Ok, I know I'd said I'd do an SSSK post if the movie bombed, but SSSK also needs to pay her bills and sometimes has to write about hit movies too. So there.
It's the 'Student of the year' success party in Karan Johar's sprawling lawn. Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) has managed to sneak in, even though she doesn't have an invite.
She hides behind bushes and shrubs to eavesdrop on the attendees. She spots the lead duo Varun Dhawan and Siddharth Malhotra, getting drunk in a corner.
Siddharth - Abbe Varun, woh dekh! Siddharth Mallya is here.
Varun - So?
Siddharth - Man... I've always been so jealous of him. Saala kitna ameer hai! Meri toh shakal par hi likha hai - gareeb insaan. No wonder even in the movie, I was cast as one.
Varun - Big deal yaar... Tu bhi rich ho jaayega... After a few movies...
Siddharth - But yeh toh paida hote hi rich tha! I mean, hum dono ke naam kitne similar hai, lekin kismat kitne alag hain. Siddharth Malhotra. Siddharth Mallya. Bas end different hai. Hotra. Llya. Damnit.
Alia Bhatt walks in.
Alia - Hey guys, what's up?
Varun - Kuchh nahin yaar, Sid is drunk and senti...
Sid - Hotra. Llya. Hotra. Llya.
Varun - Shut up yaar. Hotrallya hotrallya. Sounds like mootralaya!
The guys double up in laughter. Alia looks puzzled.
Alia - What is mootralaya??
Varun - Soch, Alia...
Sid - Shauchalaya?
Both of them double up in laughter again.
Alia - What is shauchalaya now??
Varun - Kuch kuch hota hai, Alia. Tum nahin samjhogi. It's toilet humour.
Alia - You guys are soooo drunk. Do you have nothing better to talk about?
Varun - Of course we do. We were thinking of hooking you up with Siddharth Mallya.
Alia - Huh??
Sid - Yes, if you get married to him, you will be Alia Mallya.
Both guys guffaw again. Alia gives them a dirty look.
Varun - And you should have two kids, and name the boy Kalia and the girl Dahlia.
The guys are literally on the floor, laughing away.
Alia - Can't believe I had to pretend to be in love with you dorks. They should give me a national award.
Alia makes a disgusted expression and walks off.
SSSK spots Ram Kapoor and Ronit Roy.
SSSK - Ram, Ronit, question for you. You guys are very successful tv soap stars who are now seen a lot in movies. Compared to your saas-bahu backgrounds, what do you about to say about your renewed success?
Ronit (a little high) - Hmmm... Renewed success... Ah... SSSK my dear, you forget something. Suc-saas bhi kabhi bahu thi.
Ram Kapoor (also high) nods violently.
SSSK - Uh... okayyyy... Excuse me, gentlemen...
SSSK spots Rishi and Neetu Kapoor.
SSSK - Rishiji, Rishiji! I'm SSSK, I've interviewed you before.
Rishi - Ah yes, I remember.
SSSK - You're doing so well in the second innings of your career. Whom do you give the credit to? Is it Neetuji's undying support?
Neetu Kapoor beams.
Rishi - No. All credit goes to Sonam Kapoor and Deepika Padukone.
SSSK & Neetu - HUH?!
Rishi - You see, after they made those derogatory remarks about Ranbir on Koffee with Karan, I got really mad at him, and he got really apologetic and to make up, he's been signing me in all his movies since. So yeah, all credit to Sonam and Deepika.
Neetu - Ghar chalo. Abhi.
Rishi and Neetu leave.
SSSK looks for Alia and finds her, fiddling with her phone and looking bored.
SSSK - Hi, Alia!
Alia - OMG you.
She has obviously not forgotten the first time she had met SSSK.
SSSK - I'm a reporter. Can I ask you a few questions?
Alia - Uhhhh... Ok. Since everyone else is busy interviewing the two guys...
SSSK - So tell me about the Radha song. I mean, it starts off like a regular Radha song... You know, panghat and all... And then suddenly "Radha wants to party and move her sexy body"???? How do you think Radha-Krishna devotees will take to this?
Alia is horrified. She has not been trained to answer tough questions like this. She hurriedly looks around and beckons her dad. Mahesh Bhatt quickly walks over.
SSSK repeats her question.
Mahesh - Look, this song is about women's liberation. All these years, we have seen the same kind of Radha songs. Radha sitting in a pond and lamenting about how the natkhat kanhaiya stole her clothes while she was bathing, and how she can't come out now because he's perched on a tree with her clothes.
SSSK nods vigorously. She always approves of any perching on trees.
Mahesh - Well, enough is enough. Radha's not gonna sit there anymore and catch a cold. Clothes or no clothes, she's just gonna step out and show off the sexy Radha body and go party. It's time for her to scandalize the natkhat kanhaiya until he says, "Bas kar, meri ma(mi), ye le apne kapde!"
SSSK - Hmmm... Alia, what do you think about all this?
Alia (taken aback) - Ummmm... I think... If uh... Anarkali can leave apne saajan Salim ki gali and disco chali, Radha can go party too? (looks at Mahesh Bhatt for approval, who nods, and then whisks his daughter away)
SSSK finds Karan Johar, looking smug and pouting.
SSSK - Hey Karan, I'm SSSK. Reporter for The Akh-bar. Could I have a short interview, please?
Karan (pouts) - Sure.
SSSK - I read that you came up with the words 'Ishq wala love' lyrics. What's up with that? What on earth is ishq wala love??
Karan- Oh God, I'm so sick of answering this question! Varun! Siddharth!!
Varun and Siddharth hop over. Alia also joins them.
Karan - Guys, that irritating question is back. You please answer it this time.
Varun - Hmmm... Ok, Here goes. You see, love is of different types.
Siddarth - Like... You know... You love your girlfriend and your doggy in different ways.
SSSK - So you wanted to be specific that your love for Alia's character is ishq wala love, so that the audience doesn't think it's doggy wala love?
There is complete silence for a few seconds. Alia looks disgusted again.
Varun - Well, you know... It's like this... Parents ke liye we have respect wala love...
David Dhawan suddenly appears.
David (to Varun) - Parents ke liye respect ki toh baat hi mat kar tu! Agar mere liye thoda bhi respect hota toh tu mere banner ke under launch hota!
Varun - Papa, please! I didn't wanna be just another star kid who debuts under his dad's banner.
David - Hmmmph! Mere saath debut karta toh picture aur bhi badi hit hoti. At least title ke liye mera suggestion le liya hota...
Varun - Dad, please. 'Student number one'??? Can you please get over your number one wala hangover? That was the 90s and it only worked for Govinda movies.
David - What?! Aaj bhi movies mein number one chalta hai, and it's not just Govinda movies ok? Big superstars also use it ok?
Varun - Like who?
David - Ummm... Like SRK's RA-ONE and Salman's ONE-ted. And Aamir's...
Varun - Yeah? Aamir's?
David - Uh.... Aamir's ONE+ONE+ONE idiots. There!
Varun thunks his head on the bottle of beer he's holding.
David - And all of those movies were huge hits.
Varun - Please. RA-ONE wasn't.
David - That's only because SRK didn't take my suggestion of changing it to 'RA number One'.
Varun - Papa, this movie is a hit na, phir kya problem hai??
David - Arre, reviews are saying all three of you are superstar material. I would have made you the only superstar. Varun Dha-ONE! Dha-ONE and only!
Varun thunks his head again.
David - I even had a title song ready! Wanna hear?
Varun - God, no!
David starts singing.
Main toh college mein padh raha tha
Main toh classes mein sadh raha tha
Main toh Siddharth se ladh raha tha
College mein padh raha, classes mein sadh raha tha, Siddharth se ladh raha tha!
Mujhko prize na mila toh main kya karoon?
Main toh books ko phaad raha tha
Main toh Alia ko taad raha tha
Main toh handpump ukhaad raha tha
Books ko phaad raha tha, Alia ko taad raha tha, handpump ukhaad raha tha!
Mujhko prize na mila toh main kya karoon?
Varun looks at Siddharth in despair. They let David continue his song, and disappear from the scene, singing "Khisko, deewane..."