, the usual trio of Pizzadude, Viv and me at Jade yesterday. And here, as usual, are my random thoughts about the movie:

I always wondered why the movie was titled 'No one killed Jessica'. Why didn't they pick a Hindi title, or simply 'Jessica' (to follow 'Aamir')? Then I read that after the accused got off scot-free to everyone's shock, newspapers reported the news with the headline 'No one killed Jessica' to show the irony. Hmmm. Interesting and creative. Now I really like the title.
Most reviews I read have raved about Vidya Balan's restrained performance in the movie. I, however, felt that perhaps it was a bit too restrained. My image of Sabrina Lall was of a fiery, spirited, brave and relentless woman who never gave up, even though it took her years to get justice. Vidya's character, however, seemed kind of passive and boring. I read that Vidya never met Sabrina, maybe she should have?
It was refreshing to see Rani Mukherjee get away from the mould and try her hand at playing such an interesting character. I thought she pulled off the fearless, swear-word-spouting reporter role quite well, even though it's not her home territory.
Rani looked thinner than usual in the movie. But when she went on Bigg Boss to promote the movie, she looked her plump self.
Speaking of Bigg Boss, did anyone catch that episode? Salman invited Raj Kumar Gupta on stage and said, "Aapne Aamir banayi, bahut achhi thi. Ab Salman kab bana rahe ho?" Hey bhagwaaaaaaaan. Like one of my friends said, Sallu is so bad he's good.
Speaking of interesting characters, the policeman played by Rajesh Sharma was amazingly written. Very intriguing.
The actress Myra, who played Jessica, was hot and pretty at the same time. A rare combination. And she looks a lot like the real Jessica Lall.
I kept wondering why they gave Vidya such dowdy clothes, and how come the two sisters in the movie looked and dressed so very differently. Until I saw pictures of the real life Sabrina Lall. Google her. You'll also go "Ah ok." like me.
Okay I need to ask you this if you watched the movie in the theatre. Did everyone in the audience burst out laughing every time Monu's mother appeared on screen? We did! She was ridiculous!
I wondered why they only kept the original names of Jessica and Sabrina and changed the others like Bina Ramani, Malini Ramani, Sayan Munshi and Ram Jethmalani (Shyam Tolani?? ROFL!). And Vikram Jai Singh doesn't even sound like a Bong name.
Also, why didn't they stick to the original investigators Tehelka and Star News instead of giving all the credit to NDTV?
The music is really nice, especially the song 'Yeh pal' by Shilpa Rao. She has such an awesome voice, I loved her 'Ek lau' in 'Aamir' too. Oh, don't listen to 'Dilli' too many times, you will get so addicted it will drive you nuts.
Loved the guys who played APJ Abdul Kalam and Manmohan Singh. The heads (no pun intended) were spot-on!
The dialogue was really good. I liked this one in particular. "Mujhe ek karod nahin chahiye they. Lekin mujhe ek goli bhi nahin khani thi." Though he became the laughing stock of everyone with his 'I don't know Hindi' statement, he did give us something to think about. What would we have done in his shoes?
Overall, I hope the movie becomes a huge hit, not because it's better than 'Aamir' (it isn't), but because 'Aamir' didn't get its due and at least Raj Kumar Gupta should.

Annual report - 2010

2010-12-31T18:39:00.004+08:00

Aaaand... wrapping up the year is the usual Bar's Annual Report (which I just realised incidentally also abbreviates into BAR. Hey bhagwaaaaan.).

2010 was the year...

... that started with a bang -- the Sonu Nigam live concert

... when two of my bestest friends R and A visited Singapore, bringing out the insane jokes all over again

... when a crowd proved how powerful it can be, albeit in a very wrong way

... when Viv had a chance to play against Jayasuriya, and get Upul Tharanga's wicket

... when Viv couldn't be around for my birthday because of work, and made it up by driving me around California, on the road trip that we had been planning for the longest time

... when Aish turned four and too wise for her Mausi

... when Dad's post-retirement organic kitchen garden really took off. I know I have mentioned this like 36485902464 times but I cannot get over the 9.5-kg pumpkin he grew without using any chemicals

... when I had the chance to meet mehfil ke puraane bewdas and bewdi Sudipta, Varsha and Jay

... when Viv and I completed a dozen years of living in Singapore

... when both sets of parents visited us in a span of a few months, first the in-laws, and then after successful implementation of the green strategy, the parents too

... when Dad's blog finally kicked off

... when S2 moved back to India. My feelings about it can be summed up from the following conversation I had with Pizzadude. "So? Are they happy to be back in India?" I asked. "Yeah. I think so." He said. "Damnit." I said.

... when Viv ran his third full marathon. I, erm, contributed. I think.

... and finally, the big celebration -- 6 years of the Bar. Can't believe it has survived 6 years. May the madness never stop!

Cheers, bewdas, and have a super 2011! :D

Contract of deed

2010-12-29T22:38:00.008+08:00

On 31st December last year, I wrote a post inviting bewdas to use the comments space as a blank 'contract' and put down their resolution for 2010 using only one word. To those who would leave some kind of contact details, I promised to follow up with a nudge or a kick in the ass to see how they did. So today I sat down and got in touch with them on this. Some had left their email addresses with their comments and for some, I got the email address off their blogs. Responses have started trickling in and I am really kicked.

[Oh, in case you're curious, my resolution for the year was 'discipline' and I gave myself a 'Met expectations' rating.]

So for next year, in a similar vein, I have a question for you, bewdas.

"What will you do in 2011 that you have never done before?"

Due to the nature of the question, it's not confined to only one word this year. Feel free to use as many words as you need. Do sign your 'contract with yourself' in the comments space, and I promise to get in touch again at the end of 2011!

Happy new year, y'all! :D

This is unheard of!

2010-12-28T19:47:00.004+08:00

I know. I know. The bar is getting Bollywood OD. I promise this is the last Bollywood post of 2010! But I have to do this because of tradition. Last year I wrote a post of all the movies that had released in the year that most of us had never heard of, and I thought I should continue the tradition this year too.

Presenting, bewdas and bewdis, movies that apparently released this year, making me go "Huh?? When??"

Did you know of any of them??

A distant mirage
Aakhari decision
Admissions open
Apartment
A flat
Ada...a way of life
And once again
Ashok chakra
Baru - the wonder kid
Benny and Babloo
Bhindi Baazar Inc.
Chase
Daayen ya baayen
Deewangi ne hadd kar di
Do dilon ke khel mein
Dus tola
Ek second... jo zindagi badal de
Gumshuda
Hello! Hum Lallan bol rahe hain
Hello zindagi
Hide & seek
Idiot box
It
It's a man's world
Jaane bhi do yaaron
Khalbali - fun unlimited
Kis hudh tak
Krantiveer - the revolution
Life express
Kuchh kariye
Kushti
Maalik ek
Mr. Bhatti on chutti
Musaa
Mr Singh Mrs Mehta
Muskurake dekh zara
Na ghar ka na ghaat ka
Prem kaa game
Raat gayi baat gayi
Road to sangam
Soch lo
Sukhmani
Swaha
Taalisman
Thanks Maa
The waiting room
Trump card
Zindagi tere naam
Zokkomon

Have a Bolly good time II

2010-12-27T20:28:00.010+08:00

I had so much fun cracking the A-to-Z Bollywood quiz that I decided to try my hand at designing one myself. It also looks like many of you bewdas also went nuts over it. Do try the one below. It's my first and I decided to start off with something relatively simple. I think many bewdas will be able to easily crack this. If all goes well, I'll make this a regular flavour at the bar next year. I may need to ban two-time champion bewda/bewdi Sandwalker from these quizzes though. ;)

PS: Don't read the comments section if you want to try solving it first.

Movie A almost featured popular Bollywood star B but the role of the phenomenally popular character C went to D instead, reviving his career. D's close relatives E and F played mother and son in a movie G. G also featured H whose son went on to marry D's sister. H's son also starred with D in a hit movie I, which featured an iconic song J sung by ghazal maestro K. This movie was directed by a famous director L whose relative M is known for the rather liberal use of a certain set of facial muscles. M's cousin N shot into notoriety by featuring on a controversial magazine cover. N won the Filmfare Best Female Debut award for her role in the movie O even though technically her first movie was P, both directed by L. O also featured talented actor Q in a prominent role. Q, who has won the Filmfare Best Comedian award multiple times, received critical acclaim for his convincing portrayal of an old man in movie R, also directed by L. He was also part of one of the biggest Bollywood hits of all time S, directed by T and featuring U as one of the leads. U's relative V, rumoured to be headed for the altar with T, was the lead in a movie opposite talented and popular superstar W, where W sang a chartbuster X. W also acted in a very long movie Y, opposite Z. To close the loop, Z was the female lead in A.

Subordinate Claus

2010-12-26T15:04:00.006+08:00

Christmas eve. I call up baby Aish.

Me - Hi, Aishu! What's happening?

Aish - I'm waiting for my surprise present.

Me - Oh. Who's getting you a surprise present?

Aish - Santa.

Me - Oh! Santa?

Aish - Yes, Santa will come on a reindeer and he'll bring my present.

Me - Wow. What present will he bring for you?

Aish - Umm... I need shoes. I think he will bring me shoes.

Me - Aishuuuu....

Aish - What?

Me - I need shoes too!!!

Aish - Okay, he will bring shoes for you too.

Me - Sure? You'll tell him??

Aish - Okay, I will call him and tell him.

Wow. Reaching Santa had never been this easy. :)

Pair tuney kya kiya - results show

2010-12-24T18:00:00.005+08:00

Wow. Usually, there's a clear winner in such polls, one that outnumbers all others considerably. This time, however, there are just too many contenders, and though we do have a clean winner, this one just got 4 out of the 30-something votes while the rest got 1-2 each.

Prem Aggan got 2 votes, though one of the voters mistakenly referred to the heroine Meghna Kothari as Neelam Kothari. Oh boy, Sameer Soni would refuse to step out of the Bigg Boss house forever, and poor Neelam Kothari would surely have fainted if she was asked to say the sleazy line that Meghna Kothari had to say, "Sooraj, mujhe woh haseen dard de do jise aaj ke baad main kisi doosre ke saath na baant sakoon." (WHAT?! You don't believe someone actually wrote a piece of dialogue like that?? Look for this scene on Youtube, it's there.)

As for my own vote, I really couldn't decide. Urmila and Himesh were quite intolerable in Karzzz but then he's intolerable with anyone. Sanju and Urmila looked pretty bad in Daud. Ajay Devgn with Aisha Takia was a bad choice in 'Sunday'. And oh, moustache or no moustache, SRK with Sridevi in Army was no-NO-NO! I recently watched 'Run' on TV (oh my goodness how crappy is that movie?!) and thought Abhishek and Bhoomika looked really funny together. Both have very fat lower lips and they ended up looking like each other.

Anyway, back to the results of this poll. Presenting, the most hopeless onscreen pairing of them all, the winner of this poll -- Shahid Kapoor and Vidya Balan in 'Kismat Konnection'. Voters felt that she looked like his mother, his sister, etc. etc. Basically everything except his heroine.
[Image courtesy b4utv.com]

Pair tuney kya kiya

2010-12-22T18:42:00.008+08:00

It's been a while since we had a Bollywood poll at the bar. So here it is, the last one of the year!

Name the worst onscreen pairing you ever saw in a Hindi movie. You have to name the movie, the actor, the actress and why seeing them together made you cringe-cringe-cringe. The cringing should be only because of the pairing and not how bad the movie was, etc.

Do drop your votes in the comments box. Comment moderation will stay on till the results are revealed in the next post, so you won't be able to see your (or others') comments until then. For the umpteenth time, there is no point yelling 'Gold!' on such posts! :P

Humble beginnings

2010-12-19T18:59:00.005+08:00

So I called up my sister and she told me Aish had won the third prize in an art competition in the 'kindergarten' category.

"Hey, but she's only in pre-school!" I said.

"I know." My sister said proudly, "But she was there so they allowed her to enter in the youngest category they had, and she actually won!"

"Give her the phone." I said.

"Mausiiii... I won a prize!" I heard Aishu say.

"I heard, baby. Well done! You are a genius!" I said, proudly.

"I am not a genius!" She said indignantly. "I am Aishu."

Wah wah.

Never mind the fact that she said that because she doesn't know what on earth 'genius' means (she probably thought I was calling her a monkey or something), but what a lesson in humility to all grown-ups. :)

I stand corrected

2010-12-17T18:43:00.010+08:00

Viv - Your phone is really bad. You should change it.

Me - What?! Why?? My phone is fine!

Viv - It's not. It's really bad. You should change it.

Me - You gave me this phone!

Viv - I know. But now you should change it.

Me - Change it to what??

Viv - E71.

Me - E71?! That's worse than my Samsung. The keys are microscopic! They need to throw in a toothpick free so people can type messages.

Viv - It's a great phone. You should change to that.

Me - Why should I get the E71 of all phones?? Just because you have one... ohhh... AHA!!

Viv - Erm, what?

Me - You want an iPhone, don't you?

Viv - Err...

Me - You want to get an iPhone and you want to hand me down your E71 so you wouldn't feel bad. AHA!!!!!!

Viv - *grin*

Me - Sorry, dude. Not gonna happen.

Sheesh. I remember him comparing the E71 and iPhone, and finally picking the E71 for some reason. (Don't ask me about phones. As long as I can send/receive calls and messages, I don't care much for other features. Exasperated friends will also tell you that I am notorious for not keeping my phone near me and in the process missing 99.99% of the calls. It's true. I really don't care what/where/how my phone is.) Anyway, back to the story. So now, within a year, he wants to switch to an iPhone. Sheesh.

Cut to yesterday. I was on Facebook and someone had shared this link. Okay, do you remember the last time you had laughed so hard you had tears in your eyes? That's what happened to me when I read the stuff on the site. I read page after page after page... Inappropriately hilarious!

So when Viv walked into the room, I showed him the link.

"So. This is the phone you wanted to get, yeah?" I asked him, wiping my tears away. "You should totally get it."

Band bajaa diya

2010-12-16T19:41:00.005+08:00

Random thoughts after watching Band Baaja Baaraat at Jade theatre with Viv and Pizzadude last night:

Image courtesy sulekha.com

A lot of hyped movies released recently but I did not want to watch any of them. I did not want to watch KHJJS or Break Ke Baad because I can't stand Deepika. I did not want to watch Guzaarish because I can't stand Aishwarya. I did not want to watch No Problem because I can't stand Kangana after watching her in the latest episode of Koffee with Karan. Phas Gaya Re Obama didn't release in Singapore, but I am not sure if I'd have watched it because I can't stand Neha Dhupia either. (Whoa, that's a whole load of actresses I can't stand, eh?)
It was a very good decision to skip all the crap and go for this movie. Viv and I had been curious about Band Baajaa Baaraat ever since we saw the trailer on TV. And they also kept showing the making of the 'Ainwain ainwain' song on TV so it was stuck in my head.
Before the movie, they showed the full trailer of Toonpur ka Superhero. I was never going to watch it anyway because, um, I can't stand Kajol after K3G and Fanaa, but after watching the trailer, wild horses can't drag me to the theatre for this one. There's a scene where the cartoons ask Ajay Devgan, 'Tumhaare pass kaun si gun hai?' and he quips, 'Dev-gun'. SHEESH. DABBAL SHEESH. "You dhakkan!" I wanted to scream at the screen. "You ain't got no gun anymore. You took the 'u' out, didn't you? Now you've just got 'gn'!" (Of course I can pronounce 'gn'. I live in a country where 'Ng' is a common surname.)
On a side note, I have to say this before I forget -- the samosas at the Indian stall on level 1 of Shaw Tower are AWESOME. (Yeah, we smuggled some in. Shhhh!)
I didn't like Anushka Sharma too much in Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, but in Band Baaja Baaraat, I must say she totally blew me away with her acting skills. She pulled off a wide range of emotions so effortlessly. Can't believe they picked up this gem off the ramp!
I'd never found her very pretty either, but in this movie, she really looks very good, even though it's in the girl-next-door way.
One of my favourite scenes of hers was the one where Ranveer says, "Ek karod mein toh aath zero hote hain na??" And she says, "Nahin buddhu, saat." The way she laughs in that scene is so natural, it's almost as if it was a blooper and they just decided to use it because it was so good.
The new guy Ranveer Singh was very good too, and I especially adored the way he spoke. Binnas, anyone? He's not much of a looker, but then you never know -- if Ajay Devgn made it to the A-list, maybe there's hope for Ranveer too.
The dialogue was really earthy and witty. "Gueston ko dekho!" "Phati kyun padi hai teri?" "Kahin aur setting hai?" "Ya toh khul ke hanso ya hanso hi mat!" "Shitt bhi bolti hai toh lagta hai FM baj raha hai."
Okay, we have like three versions of the name in Bollywood now -- Ranbir, Ranvir and Ranveer. What next? Run-beer?
Jhataak though they were, I loved Anushka's outfits.
I liked the music quite a bit, especially 'Tarkeebein'.
The "Sir... tubelight..." touch was sheer genius.
The movie is getting good reviews all over. What I love the most is the fact that this simple homely tale totally band-bajaaoed all the recent big releases. It may not do well in terms of binnas, but it's really worth a watch.

Have a Bolly good time!

2010-12-13T21:13:00.008+08:00

One of the bewdis of the bar AA sent me the ultimate baap of Bollywood quizzes. [Yes, those are her initials and not me calling her an Anonymous Alcoholic though I just realised that all bewdas and bewdis at the bar are actually anonymous alcoholics.]

It was too good not to share with my Bollywood buddy Pizzadude. So we met over the weekend, watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai to get into the fultu Bollywood mode, and cracked the puzzle.

You guys wanna take a stab at it? :)

A is one of the lead actresses of movie B. In the movie, there's a famous cabaret number C picturised on her and D, a close relative of a well known Bollywood director E. E's relative F made his debut with a flop movie G. G happens to be the launch pad of another debutant H. One of H's relatives I is famous for producing a healthy mix of Bollywood hits and flops, most recently being J, featuring K and L. K's father M is a talented actor who is now working with H for his movie N. N is also the name of another old movie which starred a super talented actor O who immortalised a character P in a super hit movie Q. Q also starred a famous Bollywood couple R and S. S tried her hand at directing a movie T which also featured a famous Bollywood star U and late V. U and V also starred in U's first movie W which also had X, who happens to be another relative of E. X starred in some famous multi-starrers, one of them being Y, titled on the names of its lead characters; also having Z as one of the leads. To complete the cycle, Z also featured with A in B.

PS: Okay, sooner or later, one of the bewdas/bewdis will crack the code, but the true Bollywood fan will not peek at the comments box until he/she has cracked it himself/herself, okay? Okay!

Yours for keeps

2010-12-11T09:29:00.007+08:00

You know your joke is really, like REALLY bad, when even Viv, the king of bad jokes, refuses to laugh at it. :|

So Mr. Wicket Keeper is in Malaysia with the team for a tournament, and when he called yesterday after the first day of the match, I said brightly, "Hi Viv, hope you're keeping well. Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Complete silence. Hmmph! :/

In search of the truth - IV

2010-12-10T09:05:00.004+08:00

I haven't posted anything on the search keywords bewdas have used to land at the bar in some time. Luckily, there are no really disturbing ones in this round, but 'Sheela Kijwani' turned up -- that was fast! And someone tried to find the Bhai on linkedin. Underworld ke links linkedin par nahin hote, beta. Muahahaha!

Anyway, here is the list:

veshti
senorita banana
wedding sehri things
akshay kumar barana de lyrics
sayesha on the orcdks
dil toh pagal hai dialogues
Mirja Ghalib ki gajalein
hot sexi movie on facebook
juba pe laga lyrics
jab we met... ek dam kadak beauty ..dialogue
badminton player ali yaar baig's narcotics baned
dehleez ke diye
galyan sakli sonyachi lyrics
cost of haircut at vlcc
on the rocks
jigar ka tukda means
"sheela kijwani" sayesha
mineral water pani puri indore
veer zaara locations wagah border
words to write in a farewell card
sonakshi taller than salman
mujh se ladne ki himmat to juta loge par kaminapan kahan se laoge?
Sayesha bartender Bhai, linkedin

Truth of the youth

2010-12-07T18:33:00.009+08:00

I had been hearing and reading a lot about Munni vs. Sheela on radio. Also, someone's Facebook status was 'Agar Sheela pehle jawaan ho jaati toh Munni itni badnaam nahin hoti'. Sheesh, but it made me laugh. So I decided to look up this Sheela chick.

And it drove me nuts. I'm not sure if it's in a good or a bad way. Agreed, that Katrina looks hot and the tune is really catchy, but what's with the lyrics???

My name is Sheela
Sheela ki jawani
I'm too sexy for you
Main tere haath na aani

Am I missing something? What does she mean "My name is Sheela, Sheela ki jawani"? Sheela ki jawani what?! There's no follow-up to the words 'Sheela ki jawani'! She just goes on to a completely new statement! In English! It's driving me mad!!! I need to be able to explain it!!!! (Though honestly I don't think it bothers anyone as much as it bothers me.)

Wait, maybe she's Sindhi and her surname is Kijawani? Now THAT makes sense -- My name is Sheela. Sheela Kijawani. Like 'My name is Bond. James Bond.' No? Okay fine. Hmmph. You explain it.

For those who have not yet seen the song (unlikely), check it out, featuring as the video of the week at the bar -- 'Love-it-or-hate-it-you-can't-ignore-it -- Sheela ki jawani'.

Video courtesy Youtube

It runs in the family

2010-12-05T03:00:00.012+08:00

So the Standard Chartered marathon bib (the one that goes on the runners' back) has a space where you can write a slogan to encourage the runners behind you. Viv gave me the task of thinking of a cool slogan to put on his.

I thought and thought and after a while all I could suggest was, "Why don't you overtake me so I can see if you have a cool slogan or not?" I thought it would really encourage (or piss off) the runner behind and egg him/her to go faster (unless he/she had a really bad slogan and would prefer to stay behind Viv). Needless to say, I got a dirty look from Viv for my suggestion. That was it. It was 2 am for heaven's sake. The only part of my brain that works at such an hour is the Bollywood lobe.

So my filmi mind went on overdrive and came up with all of these slogans below, all of which got systematically rejected, of course. In the end, he went with the rather mellow "The end is near... Keep going." (I came up with the "The end is near" and I wanted to add three exclamation marks after it and leave it at that, but he added the "Keep going." and killed the drama.) Hmmmph. Booooo-ring!

So here's the list of my cool (and rejected) Bollywood slogans:

Bhaaaaago mohan pyaare...
Dauuuddd (imagine the annoying way in which Rahman sang it)
Bhaaaago... building mein... aag lag gayi hai! (think Asit Sen)
Towards the run-ji trophy
Mere run mein runne wali
Bhaag Dhanno bhaag!
Main tujhko bhaga laaya hoon tere ghar se!
Run-chhoddas Shyamaldas Chanchad
Bhaagte raho!
Chal bhaag yahan se!
Kyon aage peechhe dolte ho bhanwron ki tarah?
Duniya hai mere peechhe, lekin main tere peechhe
Aage aage chale hum, peechhe peechhe preet mitwa
Mere peechhe mere aage, haath jode duniya bhaage
Megha chhayi aadhi raat, bai-run ban gayi nindiya
Bhaag utha insaan
Raja ko running se pyaar ho gaya
Hum hain run-bhoomi ke run-veer!

Got any more?

The plane truth

2010-12-01T18:37:00.004+08:00

I got scolded. :(

By a 4-year-old. :( :(

You know how when your nieces and nephews are very young and they say these cute little random things that you love to hear so much? And then they grow up and you realise that you haven't?

Happened to me. :( :( :(

When Aishu was about 3, she used to look at the yellow school buses passing her window in fascination and dream of the day when she would be in one of them. And when I'd call her and ask, "Aishu, when will you come to Singapore?" she'd say, "I'll go to Singapore tomorrow in the ellow school bus." And then I'd ask her the same question 383565739393 times in the conversation just to hear her say 'ellow school bus' 383565739393 times.

So recently I remembered that and asked her, "Aishu, when will you come to Singapore in the ellow school bus?"

"Mausiiii...!" she exclaimed in indignation. "You don't go to Singapore in the yellow school bus! You go to school in the yellow school bus. You go to Singapore in an aeroplane!"

:|

Down the drain

2010-11-29T19:39:00.002+08:00

'Twas a usual day at work, just another Friday
But as you'll know from this story, it just wasn't my day
Without much further ado, let me spin the yarn
About what happened that fateful day, that made me go, "DARN!!"

Agreed that I'd bought you for a measly two bucks
But you were so pretty... Shucks! Shucks! Shucks!
You were this big, sparkling, purple earring
Classy and gorgeous, with just a hint of bling

'Twas just my bad luck that you went and fell
Headfirst, before I saw, into the death well
Well, not so much a death well, as the office toilet bowl
My heart broke thus, and no one could console

A quick mourning session
Followed by deep depression
Then panic began to set in
And I began sweatin'

'Cos you were lying there at the bottom of the bowl
And of the situation, I didn't have much control
I felt like a killer, with a body on his hands
"Get rid of the evidence!" Such a situation demands.

There were people waiting, who also had to pee
And before I got out, I had to get rid of thee
So forgive me, beloved earring, I had to press 'flush'
And soon you were out of sight with a sudden gush

I pocketed the other, and made my way out
The day was a disaster, I was miserable throughout
I don't know what to do with your partner who's now single
So I decided to go home and write, erm, this very long jingle.

Under the spell

2010-11-27T13:14:00.005+08:00

My phone thinks it's damn smart. It does not provide me with alternatives when it can't recognise a word I'm trying to type -- it actually replaces the word without consulting me.

Yesterday I was typing out a list of Indian spices for Viv to get from Mustafa and one of the items I wanted to include was 'Everest chilli powder'.

And what did I end up typing?

'Severest chilli powder'.

Oh well, good for me. :P

Advant-age Aish

2010-11-25T19:20:00.001+08:00

So my niece Aish calls after like a gazillion years. Obviously she's learnt something evil at school because her first question itself is politically quite incorrect.

Me - Hi Aishu, how are you??

Aish - Hi Mausi, how old are you?

Hainn?! Ahem. Ok fine. So I tell her my age.

Aish - And Mausa, how old are you?

Viv tells her his age.

We are still not fully over the depression when she drops the bomb.

Aish (and you can hear the pride in her voice) - I am FOUR YEARS OLD.

Me - GEE! THANKS A LOT, AISHU!

Aish - ??

***

I have something to say to the toddlers of the world -- there are some very insecure grown-ups around you, would you please just STOP SHOWING OFF???

Match point

2010-11-15T23:00:00.002+08:00

So Viv and I were setting off on our post-dinner walk when I remembered that I'd wanted to put on a facial mask that evening but forgotten about it. Putting it on after the walk would mean having to wait for it to dry so I could wash it off before I went to bed. (Oh the complexities that life throws our way, no?)

"Darn. Mask lagaake nikalna tha, nahin? Walk par hi dry ho jata." I joked.

And instantly both of us started singing, "Mask lagaake tuney mara, ghayal ho gaya dil bechara!" Then we realised we were both singing the same thing and stopped in the middle of the soundtrack, struck with total shock/horror/awe/amusement/delight.

After the walk, we reached home and we saw my bedroom slippers near the shoe rack. I'd forgotten I had them on till I'd reached downstairs and then come up again to change. They were a bit muddy so I'd left them outside.

"What about these? Are you going to take them inside?" The Virgo man asked.

"Yep. I'll wash them now when I wash my feet. Waise bhi pair toh dhona hi hai."

And instantly both of us started singing again, "Pair toh dhona hi tha!" Then we realised we were both singing the same thing and stopped in the middle of the soundtrack, struck with total shock/horror/awe/amusement/delight.

Sometimes I wonder how fate brought us together. And then something like this happens that answers it all.

Yep, the dhakkans that we are, no one in their right mind would have married either of us. :)

Leave of absence

2010-11-11T19:54:00.000+08:00

Ok ok ok I know I know. Trust me -- I KNOW. I have been missing from the bar for too long and the barrels are all empty and the bewdas are all sober and all that. Truth is -- I have no real excuse. I have always hated the 'I have no time' excuse because I have always believed that if you really want to do something, you'll always have time for it. So there. Guilty as charged. No excuses. Head hung in shame and all that.

So, in general, here's a catch-up on what's been happening. Absence makes the heart fonder and the mind wander, so pardon the randomness.

S2 moved back to India. For good. I am still in denial.

I cannot, I repeat, CANNOT wait for the new Harry Potter movie. True, I am a bigger fan of the books than the movies, but there is no thrill like watching the movie version of books you truly love, unless of course you have violent objections to the casting. I have no violent objections to the casting (yes, not even to the 'movie-Hermione is too hot compared to book-Hermione').

It's appraisals' season at work, and it's not particularly my favourite one. Judgement day is never easy, and I hope I can be fair to my staff and that my boss can be fair to me.

Diwali was a quiet affair. Viv and I didn't do much. A simple rangoli, a simple pooja, four diyas at the doorstep, a few episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and a simple dinner with a good friend.

Yesterday, I watched an episode of Bigg Boss on Youtube and almost fell off my chair. O.M.G. That Dolly Bindra makes Rakhi Sawant look like a classy Victorian lady, doesn't she?

Viv and I have started taking long walks (2-3 km after dinner IS long, okay?) after dinner. It's not only good exercise, it's such a great way to catch up with each other after a long hard day at work.

Viv's third (or is it the fourth?) marathon is coming up soon. Excited!

I watched Jhootha Hi Sahi and found it really funny. John should truly write a book called 'How to be really really hot and still be likeable'.
I also had the chance to finally watch Zanjeer - the movie that made Amitabh Bachchan a superstar after a string of 13 flops. Total disappointment. Erm, what was the big deal really?

I just realised this evening that making sambar is the most bartan-consuming culinary activity ever. One to soak the tamarind, one to soak the dal, one to soak the small onions, a pressure cooker, a wok and what not -- all just to make one dish! It's really as much effort as cooking the dish, which is why I really don't mind the current cooking-washing division of labour between Viv and me. Husbands who don't cook OR do the dishes, shame on you!
I haven't spoken to my 4.5-year-old niece baby Aish in a month. Seriously. When I call, she's at school and when she calls, I'm at work. I feel like she's already a hard-to-get-hold-of American teenager and soon she won't know me at all. Time to plan the next big family reunion!

And that's all for now, folks. I'll be back. Soon, I hope. Can't let Dad win the blogging battle, can I? ;)

Pair up - results show

2010-10-25T18:47:00.005+08:00

All right, the results of the last poll are out. It's a landslide victory for the evergreen reel and real life couple Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Kapoor!

The golden couple - then
Image courtesy - Allthehot

The golden couple - now
Image courtesy - Indiainfo

Pair up

2010-10-21T18:38:00.005+08:00

It's time for the next Bollywood poll at the bar!

Name the most feel-good Bollywood couple (married or dating, but both must be from Bollywood). In other words, the couple that makes you go, "Rab ne bana di jodi!"

Do drop your vote along with your reasons in the comments box. Comment moderation will stay on till the results are revealed in the next post, so you won't be able to see your (or others') comments until then. Let's see who yells 'Gold!' without reading the post now. :P

Cold treatment

2010-10-19T18:51:00.003+08:00

You know how when you travel, you keep wondering what you left behind and it completely drives you nuts and only when you realise what it is that you left behind (yes, there's always something) that your mind is at peace? Nope, never happened to you? Okay fine, good for you. Just asking. Hmmph!

Anyway, so before my parents left, I went from room to room on an inspection tour to check if they had left anything behind. Of course, one always leaves one thing behind, but I wanted to make sure it was only that one little thing and not anything important. They followed me around, highly amused.

"You remembered to take everything important?"

"Yes." They answered.

"Did you leave anything in the drawers?" I asked.

"No."

"Anything in your bathroom?"

"No."

"Anything on the dining table?"

"No."

"Anything in the drying yard?"

"No."

"Anything in the washing machine?" I opened the lid and peeped in.

"No."

"Anything in the fridge?" I opened it and asked.

"Fridge???" Both of them burst into insane laughter.

"Okay fine. Laugh all you want. I'm just trying to ensure your peace of mind. Hmmmph!" (Yeah, you can tell from my tone I was kinda mad at them for going back so soon.)

So they reached my in-laws' place yesterday (yes, they're having a gala one-week holiday there!) and my Dad called.

"So did you realise what you left behind?" I asked.

"Hmm... Yes... I did leave something very important behind." He said, with a very sad tone in his voice.

I felt a gush of warmth in my heart. He was gonna say, "My darling daughter", wasn't he?

Well, he didn't. :/

"Ginger sprout." He said.

"Ginger sprout??????? What ginger sprout? I thought you only took coconuts to grow in your garden!"

"Oh no, I bought a ginger sprout to plant here, but I left it behind." He sounded inconsolable.

"Sigh... Where did you leave it??"

"Erm... in the fridge."

:|

The parent diaries - II

2010-10-11T15:16:00.004+08:00

And the madness continues...

Since my parents have seen pretty much all the touristy places in Singapore, I am running out of new places to take them to. The good thing is, in showing them these places, sometimes Viv and I end up seeing things we had never seen before. Viv had never been inside the Singapore Flyer, and neither of us had been to Marina Barrage before. The kites at Marina Barrage were amazing, and there was even one shaped exactly like this!

More childhood stories! Apparently, at the age of about four or five, my friends and I had been bragging to one another about our families and possessions. In a bid to outdo my friends, I told them that my nanny had 40 teeth! Strangely, she didn't take it as a compliment when I related it to her later.
I made chinna vengayam sambar (sambar with small onions) for my parents today, using my mom-in-law's recipe. "What's this?" Dad asked. "This is chinna vengayam sambar. Do you know what is chinna vengayam sambar?" I asked in a challenging tone since he is so proud of whatever Tamil he has picked up. There was complete silence for a few seconds. Then he spoke. "I know Chinnaswamy Stadium." he said coolly as he helped himself to the sambar.

Mom has now gotten over her fear of exploding computers and is getting quite adventurous. With a little help, she is able to watch all the missed episodes of her favourite TV shows on Youtube. I was really pleasantly surprised the other day when she asked me to show her how to view the Youtube videos on full screen mode.

So after much prodding and many demos, Dad finally got down to creating his own blog. We had some hilarious conversations relating to that. Sample this:
Dad - So I can post anything and anytime I want?
Me - Yep.
Dad - And everyone can read it?
Me - Yep.
Dad - And they can comment on it?
Me - Yep.
Dad - And how will I know if they commented?
Me - I have set your blogger account to send all comments to your mailbox.
Dad - WHAT?! NO! I want them at the end of the posts like they are on your blog!!!
Me - Relax, Dad. They will be there too.
Dad - They will be on the blog and also in my email?
Me - Yes.
Dad - How many comments will I get?
Me - It depends.
Dad - On what?
Me - Well, on what you write and how often you write. I used to be very regular and used to get lots of comments. Now I am less regular and number of comments are fewer too.
Dad - So how regular were you?
Me (proudly) - Well, in the first year I posted 234 posts!
Dad - That's all?
Me - THAT'S ALL?? Let's see YOU do THAT! Hmmph!
Dad (confidently) - I will post 365 posts in a year.
Me - HA HA HA! 365 posts in a year? HA HA HA! Dad... shall we make this interesting?
Dad - You wait and watch.
Me - Oh, I will. :D

Much later...
Dad - Wait wait, how will my readers know about my blog?
Me - Depends on who you want your readers to be. You can pass your blog URL to family and friends if you want them to read it. And it will spread from there. It will take time though.
Dad - How much time?
Me - I don't know. Mine took a few years to really kick off and now it's kind of tapering. Basically anything can happen.
Dad - Few years? Hmm... and how will your readers know about my blog?
By now, I was really having fun so I went into major bhaav-khao mode.
Me (indignantly) - My readers?? Why will my readers know about your blog? You go get your own readers!
Dad - ????
Me (coyly looking at nails) - Well, I could share your URL on my blog, but I will charge.
Dad - ????!!!!
Me - Okay, I won't charge, but I can't just advertise your blog URL so blatantly. I have principles, you know. I have never sold a single ad or recommendation to my readers.
Dad - So I have to get my own readers?? :O
Me (evil grin) - Yep, but you should have no problem with that, considering that you're going to write 365 posts a year. Muahaha!

Mom and I talk serious Indian politics too. This conversation is from this morning.
Me - Mom, Rahul Gandhi is 40?!
Mom - Yeah...
Me - Why isn't he married yet? I thought he's supposed to be the most eligible bachelor of the country?
Mom - Don't know... maybe he didn't get any good proposals?
Me - Or maybe he got so many he didn't know what to do?
Mom - Maybe! Sonia is also so busy... who will sort through the proposals?
Me - Priyanka should do it, na?
Dad was on the computer when he logged a servicedesk call.
Me - What happened now?
Dad - I can't log into my bsnl email.
Me - Okay, let's try again.
Dad (after trying again) - See?
Me - Are you sure you keyed in the right password?
Dad - Yes, yes, I am totally sure.
Me - Then I don't know what to do...
Dad - It must be your computer then... it works fine at home.
Me - There's nothing wrong with my computer. I still think you have forgotten your password.
Dad - My password is 100% correct.
Me - Well, I don't know what to do then...
Dad (peers into computer) - Wait wait... I don't think this is my username.
Me - :|

I woke up with a very bad cough this morning. I had already applied for leave so I didn't have to go to work. Mom grounded me though! "No roaming, sight-seeing, shopping today. You will stay home ALL DAY!" I had never been grounded as a teenager so it was doubly funny.

Dad asked me where he can get a sticker with the word 'Singapore'.
Me - Sticker with the word 'Singapore'? Why?
Dad - I want it. Where can we get one?
Me - I am not sure. Can I get you a fridge magnet with the word 'Singapore' instead?
Dad - No, I want a sticker.
Me - But whyyy??
Dad - Oh, I have three big clocks next to one another at home. One shows the India time, one shows the US time and one shows Singapore time. So when you or your sister calls, we know what time it is for you. I already have stickers for the others, I want one to stick on the Singapore clock.
Me - Yaaaa allllaaaaaaaah...

I was really surprised to see Dad watching a CWG badminton match on TV. I was even more surprised when he told me that he used to be very good at badminton (Yeay! This explains my own love for badminton!) and chess (bleah!) when he was in school. He told me that the principal of his school wanted him to lead the school's football team but he had no interest in the sport, so they created the special post of 'Non-playing captain' just for him! LOL!

This happened yesterday when we were walking from the bus stop.
Me - So Dad, have you ever had alcohol?
Dad - You mean like in cough syrups?
Me - No, like in drinks.
Dad (proudly) - No, never. There was actually a bet in an office party between two groups about whether I can be made to take alcohol. I didn't.
Me - Hmmm... remember we went to Cafe Iguana when you were here the last time?
Dad - Yes...
Me - Remember that mango drink we ordered a whole jug of?
Dad - Yes...
Me - Well, that was mango margarita. It had tequila.
Dad (long pause) - Okay, I did NOT know that.

The parent diaries

2010-10-07T18:20:00.003+08:00

:( looks like SSSK took one of Shotgun Sinha's "KHAAAMOSH"es to heart :(

Thanks to this nudge from regular bewda Arun on my last post, I'm back in the bar. Sorry about the long absence, my parents are finally here (remember this drama?) and I have been trying my best to get away from the office often enough to spend some quality time with them. It's been an absolute riot so far, and here are some snippets:

Dad's 'To get from Singapore' list actually included 'A coconut from East Coast beach with a sprout so I can take it home and plant it in my garden'. Hey bhagwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! He scoured the beach for a full week before he actually found not one, but three of them! It was hilarious to see Mom's expression when he placed them in his suitcase. I don't know how he is going to take them into India (isn't carrying soil and seeds into India illegal?) but I have asked him to make sure he has enough bail money.

The only time I ever talk Indian politics is with my Dad. Mainly because it's very entertaining to just say 'Sonia Gandhi' and watch him shake his fists and explode.

We have been shopping like mad in the last few days. Just for fun, I showed Mom some branded purses and asked her to guess the cost. She couldn't and I told her, "Twelve hundred and ninety-five". Her next question - "What?! Dollars or rupees???" LOL!
On the subject of branded stuff, Dad's question really threw me off. "Should I get Gucci shoes?" For a second I couldn't tell if he was serious or kidding. I just went :O. (Of course, he didn't in the end.)

It was a proud moment for the whole family when baby Aish called and we realised that she has picked up the concept of time difference. "Mausi, it is night here," she said, "Is it morning there?"

Sample another conversation involving baby Aish who called one morning. Mom (who always complains that Aish speaks to everyone but her) picked up.

Aish - Where is Mausi?
Mom - Mausi has gone to office.
Aish - Where is Mausa?
Mom - Mausa has also gone to office.
Aish - Where is Grandpa?
Mom - Grandpa has gone to the beach to look for coconuts.
Aish - Ok bye.
Mom - ?????????!!!!

My Dad is trying to turn vegetarian. With one exception, he says. Singapore chilli crab!

Mom and I went for a combo pedicure. It was such a perfect bonding moment -- we even got our toenails painted in the same colour, to the amusement of the pedicurist. (I had deposited Dad at a plant nursery so he wouldn't have to endure a full girly hour with us.)

I am still so impressed at Dad's organic garden back home! This year, he harvested a 9.5-kg pumpkin, a gazillion coconuts and more than 100 kg of tomatoes! Apparently, even the neighbours started getting a bit sick of receiving free stuff and he had to give the tomatoes to the maid who set up a stall and started selling them!

This is Mom's fourth visit to Singapore and even now, after knowing that the island is teeming with Indians, if she spots an Indian on the road or an Indian bus driver, she turns to me and mouths excitedly, "Indian?"

Viv had entered a go-kart race and we decided to go support him. I could not believe my ears when my Dad asked him if he could take a spin with Viv in a double-kart. My dad. In a go-kart. Man! I almost sang 'Yeh dosti' when I saw both of them take off in the double-kart.

Mom is getting interested in Sudoku and it is so fabulous to see her progress from the one-star puzzles to the five-star ones (we call those panch-pandav-sudoku!). I actually watched in pride like a doting mother as she completed a PPS all by herself.

Now it's Viv's turn to have to endure my childhood stories. Muahahaha! One of my personal favourites, other than the fish market incident is this one. Dad's friend came to visit us. I was about five years old. Dad told me, "Go tell Mom Mr. Blah-Blah is here." I went and repeated it to Mom. She was in a bad mood for some reason and said, "So?? What am I supposed to do??" I went out and Dad asked me if I had told Mom. I said, "Yes, I did and she said -- So?? What am I supposed to do??" Yep, right in Mr. Blah-Blah's face. I doubt he ever visited us again. :/

Back with Da-bang(g)

2010-09-28T18:55:00.004+08:00

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) was invited to the Dabangg success party at Shatrughan Sinha's house. She almost fell off her portable treehouse when she saw the invitation addressed to her. But then she saw the tagline at the back of the card - 'Arbaaz Khan Productions. Publicity ke liye sala kuchh bhi karega.' - and it all made sense.

Even though SSSK reached the place exactly on time, it was already crowded. She somehow managed to push her way through and find the main cast.

Malaika (pokes Arbaaz in the ribs) - Oh shit. She's here.

Arbaaz (howls in pain) - Ouch! I told you not to do that, Malaika! You're all bones. It hurts!

Malaika (gives Arbaaz a dirty look) - She's here!

Arbaaz - Who??

Malaika - SSSK...

Salman - Who is SSSK?

Malaika - That third-class reporter who climbs trees... writes trash... cracks bad jokes and laughs at them herself... We need all the publicity we can get, so I sent her an invitation too. Beware of her, she's 100% cuckoo and tends to ask very uncomfortable questions...

SSSK walks towards the Khans.

SSSK - Hello, Khan-daan! (giggles uncontrollably at her own joke)

Malaika gives her a dirty look. Everyone else politely nods at SSSK.

SSSK takes out her notepad and a pencil and gets started.

SSSK - So Salman, congratulations on the hit. What a comeback after Veer!

Salman - Thank you, thank you.

SSSK - So what made you cast Sonu Sood as the bad guy? His body looked so much better than yours!

Salman - Ughhh... not this question again.

SSSK - Well?

Salman (in a depressed tone) - Well, I had already cast him long ago. I was labelled fat in Veer so I thought I'd train and get my abs back to show off in Dabangg. Looks like Sonu had trained harder.

SSSK - Then why didn't you simply replace him? Say with... Daler Mehendi?

Salman - Sigh... you know me. Ek baar jo maine commitment kar diya... toh main khud ki bhi nahin sunta. (grins proudly)

SSSK - That's a line from Wanted.

Salman - Erm. Don't you have questions for Arbaaz and Malaika?

SSSK - Sure, let's go with Arbaaz first.

Arbaaz (under his breath) - Oh crap.

SSSK - So Arbaaz, why are you in all of Salman's movies???

Arbaaz - Uhh... errr...

SSSK - Thank you. Malaika, why are you always doing item numbers? Do bache ho gaye, kuchh toh sharm karo.

Malaika - Duh! I'm hot, that's why. (walks off)

Salman - Erm. Come, I'll introduce you to Sonakshi.

SSSK is introduced to Sonakshi.

SSSK - So Sonakshi, how was it working with a superstar like Salman? Scary?

Sonakshi - Salman se darr nahin lagta, SSSK. Flop ho jaane se lagta hai.

SSSK - Arre wah, tum toh abhi bhi Dabangg mode mein ho.

Shatrughan Sinha walks towards them.

SSSK - Shatruji, badhaai ho. Beti ki picture hit ho gayi.

Shatrughan (raises both hands and looks up) - Sab ooparwale ki meherbani hai.

SSSK - Achha? Salman second floor par rehta hai????

Shatrughan - KHAAMOSH!

SSSK - Sorry sorry, just couldn't resist that. Waise, Sonakshi looked good in the movie. Hemaji ki yaad aa gayi.

Shatrughan (beaming) - Really? Hemaji??

SSSK - Yeah! It's been a long time since we saw a fat heroine in our movies, no? Very refreshing.

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. Next question. So now that Sonakshi's career is set, what is next?

Shatrughan - Well, next we're going to work on Luv's debut.

SSSK - Erm, didn't Luv already debut in the superflop Sadiyaan?

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. So Salman is helping with Luv's debut too?

Shatrughan - Oh yes, Salman is like family now. We're all working like a family to promote Luv.

SSSK - Even Kush?

Shatrughan - Of course!

SSSK - Of course. Luv ke liye sala Kush bhi karega...

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. Waise I think Luv and Kush should both join politics and become MPs like you.

Shatrughan - Really? What makes you think that?

SSSK - Naah, then you three can call yourselves MP3. Heh heh heh!

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. I must go find Sonu Sood.

SSSK walks towards Sonu Sood. Suddenly a girl screams, "Sonuuuu! Sonu is here???!!!!" Many hot girls scream and run towards where Sonu and SSSK are standing. Sonu Sood grins to himself, adjusts his hair and puts on sunglasses.

The girls come to a screeching halt.

One of the girls - Uhh... this is not Sonu Nigam. Who said Sonu is here??

Uncomfortable silence surrounds them. All the girls retreat. Sonu takes off his sunglasses, puts them back in his pocket and leaves the party in gloom.

SSSK finds Arbaaz again who is really drunk and is humming "Zandu balm Zandu balm peeda-haari balm".

SSSK - So Arbaaz, what is with the Zandu balm lawsuit?

Arbaaz - I don't know what's wrong with those people. They make a painkiller but they themselves are a pain! They paid us to put their name in the song and now they're suing us. Bloody leeches, trying to maximise publicity. And they succeeded too. In fact, they owe us big time. Their sales sky-rocketed right after the movie!

SSSK - Really?

Arbaaz - Oh yes, people rushed out in flocks to buy Zandu balm right after the movie! Some couldn't even wait till the end of the movie, they ran out during the interval itself! How cool is that??

SSSK - ...

Wet blanket

2010-09-24T21:53:00.005+08:00

So there's literally no one... NO ONE... in my family (immediate or extended) whom I can discuss ghazals with. Sure, my mom likes to listen to them but she doesn't understand all the words and sure as hell does not want to sit down with me to analyse them. I do understand her situation though. I'd run too if someone asked me to sit with them and analyse lyrics by say, Lady Gaga.

As for Viv, well, the only 'ghazal' he is familiar with is the verb generally associated with beer - guzzle. However, he generally pretends to be interested in song lyrics, but only because he's trying to change them to his tune (sample this).

So today I decided to give him a basic tutorial in deconstructing ghazal lyrics. He seemed pretty keen. I picked a relatively simple one and recited it to him.

Dard jab teri ataa hai toh gila kisse karein?

"So what did you understand?" I asked.

"Hmmm... Say it again?" He said.

I said it again.

Dard jab teri ataa hai toh gila kisse karein?

Pat came his answer: "Paani se!!"

:|

Mexican rice

2010-09-20T19:59:00.005+08:00

So I made Mexican rice for dinner today and that's when I remembered that the bar hasn't seen a recipe in quite some time. It's a quite a healthy dish (till you reach the part with the cheese, heh heh!) and you can make in 45 minutes (less if you're using leftover rice).

Ingredients
Green pepper, 1 medium
Red pepper, 1 medium
Babycorn, 1 can
Rice, 1 cup
Olive oil, 2 tablespoons
Garlic, 2 fat cloves, grated
Salsa habanera, 2 tablespoons
Any seasoning salt that looks like it will go with Mexican food
Mexican oregano
Mozzarella cheese, 4 tablespoons, grated
Salt to taste

These are the salsa habanera and seasoning salt I used. I bought these in the US, but I'm pretty sure you'll find alternatives in every country. Tension nahin lene ka -- just look for a Mexican-looking/sounding sauce. This particular brand is the killer kind. If you shrugged your shoulders and said, "Two tablespoons se mera kya hoga?", trust me -- bahut kuchh hoga.

Method
1. Wash and soak the rice in water.

2. Cut the peppers into thin strips.

3. Wash the canned babycorn and cut into halves.

4. Mix the pepper and babycorn pieces in a glass bowl. Add 5 tablespoons of water and microwave on high for 10 minutes.

5. Meanwhile, put the rice to boil. I usually make it by boiling it in water and draining the excess starch, as I like the grains to stay separate. I don't think this will work very well with rice cooked in a rice cooker or pressure cooker.

6. Heat the olive oil and add the grated garlic.

7. Add the microwaved vegetables.

8. Add salt, 2 tablespoons of the salsa habanera and a dash of the seasoning salt and oregano. Mix well.

9. Add the cooked rice. Mix well.

10. Turn off the heat and put the rice and vegetables in a glass bowl (I just reuse the first one).

11. Cover the top with grated cheese.

12. Microwave on medium for about 5 minutes (or till the cheese melts).

13. Dig in!

Serves 3 (or 2, if a very hungry Viv is involved)

Note:
1. You can skip the cheese if you want, but beware, by skipping the cheese, you're messing with the sanctity of the dish.
2. If you really really REALLY want to skip the cheese, I have a great alternative. Don't skip the cheese. Hit the gym.

Tuned out

2010-09-16T20:20:00.001+08:00

I am really REALLY annoyed. As they say, aaj toh hadd hi ho gayi.

You know how when you're listening to the radio and the RJ asks a question and you're scrambling for the phone so you can sms the answer before anyone else can? Well, I don't. Because there is no point. The questions asked on the channel that I listen to for my daily dose of Bollywood songs are so dumb and easy that by the time you unlock your phone, one of the 38475900283746483 gen-sms kids would have already walked away with the prize.

At least that's what I thought.

So today, the RJ asks, "Name the movie in which Shah Rukh Khan plays a guy who directs musical plays."

My first reaction was rather tame: ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??

Come on, if you're going to ask a question that's supposed to identify a real Bollywood fan, ask something like 'How many actresses can you name who have acted opposite all the three Khans - Shah Rukh, Salman and Aamir?' Give the prize to the one who can name the most.

Anyway, so that was her question. SRK as a musical play director. Ugh. Sanjay Dutt's unborn twins could answer it.

Oh wait, it got worse. She then proceeded to say, "As a clue, I'll play a song from that movie." And she played 'Bholi si soorat'. Man. She might as well have played the title song!

Why was she doing it??? Well, I had my answer half an hour later.

It turns out she had not received any answers.

SHEESH.

Finally she got an sms, which she shamelessly read out loud. The sms-er had asked, "Can you give another clue?"

WHAT THE...?!

So she gave another clue -- that the movie featured one of the prominent dancing stars of Bollywood.

I was cooking, so as I flitted in and out of the kitchen, I would catch snatches of what she was saying. At last count, her exact words were, "The movie featured Shah Rukh Khan and Madhuri Dixit. You can sms me your answer at..."

:O

Seriously, what is the world coming to????

Is this the matrix?

PR ke side effects

2010-09-15T18:40:00.007+08:00

So Permanent Residents (PRs) in Singapore are in a great state of agitation over this piece of news. Here's an excerpt:

Government encourages more Singapore PRs to take up citizenship

SINGAPORE: The Singapore Government is moving to encourage more Permanent Residents in the country to take up citizenship.

Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong said some PRs will be approached to become citizens and if they don't do so, their status will not be renewed.

Immigration was one of many issues tackled during a dialogue session with over 200 residents from Marine Parade to gather feedback on the Prime Minister's National Day Rally.

SM Goh did not give details on getting PRs to take up citizenship.

"Moving forward, we are going to approach some of them to take up Singapore citizenship, if they don't then their PR will not be renewed. That's a better way.

"We now have quite a few PRs, 500,000 in Singapore, so hopefully maybe 50,000 can be selected to become Singapore citizens, the rest can be PRs, contributing to Singapore's economy," he said.

My friends and I have been having a hot debate on this over email, with some very varied views, and it struck me that I could open this up at the bar and see what other NRI bewdas feel about taking up citizenship of the countries they live in.

Would you take it if it's offered to you?

The cast system

2010-09-04T23:23:00.004+08:00

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) finds out that the Kapoors are having an audition to select the cast for the sequel to Mr. India. Boney Kapoor had been talking about the sequel for quite some time and finally it looked like things were moving. Meanwhile, Shekhar Kapur was last known to be thunking his head on a pillar.

Anyway, SSSK reaches the audition venue, finds a suitable tree from where she can record the proceedings using her pencil and notepad, and makes herself comfortable on one of the branches.

A large group of relatively good-looking young men are sitting in a hall, some showing off their bodies, while others looking plainly nervous. Suddenly Sanjay Kapoor appears with a clipboard. Standing next to him is a rather pudgy-looking fella in glasses who goes by the name of Arjun (click here to see photo).

Sanjay (looks around at the group) - So Arjun, what do you think?

Arjun (looks around) - Naah... none of them are suitable for the role. Tch! They're all too bony.

Hunky guy nearest to them (gets up and shows his fist) - Abbe! Kaun hai be tu? Muscle dekha hai? Abs dekha hai? Bony kisko bola re? Huh huh? Bony kisko bola? Bony hoga tera baap!!

Arjun (smiles and backs off) - Yes yes, that is actually correct. Mera baap Boney hai. Boney Kapoor.

Murmurs of "Abbe Boney Kapoor ka beta hai..." and "Ab toh apna koi chance nahin..." and "Dhakkan lagta hai lekin baap toh isi ko cast karega" and "Chal nikalte hain" are heard through the hall and soon it is empty.

Sanjay and Arjun go inside where Boney Kapoor, Anil Kapoor and Sridevi are busy discussing the script.

Sridevi - So... how's it looking outside?

Arjun - Erm, there is no one outside.

Sanjay glares at Arjun.

Arjun - What? There IS no one outside!

Anil (to Boney) - Dekha Bhaiya? I told you! These youngsters can't do it. Look at me, I still look so young! Everyone is saying that. I'm telling you -- I can play Arun again.

Sridevi - Uh, I always thought you were playing Arun again. I mean, if I'm playing Seema again... Wait a minute... Isn't that so? (turns towards Boney)

Boney - Erm... *cough cough*

Sridevi (to Sanjay) - Sanju, what's happening? Am I in the movie or not??

Sanjay - Of course you're in the movie, Bhabhi!

Sridevi (still looking at them suspiciously) - And my role is...?

Arjun - Erm, you will be in Mala D...

Sridevi - WHAT?! MALA D??????

Sanjay - Bhabhi, he means Mala of Death. Tu bhi na Arjun...

Sridevi - MALA OF DEATH????

Sanjay - Oh yes, we'll have a picture of you on the wall with a mala. To indicate that you are... you know... (looks up and shakes his head)

Sridevi (gives Boney a furious look) - And that's all I get??

Boney - Gulp. Of course not, dear. You'll get to pick the picture too.

Sridevi - Oh wow. Really? May I ask why I will be confined to the wall?

Sanjay - The sequel is set in the future na Bhabhi, that's why. Wayyy in the future. When both Arun and Seema are... (looks upwards and shakes his head)

Sridevi - You killed us??

Sanjay - Bhabhi, there's nothing wrong with being killed in the sequel. Look at Preity Zinta... even she played Mala D in Krrish, no? If she can do it... And she's so young.... (clams up upon receipt of dagger-eyes from Sridevi).. I mean you're also very young...

Anil (clears his throat and declares proudly) - Speaking of looking young...

Boney (irritated) - Shut up, Anil. Not again.

Anil (meekly) - Ok.

Boney - Ok, so that's decided. Both Anil and Sri will be on the wall.

Anil and Sridevi sulk.

Boney - We will have a fresh young pair in the lead instead.

Anil - Fresh young pair chahiye?? Arre pehle bolna tha na! Sonam ko le lo!! Fresh bhi, young bhi. Ghar ki baat hai, fees par bhi discount!

Boney (holds his head in his hands in frustration) - Bas karo, tum log!!

Arjun - I agree with Papa. Waise bhi, Sonam is too thin. Matching achhi nahin lagegi.

Anil - Matching? Abbe kaahe ki matching??

Arjun - I mean, mere saath... she's too bony... everyone these days is so bony...

Anil - Tere saath?? Tu hero hai?

Arjun - I would think so... no, dad?

Boney - Sigh... ek aur aa gaya queue mein... Dekho Arjun, self-made man bano, don't rely on fathers and Godfathers. Apne dum par hero bankar dikhao!

Sanjay (suddenly alert) - Bhaiya, aapne mere baare mein nahin socha?? Ab meri toh self-made man banne ki umar bhi nahin rahi. If Anil is dead in the movie, I mean... I should be next in line, no?

Boney - Chup! Sab ke sab chup! Yeh khandani picture hai iska matlab yeh nahin ki bhai-behen and chacha-bhatiji will act opposite each other!

Anil - But the other Kapoors did it all the time... Shashi Kapoor and Randhir Kapoor acted opposite Neetu Singh...

Boney - Chhee chhee! We are the shareef kind of Kapoors. We won't do that.

Anil - Okay, can I be Mogambo?

Boney - Mogambo?! Tu pagal ho gaya hai? Tujhe bacha kucha career barbaad karna hai? Jab hero apni movie ke remake ya sequel mein villain banta hai, toh pata hai kya hota hai? Aag lag jaati hai aag!

Sanjay - You mean RGV ki aag??

Boney - Heh heh. Correct.

Sanjay - Bhaiya, phir main Calendar ban jaaun?? Woh role toh mujhe de do?

Boney - Offo! I don't want to cast my family members in my movie. Besides, I want Arshad Warsi for the role of Calendar.

Sanjay - Arshad maan jayega? Thoda chhota role nahin hai uske liye? He was Circuit after all. Circuit se Calendar? Thoda analog ho gaya, nahin?

Boney - Theek hai, character ka naam badal denge. Digital Calendar?

Everyone looks at one another and rolls their eyes.

Boney - Achha woh doosre room mein dekho heroine ke audition ke liye kaun kaun aayi hai? I really need a big star.

Sanjay goes into the next room where he finds Sushmita Sen, Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan, Dia Mirza, Tanushree Dutta and Celina Jaitley.

Sanjay - Wow... This is so great. So many of you! So what made you decide to come for the audition?

Tanushree and Celina (under their breath) - Kya karein... Aur kahin kaam nahin mil raha hai...

Aishwarya - Duh! We've all held the Miss India title. Mr. India ke opposite Miss India. Duh!

All the other ladies echo the "Duh!"

Suddenly Neha Dhupia rushes in.

Neha - OMG. Am I late?? Mujhe abhi abhi sms aaya ki saari Miss Indias are here.

Sanjay - Arre Neha, tum? Sorry yaar lekin this movie is not suitable for you. Us type ka role nahin hai....

Neha (startled) - What do you mean us type ka? Kis type ka?

Sanjay - You know... jis type ka tum karti ho... tumhaari har movie mein... yeh thoda... erm, family movie type hai.

Neha gets offended and storms off. The other ladies giggle bitchily.

Arjun walks in.

Arjun - Chachu, what is happening?

Sanjay (happily grins at Arjun) - Look, Arjun! So many of them!

Arjun (looks around) - Tch! They're too thin yaar... these days everyone is too thin yaar...

Sanjay - Lekin thin heroine is hit heroine. And we have so many to choose from! Let me go inside and tell Bhaiya, he will be so thrilled.

Arjun - Ek minute, Chachu.

Sanjay - Kya hua?

Arjun (to the Miss Indias) - Ladies, I am really sorry but the hero is 5'2" and all of you are too tall for him. Sorry.

Sushmita - Ugh. Not again. I will never find a guy who is taller than me. Ever! Bachpan mein itna skipping nahin karna chahiye tha...

Aishwarya - Skipping? You too, Sush? Main bhi karti hoon. I toh skip every other meal!

All the ladies shake their heads and leave the hall, murmuring "Arre crown ka toh kuchh faayda hi nahin hua yaar..."

Sanjay (looks at Arjun in surprise) - Huh? Arjun, what did you mean when you said 'The hero is 5'2"'? Who is 5'2"?

Arjun (displays an evil grin) - Me. Papa ne bola tha na... Aise bante hain self-made men in Bollywood.